Attachment Issues

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And it takes the therapist reacting different enough. Otherwise you can be re traumatised.

Yes, I've read something about 'juxtaposition' - a clear enough difference between then and now. So the therapist saying - 'this must feel just like the situation with your mother, and it must be very, very hard' really was too difficult. Sorry, I'm repeating myself, but this is SO important. It felt like cruelty.

It all started when I was discussing my sister with the trauma counselor, and the flashbacks started, and I experienced a need when not in session, to be physically closer to her. It was odd, I never wanted to be closer to her during session, only afterwards. I don't know how to explain this - it took me a while to realize that I did not actually want to be closer to her during sessions, but during the flashbacks. I don't know how to explain this. Anyway, I then learned about traumatic transference, and realized I needed to deal with my past, years after I thought I had successfully written it all off.

When I started seeing T4, she said the need to feel closer to the counselor was perfectly normal, as 'this is what children need'. So, if I 'go small' in a session, and she keeps that distance, and expects me to talk about it from an adult perspective, it kind of fries my mind.

 

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I see now why this is SOOO urgent. Way scary. I agree.

Thank you, Eleanor, it is!! My daughter is small, and in such an important stage of her life, and we all know that a year feels like a lifetime to a child. And I DON'T have years to sort this out. I've wasted 9 months with 4 therapists (another long story, documented in bits all over this forum). :banghead:

Are her phone backups close enough to be there physically pretty quickly if need be?

No, nobody knows anything about this crap in my head. Her godmother used to be very involved, but her family situation has changed, and we haven't seen her in about 5 months. My daughter phoned her recently - only for a chat as she missed her. We really are not close to people. The one other person works at the after school centre, so my daughter sees her every day, but there is no contact between me and her.

 

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Heard of the term "good enough mother"?

yes, and I think despite everything I'm managing to be just that, I really do. I am very affectionate when I'm an adult, and fortunately she's now at an age that I can ask her to do other things, such as watch a dvd or take a bath or something when I can't have her near me - I use the excuse that I need to work. I work from home and I always tell her that it might be horrible that I have to work when she wants to play, but that I have to do it for us, so that we can have money to do nice things. So I then sit at my desk and pretend to work.

 

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I have no idea how personal that would feel.

NOT VERY!! :D

 

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She sounds like she knows the above but if she is psychodynamic her idea of close enough is unlikely to be close enough.

I also think that her approach would just not work for me. Can you see now why I didn't want to accept 'responsibility' for the failure? It is sad, as I did attach to her, but I couldn't 'work' with the attachment as I felt so uncomfortable with it and her and myself all the time.

The sad thing is of course that I wanted to get through all the attachment difficulties to start dealing with my past, but in the end I got stuck in the attachment and approach and distance, etc, and never got to deal with the past.

 

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Without him, I have no real reason to fight for a better life or more peace

I agree. It is for my daughter that I keep trying. I have used the analogy of a raft before: I lived on a raft, far from the mainland for 10 years, and when she was small it was easy. But now I need to start living on the mainland as she has to start operating on the mainland, and can't do that successfully without me to be there with her. And so I keep trying.

Your son is lucky Rumors.

 

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What occurs to me is that you are possibly not ready to deal with issue on a physical level yet. It does sound like it is a manifestation of your other attachment issues/past wounds. I think you may be surprised how much you could process with words and emotions.

I agree. But I think I need the 'possibility' as Springer put it. And I know I need to feel safer, closer, or something like that in therapy or anywhere. I remember the surprise I felt when I read Judith Herman's statement that therapy is not the only, and 'not the best' relationship to heal from trauma. But I think that without therapy there is no way I could have a normal relationship again. I am absolutely paranoid about that, and will not survive another relationship f*ck-up.

 

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I need the 'possibility

I totally agree and think that is normal in most therapy. That is very different from the type of therapy you usually quote though! That is what threw me off. I can't see that the body touch therapy quite controversial therapy would suit you now or be safe.

Have you ever looked at integrative therapy with person centred as part of what they have done?

without therapy there is no way I could have a normal relationship again

I think this is totally acceptable and true for many. It is much better you keep yourself away until you can go into something that does not cause you harm.

 

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With therapy not an option at this stage, I know I would have lived in absolute despair without this forum, and without this outlet and sounding board. I need the feedback to stay sane.

 

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That is very different from the type of therapy you usually quote though!

I know, but I quote it mainly to justify ... the validity of my need or something. Where I live it is still considered 'unethical' - it is definitely not incorporated anywhere in therapy. I avoided therapy for YEARS because I thought I had VERY SICK needs - too sick for therapy even! I kept quiet about it - treated it almost like a dirty secret. It was only when I had the freakout with T1 that I started reading and was stupefied to read that those needs CAN actually be addressed in therapy. So perhaps I quote the most hectic stuff, but as proof that I am not so sick after all, and that MUCH more happens in therapy than what I even want. When I read about primal therapy, for instance, I shudder. I would never go there.

But I do wish I at least had the option. It is sitting without even the possibility that I find disheartening. I read Michelle Webster's PhD thesis on physical holding and it makes me feel desperate.

 

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Somewhere, down deep inside, perhaps really deep, there is something that desires more and that realizes there is more. That is the part you have to tap into when you are feeling bad. Even if you use your daughter as an excuse to tap into it.

I fear my son isn't the lucky one in our relationship! LOL! When he tells me he loves me to the moon and back I have this peace that falls over me and makes me know that there is a purpose in life for me other than having a job and making money. I am so excited about his future that I find myself looking forward to seeing him as a man. It is like a really good novel and I am determined for it to have a good ending. I hope you are able to find the same strength looking into your daughters eyes!! (())

 

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I hope you are able to find the same strength looking into your daughters eyes!!

I do that every day.

I am really exhausted. I have a mountain of debt, I do freelance work as I can't cope with the demands of full time employment, and especially not lecturing. I haven't had a holiday, or even a weekend away in nearly ten years. I am a single mother, breadwinner and housekeeper. I battle an insane sister who wants nothing more than to hurt me where it hurts most - my daughter. For this reason I am regularly in contact with the police, social services and other structures. For my daughter I I endure the school counselor's hugs and don't punch her in the face or tell her to f*ck off, as I'd dearly love to do, for her I keep going, no matter how often I feel like giving up. For her I'll go back into therapy when I can afford to do so. For that I have to earn much more than I earn now. For her I will work longer hours. For her I want to stop smoking. For her I want to deal with the past; for many years I 'forgot' about the past, and told her wonderful stories about her grandparents, as she needs to have a sense of family history, and what really happened does not concern her and I never want her to know. Now I need to bury the dead because the discrepancy between my past and the stories I tell her make my head spin. For her ....