Attachment Issues

[Pencil]

Ever notice how to fix seems to never be posted? lol

Yes, I have noticed! And, besides, people with supportive friends and family members may not have such hectic attachment issues in the first place!!

I have come to understand that with emotions and attachment, it's not enough to talk. It's not about what you say or what people say to you. It has to be about doing, about experiencing emotional and attachment-related behaviours in others and somehow learning to model them back. It's painful, terrifying, shattering of everything I thought I knew and believed about myself and even about therapy... but I think it's true.

Hi Maddog, I'd like to hear how this is addressed in therapy, if you feel like talking about it.

 

[Abstract]

people with supportive friends and family members may not have such hectic attachment issues in the first place!

They may not but I actually think they may still have them. There are many problematic attachment patterns and all of them are damaging even if some make relationships especially challenging. And I totally agree with Maddog in the quote above.

It is NOT a rational process.

Yes it isn't at all and it isn't our fault at all. But I do think it starts with the behavioural stuff and using our understanding to process what happens as it happens in a relationship and it takes us fighting against those problematic patterns. The extra magical dimension comes when it comes and we can't do anything about that other than being open to it. But I do think it starts from a place of literally processing a relationship and working on changing those push or pulls that are so deeply entrenched.

More later... Hopefully! ;)

 

[Pencil]

Abstract, you are right and wrong ;) One can start with the behavioural stuff only when you are sure that your intellectual assessment of the person, the issues, the relationship etc are valid, correct, etc. It's when one doubts any of these, which is par for the course with attachment problems, and you can't trust your own judgement, and you look at the situation from multiple perspectives and you don't know which perspective is correct, that you run into trouble. Which is what happens to me. And this has to do with structural dissociation, where there are many personality parts, where one is totally naive and trusting, another is adult and rational and might sense a real threat, another totally frozen in fear, etc etc etc, and often you don't know which one is reacting, or which one to trust. So, I think there is not a 'one size fits all' approach with attachment. What works for you could not possibly work for me as we don't respond in the same manner to the same stimuli. And this is what trauma specialists are supposed to be able to deal with, but they can also make mistakes.

Throughout therapy with T4 I trusted her as a person and I trusted her judgement. When I started freaking out I was confused (as explained above) and I did not know whether my response was valid / sane / sensible or not. But we DO have a gut instinct we should trust. As I said earlier, we managed to sort it out, after therapy had been terminated due to finances, and in the last e-mail on the topic, the therapist said: 'I can see why my statement must have felt so devastatingly misattuned', which validated my response. As I said, we finally managed to sort it out, by which time it was too late. But just because we managed to sorted it out after about a month, it doesn't mean that the interim period was not highly confusing, upsetting, etc. And, it wasn't a 'problematic pattern', it was a valid response to what I perceived to have been a threat at that point in time.

 

[Pencil]

And, it wasn't a 'problematic pattern', it was a valid response to what I perceived to have been a threat at that point in time.

Of course, with 20/20 hindsight it is easy to say: 'Ah, my gut instinct was correct and it is a good thing I stood my ground, and it was not a problematic pattern.' BUT, while I was in the situation I had no idea whether it was a problematic pattern or whether it was a valid and self-validating response, and hence the utter confusion and upheaval. If I had believed I was simply perpetuating a problematic pattern, I would have done myself a huge disfavour.

 

[Pencil]

They may not but I actually think they may still have them. There are many problematic attachment patterns and all of them are damaging even if some make relationships especially challenging.

Yes, of course, but there are also degrees, and therapists are known to avoid clients with more severe and challenging problems. I am a case in point - the 4th one was willing to take me on. And this point relates to what Maddog says about these articles being very eloquent about the theory, but short on how it is applied. What happens in the case of client who does not have supportive family and friends to be there?

 

[Ice_Fire]

Hi,

Hijacking the thread a little here. :sorry:

I was forced (not by my old therapist 'T') but by the system of her workplace to end my sessions with her just before Christmas. Which, in all honesty, has broken my heart. Took me over a year to feel safe and trusting and fill that void and learn through the theraputic relationship, how attachments and relationships are supposed to work.

Now I have a new T, who I have had 6 sessions with and we've not even started the trauma work, just discussing day to day issues. Funny thing is, she spoke about 'working towards ending' in our last session! What?! I don't even trust her. I now feel 'forced' to rush into everything at breakneck speed to 'get it out in time'. I've not formed any sort of meaningful attachment to her at all. She's good at teaching me the theory of what my brain and emotions are doing, yet...I dunno, it's empty somehow.

