My fiance has been a huge supporter in my therapy. He's the one that made me get into treatment. I'm so thankful that he made me, because I realized that I needed it. I couldn't go on living how I was, a big depressive, suicidal, self harming mess. Even now he's still supportive, but he never talks to me about how he deals with it, I ask but he's the type of person to not talk about emotional or important stuff. We live together and have been together for 3 1/2 years. What I get from him is someone who will always be there for me to talk to, who will take care of me if I'm sick or in pain (I'm having complications from a surgery). He has made my self esteem go up, and made my out look on life better. Sure I'm still depressed and suffering from black outs and flash backs and horrible anxiety and agoraphobia, but I know my life can be better. Especially if I have him in my life.
-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
General What Do You Get Out Of Your Relationship?
- Post starter monicaelise
- Start date
- Status
nursenurse
Diamond Member
The Dude is not responsible for meeting my needs. I am responsible for that. Really truly, what more do we want from anyone than their heart and soul? I value honesty, he gives me honesty. I value humour, he gives me humour. I value a good ear, he gives me his, and I give him mine. I value his mind, he values mine. I know this sounds all Pollyana-ish. You see, to me, when someone offers their heart and their word, they have given the very essence of themselves. That is what I need. On the more superficial level, he understands the nature of my job which involves travel. He sees my mission work as part of my job, not just as some frivolous thing I do on the side. He is not threatened by my friendships, or my life as I continue to live it. We are thankful for each other's place in our lives.
That doesn't mean it is all roses and fluff. Communication is an issue and one which we have both worked very hard at overcoming. It is still not perfect, but if I were to graph it, it would look like it has improved almost 100 %. That is because he values my needs.He is also blessed with a bit of a short fuse. Always verbal, never violent, not directed at me. But enough where he could get himself into trouble. He is starting anger management this weekend, and he has described to me, unsolicited, his hopes and goals. For the here and now, I have seen a major improvement and lengthening of that fuse in the past without the course. It can only get better.
I have been sick, tired, broken and am very human indeed. I am not superwoman. I have no illusions that there will be no bumps in our road. My best weapon was coming to these forums. Coupled with age. I have learned to pick my battles with him, I will tell him I need to think a response over if we are having a disagreement because I want to say things to him in a positive manner, if possible. I used to blow up as well, and I am sure that my personal dynamite is still in there somewhere. I am reserving this as much as possible, and I know it will come out sooner or later as a human reaction. When he is overwhelmed and his fuse is gone, it makes no sense whatsoever to add more fuel to the fire. I don't know if anyone can understand this, but I can see his soul.
If I need more support than he is able to give, I have a wonderful support system of my own, my daughter and her family, my brother and his family, my 3 best friends from high school, as well as a cast of many beyond. I keep my life as I have built it up prior to meeting him, and he does not expect me to compromise any of my own hopes and dreams for him. And I am happy to have him along for the ride. And support him in attaining his own dreams as well.
And there are no guarantees. I was married 21 years before throwing in that towel. But ain't love so grand that the two of us decided to give it a shot regardless of the warts. His PTSD is a small fraction of who he is.
That doesn't mean it is all roses and fluff. Communication is an issue and one which we have both worked very hard at overcoming. It is still not perfect, but if I were to graph it, it would look like it has improved almost 100 %. That is because he values my needs.He is also blessed with a bit of a short fuse. Always verbal, never violent, not directed at me. But enough where he could get himself into trouble. He is starting anger management this weekend, and he has described to me, unsolicited, his hopes and goals. For the here and now, I have seen a major improvement and lengthening of that fuse in the past without the course. It can only get better.
I have been sick, tired, broken and am very human indeed. I am not superwoman. I have no illusions that there will be no bumps in our road. My best weapon was coming to these forums. Coupled with age. I have learned to pick my battles with him, I will tell him I need to think a response over if we are having a disagreement because I want to say things to him in a positive manner, if possible. I used to blow up as well, and I am sure that my personal dynamite is still in there somewhere. I am reserving this as much as possible, and I know it will come out sooner or later as a human reaction. When he is overwhelmed and his fuse is gone, it makes no sense whatsoever to add more fuel to the fire. I don't know if anyone can understand this, but I can see his soul.
If I need more support than he is able to give, I have a wonderful support system of my own, my daughter and her family, my brother and his family, my 3 best friends from high school, as well as a cast of many beyond. I keep my life as I have built it up prior to meeting him, and he does not expect me to compromise any of my own hopes and dreams for him. And I am happy to have him along for the ride. And support him in attaining his own dreams as well.
