I Can't Hold Any Friendships And I Feel Like I Don't Belong Anywhere...

[saffy]

Hi Sharkey

I understand what you are going through. FOr me it feels like I am not grounded anywhere, like there but not really part of it.

But I also relate to people saying they are best friends and then not being there when you need them. It is very confusing eh. Are they friends? Am I too demanding? Do they care really?

SOmetimes I think that they do but just do not realise the intensity or importance. And why we might take a minor rejection as something massive they only see how reaction when we run and hide from those rejecting us. To avoid more hurt? to avoid more rejection? It is different for everyone.

I have learnt thought that while my head is full of hurt and wonder of what I have done wrong, to them it is so minor it is not considered important. Sometimes I also have to remind myself that although my own thoughts can be devistating and probably irrational in some ways I also forget that event though 'normal' people appear to be normal they too have doubts and fears and hurt. It just sometimes I just do not think it is as intense as mine. Which is quite selfish on my part I think.

What I have learned is that until I learn to love myself I rely on others for things they just cannot help with, too often. Does that make sense.

What that person said to you about garbage is so out of line I pity the person who can be that venomous and deliberately try to hurt someone by making them feel worthless. Don' t let others make you feel bad about yourself (I am sure you do that enough for yourself, I do) :)

I hope you find some respite from this awful feeling of not belonging. It is hard I know.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[sharky]

Thank you for sharing that, Saffy. I have a lot of doubts that are like yours when it comes to friendships. And I am quick to make a decision that someone is toxic, I think.

And you're definitely right. Learning to love ourselves is more important. I'm not left alone with other people all the time, but rather with myself. So, naturally, I am my own biggest threat.

And I have the same 'fence riding' about whether or not it is okay to think that 'normal' peoples feelings are not as intense as my own. It's not that I don't think that EVERYONE has those horrible feelings at times... I just feel like they are able to be happier so much more often, while I am having a CONSTANT, 24/7 battle....

And then of course there's the fact that I will acknowledge their current bad feelings and be there for them and help them through it and actually put thought and effort into giving them advice or listening.... I don't know why, but even if I resent them for having such trivial issues, most of the time I take it very seriously and do whatever I am capable to help. And then they ignore me when I need help because to them it seems like I am just being over-reactive. Because PTSD is just, you know, "whatever". (a little bit of resentful sarcasm there at the end, if you couldn't tell)

 

[saffy]

I understand that. SOmetimes I sit and wonder why it is that I appear more considerate, more caring or have more time for others than they seem to for us. I often think when consoling or helping someone if they recognise this as well as their focus on their current problems.

For us it seems natural to help because we understand how bad it can be for someone and want them to avoid feeling as bad as we do. We have a caring nature and consider others, probably before ourselves a lot.

However, When it comes to getting help and support myself it seems people are all to often too busy or do not understand the significance of my problem.

Me being me though and not feeling I am worth a lot I find it hard to expect and demand that someone will take care of me when I need it. I have hidden these needs so well for so long people tend to think I am either fine and can take care of myself or that I am cold an have no feelings (I tend to hide them anyway). I suppose I do not want to appear vulnerable to others without any support.

I spent years wondering why and could never figure it out. For me now I intend to just get myself stronger and to learn how to be more assertive, more confident, higher self esteem and worth and to learn that their actions is not because of me but because of them.

Sarcasm aside, I get what you are saying and it does hurt when they do not validate your feelings. It makes you think you are not important but really it is their attitude to giving time to others. People can be generally selfish without even realising it ;)

I find it frustrating and disappointing and hurtful when I do not get the support I need, I suppose you feel the same. And it makes me angry that they take my help and not give it back. But then I do not give help and support to others for them to be in my debt or to owe me anything back. I do question why I help them sometimes and it all comes back to my generosity and caring nature and understanding of others feelings and needs. I think you are probably the same.

