How to stop beating yourself up?

[Muzikluvr]

I agree with Olivia in that you should try to write it down. I know they're coming fast, and there are too many to write down; but I believe they are repetitive. So, what you miss the first time will come back around and you'll eventually get it all down. The thing to focus on while writing it down is to distance yourself from the thoughts and view them from a scientific perspective. You are the scientist. You are listening to the thoughts and jotting them down. You aren't analyzing them as you type (I'd type because I'm faster at it). You're just getting them down on paper to look at later. Don't get hung up on what you're hearing! Just type.

What I found out about my negative thoughts is that I could also hear WHO had first told me that about myself. A lot of times it was the rapist. But, I had a lot of people in my childhood who thought a lot of negative things about me and they didn't mind telling me. So, you could go back and write down specifically who you remember hearing say those things to you. I didn't write my thoughts down because I was too afraid. Consequently, learning about my negative thoughts took decades.

Connecting who said the negative judgments to me usually led to memories of what was going on when they said those things, and how they misinterpreted me and/or how they HOPED I was so awful so they wouldn't have to protect me from their beloved family abuser... because who the hell wants to turn their favorite uncle in for rape? Eh hem... sorry about that burst of TMI, LOL. But, you get the point, right? Once I connected who said those awful things to me, and why they said them... then I defused most of them on the spot. At first, it was pure anger and rebellion that stopped the thoughts... or... turned them anyway. I would think the horrible thoughts about myself, remember who said it to me and why and then I'd be thinking hateful thoughts about them instead of about me. I'd feel better about myself, even (rebelliously) decide to prove I am better than they said... and that led to positive information about myself.

I could then think the negative thoughts, and instead of turning to anger and resentment, simply replace the negative labels with images of the positive experiences I'd had when I was proving that I am better. Later, I was able to simply dismiss the thoughts because the original speaker was obviously wrong. I'd proved it to myself so many times, even if I was the original speaker, that I could just dismiss the thoughts and replace with the positive.

I say simply, not because it was easy but because once I understood that the thoughts were placed there in an effort to control me, not because they were true, then dismissing them in various ways became second nature. I still have negative thoughts about myself, but they've progressed... they're different, they're not the same old tape on repeat. Now, they're normal insecurities unless I'm triggered, and then I move quickly (internally) through those steps described and at least get myself moving on in present time (especially if I'm out and about). Frankly, it seems like I'd be safer dealing with this at home, but the truth is that the positive experiences come from interacting in the world around me... while triggered in present time, so I can see it's different than it was; and that's something I can't get in the safety of my own home. I need the positive experiences to counteract the negative labels.

I think you can do this, Kas. You deserve to try. You are worth the effort. Good luck!

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Kas Can Fly, can you be open to the idea that the habitual behavior/thinking style is perpetuating the cycle of abuse?

But, I had a lot of people in my childhood who thought a lot of negative things about me and they didn't mind telling me.

See this I know to be true. I had people being verbally abusive all the way from about the age of five (and possibly younger) until recently (I'm 24 and still do on and off) and I definitely recognise that by me thinking this way that it is a form of continuation of the abuse. I don't want to be abusing myself, but how do I stop it. How do I break the cycle. Some things that have been said to me by one person have then been repeated by another person and then another, I've heard the same thing from those people in different ways and whilst I know, accept and realise that by thinking this way I am continuing the work that they started - that I managed to finally escape from. But I still don't know how to stop.

Connecting who said the negative judgments to me usually led to memories of what was going on when they said those things, and how they misinterpreted me and/or how they HOPED I was so awful so they wouldn't have to protect me from their beloved family abuser.

This might be something that helps, so 'll try. Unfortunately I tend to believe people, so it will be a long, tricky process to try and see if I was misinterpreted or not, as I hold even my abusers thoughts and concerns above my own - it's funny that - I can find positive views of him and justify his behaviour - which wouldn't be possible for anyone else - I can show him a sense of compassion - but I can't find that for myself. Habitual is the word for it as Albatross pointed out (not even the first person of the day to say that).

I also realise that a lot of the thoughts are repeated so really I wouldn't be too hard to right them down, but I'm scared to, partially because as soon as I recognise them my mind somehow manages to justify or take them further - even as I prove them wrong. But also just because I'm scared of them. By pretending that I don't hear them, it kind of makes them not real. I am so scared. I end up wasting so much time fighting myself over the smallest things, because I think deep down I'd rather fight my self than deal with the underlying cause. Even if that means fighting indefinitely rather than go through the pain of resolving the problem. I realise yet again (for about the 6th time whilst typing actually) that I really need therapy and therefore receive help and guidance that I need to process these things.

