How To Set Boundaries With Family Members

[Mayday]

I need to set some boundaries with family members, particularly my parents. I have been mostly just avoiding them, and as I've had a history of mental health issues, they've conveniently decided that I must just be depressed or whatever. Which suits me, as I am in no way ready to discuss with them my PTSD.

However my mother keeps contacting me asking how I am or do I want to catch up for a coffee, or did I want to come around for dinner one night? I either avoid her messages or make up some excuse, but it makes me feel like I'm being passive aggressive, which then makes me feel worse.

I just want them to give me space. I feel pressured by their contact to respond, so I would prefer if they just left me alone while I'm dealing with things. How do I communicate this with them in a relatively polite way?

I'm finding it really hard to put boundaries in place into existing family relationships.

 

[ClairBear226]

First off, I would say you need to decide where you want that boundary to be. If they are good, loving, stable and healthy parents who have your welfare at heart, it's hard to condemn them for being concerned about their child. A good parent would be, particularly if they know you've been depressed. Think about how much and what kind of contact is right for you right now. And how could you still meet their need for knowing their child is okay? Would a weekly Sunday night check-in phone call be a good compromise? Once you have that ironed out, you need to decide how you want to pose this subject. I would say that an in-person meeting would be best, unless there's a reason not to go that route. Get the chit chat out of the way. Hear about how the family cat is doing, and Aunt Mildred's hemmoroid issues, and Uncle Herbert making the newspaper front page for his eifel tower replica built out of popscicle sticks. Whatever the parents are needing to let you know about. And then, simply, clearly, kindly and firmly let them know you're having a hard time right now. You need some space to sort things out. Assure them that you're okay, and tell them what you're doing to manage it. Let them know that they are loved and valued for their concern, but right now, it's a bit overwhelming, and you need a bit of time to yourself. Let them know how much contact and what kind of contact is okay right now. And who should initiate it. Hear what they have to say. And once the boundary is set, stick to it.

A good, concerned, loving and healthy parent is a rare thing, especially in PTSD land. If this is what you have, please appreciate them, even if they drive you batty sometimes. So many people here don't have that, myself included. If you're one of the lucky ones, please treat them gently. Soak up the love they have to offer, and be as kind as you can. Like a beautiful, rare unicorn, a good loving parent is something to be cherished.

 

[Mayday]

I didn't make my original post clear, but am unable to edit or delete it. I'm sorry that I gave you the idea that I have the mythical "good, loving parents"...I DON'T. I can't even respond anymore. The idea of being around them makes me feel physically sick. I hope this gives you some idea of their parenting skills.

I feel sick now. I know I didn't explain it properly, It's my fault. I will ask the moderators to close this thread.

 

[ClairBear226]

Why close it? You clarified the issue, so no worries.

I'm sorry that I gave you the idea that I have the mythical "good, loving parents"...I DON'T.

Okay, that being said, I understand. I've had to do some serious boundary setting with my own parents. The same idea pretty much applies, but if these aren't great people to begin with , then you can choose how kind you want to be. You still need to decide how much contact you want/ can handle. You still need to tell them in a way that is perfectly clear, and leaves no grey area. And you need to stick with it, no matter how much that boundary gets pushed. I've done this, and it wasn't easy. It began with ignoring phone calls, then a heated phone conversation where I detailed what I wanted. When my boundaries were not respected, I put it in writing. When THAT wasn't respected, I hired a lawyer to write a cease and desist letter. That was this past October. I haven't heard a peep since then. If the problem returns, I'll be pursuing legal action and getting a restraining order. If you think the problem could escalate to the level I've dealt with, then I suggest writing down EVERYTHING. Take notes after your conversations with them and document what you said, and what their response was. It will make it easier if a lawyer ever needs to be in your future.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Mayday,

I am sorry I did not get to respond to you earlier. I read this on my phone. I truly understand your distress about wanting to close it and would probably react similarly internally. I think there are many reasons why we react that way and they are possibly linked to the difficulties we have in setting boundaries. Even talking about boundaries can bring about those old self blame and threat responses. I hope you manage to come back to the thread.

