I Am Selfish

[Deleted member 1860]

I am selfish and I don't want to be. I selfishly keep people in my life when I know I only bring them down. I know it's selfish to burden others with this horrible disorder. The guilt is so intense. I know I have no right to bring anyone else down, but I do it anyway. I just can't do it anymore.

I've tried to heal in the context of relationships but it doesn't work. I'm going to try something new. I'm going to just let them all go and focus on myself. Maybe years from now ill be well enough to maintain healthy relationships, but until then I'm just going to fly solo.

 

[celia]

If someone loves you and you love them don't let them go.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I know sometimes this condition makes us feel very selfish, but if someone is with you and they know what they are getting into then it is their decision. If they love you and want to be with you warts and all then accept it and enjoy it and don't feel guilty. They love you, that is wonderful.

Don't push them away because of your fear and guilt. That could be seen as being selfish by your partner and hurt them very much; that they have put all the effort into being with you and you push them away.

You can't keep someone in your life if they don't want to be there. They choose to be with you because they love you. It is their decision and, what you are feeling about bringing them down may just be based on your feelings and not true reality, or it may be true but they still want to be with you because they would rather have your love and be with you than not.

 

[Philippa]

I felt the same way when I was very depressed, and chose to go it alone. I thought I was doing the best thing for everyone, but it took me a great many years to really get well again, because I had no one to support me. I know my parents would not have known how to emotionally support me, and probably would have driven me to kill myself without really knowing it, just because they are hopeless at dealing with hard human states like this, and don't know how to listen or connect emotionally with me, and make me feel safe to connect with them, so I also did the right thing for myself...but then screwed it all up by going back and living with them...which is when I became suicidal again.

Sometimes it feels like the best and most unselfish thing to do to get as far away as possible, and work on yourself, and I won't say that isn't a bad idea, but just make sure you are doing it from a position of your intuition guiding you to this as being the best thing or whether you are trying to make yourself feel better about being selfish, and be selfless instead.

If you really feel like it will help you to get well again, then go for it.

 

[Luke]

Don't push them away because of your fear and guilt. That could be seen as being selfish by your partner and hurt them very much; that they have put all the effort into being with you and you push them away.

I have similar sentiments. In my mind I can envision or imagine all of my relationships being based on pity &/or compassion because of how I feel about myself at times. However... I have experienced the emotions described in this quote firsthand. & If you think you feel guilty now... imagine how you'll feel when furtive emotions erupt & you have to face the reality that you've hurt someone deeply by pushing them away, when all they wanted was to be close to you... no matter what. Then you'll just spend years trying to provide some vague restitution. Some awkward, if not effete, apology. This is an almost impossible feat to accomplish. It's a vicious cycle. I've found that because I rarely show any truly demonstrative emotions, people around me have difficulty expressing there own (as they relate to me). Then it explodes unexpectedly, & I feel like I've inadvertently created a powder keg. I feel extremely guilty.

I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with your thoughts. Like I said, I've had similar & long standing sentiments such as yours (regarding isolation) myself. In fact, my thoughts regarding the pragmatism of isolation are often formidable & staunch. It seems so prudent & logical to isolate myself. Just... I don't know... be careful I suppose. Isolation seems simple in principle, yet can be very tricky in practice. Hopefully that makes some sort of sense.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If someone loves you....don't let them go.

How do you get over the guilt of doing them harm? I mean harm in the sense that this disorder just sucks to deal with all around?

 

[celia]

Love heals guilt.. Love has more power .. Plain and simple.

 

[saffy]

Hi SoL

I think that is really sad.

The people stay around you because they want to. They do have a choice.

They stay around because they can see someone in you that you have lost.

You certainly do not come across as selfish to me at all. Rather the opposite if you feel that people are better off without you.

It takes courage to allow yourself to be supported. You do deserve it.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

just make sure you are doing it from a position of your intuition guiding you to this as being the best thing

imagine how you'll feel when furtive emotions erupt & you have to face the reality that you've hurt someone deeply by pushing them away, when all they wanted was to be close to you...

Amen to that.

