Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Might I interject here, that this particular misinformation has caused more retraumatization of people than the original abuse.

Thank you, that provides me with much relief. :)

 

[jmni]

@jmni Do you feel like people you'd bring into your life now (significant others, friends, etc.) would be another version of your family? Or do you feel like being alone has helped to you to discern who's toxic and who isn't more quickly? I'm a little worried that I would isolate. Staying in contact with my family is a way for me to not face reality and to pretend like things weren't so bad. Once reality hits I'm worried I'll lose faith in the human race as a whole.

I can't speak for you but I am not very strong and things are hard for me sometimes. I have isolated myself. I keep to myself and don't communicate with too many people. But actually right now I think it is for the best. I have a lot of things I want to change about myself and would rather focus on just me.

I have had the experience of already letting toxic people into my life. There are plenty of people it's better for me to have nothing to do with and most are a lot of them are toxic and not worth my time. I think that people in our positions have to give ourselves a lot of space. At this point I think that once I feel secure in myself I will be able to bring the right kind of people in and effectively block the wrong kind. But I am not ready for that yet. Another thing that I would like to point out is that being alone is great and I am really loving it. I don't feel lonely. A better term for it would be happy!

No, I don't think you will lose faith in the human race as a whole. You already know that plenty of people have no ethics and worthless. That should not be a shock to you. I think that is some kind of phobia. Unless something happens there is no reason for your mindset to change. But as an individual alone things are bound to happen. Maybe the actual fear, which I share, is having to defend yourself from the unknown and having to take care of yourself.

:hug:

Giving yourself space from toxic family isn't that big of a deal actually. Theoretically you could not talk to them for six months or never again. Do what works best for you.

 

[SweatpantsHairTied]

I am trying to find my 'definition' of myself and break away from these patterns.

Totally relate. It's surreal how much our identities are repressed growing up in those situations. I feel like I was assigned personality traits. There are a lot of mixed emotions when you realize that the way you've been acting for years isn't the most accurate representation of who you really are.

That I should just "get over it" or "forget it ever happened"

Another one of my favorite quotes along those lines is "Everybody makes mistakes". *Rolls eyes*. It's one thing to get over someone cutting you off in traffic, but forgetting that a person who you trusted, who was supposed to protect you, ended up being your abuser? I go back and forth. Sometimes I think that people really believe that you can erase all the memories and the triggers in a day. Other times I feel like they have to be feigning ignorance.

I've often said that Tradition sits at the corner of Guilt and Obligation, and I hate that neighborhood.

Love this.

I have noticed that changing one's identity is just about the only way to really break with them.

Agreed. Definitely in terms of being tracked down and "guilt tripped" in the future, and also I feel like if I kept their name I would still be representing them in a way.

 

[SweatpantsHairTied]

I've always said, "Never Explain - Your friends don't need it, and your enemies don't care." Family can fall into either of these categories. If you find you're constantly having to explain to them (or yourself) why they make you sad, uncomfortable, feeling judged, or why you don't want to deal with them, they probably fall into the latter category.

This is everything. The energy that I spend every day trying to defend my decisions, actions, feelings, etc. is more than I'm willing to admit. As a kid I would act like a lawyer anytime I would have to ask for something. I literally would go to my parents with a piece of paper in my hand that had bulletpoints and rebuttals ready. And you're absolutely right.

but who are they to judge you? why should you fear their judgement? are they any help to you now? are they supporting you without bias?

I think a part of me believes that everyone in life will judge you, even close friends. The idea of unconditional love sounds wonderful but is such a foreign concept to me at this point. It doesn't get under my skin too much if people think I'm stupid, lazy, etc., but "bad"...man. Because I've had multiple traumas, even if I don't think they were "my fault" persay, deep down I feel like I must have deserved it. If that makes sense. Like my actions in the moment didn't cause what happened, but I must have done bad things in general that granted me bad karma.

No, I don't think you will lose faith in the human race as a whole. You already know that plenty of people have no ethics and worthless.

That's the thing though. I was aware that there were dangerous people in the world, but the more I've uncovered about my family's skeletons, the less faith I've had. There are certain things I just can't wrap my head around. My father in particular gets off on seeing other people in pain - especially if he is able to contribute to it - which I don't relate to. But some of the the things he's done...and the way he's gone about it...I honestly wasn't aware that that depth of evil existed and it was right in front of me in my own family.

 

[SweatpantsHairTied]

@Pencil
It seems like it's so much easier to turn the blame back on ourselves when there are multiple toxic people involved. Like you know that how you feel is legitimate, but you question it because you're in the minority.

I made an emotional decision based on the fact that my father was dying - ignoring our history and his violence, and opting for sentimentality

I did the same thing. The relative that I was estranged with for close to a year? We spoke because someone had passed and that was the beginning of me letting my guard down.