I think now that I have to make lots of time for myself as well now rather than just focusing on others. There has to be a balance or it will always seem one sided. :)

best wishes
Saffy

 

[sharky]

lol I think I was as compassionate as you for other people around me at one point... But for most of them, I have lost that compassion until they actually are really upset about something. But then again, these people I'm talking about are people I have already pushed out of my life because I did not feel that they were not only treating me the way I deserved.... But that they were talking about me behind my back. And also what I now believe to be my increasing social anxiety and not the truth - that people were only hanging out with me JUST so that they could talk about me later... But the problem is, with some of my old friends.... I think that it might have been true.

Or that they all only liked me because I was constantly drugged out on various pills and was probably a lot more fun to be around because at those times I couldn't even remember my problems, let alone try to think or talk about them. I still medicate with xanax, which a lot of the time I really need it to calm my heart down, although sometimes I take a lot more so that I can get high... and most days I smoke a bowl. But smoking really improves my quality of life, and is better for my health than taking regular doses of xanax.

Anyways... ..... I am really really sorry but I just dissociated and I don't remember what I was talking about. :/ I'll respond to this again later if I can remember. I am having difficulty re-reading what you wrote to try to jog my memory at the moment. Crap. Sorry

 

[saffy]

I hate people who talk behind others backs. I always think if you have something to say do it to my face or shut up. And if they cannot say it in front of me then it is mindless gossip and I should not let it or them bother me.

Sometimes I even think well if they are talking about me they are leaving someone else alone. lol

Unfortunately there are a lot of people who 'gossip' but it depends whether their gossip is degrading or supportive. Does that make sense.

It is hard to find good friends and how to get their respect. Maybe I just do not expect it or demand it enough. Do you ever confront the current friends about their gossiping? If you are like me I just totally shut them out of my life and move on.

I do not like gossips so try and find people who do not seem too. I watch people very carefully and listen to what they are saying to me and others. If they spend a lot of time talking to me about another person or puts another person down in front of me, I automatically think, well if you are talking about them, I bet you are doing the same about me to others. So I either choose to not bother talking to them again or set them up with some untrue gossip.

I think that people in general discuss things about other people but it is in the vain they do it that matters. If they gossiping to cause trouble, bully or to degrade or shame someone, then the gossipers are obviously so insecure they have to put other down to big themselves up or to get attention themselves.

If they are chatting out of concern or out of interest about you then that is different. YOu have to find out the motives of the gossip and decide whether to let immature gossipy people into your life to bother you and make you feel bad about yourself. No one has the right to do that. WHo are they to judge anyway.

Smoke a bowl? what is that? a joint? I smoke joints regularly it help calm me from the tramadol I am addicted too.

It is funny you say you think they liked you better when drunk or drugged. Maybe you have grown out of them rather than the other way round. You have grown out of it but they haven't and still need a 'clown' for entertainment. maybe?

I felt the same now I do not get drunk as much as before and go wild. I realise that I have grown from that but they liked the other part and I do like that part any more.


You have matured and grown so are just not compatible with those people anymore. :)


That's interesting about what you said about dissociating. I do that all the time and makes sense now. Thinking about it I think I have done that all my life and will explain why I cannot remember most of my life. I still need grounding now I suppose. Thanks for that insight :)

Hope you are well today :)

best wishes
Saffy

 

[sharky]

It is hard to find good friends and how to get their respect. Maybe I just do not expect it or demand it enough. Do you ever confront the current friends about their gossiping? If you are like me I just totally shut them out of my life and move on.

It's a bit of both. Usually what happens is that I will try to confront them, and then they start to go off in super defense mode or attack mode. So I just walk away from the situation and stay away because I CAN deal with confrontation, but only when I know it will actually have some sort of resolution. For example my boyfriend's sister... After she abandoned me on that day that I needed her, I didn't talk to her for several days and stayed at my moms house. I felt like she had instantly turned her back on me just so she could try to make things about her. I was so mad and upset, and I knew that trying to talk to her in that state would end very poorly. So I waited three or four days, and then I sent her a message via skype. I had my boyfriend read it (who is someone who deals with people every day at his work, and is very well known for how kind he is and how he makes a very good mediator) and he said that it was very good. Because I spent my time NOT attacking her, but letting her know how I felt.