I'm unsure if this is my issue, being I am desperate for an attachment, to feel safe, and then to talk, or if I've got the wrong T?

 

[safenow]

if I've got the wrong T?

How many sessions are you allowed with her? One of the things I hate about public assisted therapy. Just about the time you feel comfortable enough to share what is going on, it's over.

 

[Pencil]

IceFire, please don't stress about 'hijacking' a thread. Looking at my hijackings, it is clear that I think my threads should 'grow organically', or else they dwindle to a stop anyway. So, please go ahead.

I absolutely get what you are saying about losing someone you were clearly attached to (if it broke your heart). And I absolutely get how you feel about the new therapist talking about the end after only 6 sessions. If you do have attachment problems, it really requires long term therapy. How could it not?

So, my opinion is that you've got the wrong therapist.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Pencil! I don't have time now but just wanted to say quickly that I believe our instincts are extremely important. And that differentiating what is actually about the past or mindreading, splitting etc and what is about the present is the darn hard part. If it wasn't for that it would all be fairly simple in a sense. I think this is the stuff that makes it all so hard for all of us.

And then on top of that even if it is about being triggered or about splitting etc it doesn't at all change that we still have to take our reactions seriously as if we don't we very quickly end up in very big trouble. The difference is just that the way we need to deal with them is slightly different depending on which it is. None of it is wrong in a sense and rather it is what it is.

I am a little confused about a few things:confused: but that isn't your doing at all and is rather that my concentration is close to zero .

I had no idea whether it was a problematic pattern

If you feel inclined would you mind saying what "it" refers to?

Also just to check: First 1/ you had the financial issue and had to have a break from T; 2/ she then sent the email and all was well; 3/ you went back and she said you need to befriend the unmet needs; 4/ you told her then that those words were very problematic for you and asked her what she meant by them; 5/ you then didnt have therapy the week after because of finances but the issue with the needs was still unresolved; 6/ you eventually went back for one session and discussed how you could afford therapy and she suggested once a week; 7/ after that you told her you could not come back because of finances and the email with the finance discussion happened and you felt there was little concern (maybe this happened in a T session). 8/ You have had one email since but she doesn't know that you felt uncared for by her pushing of the financial issue without any checking in on your wellbeing.

I know I have some of this wrong at least. Easily distracted!

 

[Abstract]

or if I've got the wrong T?

I agree with Safenow Icefire. Is it because thats all that is offered/allowed or is it that she things thats all you need? Does she know what your life looks like for you or have you not yet managed to let her know the reality of what you are dealing with? I think if I was offered time limited now I would probably just use it for skill learning as I don't think I could face trying to pressurise myself in a short time again. Its great you achieved so much with your last T.

 

[Ice_Fire]

Technically, I'm supposed to have 10 sessions. But my old T, who works in the same place, but the 'childrens' part of the organisation, completely ignored that, and her line manager agreed 100% and I was put into 'long term' therapy. Hence, I saw her for 2 years. The only reason I don't still see her is because I turned 18. :rolleyes:

So, my new T has said that she's 'flexible' with the 10 sessions if we 'have more trauma to cover'....she said she might be able to go up to 16 as long as we have a break of a 'few weeks'. Why that's necessary, I've no idea. And I know that with my old T, such times as the Christmas holidays were horrible, felt like I was being abandoned all over again and she guided me through the holidays via email, both enabling to stand on my own two feet and not fall apart and become totally lost.

So...yeah, new T is not a patch on my old one. The very fact that she knows I have PTSD, my old T told her about the attachment issues we'd be working through and my old T's emphasis on developing a safe therapeutic relationship to understand how human relations work is making me very wary of new T and her approach/attitude. I have got the impression that her usual cliental, she can 'fix' in the standard 10 weeks and she does not want to be a long-term therapist.

By 'have more trauma' I mean any, we haven't even started that yet.

I haven't been able to trust her at all, but the amount of flashbacks I have in session should be a good indication that another 4 hours is not going to do it.

 

[Abstract]

The very fact that she knows I have PTSD, my old T told her about the attachment issues we'd be working through and my old T's emphasis on developing a safe therapeutic relationship to understand how human relations wor

She obviously knows just what you are dealing with Icefire. I am sorry as it is no less than ridiculous. I would encourage you to speak directly to her about this. Some organisations have strict rules for their staff and it is possible that they might have tightened things up. Maybe the week or two break may allow to justify taking you back and side step their criteria. Regardless it doesn't sound like it is going to work for you at all. Do you have other options financially?