Relationship I Got Kicked Off The Roller Coaster ~ Venting A Bit

[sisu]

I've known my boyfriend for 6 years and we've been in a serious relationship for 3 years - until yesterday. His PTSD is from military service in a combat zone. I say this because I think he thinks in a military style. Most of the time our relationship is perfectly normal - happy times, both partners contributing to the relationship, etc. He does have bouts of depression and numbness about twice a year. Normally we can get through those times fairly un-scathed. I have learned through this forum how to handle those times without taking it personally. He is never mean and I talk to him daily even during those depression periods. The same was happening with this one - but in addition to the normal stressors that pile up on him he had 3 extra ones this time. Apparently those 3 extra stressors put him over the edge and I was cut loose.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel at this point. Obviously I am sad and hurt because after 3 years I was so easily cut free. But I think I also feel a bit of relief. During these depression periods he is quiet, but still wants to talk on the phone so I do all the talking and I hear grunts or mumbles on the other end. I have to make sure to express my love a lot during those times because he gets very down on himself and feels unlovable. And even if I'm having a problem, I can't really vent to him during this time because it’s just too much for him. So, I guess it can be stressful for me too and I didn't even realize this.

The thing is though, these 2 depression/numbing periods per year don't last very long and they are fairly predictable. What isn't predictable is him. I do love the guy; I have invested 3 years of my life with this man. I love his kids and he loves mine. He is (was) my best friend too. But I can't force him to be with me if he isn't happy - but he isn't happy because of the cyclical depression which will be gone soon. And in the meantime he has tossed me away. He believes our relationship is the main stressor for him right now – the others are his kids which cannot be tossed away. I am the disposable one.

Ugh! It’s all so frustrating and painful. Has anyone else experienced this?

 

[kahlan]

I'm very sorry to hear that. Anytime a relationship ends it's hard. Only thing I can really say is do you for awhile and spend some extra time with your kids :) Be happy for you (or at least fake it til you feel it) and if he wants to try to make it work and you want to as well you'll have a better position to stand in because you'll have had a chance to make yourself better. Also I'm a big proponent of counselling/therapy in general. Sometimes you just need an objective outsider to listen and help you make sense of what goes on inside your head.

I know this is easier said than done but i wish you well :)

 

[MoeX]

I know exactly how you feel. My BF (ex?) And I are going through this right now. We are apart but stll have contact. We have a child together.

Have you read the ptsd cup explanation?? If not read it. It helped me understand a lot. What I am realizing is that currently with all the stress he has going on right now he can't handle the relationship too. Maybe he never will again. It hurts but you have to take one day at a time. I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish you well

 

[Court]

I am on that roller coaster now and I can't totally get off due to deployment. I keep being told I have been removed from the ride by my husband and I walk away to be dragged back onto it due to not wanting him to be even more unstable while at war. I don't want the dreaded knock at the door due to me just tearing down the roller coaster.

It's hard and I can say my 13 year marriage had its rocky parts prior to PTSD even being in the picture and before this second deployment I felt the PTSD was under control and we were in a good place.

It's a mental and emotional ride from h*ll somedays but others he makes me smile and feel like a princess.

I am getting help for me and think even supporters need that 3rd person or outsider to vent to and receive guidance from it does help especially on the rough days.

Sorry I went on and on its one of the bad days and my head is just a mess. I hope through this forum you can get answers or help! My heart feels for you!

Court

 

[sisu]

Thank you for all of your kind supportive words. I spent my weekend with my girlfriends - my kids were with their dad. It was nice to get out even though I had to force myself. If I would have stayed in I would have spent all of my time having a pity party for myself.

I think most of what I am feeling is anger - I have spent so much time learning about his PTSD so as to be supportive to him. And then instead of leaning on me during an "episode" of depression/numbness, I get dropped. Logically I "get" that this is PTSD, but even so he could have handled it differently. He could have asked for some space and I would have gladly given it to him ~ but instead he takes this route. After almost 3 years this is what I mean to him.

Sisu

 

[sisu]

Apparently still venting....

We both even know why he is isolating - we both know this will pass. But in his depressive state he cannot see that right now. I've been through this before, I know what it is....but it still doesn't make it any easier. Bleh.

 

[Barberian]

Just a suggestion. If he isn't in counseling ask him to start after this episode ends and he's back to "normal". He may not feel like he needs it because he's back to "normal" but if this is a recurring cycle there is something deep down inside him he is struggling with and losing. If he was winning, it wouldn't come back, or it would be getting easier each time.

Please point him to this post and/or My Combat PTSD <--- link. My Combat PTSD is for COMBAT VETERANS ONLY. People who have served in ANY MILITARY, AND in any COMBAT ZONE. That site has vets from Vietnam to today still serving. There is a lot of knowledge and experience in dealing with the beast and it's many friends (depression, anxiety, etc).

I have a bit of experience with Combat PTSD, Major Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder among a few other conditions. The longer he waits, the worse it can become if the source of his depression isn't dealt with and overcome as much as it can be. From what you described, he is on a downhill trajectory which is very common for vets.

It is common for just about anybody who starts counceling to get worse before they get better. It's just part of the process of self discovery and healing. You need to find out what is bothering you, which can be traumatic, before you can start working on overcoming it.