And I even explained that yes, I might be so avoiding of her because of my PTSD and abandonment/trust issues. And that, as unfortunate as it is, I lost my trust with her. But that I would like to try to rebuild it, but that I wanted her to know that things were not going to be exactly the same and there really wasn't anything I could do about it. I couldn't force myself to feel differently(I thoroughly explained all of that, with a very nice 'tone').

She knows that I have PTSD, and I know that she has never looked up anything about it. Despite that she claims I am her 'sister' and 'best friend'(which has always kind of upset me). So at the end I also said that maybe things would make more sense to her, if she wanted to, to google things about PTSD. I even gave her phrases to look up that might give her more specific answers.

She responded by attacking me about the original reason she abandoned me. A disagreement on opinions. She then told me she has feelings too (which I fully acknowledged in my first response, by the way and was being very respectful of) and that it is so awful of me to throw away three years of 'sisterhood' over one incident. After a long attack on me, about how all of this is my fault and I only need to focus on how SHE feels... She said "I love you and miss you like crazy." Which just made me feel like that was complete bullshit.

I had been told by my boyfriend, and his brother, that she REALLY just wanted to be friends with me (before I messaged her) and that she was having 'sleepless nights' because I wasn't talking to her. So from a LOT of pushing from them, I messaged her. And that was the response that I got. She also claimed that she would 'look into' PTSD, but in context of everything else she was saying... I really doubt it.

Sorry, went kind of off on a rant about that... But yes, I smoke weed daily and also take xanax on most days. Especially lately. Weed helps in extraordinary ways. One, if I am in a good mood, it can prolong that good mood and make everything I do just seem that much better. And keeping my mood up is incredibly difficult otherwise. Also, if I am not just having a 'good ol' time', it can help me think and analyze things from a rational standpoint instead of letting my emotions cloud my mind. And then other times, it helps to almost 'push out' the bad feelings I am having, and might make me cry, etc. But it's a cry that I needed and always feel better afterwards.

Also, yes.. I seem to have a lot of problems with dissociating. I will have trouble holding conversations at times(just randomly), even if I try to focus on the mouth of the person talking, I just cannot grasp what they're actually saying. Other times I go into 'co-pilot' mode, and don't really remember what I did for generally short periods of time (a few minutes to maybe a couple of hours). Other times, when I am forced into confrontation, I completely black out. I start with my adrenaline pumping a lot, and my heart racing, and my blood rushes to my face... And then after that I don't remember anything and I forget what I say or how the confrontation went, or even if I responded at all. Most of the time someone doesn't even need to be yelling at me for me to go into that weird mode. It just needs to be a situation that I feel could end explosively or could get me into trouble with that person, or get them to be frustrated with me.

It's unfortunate because that dissociation/freezing thing really gets in the way of me trying to express how I feel in certain situations.

Even online I have that problem(like facebook and stuff, because people are always hostile on facebook especially at my age), but recently I have been able to just walk away from it until I have calmed down. Because online I can later go back and see the crazed responses I write to people that are either incoherent or just don't come off as well as they could have.

 

[saffy]

Which just made me feel like that was complete bullshit.

It sounds like she is quite selfish and does like to make things about her. By telling your BF etc that she has sleepless nights ect sounds like attention seeking especially as her response was not of someone upset about being ignored but rather annoyed at not being paid attention too. Does that make sense.

However, now you know she is like this you can stop wasting any energy in trying to get her to understand or accept your point of view or feelings. As hard as it is, it is not a reflection of you but a reflection of her and her need to be centre of attention and have her needs seen to even if it means riding rough shod over others needs. This is jsut immaturity on her part, not yours.