And there are no guarantees. I was married 21 years before throwing in that towel. But ain't love so grand that the two of us decided to give it a shot regardless of the warts. His PTSD is a small fraction of who he is.
mixtapeheartache
Bronze Member
I'm actually a male trying to comes to grips with the avoidance of my pseudo-ex (who is a woman). Our relationship was relatively short. She courageously told me about her PTSD about two weeks in.
I see many parallels between both male and female sufferers, some different from what I have read and what I am experiencing.
I too have given her my word that I wasn't going anywhere (but sometimes that seems to mean being stuck nowhere). As time passes without contact, you will begins to weaken.
I see many parallels between both male and female sufferers, some different from what I have read and what I am experiencing.
I too have given her my word that I wasn't going anywhere (but sometimes that seems to mean being stuck nowhere). As time passes without contact, you will begins to weaken.
- Post starter
- #16
monicaelise
Bronze Member
Mixtapeheartache what did she give you? Why would you make a promise like that?
nursenurse
Diamond Member
So far, the Dude can do those things, Hashi, but I know there will be times where he can't cope. Depression has been at his side on and off as well. And of course it wouldn't be easy for me either, if he couldn't cope with my issues, but I can only go in armed with a good security net beneath me and let the chips fall where they may. Isn't that what we do in any relationship?
His heart means many things, from unconditional love, seeing beyond the externals, to being able to try to work at this relationship to the best of his ability. To working on himself, to be the best he can be, as much as he is able. Some days, it may mean the drive to stay alive. PTSD does not make him an alien. Just human, like the rest of us.
His heart means many things, from unconditional love, seeing beyond the externals, to being able to try to work at this relationship to the best of his ability. To working on himself, to be the best he can be, as much as he is able. Some days, it may mean the drive to stay alive. PTSD does not make him an alien. Just human, like the rest of us.
nursenurse
Diamond Member
There is a difference between isolating, and abandoning. If she is not keeping in contact somehow, and I think it has been a long time since you two have communicated, I would venture that she has abandoned the relationship in some way. The common courtesy of just letting someone you care about know you are alive is a basic need and right.
I see a lot of trends involving co-dependency, and not just from PTSD sufferers. A lot of people have issues with this and, to me, when most people talk about relationships, they describe many aspects of co-dependency, not a real partnership.
A relationship is two individuals coming together to share life, bonded by something they share deep inside. There isn't really more you can ask for than their heart. It isn't your partner's job to make sure your needs are met. I have no idea where people come up with that - is it all the fairy tale movies or something? Sure, we should help each other out in any way possible, from the heart, but you should never go into a relationship with the expectation that someone is going to "take care of you". Also, everyone has different strengths and different ways in which they know how to show love. One of my exes would help me by cheering me on, another one thought it was more important to help me financially, the one I liked most helped me out by not ever treating me like a "patient" but actually made me felt strong and needed. Many people complain that their partners never do anything for them, when in reality, it's just not the specific things they want. Anyway, we all have our love language and if what your partner does isn't enough for you, then they simply aren't the one for you. Again, my best relationship was harmonious and that's because our personalities and ways of expression complimented each other and meshed. He loved me and felt good by the natural things I do and vice versa. That's why true love is a rare thing and should be cherished.
People tend to be so demanding with each other and then down the road wonder why their best friend is now a heartbreak and many times an enemy.
That's just my personal opinion but I think there is at least a grain of wisdom in it.
Misul
A relationship is two individuals coming together to share life, bonded by something they share deep inside. There isn't really more you can ask for than their heart. It isn't your partner's job to make sure your needs are met. I have no idea where people come up with that - is it all the fairy tale movies or something? Sure, we should help each other out in any way possible, from the heart, but you should never go into a relationship with the expectation that someone is going to "take care of you". Also, everyone has different strengths and different ways in which they know how to show love. One of my exes would help me by cheering me on, another one thought it was more important to help me financially, the one I liked most helped me out by not ever treating me like a "patient" but actually made me felt strong and needed. Many people complain that their partners never do anything for them, when in reality, it's just not the specific things they want. Anyway, we all have our love language and if what your partner does isn't enough for you, then they simply aren't the one for you. Again, my best relationship was harmonious and that's because our personalities and ways of expression complimented each other and meshed. He loved me and felt good by the natural things I do and vice versa. That's why true love is a rare thing and should be cherished.
People tend to be so demanding with each other and then down the road wonder why their best friend is now a heartbreak and many times an enemy.
