Does Anyone Else Do This?

[EvenStrongerNow]

Regarding friendships . . .

I long for friends. I am good at spotting the abusive ones and disengage.

Here is where I have trouble, because of much discouragement with abusive friends, I am afraid to meet new ones.

For example, I met a gal in college. She is nice.

After graduation, she invited me out for coffee. We had fun and even made jokes about anxiety making us talk about ourselves a lot or rambling.

Since then, she has invited me to go hiking and I never got back to her and 3 days ago, she texted about getting coffee this coming week and I have responded.

All the experiences I have had with abusive friends, them not initiating hanging out or doing any work to keep in touch was a real issue for me.

Now I am the one doing it :/ Ugh!

 

[StarChild]

Dear StrongerNow, for a better understanding of your post, I would like to ask you if your opinion about it is: That someone who doesn't respond or doesn't initiating or doesn't any work to keep a friendship going, is an abusive person? Could you explain it to me, because right now I'm a bit confused about it.....

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

No. Lol

I just meant that factor existed with abusive friends.

I know there are many reasons people don't initiate contact or do work to keep a friendship going outside of being an abusive person, certainly.

Sorry for the confusion. I am mainly asking why how come the non bothers me so much in other people and I do it myself.

Hmm. Maybe I am on to something. Projection anyone? Lol

Seriously though, I feel as though I am afraid of doing any work to keep a friendship going because of experiences I have had with abusive friends basically. It seems as though I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Actually, I have no freaking idea why I am doing it. It is recent I think.

IM AN AGORAPHOBE!!! ahhhhhh! Oh no....how did this happen??

 

[Philippa]

Maybe you are starting to see from the other side of the fence, and what you thought was people showing no interest in the friendship before was really possibly something else all together. Maybe they were afraid of being friends with you for the same reason you are now?

People can get lazy, and their lives are busy and it can be hard to make time for friends.

I know what you mean though. I did not want friends for a very long time, mainly because they became so demanding of my time that I never had the chance to do what I wanted, but also because of mistreatment and being hurt. We all can be abusive at times though. It's whether or not you are able to stand up to them, and work through it, or discern whether it is worth it and they will change or not.

 

[Philippa]

It does sound like projection.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

My friend picker sucks. For so long, I picked friends like my abusers that now I am not sure how.

This girl, she is really nice. I have never just NOT answered someone. That is unlike me. Maybe I don't need to understand it and just reply? But what if she turns out like them?

It is fear. So much fear.

Before my last trauma, I was so extraverted. I went to all kinds of events, etc. I wasn't afraid of socializing. After living with the sociopath, it all changed. I remember the first time it happened. It was in 2010. He and I were at a hoagie shop in Annapolis. The cashier started asking us where we lived, what we do, etc. I felt the fear rise up in me. A bunch of emotions flooded within me. I started getting paranoid. Why is he asking so many personal questions??

Okay. I just have to talk about it. I was in witness relocation with the sociopath. I don't wanna go into it but some bad people wanted him dead for being a snitch.

So I have a very valid reason for fearing people asking questions. The only problem is, that was in the past, this is now. It served me then. It doesn't serve me now. It is so hard. Between the sociopath and that experience, I don't look at people the same anymore. It benefits in that I don't go around blindly trusting people anymore but it doesn't benefit me in that I keep waiting for the shoe to drop all the time.

Ugh. There. Now I need to go ground myself.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I know this isn't making any sense and I'm contradicting myself. I'm sorry. This seems very fragmented. I am going to discuss this with my T on Wednesday.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

Or maybe I was getting to the truth and avoided....hmmm

 

[maddog]

StrongerNow, just wanted to send you some gentle validation for what you are experiencing, including all of the perceived fragmenting and confusion of what you are explaining. Actually I haven't found your explanations to be fragmented at all, or at least not beyond the fact that this is a very complex issue by its very nature, so explaining and understanding it is never going to be straightforward.

I think that discussing it with your therapist is a great idea, as he/she knows you and your situation better than we do and is in a position to offer a balance of input as a result.

From what you describe, it is absolutely no wonder that you find the issue of human closeness, trust, sharing and the asking of questions/giving of commitment to be inherently threatening and unsettling. For what it's worth, I too struggle with the ambivalence of longing for close friends, lamenting/mistrusting when they don't seem to keep in regular touch, whilst simultaneously being sort of glad when they don't and actively repelling or ignoring contact when they do. I don't think I can unwravel it any better than you at the moment, except to understand that from a context of greatly disrupted and unsafe attachments of all types, it is inevitable that there will be no linear relationship with a human being, and no stable relationship at all that doesn't come with bumps in the road.

Try not to pressure or analyse yourself more than is inevitable. If you don't feel like catching up with her, that's ok, as long as you are clear and unambiguous in your responses and try to be as transparent and up front with her as you can be, just as you have a right to expect in return. Maybe it's not destined to be a close or frequent friendship, but more a social catchup friendship of mutual convenience, and that is fine too. Friendships take all forms, and it's very hard to understand that or to put it into operation when you have so many unresolved "shoulds" around friends in the first place an struggle, as you seem to and I definitely do, with the "black and white", "good versus bad" dichotomy of humans.

Now who is rambling...

Hope you at least feel a little less alone and alien having shared here.

Maddog

 

[Philippa]

A way I like to think of it when I start to feel insecure that someone isn't calling me, and are we really friends, is to remember that if we were always in contact there'd be nothing new to talk about. Having some time in between seeing each other allows for there to be more to talk about from our lives.

Having said that, I think grounding and meditation might serve you well at this time. These past experiences can and do color our future relationships, so it's totally normal that you would hesitate, but I do want to remind that if you are half expecting things to go wrong or go the way they have always gone, then on some level this fear will create the very situation you don't want. Getting to a point in your healing and mind where you are able to not allow those fears to affect you so much, or you can turn around and question them, will serve you in future friendships.

Just because people in the past did not value you as a friend and were abusive, does not mean you cannot attract new and better people into your current reality. If you believe that you truly do deserve better, then that is what you will attract. If you don't, then you will continue to attract more of the same. Working on those beliefs is a good place to start.

 

[bell]

@StrongerNow, just chiming it to say that your "friend picker" does *not* "suck" if this person is genuinely nice. Baby steps. :)

Plus, coffee is a relatively easy thing, because it can be quick or long, depending. If you're really feeling nervous, you could always say that you're squeezing it in between things and only have x amount of time. I've found it a way to ease into friendships because it's quick and don't have to go into many details that way.

However, if you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it which is okay, too. Just go easy on yourself, okay?

 

[Pietro]

But what if she turns out like them?

You'll never know if you don't reach-out. :) Being aware that your "friend-picker" is skewed by past trauma, you know that you have to be a little more aware to look for the signs that someone will not be a good connection for you. The only way this gets better is through practice. If the fear is not overwhelming, and you are able to meet this person despite your anxiety, I think it would be worth it.

I have the same exact problems. This is one of the biggest challenges I have right now.

Okay. I just have to talk about it. I was in witness relocation with the sociopath. I don't wanna go into it but some bad people wanted him dead for being a snitch.

Wow. You're definitely better off, as I'm sure you know. Very dangerous life.

However, if you aren't feeling it, you aren't feeling it which is okay, too. Just go easy on yourself, okay?

Agree with everything you said. Great advice. :)