Sibling Rivalry – What Is Normal?

[ninja]

I have a brother who is six years older than me. He has always been a lot larger and stronger, physically. I think I dealt with the things he did by telling myself that they were normal. I know I got that message from my brother as well as both of my parents. However, neither of my parents really knew what went on when they weren't around.

My mom says she felt protective of me because my brother did not seem to be able to modulate the intensity of his emotions. She attributed it to his age.

Things got a bit more complex as we all got older and there are certainly things that, when I'm in my right mind, I can see are definitely not normal. It did take me awhile to get to this point; I spent a long time convinced that none of it had affected me, or rather, it was normal so I shouldn't have been affected by it. This is a theme, as I struggle with feeling as though I do not have a right to feel my emotions.

I'm finding that as I open up to my T, there are other memories that I am having trouble with. I find myself trying to believe that because these newer "memories" aren't as bad as some of the others, they are normal. This would be things like being pushed down the stairs, being pushed up against the railing at the top of the stairs and him half starting to lift me over, while he was laughing... "joking". These "memories" are foggy and I feel a strong sense of disgust with myself for even considering that they might be trying to convey the truth.

I have a very good friend who told me that "normal" sibling rivalry is mutual. I fought back, but our size difference did make it a bit more complicated. I feel like I'm making a big deal out of something that every sibling goes through.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated. :)

 

[Nebulustrix]

I have found that an important question to ask ourselves is whether or not the experiences we go through are healthy, as opposed to asking if they are normal. While there's nothing wrong with wanting to know if others typically experience the same things we do, normal and healthy are not always synonymous, and healthy is what really matters.

Just from what you've described, and I'm guessing that wasn't anything near the worst of it, I'd say your sibling rivalry was not healthy. It sounds more like your brother uses his strength and size to terrorize and control you. In a healthy sibling relationship, any rivalries would not be so damaging and scarring as the experiences you went through. You would have arguments and disagreements, certainly. But you'd be able to work through those problems without destroying your relationship with each other.

You are doing well to be seeing a therapist and talking through these issues. I do want to express my concern, if things like this are still happening, for your safety, and urge you to have a plan in place to protect yourself and escape from potential harm. I hope it is still possible for you to rectify your relationship, but it is even more important that you keep yourself safe, even if you have to seek sanctity outside your home.

 

[Abstract]

I feel a strong sense of disgust with myself for even considering that they might be trying to convey

Ninja,
I do this to myself all the time too. I hope you can find a way to stop invalidating your feelings and just listen to and process them.

I am 5/6 years older than my siblings, a younger brother and sister, and was always very aware of the huge discrepancy in size and I am a female. My little brother had a bit of temper and I would hold him at arms length so as not to harm him whilst protecting myself.

Throwing a younger child down the stairs or threatening them with throwing them over the stairs railing is not acceptance behaviour at all. When sibling conflict gets to this point then it is up to the parents to deal with it and protect the child on the receiving end. Unfortunately sometimes they don't know and other times they are not able to parent properly or have issues which mean they don't.

I know other things happened to you at his hands too and one thing I am starting to suspect is that when there have been situations where more harm has been done or invasive behaviour has incurred that it makes the other things even more damaging than they would have been in and of themselves. It sounds like you were constantly being terrorised and by someone much older, larger and stronger.

My sister and brother were a year apart and fought quite a lot and that involved pushing and shoving etc. Sometimes more damage was done as a mistake rather than it being intended. My brother knocked my sisters tooth out. Neither of them have been harmed by it.

On the other hand my little niece and nephew have a different story. She is two years older but he is larger than she is and monstrously strong and without any idea of his strength whilst she is quiet and gentle. Their mother did nothing to protect her and she would constantly be terrorised and unable to stand her own against him. Age 5 she has been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder and had various other symptoms of distress such as hair loss and what looked to me to be depressive symptoms. Thankfully she is being treated and even her schooling has been adjusted to deal with the dissociation. I think it is this pervasive sense of not being safe and being targeted that leaves the vulnerable one terrorised and potentially damaged. This is what it sounds like you were on the receiving end of but over many years and with the behaviours getting to extreme lengths.

Sorry to be longwinded. I am not sure if I conveyed what I meant to. Your situation with your brother was not normal sibling rivalry.

 

[ninja]

@Nebulustrix and @Abstract I want to thank you both so much for your replies. :) I'm very grateful for your perspectives and for taking the time to help me see other ways to look at "this". I plan to come back and answer, but I am short on time at the moment (thank you exam week!!). Fortunately, my brother and I live six hours away from each other and I do not have to see him! This seems to be the best arrangement for me at this point.

 

[therisa]

Ninja, I am almost 2 and 2/3 years older than my brother, and we fought constantly, to the point, my grandma said,"She has never seen two kids fight, as much as, we did. And this occurred, when I was about 8 years old. Sadly, I usually came out on the losing and would be punished as the aggressor when the opposite was true. And yes, he did tried to kill me, several times. For my own protection, I have moved faraway from me, and have told my mom, "I will not be, in the same building, as he is".

I understand, the physical violence, which you have suffered, Ninja, and wish, no one has to suffer, like we have.

 

[Abstract]

@Ninja,
You are very brave to discuss it.

