Attachment Issues

[Core]

I grew up with zero, and I mean ZERO physical contact and affection and security etc. Lots of violence, abandonment etc etc. Many people go through this, and don't develop this weird reaction to physical contact that I have, but somehow this is what happened for me.

I have a total intolerance of physical contact, at the same time I have an unbearable need for physical contact. At the same time I have huge attachment problems - the same push pull dynamic.

As I see it, which is probably an obvious viewpoint, is that you learned as a child, again and again, that physical contact is dangerous and will inflict pain. We do not want pain, so, especially as children, our brains quickly learn what to do to avoid it being inflicted upon us. A child touches the hot stove - it hurts - a reflex makes the child pull away - the child does not touch the stove while it is hot again, it checks before touch or just avoids it all together. You also learned that attachment is dangerous and bad, and that being touched by those you're attched to (yes?) is dangerous - brain does not want, brain wants to avoid.

At the same time, you are human, you do need both of these. You long for it, but as you say, freak out when attachment happens/seems to be happening. You never had the attachment you were supposed to, and you long for the feelings of bonding in itself and touch, but then you've been taught to avoid both. You never had the security, attachment hormones, love and stress release of a good, long hug, touch was never what it should've been to you.

I long for being held and feeling secure in that. I did not have physical abuse as a child, "only" the six months of being raped last year. When someone's hand appears to be going towards me I have to keep myself from running or punching them, even when it's the girl in class sitting next to me and just reaching for something. Your fear of touch probably goes a lot deeper, but I do relate. And I'm very, very glad I could provide you with some relief - there is (supposed to be) a simple connection between attachment and touch, and I believe there's connection in you fearing them. :hug:

 

[Rumors]

MIA "Missing in action"

Sorry, forgot about the abbreviations. I am quite sure I might be older than you and MIA was regularly used as I grew up.

What about for just sport? You don't do one night stands or just casual relations? I would have guessed that you could engage only in the part that is satisfying and leave the "connection" aside. Or, does that leave you feeling meaningless??

I have been either married or in a relationship with my husband for so long I don't remember what casual relationships are.

 

[Core]

And the sarcasm thing was probably part my self esteem and part how complicated these isses are for you. ("How could I possibly help anyone, and especially with something that is so complicated, when my thoughts are so simple?") But again, I'm very glad I could help a bit. :happy:

 

[Pencil]

Thanks Core

I do like the therapist tremendously, and I am in the middle of major attachment angst with her (which in my world is actually a good thing seeing that I usually simply don't attach). She is also fully informed about my whole fear of touch/need for touch, and she gets it.

BUT:
How do I overcome the barrier to attachment that I have without any physical contact? She says that talking will create a shift. I am skeptical - I honestly think that I can talk about it until I think I'm okay, but .... I don't know, this is too difficult to explain.

She has said that it must be very hard for me in therapy to have her in the role of my mother, where there is the same 'don't approach' barrier, and the same distance, meaning that she watches me in pain and does nothing. And yes, that is the shortest answer to why I'm not in therapy at the moment - it simply became more upsetting than anything else. And this is also difficult to explain.

my self esteem

Yeah, kind figured that :)

 

[Pencil]

What about for just sport?

Physical contact brings up a whole host (and ghost) of things .... It has to do with my aversion to any physical contact.

 

[Core]

I wish I had the answers for you, Pencil. :hug:

 

[Rumors]

Physical contact brings up a whole host (and ghost) of things .... It has to do with my aversion to any physical contact.

I understand that statement more than you know. All I can say is keep moving forward. You deserve to have someone who wants to hold you and keep you safe and you deserve to feel comfortable in allowing someone to be that for you. I hope you are able to find that some day! I won't give up on that hope for you!!!!

 

[Pencil]

I would have guessed that you could engage only in the part that is satisfying

I have one of two reactions to physical contact - and these two relate to the ANP (adult) and EP (child) Springer and I have been talking about.

I really experience the child as a distinct personality - and it is this split that really became real about a year ago and is central to me losing my marbles. And they react to physical contact differently. The adult experiences physical contact as an unpleasant sensation that bounces around on the surfaces and annoys me to the point of aggression. The child is DEEPLY affected by it in a very child like way. But that kind of touch has to be completely non-sexual, and very maternal, which is out of the question when one is no longer a child. So I need contact that I can't get, and abhor contact I can get.

 

[Rumors]

Wow. I don't connect with any inner child and am sure an alien ship dropped me off in my mid twenties at which time I became slightly aware of my existence. Lol.

Sounds like torture, Pencil. Pretty big weight to carry. I wish you could shuck that!

 

[Core]

I almost want to say "mothering therapy" (as in therapist actually gives you motherly touch) is a possibility, but then I think I've seen someone reply to you about it, and it really does have potential of doing bad. That child needs, aches, hurts and longs for bonding, safety, touch, at least I did back then and still do.

 

[Pencil]

Thank you Rumors. And this is why therapy is so difficult. So when people ask why I'm not in therapy I stick with 'I can't afford it at the moment' (which is one part of it), and when someone asks 'What do you want from a therapist?' I just give a superficial run down of qualities as this thing is too difficult to explain.

In Australia therapy for this is becoming more common (see Allison Ball, for instance) - which goes to show that there are many people with similar difficulties, whereas where I live it seems to be still strictly hands-off. And I don't know if traditional talk therapy can really make a difference. And hence, the opening paragraph of this thread.

So this thread really is about the mixture of the two: attachment issues and physical contact, and Core made an intuitive connection between the two, which is amazing. As this thread is about attachment, I focus on that only, as the connection between attachment and physical contact becomes complicated, and so I deal with only half the issue on here.

 

[Pencil]

"mothering therapy

YES!! And it is actually so simple to put attachment difficulties and the physical contact issues together. Why do you understand it intuitively after I had to write 16 pages of this??? Or is it a Scandinavian progressive something??

Where the hell did you come from??? :):alien::speechless: