Attachment Issues

[Abstract]

and emigrating to Australia

I don't think she is wrong in the boundaries she is setting.

I wonder if it might be helpful for you to spell put what you think you want in therapy. Would you like to try that? With your wise mind. http://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/wise_mind.html

 

[Rumors]

Pencil, my son is 8. ;)

 

[Abstract]

my T is a little unconventional in that she is very emotionally engaged,

Actually I personally don't think it is unconventional for a T to be emotionally engaged. Or for there to be physical contact that is appropriate if it is Ok for the client and context. How that is represented depends on their approach of course (for example CBT generally not that touchy feely I find). And how it is represented also depends on the client and and what the client needs. One of the main focusses of therapy is that the therapist should be emotionally engaged. I am glad you have this 91 girl as it sounds like you are fine with physical contact but were not with emotional. And she has played this right for you and pushed your comfort zone. More contact and intimacy as you are able to tolerate it.

 

['91 Girl]

Yes. But from what I have experienced, she is much more emotional than most T's. She is extremely honest with her emotions and has a rather powerful personality that makes them stand out even more. I think it's moreso than average. Not very "clinical" or "analytical", more relational. Which is exactly what I need and yet I am also highly uncomfortable with it at times.

 

[Pencil]

I've been reading, and there is SO MUCH wonderful stuff coming my way that I'm a little overwhelmed at the moment. Thank you to everyone for your input, even for just liking, it makes me feel less isolated, less desperate. I want to go back and read the responses again in order to respond properly and appropriately.

 

[Rumors]

Pencil, I wonder if the truest most pure relationship you could "start" with is the one with your daughter? When you feel yourself pull away from her, perhaps you can ground yourself by rubbing her head or looking into her eyes and keep yourself in the here and now? I very much do that with my son. When I feel like I am disassociating I find him and rub his head, play a game, or just sit with him and read a book. Instead of going back to my 4 yr old self, I stay in my now person. I am not saying I am 100% successful all of the time, however it really makes me feel better to know at least part of the time I can fight the demons off and stay present.

My son is a gateway to sanity for me. Without him, I have no real reason to fight for a better life or more peace and I am ok using him as my excuse to do better. I am not sure any of that makes sense. Sending strength!

 

[Pencil]

Not very "clinical" or "analytical", more relational.

Okay, I'm going to start, and in no particular order.

I think 91 Girl's comment about her T sums up exactly what is wrong with mine. It could be that 1) she has only been practicing for 4 years, so she's still pretty new, but also that her approach is psychodynamic - which is hands-off to the extreme, but also very into intellectualizing and interpretation. And I think she obviously went for this approach as it suits her personality. Although she is very caring, attentive and astute, she is also very aloof, even a bit cold. I get the impression that she doesn't really get more extreme emotions (I could be wrong), and I think that is why it took us a month -via email - to sort out one hiccup.

Abstract I read the excerpt you quoted, but I do think a bit of warmth from the therapist might have worked better for me. Even so, I thought that the combination of her and another therapist could have worked well since I really feel that she is nothing if not responsible. I think she's very theoretical, clinical and that she goes by the book, but this is what would have kept me safe if another therapist was introduced into the mix to deal with an area that easily makes me go completely off my rocker.

So, the very qualities that at times frustrate me, could also be my saving grace, as I would have needed her as an anchor.

On the other hand, perhaps if she weren't so clinical and cold I might not have felt a need for another. I don't know, can you see why I'm so conflicted about her?

She was right when she said that therapy must have felt like a repetition or replication of the situation with my mother, and that it must have been 'very, very hard'. Yes, it often made me feel that it was TOO hard, and that therapy was simply rubbing salt into raw wounds. I really don't see how sitting through that twice a week would have resolved things.

 

[Abstract]

I have to say I can't really imagine you with someone psychodynamic! Does she combine with anything else? I did not know she was. Off the cuff I would have thought a person centred or someone who uses a variety of approaches would be a better fit.

whatever it is that I expect will show up in the room, I try and predict that and that if the client begins to feel that, I encourage them to talk about it..."

I think this is important to consider. If we have had this in the past (your mother) it will come up in good therapy at some point. The difference is that there needs to be a different outcome. That takes us being willing to engage and discuss and be open to resolution. And it takes the therapist reacting different enough. Otherwise you can be re traumatised.

Thus, therapists establish an initial therapeutic distance that is not ideal in the long term but is necessary to engage a client with high attachment anxiety. This aspect of the model is symbolized by the T positioned closer to the midpoint than the ideally adaptive therapeutic distance, but yet not as close as the distance a client with attachment anxiety In these circumstances, if a therapist insists on maintaining ideally adaptive therapeutic distance, few hyperactivating clients would be able to tolerate the resulting frustration.

If that distance is too far then I can totally understand why it would be intolerable. It might not be quite as close as you want but it needs to be close enough. How you think about it may form part of that but how close will be the other.

 

[Pencil]

"I don’t know if I’d call it a technique, but I’m very disclosing ... . If you hold back, if you are secretive and if you are classically psychoanalytical, a) they will stop therapy, b) they will mistrust, and c) you are perpetuating images that make them feel untrusting of the world to begin with.

EXACTLY!!!!!

And here I'm not referring to disclosure - I'm not terribly interested in her life (does that sound awful??) - but I need to feel closer. There were times that I was close to begging her: Just let me attach in peace in any way that I need, you won't notice anything, it won't change my behaviour in any way, it will simply make me feel as if I can sit down, and feel less terrified. I just want to feel safe'. But, OMG I didn't want to have a conversation about that, and I didn't want her to go cold.

Does she combine with anything else?

Self Psychology. And I sometimes think she thinks 'optimal frustration' means 'maximum frustration' :D

few hyperactivating clients would be able to tolerate the resulting frustration.

Yes, I think this is EXACTLY what went wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Abstract]

Pencil. I would not be able to tolerate having pure psychodynamic therapy again. It helped me way more than CBT and I am grateful in many ways. But I don't think everyone can tolerate that level of lack of reassurance.

She sounds like she knows the above but if she is psychodynamic her idea of close enough is unlikely to be close enough.

 

[Abstract]

I had to look up self psychology. It sounds good in theory but I have no idea how personal that would feel.

 

[Pencil]

And it takes the therapist reacting different enough. Otherwise you can be re traumatised.

Yes, I've read something about 'juxtaposition' - a clear enough difference between then and now. So the therapist saying - 'this must feel just like the situation with your mother, and it must be very, very hard' really was too difficult. Sorry, I'm repeating myself, but this is SO important. It felt like cruelty.