You should be proud that you handled it very well, did the right thing in writting to her and said the right things. Unfortunately you do not always get the response you want but you have to accept that too.

You have done a mature and healthy thing by letting her know how you feel without blame. Unfortunately she is not mature enough to appreciate that.

You can feel safe in holding your head up high knowing you did the right thing. You are not responsible for her, she has to be responsible for her own actions.

I did similar with a friend who kept saying I was her best friend but actually it never felt like she was mine because her action were similar to your friends. I realised that she and I had totally different ideas of what best friends were about. She liked the though of saying to people she has lots of friends but doesn't actually want to put the effort in to maintain and equal best friend relationship.
I realised it was her behaviour and attitude that was the problem, nothing I did and certainly not because of me. She does this with lots of people.

I did not waste any more energy on a one sided friendship. I said I would be there for her if she really needed me but that was it as far as our closeness got. I had to make the decision that life it too short to pursue a relationship that is one sided.

I also wrote a letter to my mum to try and do the same thing and that got ripped up and thrown in the bin. It was closure for me and I walked away knowing that I had tried and approached it maturely, I cannot make her do anything but I can take note of her response and the way she handled it (badly) and make a final decision as to whether I actually wanted someone like that in my life anyway. The answer was NO. So I walked away and let them fade into the distance.

Yes I use weed in a more medicinal way than just smoking for fun. IT certainly calms me and helps me think more clearer, ironic really lol. The stuff I am getting is so strong at the moment though I do feel heavy stoned now and again. Which is fine sometimes but makes me really lazy lol. Anyway I enjoy it and can control it and use it carefully and have found this combination better than any other legal drug the doctor has given me. :)

I will have trouble holding conversations at times(just randomly), even if I try to focus on the mouth of the person talking, I just cannot grasp what they're actually saying.

wow, I do that. Sometimes it even sounds like a completely foreign language or gobbledegook. I can watch telly and get the same sometimes :)

Or I can be listening and talking then just totally fade out blankly then cannot remember what I was talking about at all. Even during a conversation. But if they ask what I was thinking about I cannot remember that either, total blank. :)

Yes I hate being confronted too and have panic attacks or just go so wild they get scared and think I am going to hit them. I never do but I think it is a defence mode to protect myself. Rather than arguing it out properly I get really anxious, cant breathe trying to get out what I want to say, started shouting and getting in their face then walking away as if nothing happened.

A lot of people I know say they would not mess with me or that I would sort things out or that I can appear quite aggressive. I sit and think, really? I don't feel like that at all, inside I am nervous and think I am being OK. I always thought I must have a split personality, one that they see and one which I see, but I cannot see the one they see. Does that make sense?

I get that about facebook, I have to read carefully the tone and try to think about it rationally before I respond. When I am confronted directly I haven't time to think rationally and lash out and be totally irrational and uncontrollable. :)

Although It is probably easier for me on social sites now I am older. I don't think I would have coped so well when I was younger. Although there was nothing like the internet when I was growing up.

I have trouble even knowing how I feel about something let alone talk about it. lol

I hope you are well today. You sound like you have a good BF. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[sharky]

I really can relate to what you said about either being too fearful or being explosive, so to speak, about confrontations. In high school I was known for my explosive behavior, and having friends telling me that they are glad they're on my good side and stuff like that. I felt "F*ck yeah, who's going to mess with me now" and I had this constant war-path state of mind.

But I was still scared. I used to have to walk home from the bus and it was about three small town blocks (I live in a pretty small college town) and I used to carry a saw blade and an ice pick in my back pack. Because 'he' would also always be there at that bus stop (it's behind the middle school, where all the buses in town meet before actually going on their routes so people can get on the right bus, because people rode in from the high school and other schools and whatnot) and I was terrified he would follow me home.