Essentially you had your life threatened in these incidences. That is truly frightening for anyone let alone a child. Just because the aggressor was another child doesn't change any of that. How would we see a work colleague pushing another down a flight of stairs? Or a husband doing so to his wife? How is the experience less frightening for a child when the one doing the pushing is another child?

I look at my little niece and nephew and what strikes me so deeply is the realisation of the harm that something can do when there was not even intent or true victimisation (my nephew was 3 or 4 and didn't intend to harm).

So many things can add to that harm. Time exposed, the severity level the experiences get to, age and awareness of the aggressor, intent and more. A child 5 years older than the other child or a child with awareness and the intent to cause harm and aggress is purposely victimising the other child.

Even verbal victimisation of one child by the other can cause a lot of harm. The interesting thing about the term sibling rivalry is the implied whitewashing of behaviour that is potentially or/and effect. If the behaviour is done outside the home then somehow people see it as a different thing - as bullying or worse. Something happening at home means there is no escape from it.

Even the term bullying is a little like that. By having a term the actual behaviour and experiences sometimes seem to be ignored.

 

[ninja]

Thank you to everyone. :hug:

@Nebulustrix I am struck deeply by the distinction you made between normal and healthy. I think what sometimes confuses me is the normality of my situation, particularly when I was little. Normal for me, but not healthy, nor safe. I know that I often have a tendency to get lost in the feeling that it wasn't me or isn't real because the intensity (of the denial or dissociation I suppose) feels so real, if that even makes sense? :confused: Regardless, the distinction you depicted was extremely grounding for me, and I think I will try to continue to use it when I begin feeling a little less present.

@therisa I am so sorry that you had to go through this, and get blamed on top of it. :( It is really confusing to try to learn how to trust people and our environments when a place so important, such as the home, is not the safe haven it should be. It feels very easy to get lost.

 

[Britt.f7]

My sister and I have a love hate relationship. Right now it is at love. It could quickly turn to hate. I'm sure my behavior wasn't normal or healthy when I was a kid. I'm the oldest. I do know I use to tell her she would have to sleep sometime, though I never did anything. I can say that was in retaliation to having let her beat me up or get beat by mom. Sometime's both. Funny, not in a ha ha way, I am a very non violent person, but remembering back to then I remember really wanting to beat her.

I do know my mom's sister went after her with a steak knife.

I've watched my boys closely and I have seen the oldest get aggressive with the youngest. I didn't just stand by and I never took sides if I didn't see something happen. They are in their teens now and do not fight. I'm so glad they grew out of it. At least I hope they did. They horse around now and I have to remind the oldest that he is stronger then he realizes since the youngest will not show that he is being hurt. He just laughs. Makes me crazy.

The antics of your older brother does not seem normal or healthy.

 

[therisa]

@therisa I am so sorry that you had to go through this, and get blamed on top of it. :( It is really confusing to try to learn how to trust people and our environments when a place so important, such as the home, is not the safe haven it should be. It feels very easy to get lost.

Ninja, this is part of the reason, I am very distrustful of people and those, in authority. There are days, which I wished my brother had died, as a premmie, thus sparing me, from this toxic environment that I grew up, in.

 

[ninja]

I just want to say that I am very thankful for all of your responses. I have been thinking about them a lot, but am having a hard time finding the clarity and words to express those thoughts. :confused: Going to keep working on it...

 

[therisa]

Ninja, take your time and reflect, for everyone has a different definition for the question, which you have asked us.

 

[ninja]

This thread is so hard to come back to! Ridiculous. :wacky: It has also been astronomically helpful. I've realized that it is quite easy for me to get lost in the memories, without engaging myself or my emotions. I hope that makes sense. It is very rare that I re-live any of the experiences because I always feel as though I'm watching it happen to another person, so I don't feel anything. I've apparently caught myself in a bind in this thread because I am certainly feeling many things!

@Abstract The invalidation is a beast, isn't it? I don't think you were long-winded at all, rather the opposite: concise and perceptive. It helps me to hear about others' experiences. Thank you. :)

I am starting to suspect is that when there have been situations where more harm has been done or invasive behaviour has incurred that it makes the other things even more damaging than they would have been in and of themselves.

The interesting thing about the term sibling rivalry is the implied whitewashing of behaviour that is potentially or/and effect.

I think you hit the nail on the head here.. and this is exactly what I find myself getting caught up in. I feel I might've been able to "handle" most of the incidents if they had occurred in isolation from the others. I use this against myself, and as ridiculous as it might sound now, I question how the summation of the incidents can change the outcome... even though summation does have an affect on the resulting magnitude.

I am glad to hear that neither of your siblings were affected by each other in that way. It sounds like you did a very good job advocating and protecting yourself while also keeping your brother safe. This is not easy!

Thankfully she is being treated and even her schooling has been adjusted to deal with the dissociation.

I am sorry this happened to her but happy that she is getting treatment. I hope that her mother has begun to step in more?

I look at my little niece and nephew and what strikes me so deeply is the realisation of the harm that something can do when there was not even intent or true victimisation (my nephew was 3 or 4 and didn't intend to harm).

I agree. This is a very important and profound realization. Will keep thinking.