Thanks again.

 

[Philippa]

Just read this, and I can so relate.

For years I didn't know how I was supposed to fight back when it seemed like I constantly was beating myself up, or putting myself down over things that probably weren't so bad.

I started to learn a technique where you counter attack with every neg thing you say about yourself, say "that may be true, but I am also ....... considerate of others, a good cook, inspirational to some, creative etc.... I think we overlook how many things we do right in day to day living, and that can be the hardest thing to stop and take a breath, and look at all the little things that we do right.

I'm not very good at it mind you, but getting better. At least I remember to do it sometimes. I also invested in a hypnosis Mp3 which is specifically for changing internal dialogue to positive, and I honestly think it has helped in some ways. I notice now when I am able to stop and instead of beating myself up when I make a mistake or do something wrong, I catch myself, and instead speak a bit gentler to myself.

It's a start anyway.

I know how frustrating it can be though, when you are aware that all this violence and meanness that we do to ourselves is going on, seemingly beyond our control. It really does feel like it has a life of it's own and I am just a helpless spectator, watching as I tear into myself without any mercy. Having compassion for ourselves is so challenging. I don't know why it has to be that way?

I guess I do need therapy to help transform this as well. I've put it off for so long, but now I actually have the money to comfortably seek help, without having to worry about rent and food and all that. It's a load off my mind to be making good money again. Thanks for drawing this to my attention kas_can_fly. I hope you find the help you need as well, that we all can overcome this terrible habit.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I've been thinking over this and I've realised that to battle the bad is what I want to be able to do, but I don't have faith that any of the things I think are good actually are. I mean I think I'm being nice to someone but how do I know, they seem to like me but how do I know they aren't just lying because either they feel sorry for me or to try and get rid of me. I can be a good cook, but I can also be a terrible one, even the good stuff I make, how do I know that's actually good rather than mediocre or pretty bad. I have no point of reference for so much of this.

Despite the fact that I don't think I am (and go out of my way to make sure I'm not) manipulative or an attention seeker or just broadly a negative, bad person, how do I know I'm not? Just because I'm trying not to be doesn't make it so any more than trying to grow a new leg, what if I am those things with out meaning to be?

For those reasons, I find it difficult to believe myself even if I do try to say something like you're kind, caring or generous. But the few people who I know for example my Mum or Sisters, I think they would lie anyway - like a parent would probably say their child's drawing was good, even if it wasn't, so I can't believe them either. Then I have my friend - now yes, rationally I realise that I probably wouldn't have a friend if I was even a fraction as terrible as I think I am, but I am pretty much all but convinced that the only reason he is my friend is that he thought I'd be easier to get rid of and that now he's stuck with me. I think when he tells me nice things that the only reason he says that is to build up my self confidence so that he doesn't have to deal with me any more.

I realise that's probably a bit too extreme, so then I try to think of it another way - maybe he is genuinely my friend (poor him, I can't understand why) then surely he would do similar to what I believe my mum/sisters to do and say nice things with out either really meaning them/as a passing comment/to shut me up or because it just comes naturally to nice people. I can't believe the positive things I think **might** (I'm pretty uncomfortable thinking that much) be true for fear of being to presumptuous and untruthfully self-flattering and as a result lying. Nonetheless I shall try, you give me these suggestions - yet I am embarrassed to say, that I don't know if I am capable of using them.

**Facepalm** Lost cause.... >_<

 

[Spiderallis]

It's far from a lost cause if you're thinking and trying find ways to change what you don't like- it's hard work, you're facing a very difficult challenge. I think you're handling it very well.

Would the affirmation idea be any easier if you looked at your intentions? Rather than wonder what someone else thought of your being nice, focus on why you tried. You wanted to do something good. How the other person interprets your actions is their concern, let them deal with that.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

It's far from a lost cause

Aren't you nice, I didn't mean the situation I meant me lol!

Would the affirmation idea be any easier if you looked at your intentions?

No because I doubt my own intentions; I came to stay with my friend because not only has he been a powerful help to me in facing what I'm going through, but because he invited me. However I'm sure I've tricked or manipulated him some way into inviting me up, that the reason I've come whilst yes is to heal a bit but only through the self-centred process of attention seeking and again further manipulation, to actively abuse other people around me with the existence of myself. It sounds absurd writing it like this and obvious or as if I'm being melodramatic and I may well be, but it's still what I believe and feel with most every fibre of my being.