They stay around because they can see someone in you that you have lost.

.... incredibly well said.

I used to have a guy really, really love me. He was in my life even after all the crap I did to him. Then I just couldn't take the guilt anymore. I broke up with him. He was shocked and felt like I was kicking him when all he wanted to do is be there for me. Some time passed and then I was the one wanting to get back with him, but in the meantime he'd come to the realization that he was happier when we were apart.

I can't say whether it was a good or bad decision to break up with him. On the one hand it was bad because it hurt him. On the other it was good because it set him free. I would just have damaged him further had we continued, and he's the kind of person that lets you walk all over him in the name of love. Come to think about it this way, damn, it's complicated. It's important to take the other person into consideration, and allow them to love you if they really want to.

On the other side, if you feel you can't be happy like that then you might indeed need time to set things straight for yourself. I think it's also important to tell the people whom you want to distance yourself from about the thoughts you just posted here. It might be easier for them to understand and maybe they can help.

 

[Philippa]

The people stay around you because they want to. They do have a choice.

Is this really true though, or do they stick around out of guilt and feeling obliged, or pity, or feeling bad that they will be abandoning you, but really they want to not have the responsability anymore? I don't know. Maybe some rare people actually are that selfless, but most people want to be happy in their lives, and disorders like this one can really take a lot out of them. I think sometimes it is best to let someone go, at least while you are recovering, as you both may be happier apart. When things have improved there is nothing saying you cannot go back and rekindle the relationship. It's complex because you have to think about what is best for you both, and that sometimes demands decisions that will hurt others initially, but end up being the best thing in the long run.

My father gave me pamphlets for contacting 'BeyondBlue', but didn't necessarily want to connect with me or listen to what I had to say, but he wanted me to stick around because he 'needed me'. That didn't smack of someone who had my best interests at heart, though he was trying in his own way.

They stay around because they can see someone in you that you have lost.

That may be true in some cases, but is it true in all cases? I don't know. Sometimes people stay because they don't want to appear to be abandoning someone, or they are co-dependant, and feel the compulsion to please others, to their own detriment.

You certainly do not come across as selfish to me at all. Rather the opposite if you feel that people are better off without you.

I agree with this.

It takes courage to allow yourself to be supported. You do deserve it.

That's definitely true.

 

[NikkiGAPEACH1970]

Hello All,

@ Philippa--I was in a relationship (recently ended 2 weeks ago) with a man with PTSD. I loved this man dearly because I wanted to--no pity involved. I saw a wonderful, strong, vibrant, handsome man. He could not see this and it just baffled me! Six months into our relationship he told me that he was diagnosed with PTSD. I tried so hard to make our relationship work by understanding PTSD. This man slowly but suddenly pushed me away. Avoided my phone calls/text messages with no explanation and it hurts like hell. I have choices to date other men (we all have choices) but right now I'm not interested. My heart is broken and I'm trying so hard to be strong. This man was special to me not because of his PTSD---it was his heart and great spirit that captured me. Let's not forget handsome too! (smile). With all this being said pushing your loved ones away is not the answer. Just my opinion. I wish the best for everyone.

Nikki

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I guess I can't wrap my head around why someone would want to stay? I hate living with this disorder. My mind is stuck living in this hell for life. If I can spare someone exposure to it, I will.

I can't help but feel that I'm holding someone back from better things. Better things meaning not having to waste their time dealing with this stupid disorder. This is why I feel selfish. I have no right to subject anyone to my crap. I have no right to bring someone down.

Yes there is the argument that leaving people hurts them. But, there is a difference. The PTSD hurt lasts and lasts and lasts because there is no end. If you leave someone, they hurt for a bit, but then they're able to move on and not have to deal with it anymore. The pain ultimately ends. Either way there is pain, but one is ongoing, the other ends.

Now I sound like a broken record. I don't know any other way to get rid of the guilt. Maybe I've read too many supporter stories. I see how they hurt and I don't want to do that to anybody. It makes me feel guilty for pulling away and needing my space.

I know I have good qualities. I just see this as a deal breaker. In the same way that abuse is a deal breaker.