But that explosive behavior, that "I'm such a badass, if I act tough enough people will stay out of my way" started to crumble away once I was out of high school. It's still there sometimes, but more often than not I avoid any possibility of coming into confrontation.

Last night my boyfriend and I had been 'invited' (although we also kind of live there, but we've just been staying at my moms since this thing with his sister happened) to go over to his mother's house, with his mother, him, his sister, and his brother to just hang out and apparently talk about this screen play idea that his brother has. I refused to go because neither his mom or his sister have actually said that they won't talk to me about what happened and so my instincts are telling me that if it ISN'T an intentional trap... If I am in the same room as them I will still get ambushed anyways.

I really wish I wasn't so fear-struck to go over there because I have my ferrets and my cats there. For the past week my boyfriend has had to go over there alone to care for them, and I really just want to go be with them. But I just do not want to try to 'hash it out' with his sister because as soon as it doesn't go the way she wants, which it won't, she will start to freak out. She will want to put all of this behind us and be friends again. Be 'sisters'. I do not want that, which will cause problems no matter how nicely I try to say it. And then there's a chance his mother might get involved who, when she wants to be, can be one of the most unreasonable and biased people I have ever met.

I just don't know what I am going to do about that. I just want to know that it's safe for me to go over there, that I can go downstairs, into the bedroom and be left alone. It's kind of like an apartment room over there and I can easily stay out of the way and not even be heard... I just don't want to be 'sought out' for any reason. And no amount of xanax is going to help me there. In this scenario, weed will make me more paranoid, and if I don't take enough xanax to get me 'messed up' then I will be too afraid. But if I take enough xanax to get 'messed up' then I am essentially a drunk who might lash out far more than necessary.

I am sure something will be figured out soon enough... Some sort of truce...

Oh, and about the weed for medicinal use... That's how I use it, maybe I just didn't describe it well? When I am happy it keeps me happy, and when I am having really bad anxiety, hallucinations, or other symptoms, a combination of xanax and weed can really really help me out.

Oh, and given what I said in the beginning of this post about being both explosive and also anxious... I DEFINITELY know what you mean about feeling like you have two different personalities. There's the person on the outside, when other people are around... And there's the person on the inside who only comes out when nobody is around.

I find that I like myself the most when given the combination of having a good day and being completely alone... I think I am the most fun then. And those times make me wish so much that others could see THAT person, rather than the fearful and neurotic person they are shown.

 

[saffy]

I refused to go because neither his mom or his sister have actually said that they won't talk to me about what happened and so my instincts are telling me that if it ISN'T an intentional trap... If I am in the same room as them I will still get ambushed anyways.

It seems to me that you feel you have no control when it comes to meeting them.

You can control what you talk about and what you disclose, you know. If you choose not to talk about it and say firmly that you do not want to talk about it but are here just to relax and have a bit of fun chat and to see your ferrets ect the you have to expect them to respect your wishes. If they then persist you have every right to just ignore them and tell them again firmly that they are not respecting your wishes. :)

When you do it assertively you are considering them but you are lalso looking after your own needs, which is important. does that make sense?

Be 'sisters'. I do not want that, which will cause problems no matter how nicely I try to say it

Again I feel you think you do not a have any control of how far your relationship goes between the two of you. So far it seems that she has all the control. But as an equal relationship you can take it as far or as close as you want. If you feel she has let you down you can be slightly more distant than if you were best friends. But you must also ask yourself if you are doing it to punish her or that you are doing it because you genuinely do not like her very much now. :)

I find that I like myself the most when given the combination of having a good day and being completely alone.

What is stopping you from having those days?

I know how you feel about how you stand in certain relationships, but I have learnt that if I am not coming from my own truth then the anxiety is due to me not doing what I think is right just to try and please someone else.

The thing is you can tell if someone is not coming from their truth. I have recognised that in others now that I know what it is. And I myself now find it quite frustrating and confusing.

