Self harm...

[Maggiemay]

C = 'complex' caused from multiple traumas. It's not in dsm, but still used to mark the difference between one off events and the impact of multiple traumas. I also carry the BPD diagnosis, but my symptoms are a lot more controlled these days. Although the two overlap, they have very different impacts on me

Arm now covered in deep purple and Red bruises and hurting. Oh well, they'll turn yellow then fade soon enough.... *sigh *

 

[pathos]

I've tried cutting a few times, but it doesn't have a very big payoff for me. I don't really feel endorphins so it was mostly just a difficulty because I don't like looking at myself in order to cut. I haven't done it in a while.

Mostly what I do is pull hair out (known as trichotillomania). I focus it mostly on my thighs because it's an area that isn't seen, and I will pull out all the hair and then when hair starts growing back, I'll dig into the skin to get it. Then hair grows into the scabs and I'll open the scabs to get the hair. So I have thousands of red dots or scabs or open wounds covering my thighs. Sometimes I'll stop for a period of a few months and then start again when I need a way to relieve anxiety. I just don't know any other coping methods. I can sit for hours at a time just methodically pulling hair and it's such a focus that I go into and I know exactly what I'm doing and it's really comforting - it's 100% control and a clear method to what I'm doing, nothing is going to suddenly happen.

I pull hair from other areas as well, or I'll trim/shave (I'm a guy so this isn't typical), because it's a kind of... manic need to control it... but I do manage to not make it noticeable in areas that people will see. At least, I don't get comments.

 

[Tif]

Maggie: Thanks. :) That describes me as well! BTW, by BPD, do you mean bipolar or borderline? I know the acronyms tend to be backward depending on if you're in the US or Europe...

Pathos: I understand... I have struggled with the hair pulling, but not to that extent. What's always been hard for me is picking... Like, just picking at my skin, any little thing (a pimple, a wart, an ingrown hair, even just an irritated pore)... Then there are times when I get really obsessive and it becomes a major issue because people start to notice, and "I'm just breaking out" doesn't cover it anymore. And it's hard, because I don't notice what I'm doing sometimes. Same with the intense nail biting... Think biting until it bleeds, then going further..... Ugh!

 

[pathos]

Pathos: I understand... I have struggled with the hair pulling, but not to that extent. What's always been hard for me is picking... Like, just picking at my skin, any little thing (a pimple, a wart, an ingrown hair, even just an irritated pore)... Then there are times when I get really obsessive and it becomes a major issue because people start to notice, and "I'm just breaking out" doesn't cover it anymore. And it's hard, because I don't notice what I'm doing sometimes. Same with the intense nail biting... Think biting until it bleeds, then going further..... Ugh!

Yep, that's what I do, but I focus it on areas people can't see. If people start to notice it takes away from the relaxing effect it has. I don't bite my nails though... I've never gotten into that, I don't know why.

 

[Maggiemay]

*huggles* pathos - I used to have a friend who pulled out her hair. It's an incredibly hard cycle to break.

Tif - sorry, BPD = Borderline.

Xxx

 

[Grace511]

Maggiemay, I have also had a strong urge to self injure the past couple of days. I have done it off and on for about seven years now. I have also found myself thinking a lot about suicide; not me committing it but just about it.....
I just started Zoloft 2 weeks ago for PTSD and MDD. Not sure what to do but I know how you feel.

 

[nimkekaa]

MDD

What does MDD stand for?

 

[Maggiemay]

*hugs * Grace. Just hang on in there, it does get easier!

MDD = major depressive disorder xx

 

[Maggiemay]

Just spent an hour and a half in minor injuries - I've badly sprained one of the ligaments in my knee - it hurts lots!! :(

I did it @ 10.30 this morning and tried to ignore it as I was with the kids. I wouldn't let anyone look at it and pretended it was ok as can't risk colleagues seeing the state of my legs due to self harm :(

Dr I saw at hospital was lovely. I was very hesitant when he asked me to take my trousers off. After he'd done the examination and told me what was up, he took down medications I am on. He was so kind. Asked if they were controlling my difficulties, which I said they were (didn't want to go into details there, but made appt to see gp on Mon as I am feeling very low and want to up my mitazipine). He said I'd obv been through a lot to get to where I am today and it's nice to see people coming out the other side and doing well and being successful.

I felt very touched. He obv saw all my scars (my legs are completely covered with scars, many of which should have been stitched but I didn't seek medical intervention), but he didn't judge. It made me realise although things are hard right now, I have conquered a lot :)

 

[maddog]

What a positive experience Maggiemay. There are good, nonjudgmental people out there, and doesn't it make a difference when we stumble upon them! There should be more like him in the medical industry.

Really hope you're feeling better soon.

Maddog

 

[Maggiemay]

Thanks :)

It definitely made a difference to me. I have had my fair share of judgemental professionals over the last 10yrs! Xxx