That's just my personal opinion but I think there is at least a grain of wisdom in it.
Misul
mixtapeheartache
Bronze Member
She was / is actually a very caring and gentle soul, very sweet and giving. Some people you connect with, some you don't. We did.
Besides the solid family values, creative careers we share, love of animals and so on – the superficial stuff – she provided a plethora of basic variables I generally look for in a partner– honesty, intellect, humility (specifically for someone so accomplished), and perhaps above all, kindness. The latter is perhaps the most important attribute you can find in another, the rest cascade from there. Her general behavior and attitude was a pleasure to be around.
My dog also loved her dog (and he is a big part of my life).
I also suspect she is codependent, and I suspect the same for myself. Can't say I have ever had a woman bring me a gift on a first and second date. I'm the same way.
It's been about 4 or so weeks since I've heard anything from her at all, and even then it was relatively benign. But I new she was alive. :)
Why would I make a promise like that? Because I like to think I am man of great empathy and compassion and patience. I don't walk away from friendships / relationships with people that I think / find special in a cavalier manner, that have touched me in some way. I value them because I know in life, they are few and far between. I have been blessed with more than most.
The last time we spoke face to face she took the time to email me the next day to express gratitude that she can continue to have me in her life and how nice it was to see me and clear things up. It is only her behavior suggests otherwise– but it's a bit tricky to decipher when you throuw PTSD / Anxiety / OCD and possibly bulimia into the mix.
I have no delusions of being a martyr, but I have also long learned not to be presumptuous. I can't read peoples minds. If she doesn't want me in her life, or maintain a friendship, I guess I would expect her to tell me.
Maybe that even too much.
I haven't stop living by any means, but I would be delusional to suggest I don't think about her, perhaps obsessively, and that it has effected my overall general mood in some manner. I see a counsellor, I go to codependent meetings, I work out, I write, and spend time outdoors with my dogs, but there is an underlying sense of loss, for certain.
Besides the solid family values, creative careers we share, love of animals and so on – the superficial stuff – she provided a plethora of basic variables I generally look for in a partner– honesty, intellect, humility (specifically for someone so accomplished), and perhaps above all, kindness. The latter is perhaps the most important attribute you can find in another, the rest cascade from there. Her general behavior and attitude was a pleasure to be around.
My dog also loved her dog (and he is a big part of my life).
I also suspect she is codependent, and I suspect the same for myself. Can't say I have ever had a woman bring me a gift on a first and second date. I'm the same way.
It's been about 4 or so weeks since I've heard anything from her at all, and even then it was relatively benign. But I new she was alive. :)
Why would I make a promise like that? Because I like to think I am man of great empathy and compassion and patience. I don't walk away from friendships / relationships with people that I think / find special in a cavalier manner, that have touched me in some way. I value them because I know in life, they are few and far between. I have been blessed with more than most.
The last time we spoke face to face she took the time to email me the next day to express gratitude that she can continue to have me in her life and how nice it was to see me and clear things up. It is only her behavior suggests otherwise– but it's a bit tricky to decipher when you throuw PTSD / Anxiety / OCD and possibly bulimia into the mix.
I have no delusions of being a martyr, but I have also long learned not to be presumptuous. I can't read peoples minds. If she doesn't want me in her life, or maintain a friendship, I guess I would expect her to tell me.
Maybe that even too much.
I haven't stop living by any means, but I would be delusional to suggest I don't think about her, perhaps obsessively, and that it has effected my overall general mood in some manner. I see a counsellor, I go to codependent meetings, I work out, I write, and spend time outdoors with my dogs, but there is an underlying sense of loss, for certain.
mixtapeheartache
Bronze Member
Yes, she was attractive too (which I suspect strokes the ego of someone with generally low self esteem-- although for no apparent reason-- my life is on fire).
- Post starter
- #22
monicaelise
Bronze Member
What exactly is their job? Don't get me wrong, I don't think it's my partner's job to feed and cloth me, but what exactly is a partner supposed to do? Why not keep them simply as friends with benefits if you are not allowed, or supposed, to depend on them for support (again, not financial)? Why would a partner not be expected to provide you with the same things you provide for them? Why should you have to go to a friend or family member to have your needs met? Personally, I don't want to have to get up and go to my friend's house at two a.m. when I'm in excruciating physical pain, because it's not my partner's job to take care of me. :(
I dunno, but it seems one of the bigger reasons to make someone a partner, rather than a pal you sleep with, is that you can depend on each other. I guess I bought into the fairy tale. Perhaps I was just married for too many years to grasp the idea that a mate is just someone who gives me butterflies...
