Questions Regarding Identity

[Pietro]

What is "identity"? What constitutes identity?

For a long time, I've had trouble identifying what I really like to do, what really makes me excited, motivated, etc., be it with regard to career, social activity, personal hobbies, etc. Nothing ever feels quite right.

Sometimes, it's more a case where I have so many interests, that they conflict with one another in my mind -- which one should I allocate time to? But the end result is always the same -- I just end-up never doing or changing anything. I end-up with mental paralysis.

How does a person find their "true self", or simply know when they've achieved it? Is this something that can be repressed, like emotion and memory? Maybe I'm afraid of what my "true self" really is?

I think, in my case, that my identity was largely subjugated by my over-controlling parents, by development of co-dependence, and by fears of not living up to other's images of me.

I'd be interested to hear about anyone who's had this issue, and/or solved it. :)

 

[Misul]

Pietro,

I struggle with this myself. You explained how it feels quite well. Most of my life I've been in survival mode and never really felt okay to be myself. I was always bouncing around from interest to interest, loving them all but not finding "my place" so to speak. It wasn't until a recent cancer scare that I finally realized what I want to be doing. Nothing like looming death to shake us and make us realize what we regret NOT doing. I'm not dying btw but now I know what I want to do.

It's easy for someone to say, "If you had a year to live, what would you do?" because it's actually the fright and finality that wakes us, not the question. So if you're able to imagine the fright of having a fixed amount of time left, then maybe you can answer that question for yourself. I was able to look inward and my heart told me all I needed to know. You really already know the answer, you just can't see it yet. What is it you'd be doing if you didn't have over controlling parents, co dependence, and fears of not living to other peoples' image of you? THAT is what you should be doing.

I hope that helped.

Misul

 

[Deleted member 1860]

How odd.

I was thinking about this very topic last night as I was falling asleep. I was going to post it as well.

I don't have issues with interests such as leisure activities. My difficulty is in deciding what I want to do career wise. I had to leave school shortly after diagnosed, so that adds to my issue in that I'm discouraged as well. I feel that I need to make a decision. I'm in my 30's for cripes sake! (But I'm also dealing with being on disability at the moment, struggling to know what I will be able to handle if/when I return to work, etc) I've jumped between VERY different studies and career paths so many times, I don't think I can even remember them all! I think I've finally found something I like, so I'm sticking with it for now. We shall see....

 

[Pietro]

I was always bouncing around from interest to interest, loving them all but not finding "my place" so to speak.

Story of my life. :) I'm still much like this. Sometimes it's an advantage, because I can pick-up information on new subjects very easily, as I need to. But, it also makes for scattered focus.

What is it you'd be doing if you didn't have over controlling parents, co dependence, and fears of not living to other peoples' image of you?

That's the question. More difficult, I know of some things I *think* I'd like, but this exists on a cognitive level only; there's no *emotion* involved in any of this, right now. This goes back to another issue I've been struggling with lately -- apathy and lack of motivation.

Regardless, what you say is absolutely true.

I don't have issues with interests such as leisure activities. My difficulty is in deciding what I want to do career wise.

My difficulty is with everything. I have a career in computer systems that I like -- really like, actually. However, I don't like working in the corporate world, much. I think I'd like it better if I were able to be independent, but, with two young special needs kids, I can't really do risky things like that. And then I think, maybe I'd prefer a career in some other field, because there are other things I'm interested in -- too many other things. ;)

Leisure is just as bad, especially since I have a hard time accepting leisure anyway. So, really, identity issues may be just a small part of a bigger problem, for me.

 

[mamachick]

I don't know what I like anymore so it seems I don't like anything. I suspect that it is because whatever I show that I like has been taken away. If I don't like, nobody can take away as punishment

 

[anonymous]

I think, in my case, that my identity was largely subjugated by my over-controlling parents, by development of co-dependence, and by fears of not living up to other's images of me.

I've been talking about this in therapy today. My personality is simply whatever it is required to be to fit in. I don't have a 'me' of my own.

However, my therapist thinks that I do have a personal 'me', it's just very repressed. She also believes that therapy will help to find it. I worry about what she might find, about the emotional stuff it carries and whether that side of myself is just not developed because it's always been hidden. And I don't know how she will find it.

So I'm not much help really. But I think I get what you're explaining here.

 

[Pietro]

My personality is simply whatever it is required to be to fit in.

We are chameleons! I have so many damned, different personalities -- I pull them out of a hat like a magician. ;)

This is not the worst thing, for me -- it's more about identifying likes and dislikes. I also believe that my identity is within me, somewhere, lurking. How to find it is the question.

it seems I dont like anything

That's kind of where I'm at, right now. Nothing seems good, or interesting, or exciting, or motivating. Life is very blah, right now.

 

[Hashi]

I think identity is our fundamental values. Likes and dislikes aren't actually identity, they're things that are in line with our values or out of line with them. So they're consistent with our identity, but not our actual identity.