I hope that makes sense.

I got what you meant about the greenery :)

having friends telling me that they are glad they're on my good side and stuff like that. I felt "F*ck yeah, who's going to mess with me now"

ah see that what I find confusing. because for me, all I thought I was was a small insignificant person in the corner scared to talk to anyone. When I did speak to anyone I was outgoing but not aggressive, or so I thought. But people seem to be intimidated by me. Maybe they just cannot take my openess. I will say things others are thinking but will not say. I think they are cowards.
Maybe by me saying things they think I am not a coward. But that is not why I say things, not to make myself look strong or anything but out of disgust for their hypocrisy and cowardness. If they have something to say bloody say it, dont sit there and bitch with your friends about it. lets get it out the open.

hahaha. Ok, just reading that back I can see why people can be intimidated. I just think I am coming from my truth. I guess truth hurts or sometimes does not want to be heard even though everyone is thinking that anyway. wow. Sorry went off on one then.

Hope that all made sense anyway. Was kind of a light bulb moment for me. I guess I just never learnt diplomacy lol ;)

Anyways, I think we know a lot more about our bodies and what we want that we want to admit or realise. It is our conditioning that ruins us.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[sharky]

In terms of whether or not I am punishing her - that's not it. It's that I had a lot of issues with things she would do in the past... But I would try to look past that because I thought that her theatrics wouldn't get in the way of our friendship. And now she has proven that I was definitely wrong about that, and it's not really something I believe will change and it's definitely not something I want to let happen to me over, and over, and over again.

And yeah, like you, I kind of got my reputation by being someone who was very bold. I spoke my mind a lot about the things I was passionate about, like animals. I live in a rural area, where hunting is the norm and in one of my classes I chose to do a speech about why I think hunting is wrong. 80% of that, was because I truly feel that way and 20% was because it was like I was trying to see if anyone was actually going to try to argue with me on it. When I get into certain arguments, I don't back down. I hate not having the last word, and will try to do whatever I can to make sure I get the last word in.

I remember getting into fights in class and having my teachers gently asking me to go for walks down the hallways until I cooled off instead of sending me to the office... This might sound narcissistic but I think it was because they knew something was wrong with me.

Anyways, I stopped doing the 'I am trying to egg you on' thing after high school.. But I continued to firmly stand by my opinions and speak out when the issues came up. But more and more lately I have been shy and anxious about my opinions and have started to go inward. Although often times I do very well with people that actually engage in a 'debate' with me... There are a lot of people out there, for example, who will respond to me being vegetarian by just saying "YEAH, I LOVE ANIMALS TOO. I LOVE TO EAT THEM. HAHAHAHA THEY ARE SO DELICIOUS" and even though those people are not critically thinking, and aren't even trying to debate or stand for any opinion... And I know I should ignore them... I can't. I feel like I am being mocked. That the good things I try to do are pointless because people are always around me pointing fingers at me and laughing. Like my passions in life are just meaningless jokes. And in the past I have tried to rationally argue with people who do things like that, and if you can imagine... The outcome was never good and left me with my blood boiling.

Thinking back on how I was in high school... I used to be SO angry. My freshman year, I was the worst. My abuse had happened the summer before that year, and I had come out the other end of that darkness as a wrecking ball. I was quick to make gory threats to people (that I obviously never acted on) if they rubbed me the wrong way. God, I used to be so angry. And I wasn't a bully or anything. I didn't pick on people who weren't doing anything. But to people that would try to bully me or tried to just be a jackass to either one of my friends or were just being a jackass in general... I would make these really messed up threats to them... And I was still depressed back then. I'd go home every night and listen to "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails on repeat, just laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. I never did any homework, and I failed almost every class I took that year. My sophomore year wasn't much better, and my junior year was when I started using. And by my senior year I was still abusing drugs(even though I was getting A's and B's), I dropped out, and was listed as a 'run away' because I was living in a tweaker pad with some friends and refused to tell my mother where the address was. But then the year after that I went back into school, at an alternative school, and graduated with flying colors despite the fact that I was still using, even then.