The problem is I don't see "love" anywhere in your descriptions, just the expectation that a partner should take care of you like a parent. A partner is not a parent. Yes, you should feel that you can go to you partner with problems, but I repeat, it is NOT their job to meet your needs! It is YOUR job! Expecting someone else to meet your needs is selfish and immature. If you wake up with pain at 2 AM, yes, you should be able to wake your partner and they should care, but it's not their job to make you better. A partner who cares will probably offer to do something, and what that thing is might differ from person to person. One partner might think of an ice pack, the other might be practical and encourage you to call the dr ASAP in the AM or offer to call for you, another might just offer to sit with you. But if you partner has to get up REALLY early for work or something, you'd have to understand if they can't do too much b/c they have to pay the bills. There has to be a mature understanding. We are not children to can run to a partner when we have a boo boo. Caring and supporting each other takes a more mature way in an adult relationship.
I know a lot of people would get angry, pout, and probably cry if their partner was the one who had to get up early and couldn't offer much but maybe some Advil and a kiss, but I'd say the person who complains about that is only thinking about him/herself and not the partner making money who might not be able to get through the next day if they don't sleep. There has to be compromise and mutual respect. I rarely see that and am not surprised at the divorce rate. Once you start believing your partner has any "jobs" at all, the relationship is already rocky. Being a partner is a voluntary thing. You cannot force someone to love and care for you and it is not a job.
A life threatening emergency is a totally different situation. Obviously, that would be priority number one!
Misul
I know a lot of people would get angry, pout, and probably cry if their partner was the one who had to get up early and couldn't offer much but maybe some Advil and a kiss, but I'd say the person who complains about that is only thinking about him/herself and not the partner making money who might not be able to get through the next day if they don't sleep. There has to be compromise and mutual respect. I rarely see that and am not surprised at the divorce rate. Once you start believing your partner has any "jobs" at all, the relationship is already rocky. Being a partner is a voluntary thing. You cannot force someone to love and care for you and it is not a job.
A life threatening emergency is a totally different situation. Obviously, that would be priority number one!
Misul
nursenurse
Diamond Member
There are some fundamental needs that must be met in any relationship. I can turn to my Dude with anything that hits me, but I have to be prepared that at times he may not be able to respond in a manner that I need. It doesn't mean he doesn't care. His support might be different. What I need from him is giving me what he can, with his heart. In any relationship, that flows along a continuum. Even when together, we are sometimes at different points on that continuum, and the other person has to pick up the slack. No one can pick up the slack 100% of the time, that is deadly to any relationship.
You cannot enter into any relationship without certain expectations, wants and desires. We all have those. To make a relationship successful, one has to define those things for themselves. Discuss mutually beneficial ways af supporting each other in those areas. Find common ground.
I understand what you are asking, Monicaelise. The caring part goes beyond, and it isn't friends with benefits. We need to have clear expectations of one another in a relationship. With PTSD, on the continuum of support, I think it probably tips as the sufferer needing more support than the supporter over the course of time. But that is only one aspect of any relationship, albeit a big one. I've met many people over the years, been in a couple of bad relationships, and I can honestly tell you that if the Dude can fully give me his heart to the best of his ability, it is much simpler, unconditional, and gratifying than someone who comes with a laundry list of other complications in life. But, we do have to make sure that while meeting our own needs, that our partners' needs aren't steamrolled in the process. That goes for both partners in any relationship, PTSD or not. And that is where communication, understanding and compromise come in.
You cannot enter into any relationship without certain expectations, wants and desires. We all have those. To make a relationship successful, one has to define those things for themselves. Discuss mutually beneficial ways af supporting each other in those areas. Find common ground.
I understand what you are asking, Monicaelise. The caring part goes beyond, and it isn't friends with benefits. We need to have clear expectations of one another in a relationship. With PTSD, on the continuum of support, I think it probably tips as the sufferer needing more support than the supporter over the course of time. But that is only one aspect of any relationship, albeit a big one. I've met many people over the years, been in a couple of bad relationships, and I can honestly tell you that if the Dude can fully give me his heart to the best of his ability, it is much simpler, unconditional, and gratifying than someone who comes with a laundry list of other complications in life. But, we do have to make sure that while meeting our own needs, that our partners' needs aren't steamrolled in the process. That goes for both partners in any relationship, PTSD or not. And that is where communication, understanding and compromise come in.
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