When I read it earlier I was going to ask if it was possible that the questions about your wellbeing were coached in other agendas. If there is a pattern of your preferences being ignored and your boundaries crossed in many small or big ways. There were and are so many ways that I found it difficult to separate what was happening with my interactions with my family and ways in which I could not put it into words. That was before you were able to say that their parenting is poor at best. I am so glad you were able to share that.

I have had so much therapy to do with boundary setting and safety. Especially where it relates to my family.

Many things that are coached in concern when it comes to my mother are actually about undermining or controlling me. Or the concern is not genuine as it only goes so deep and is about them seeming to be caring rather than it being true.

In retrospect it would have helped me to know the following about the subject:
1. That any attempt at setting boundaries is never going to met with instant compliance and acceptance. Especially with those who we most need to set boundaries with. There always tends to be a huge backlash initially.
2. That boundary setting is not about changing others but rather about protecting ourselves. That seems like semantics but there is a big difference in the foundations between the two.
3. That boundary setting and assertiveness doesn't work when we do it apologetically and apeasingly or when we do it aggressively.
4. That it is "normal" to have big backlashes of guilt, shame and feelings of danger after setting boundaries. That feeling worse and in danger is something we need to get through until it becomes more comfortable.

I would be very happy to talk to you about this if you want. It would help if you could give a little more information. Or just feel free to ask me anything if you wish.

I think learning to set boundaries is absolutely essential for our well-being. It has been for me anyway. I think its great that you are starting to look at it. You have a right as a human being to protect yourself.

 

[Mayday]

I've had to do some serious boundary setting with my own parents.

I'm sorry you've also been through this. I just got so panicked as their attempts at contact have felt overwhelming the last few days. I had an appt with my T today and she helped me with the wording so that I could be clear yet not confrontational about it. I struggle with phone calls on the best of days, so I sent it by email.

 

[Mayday]

Oh my goodness Abstract. I could quote your whole post back as you've really hit the nail on the head with everything, but tried to just pick a few key parts

Even talking about boundaries can bring about those old self blame and threat responses

Yes, so true. I have been feeling so...I don't know...panicked, scared, fearful...just even thinking about boundaries.

Or the concern is not genuine as it only goes so deep and is about them seeming to be caring rather than it being true.

I talked about this in therapy today. That their concern is always about them, not about me. So much of it is so because they fear being seen as less than ideal parents.

boundary setting is not about changing others but rather about protecting ourselves.

. Yes. A thousand times yes. It's hard to accept that I have the right to even consider setting boundaries. And here I have gone and done it. It feels surreal almost.

That it is "normal" to have big backlashes of guilt, shame and feelings of danger after setting boundaries.

I'm glad it's normal. I'm trying to take it easy on myself. The feelings of guilt and shame and danger are all triggers for other things. I'm just glad that I have my cats as being with them is very grounding and reassuring for me at the moment.

 

[Abstract]

Hugs if it is Ok Mayday. I don't have time now but will come back later. Good for you for looking at this.

 

[Abstract]

.panicked, scared, fearful...just even thinking about boundaries.

I truly understand this. When I was going through this I thought I was the only one and could not understand my response. I needed a lot of reassurance that it was OK to set boundaries. I could not have done it without therapy and a patient therapist that pushed me along.

So much of it is so because they fear being seen as less than ideal parents.

I understand this too. I doubted myself for the longest time and still do but the truth is that there is always more concern about being seen as good parents than about me. And for me this insidious stuff was enough to make me feel crazy as it is so hard to out into words sometimes.

It's hard to accept that I have the right to even consider setting boundaries. And here I have gone and done it. It feels surreal almost.

Good for you!!!! It takes lots of practice for it to become more comfortable. Be very patient with yourself.

The feelings of guilt and shame and danger

Yes that is exactly what happens. I wish I had realised this long ago too. I guess it makes sense as we automatically feel under threat when we stand up for ourselves if we have a history of not being allowed boundaries in the past.

Pete Walker describes it as having emotional flashbacks at times when dealing with these things.

PS. Speaking on the phone to family at all can itself feel almost unbearable to me at times.