For example, one thing I value is creativity. That's part of my identity but the form it takes can change over time. When I was a child, I liked choreographing dances to my favourite songs. When I got older, I liked buying cheap clothes and customising them with alterations and dyeing. As an adult, I started doing creative writing then later art. These all felt right for me because they're all in line with my value of creativity. Other things in line with that value will - and do - feel right for me. I like going to an art exhibition or spending a day with a friend making Christmas cards (craft geek :p).

On the other hand, things that aren't in line with my values won't feel right for me. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with them, only that they don't resonate with me. Competition isn't one of my values, so I have no interest in watching sports or playing team games.

I didn't used to have a clue about my identity or values so I had to google lists of values and identify which were mine. It was enlightening, and helped me make sense of myself. In some ways, I felt it gave me permission to be myself. For example, I know my career has been held back by PTSD, but on top of that I felt guilty for being so lacking in drive and ambition at work. However, looking at my values, status and financial success simply aren't there. Adventure is. So, it was valid for me to take time off work and go travelling, to live abroad, to do a random series of jobs that were all very interesting but didn't lead me towards the top of the career ladder. Knowing that, and knowing I have values like equality, involvement and collaboration, has helped me look for a new job that will be a good fit, rather than something I think I should be doing but which isn't right for me.

Thinking about values helps me look at things that are ordinary for other people to do and decide whether I would even want to do them, irrespective of PTSD. I don't meet friends in the pub, and without understanding my values I can't tell whether that's due to PTSD or if it's just me. In fact, it's just me. My values include thinking about ideas but they don't include socialising as such - which means I'm happier joining a book club than standing in a pub chatting. Someone else might be the complete opposite.

 

[Misul]

Hashi,

Your post resonates with me. Thank you for that - I feel like I can explain myself better to others because of your description of values. I was never really able to put those ideas into words.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Pietro,

I very much agree with Hashi with this. I have done a lot of work on identity over the last 5 or so years and there a few things that have particularly helped me.

One of the things that helps me to start is that we all have different sides of us. I don't want to feel phased by feeling different at times. What I concentrate on is feeling authentic in the moment. I check to see if how I am responding is motivated by fear or insecurity or if it genuinely me. Taking into consideration what is appropriate for the situation of course.

The other thing I have read and found is that being assertive also helps. It sounds silly but boundaries are about knowing where we end and others start and being able to manage that. It helps give a sense of me ness. Neither aggression not passiveness gives us that.

Thirdly I did some work that sounds very similar to what Hashi describes and it helped me a lot. I have certain reservations when it comes to NLP (neuro linguistic programming) but it was an NLP exercise that I used.

I can't remember it fully but one writes down any value one has until you can't think of any more. Once you have hit a blank for the third time you stop. A value does not have to be something like honesty. It can be family, money, change, anything. There was then a complex process of comparing each value with all of the others and rating them in terms of importance. Then one looks at how family and past have influenced these and if they are really ones own values as well as looking how much ones life reflects them.

I know this may not all be relevant to your discussion but doing this started giving me a base to work from as a result of knowing what was important to me and what I wanted my life to reflect. I did it in a semi business environment and we had to share our top 5 or 10 with the people on either side of us. I was as different to them as one could possible be, and I was glad. Money was in the top two for both and not a factor in mine. It also helped me truly shake some of the stuff attached to me by my family and no longer feel guilty or torn over it.

By doing these three things - authenticity, boundaries and values - I feel totally different to how I did. I have a long way to go when it comes to identity for other reasons but still know who I am and am much more solid as a result.

From that a whole lot of self knowledge of the smaller things has flowed and keeps doing so.

 

[Pietro]

I think identity is our fundamental values.

This is a pretty astounding explanation, IMHO. :) To the extent that this should be published somewhere. I haven't seen as good an explanation of identity anywhere. I will try some of the things you mentioned. Thanks very much!

I know my career has been held back by PTSD...

Me too. Significantly. But, like you, I've never been interested in climbing the corporate ladder. My problem is that I caved, I sold-out because it seemed easier, less scary or risky. There are lots of reasons for this, almost all related to PTSD. Having young children also gives me less flexibility, so I am constrained in numerous ways. But I'm trying to figure this out. I know that I could be doing something much closer to my own work-style than I am.

 

[Pietro]

I check to see if how I am responding is motivated by fear or insecurity or if it genuinely me.

I need to do this more. I've only recently even begun to recognize the difference between these things. Especially fear. I think I've lived with subconscious fear for so long that I don't have anything else to compare it to.

The other thing I have read and found is that being assertive also helps.

Traditionally, this is something I royally suck at. I've been a doormat. But, this is starting to finally change. Slowly, but it is. And, in fact, I've been thinking about identity a lot over the past few days, and this is one of the items that came to mind -- so it's very powerful to have you corroborate the relationship between identity and assertiveness.

...one writes down any value one has until you can't think of any more.

I can see this as being very helpful. It's surprising just what you learn from little exercises like this.

I know this may not all be relevant to your discussion...

Personally, I think it's completely relevant -- everything you said. :) Thank you very much. Between you and Hashi, I have some new things to think about and work on. :D