I just went way off topic... But I am glad I don't threaten people like that anymore... But I think I'd rather be angry than be in this anxious turmoil where I feel like I am going to shatter over the smallest thing. I'd rather be in the mind set to break things, like throw chairs or dishes or phones at the wall, rather than feeling like I'm the one that's going to be broken.

Anyways... Sorry about the life story... I guess I got carried away, thinking about how my high school career went.

 

[saffy]

I get very passionate about things too. But if someone laughs at something I do, like you said in a mocking way, I try to laugh it off and accept that they obviously do not have a valid argument due to their lack of understanding and so they make light of things and joke around instead.

I try now to find things more light hearted or just think oh well if that is the way they think it is quite sad on their part. I can hold my head up high knowing that I have kept my integrity. I think also that when people do 'mock' they do not realise the impact it can have, especially if the person is already anxious and protecting themselves.

I find that I do not want to waste energy being angry about something I cannot control or cannot change. I hve better things to do than waste time and energy getting angry and frustrated over things that they seem to think things are trivial or a bit of a laugh but I feel passionate about. I still feel passionate about it, they cannot take that away, but I do not waste time and make myself suffer throug anger over others anymore. Hope that makes sense.

I hate feeling angry and frustrated and anxious so I try my best to avoid these feelings by trying to understand more why they do this, what is wrong with then to do this.

That said I have grown now and now I can have control over how I feel about what others do or say to me, not by shutting them up but walking away with my head up high with honesty and integrity.

I think we all go through a lot of stages when growing, learning all the time about others behaviours and attitudes and this can be a challenge but even more so when faced with such demons of our own. Not only have we to figure out what we are feeling and what to do we are also trying to figure out what others are feeling and doing. It can be very hard when there is so much going on in our heads in regards to our trust about people and trust about ourselves and whether our emotions are rational and we are doing the right thing.

I hope that all makes sense. :)

Sorry it took a while to write back. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[sharky]

No, I know exactly what you are talking about. :) I have been reading this "the Assertiveness Workbook" and it's been really showing me that point of 'do not attack in response, be rational and if you have to - walk away' essentially. To express how you feel, but not to attack the other person. And with my boyfriend's sister, when I had sent her that first message back I did that. I expressed how I felt, which I had to write out because I don't think I would have done so well in person, but that's another suggestion the book makes. At first when you have trouble, then write it out first. :) I have already applied that book to my life before, and it turned out very very well. I've been utilizing this book for about a month or two.

But obviously, there is still a lot that I need to make habit. Like the thought that "I cannot control what others think, feel, or do. And they cannot do the same to me. Only I am in charge of what I think, do, or feel." So, for example, if someone convinces me into doing something I don't want to do... That's something I can change. It makes relationships tense, because they might be used to me being aggressive, passive, or passive-aggressive. But it's something I can change, to make myself assertive. To have control over just myself.

It's still a really difficult obstacle for me, and there's still so much that I need to work on. I haven't even got halfway through the book! And even though lately things have been really down, I just need to remind myself that I am actually doing /better/.

Also, it's really good for me, since I do not have a therapist, that I am working on this book. I got the stress reduction workbook as well but it was a little bit too much for me at the time. And all the other books I have that are PTSD related are PTSD information books. So, this is the first workbook that I have actually used. And it's been really helping a lot. I think for other people out there who do not have access to a good T, should find books like these. I have already learned a lot... And my boyfriend is working on it with me and he's doing better with being assertive too!

Anyways, sorry to sound like an advertisement for that book... lol. It's just a really good book that I am learning from, and I actually kind of forgot about it for almost two weeks. I remembered it earlier today and started to feel a lot better. :)