If I do something nice - like cook a meal for my friend, I'm convinced I must have an ulterior motive, for example being able to stay here longer or to be invited back at least. Or to make them think that I'm not as horrible as I think I am. To deceive them into thinking I'm a nice person. I am only doing it for some personal gain and that I don't know what that gain is, must mean it's so ingrained into my personality - that is who I am - some sick and twisted, evil who exists for nothing more than selfishness and deceit.

I am so sure, so certain that I don't deserve anything - even to give myself a break, that I can't but the tiny bit of me that does want to fight all the negativity is fighting hard. But no matter how hard it fights, it's still one naked being fighting a mighty and powerfully equipped army. I don't have anything to with fight back with nor anything to defend myself with - for some reason I can't give up and yes that is powerful, but it means I'm stuck in limbo and I don't know what to do. I think I really hate myself (despite knowing the fact that I do) so why does that upset me, why does it always feel so new and fresh - am I falling deeper and deeper into self-hatred or am I standing my ground more and more against stronger hatred? I really don't know.

I'm sure if anyone reads this they'll think I'm wallowing - maybe I am; maybe that's another unpleasant facet of my being (okay so maybe that was a little bit of me wallowing). But I can't begin to explain that anything other than this confuses me and to my mind can't be possible. By telling myself that it might be I'm lying and digging myself in deeper. I can't put down my fists and stop hitting myself, even though I'm so exhausted and tired from it, even though I don't want to feel the pain. But I feel that I deserve the pain and I stopping would make me a bad person. I just can't stop. I wish I could stop it. If I say something nice about myself that feels like a lie and then I should punish myself. If I try to force myself to believe it that's an extension of manipulation.

 

[Philippa]

I don't think you are wallowing, but you definitely think a lot...maybe too much, and complicate things that don't need to be that complicated. I do to. It's a curse at times. You second guess everything as a result of the abuse you've experienced. I do that too. Just trusting that you do cook well in some cases and mediocre in other might be more of a realistic way to think that would satisfy you. If you can find just ONE thing that you KNOW you do well...focus on that.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Kas_Can_Fly, how did people respond to your kindnesses when you were a kid? When you gave hugs or kisses, or when you went to get someone something... how was that received?

 

[The Albatross]

I had to take over the conversation... the one in my own head. I had to stop being the butt end of the emotions, and start calling the shots.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

When you gave hugs or kisses, or when you went to get someone something

I can't really remember giving hugs or kisses, except as a punishment, forced or against my will. but I'm sure I must have done. Depends on the person, but even still mostly when I got someone something I was told that I shouldn't have by means of either a polite reminder or by being shouted at or by being mocked though sometimes in a loving way, again I'm sure that I must have done this in a positive way, I just can't remember. But my childhood wasn't that bad, I don't think, maybe it was, it does seem to be worse than I thought each time I remember.

I had to take over the conversation

I think I am in charge of the conversation though, that's what scares me although not quite as much as not being in control. Both terrify me greatly.

emotions, and start calling the shots.

How do I know if it is emotions and not just an internal dialogue?

 

[The Albatross]

Um... internal dialogue always has a body response. You can take over the conversation... and stop being the butt end of the "dialogue". It is splitting hairs.

The question more aptly is what messages are you giving yourself and are you unnecessarily harming yourself. For me, I decided I was, can, sometimes do.

I am responsible for what I do to my "self". I can wrest control of the "horse" / behavior or habitual thinking style and turn it to my own more generally satisfying, or more beneficial end. It takes practice, perseverance, patience and persistence. It can though be done, though not 100%.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

what messages are you giving yourself and are you unnecessarily harming yourself

I'm giving my self bad messages and I'm harming myself. I don't know if it's unnecessary or not. But I know that at the moment, I can't stop. I think that's the thing.

I can wrest control of the "horse" / behavior or habitual thinking style and turn it to my own more generally satisfying, or more beneficial end.

I need to learn how to stop and I need a teacher and the right understanding for it, the teacher will be a therapist and the understanding will take work on both our parts on teaching me how to become comfortable with not doing it any more.

It takes practice, perseverance, patience and persistence. It can though be done, though not 100%.

I agree that it's possible, I think that right now however, it isn't for me. It will be a long term goal but as depressing as it is, I can't stop it yet, I'm neither ready nor capable. I wish it was. I so bloody wish it was. I wish I could cry, but I haven't been able to for a very long time.