I've wondered why it's felt so much more difficult to cut ties with family vs. friends or significant others. Naturally there are factors like the number of years invested, societal pressure, etc., but that article really hit the nail on the head. Someone who manipulates without any conscience, emulates emotions, and has had years to study their target is quite the opponent.

I'll share my story too when I get a break from work within the next couple days.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

Oh, that "Everyone makes mistakes" excuse drives me up the freakin' wall. If someone pulls that on me, I usually say, "Yeah, everyone makes mistakes but, was it a wearing white after Labor Day mistake, or an invading Russia during Winter mistake?"

Then I'm guilty of the mistake of showing what a nerd I am, and having to explain to the young bucks that one is a fashion faux pas and the other resulted in millions of deaths and changed world history. Then I just mess with them and tell them that Germany lost the war because Hitler refused to match his pumps with his handbag.

Everyone makes mistakes :)

 

[Pencil]

I honestly wasn't aware that that depth of evil existed and it was right in front of me in my own family.

Yes, we normalize it to survive it, and we get used to it. I think it is only by distancing that we can get a proper perspective on them. If you stand two inches from an elephant you can't actually see the elephant.

 

[safenow]

One of my father's brothers, (the good one), gave me his good conduct medal when he learned I had thrown my aunt out of the house physically. My home had been broken into during the night, a few weeks previously, and I'd been held captive for 3-4 days and nights, being tortured over and over again. Her comment was, "It's not like you were a virgin or something." I literally kicked her butt out the front door. I had to have multiple surgeries for what happened to me, but I had enough strength to get rid of toxic family.

 

[Pencil]

I've wondered why it's felt so much more difficult to cut ties with family vs. friends or significant others.

Because you internalized them, and they shaped you. By cutting ties with them you have to cut through a bond that goes from them to right inside you - and that plain hurts, it's like cutting yourself. Besides, you share their DNA - by cutting ties with them you almost fight your own DNA. And then the difficult part starts - separating what is truly you, what is shared (and we share some really crap traits and habits with them, and we have to take responsibility for that), and what belongs to them. It is not a 'me' vs 'them' situation, as much as it is a situation that could be depicted in a Venn diagram. It's the middle part that is so difficult to deal with. Something I see over and over again, in myself as well, is that survivors are 'ALL innocent'. And PLEASE don't get me wrong: I'm not saying that a rape victim, for instance, was looking for it, or has to take responsibility for what happened. What I am saying is that in a dysfunctional family we, unknowingly, unwittingly, contribute to the dysfunction, and we have to start seeing our own patterns, insanity, etc. And this is very difficult to do - with or without them. But I do think it is far more difficult, in fact impossible, to do while you are in contact with them, as you get caught up in lock-step interactions.

 

[WillThereBeCake]

I have found the entire dynamic of family can be very dangerous. You see kids being forced to kiss Auntie Bea, or Uncle Bart, and put up with the sometimes horrible things they say, etc. Then we wonder why our daughters (and sons) get into abusive relationships. Once they bond with someone as "family", we have taught them that everything has to be tolerated.

I have also found that those family members that evoke statements to imply that family bonds are unbreakable, are usually the ones abusing that relationship the most. Don't tolerate any behavior from your family members that you wouldn't from anyone else. I wish we taught young children this too.

Side note: Pedophiles know and use this inherent dynamics of families. When I was five, a man tried to snatch me from a home improvement store. I had been taught all the "Stranger Danger" stuff, but this man said something to me (I don't remember exactly) that convinced my little brain that he was my uncle R. To this day I will tell you that I took Uncle R.'s hand and proceeded to walk right out the door of that store. They caught the guy, he was not my uncle, and looked nothing like my uncle, but I would draw you a picture of my uncle still if you asked me to describe that perpetrator.

 

[jmni]

was aware that there were dangerous people in the world, but the more I've uncovered about my family's skeletons, the less faith I've had. There are certain things I just can't wrap my head around. My father in particular gets off on seeing other people in pain - especially if he is able to contribute to it - which I don't relate to. But some of the the things he's done...and the way he's gone about it...I honestly wasn't aware that that depth of evil existed and it was right in front of me in my own family.

It sounds like he is sadistic. Learning about medically diagnosable personality disorders has helped me (borderline, narcissism, histrionic, etc) understand that kind of behavior a little. I also think it is important to understand the difference between bdsm 'sadism/domination' and cruelty/criminal 'sadism/domination'. I can relate to what you are saying. It is scary to know that someone has hurt you/someone else on purpose. He's weird and sick and if you could relate to that you would have serious problems and probably have good reasons to hate yourself. You don't need to be around such things. Life is difficult enough without it.

But what I don't understand is why that should hold you back. There are other sadistic people and people who have done and will do terrible things. That shouldn't stop you from moving on with your life as an individual. Cutting out toxic people with sadistic tendencies is not only healthy, it's wise because you are concerned with your own safety.

 

[Pencil]

Don't tolerate any behavior from your family members that you wouldn't from anyone else

I have tolerated unbelievably crap behavior from people ...