I don't mean to scare you, but twenty two vets in the U.S. (on avg) commit suicide every day. Usually from depression. From what you described, he isn't in very much danger at present, but if it gets worse...?

If he hasn't been evaluated by the VA, I strongly suggest he do so. Even a rating of 0% will allow him to get medications and counseling for free from the VA for any service connected disabilities - PTSD and depression. If he doesn't succeed on the first try: try, try again. I suggest not doing the claim process yourself, use a VFA (Veterans of Foreign Wars) advocate or one of the many other advocates. If the "local" VA isn't very close, they do compensate you for the mileage afterwards by mail if you go to an appointment or the E.R.

If nothing else works to motivate him, tell him he may get mailbox money (a check - depending on disability %age) every month, and the possibility if it gets worse he will already be pre-approved and in the system. Something that usually takes over a year, sometimes up to two or more years.

 

[sisu]

Thanks Barberian! He goes to his psych appointment every 3 months for his meds, but I think he could use some more therapy. He tried group therapy a few months ago but it was with a bunch of "newbies" he said and they hadn't even been through the VA system. I think he needs to explore some other groups that would better suit him. In my eyes I think he is just doing the minimum to get by on his healing. He could be doing a lot more proactive things to be better.

He is 100% disabled with the VA and just medically retired from the Army in June 100% disabled. He has some physical issues (back, knees, shoulder) but it is mostly the PTSD.

His cyclical depression (January & July) have been fairly mild up until this July episode. I think one major stressor in particular has escalated his depression and he just couldn't handle it anymore. He broke up with me - said he was done. I guess I have to take that at face value even though I know exactly why he did it. PTSD really sucks. I love the man so much but the PTSD monster is ruthless sometimes. We have been down this same road 3 previous times. The first time we didn't speak for 2 years - mostly because I didn't understand PTSD at all. We reconnected and then it happened 2 other times and we reconciled quickly. This is the 4th time - obviously its a problem. Time to decide what I want!

 

[Barberian]

When he comes back ask him if he is interested in one on one counseling with a psychologist. I've found talking with one very helpful. I don't have to wait for "my turn" to talk as in group, and the conversation is only about me, not everything under the sun from the other members of group.

Along with seeing a psychiatrist for meds, I also see a psychologist for mental counseling one on one (talking stuff over). The psychologist is a key part of my recovery. Sometimes it's just going through the motions, and sometimes it is very helpful. I was seeing the psychologist weekly for the first year or two, now I'm down to biweekly.

Group therapy has been mentioned several times, but I haven't been at a point where I could handle it. Group therapy is not the only option.

 

[sisu]

That is a great idea Barberian - psychiatrist for meds and psychologist for mental counseling. IF I ever talk to him again I will suggest this. I really think he could benefit a lot from additional counseling and he is not real hip on group.

Then I also have to decide if I want to talk to him again. I have been on this rollercoaster for a while and I am tired of the instability. I totally get why he does what he does, I have spend hours and hours reading and learning about PTSD so I can better support him, and I am very understanding and supportive. BUT when he is feeling really depressed and overwhelmed, I am the one who gets cut free. Why wouldn't he lean on me for support instead of cutting me out of his life? Its so painful and frustrating. I don't think love is enough in this case. He thinks he does fine - but he needs to do better.

 

[Barberian]

Well, your first priority is to take care of yourself. As for why he wouldn't lean on you, it is not uncommon for people with PTSD or depression to isolate from those who know and care about them. It is just a symptom of mental health illness. They don't feel worthy or are afraid of hurting those they care about.

Along with learning about PTSD, I suggest also researching depression may help you understand him.

One of the first things a person needs to understand about PTSD and depression is that the person who is affected may not always act/think logically. 1+1 does not always equal 2. A loving caring person does not always equal safety. Once you've accepted that, it's easier to accept that their behavior may not always make sense. It's not personal, they are not trying to "Punish" you. They are trying to survive. It depends on how bad their symptoms are affecting their thought processes. PTSD is a mental health illness. It can be mild, or it can be devastating and disabling to the person affected. Often the symptoms are rather cyclic, like a rollercoaster. Sometimes bad, sometimes not so much.

I've probably said some things you are probably already aware of. I don't know you, or how much you know. It's just a OCD trait habit I have of over explaining myself. Sorry if I've wasted any of your time.

 

[sisu]

Barberian, you have not wasted any of my time ~ if anything you have been a blessing and a treasure to me. I read and research and do everything I can to understand but the bottom line is, I don't have PTSD. In hearing from you and learning your perspective (one that he cannot always share with me), I gain new understanding.

As the "loved one" who wants to help, it doesn't always make sense to my why he does what he does. I am always learning - I've been a member of this site for about 5 years now and I always learn something new. The thing is, 99% of the time we are great. That 1% is a killer and catches me off guard every time.

I sent him an email Friday and texted him once yesterday - that is all the contact I have made since he called me on Thursday to break it off. The text was short and just let him know I am here if he needs to talk to a friend. I guess I'll get going with my own thing and pray for his return. Just put one foot in front of the other.....