Anyone else ever done this? How do you face your T after? Please bear with me if this is jumbled up and hard to follow in some places.
It wasn't my T's fault at all for this last therapy session going south, but nevertheless it went bad. I told my T about how I had been out of it (dissociating) all week, and it was going semi ok up until that point even though I was so anxious and scared. I went into that appointment feeling very suicidal knowing what decision I was about to make later that evening. Side note: I knew my abuser had taken photos/video a few weeks ago and I was very, very afraid of that. Reason being, in my job image is EVERYTHING. I couldn't risk letting these pictures/video get out. So my abuser told me that if I wanted to get rid of them and for him to leave me alone in the future I had to come see him the next two nights.
Back to where I was going with this. I went into my therapy session knowing that later that night I would most likely be sexually abused and beaten. I was terrified that my T would somehow see something was seriously wrong. During our session I asked if she could get me an ice pack (which helps to ground me) and when she left the room I literally ran out of her office. I was so afraid, I started getting emotional (which still feels unsafe for me to be in front of her right now), and I felt I had to escape. I ran and when she called me to find out what happened I ignored her calls, I didn't want to talk to her because I knew I would break down and tell her the situation I was about to put myself in.
I know most of you would tell me that I should have gone to the police with this and let them handle it, but I've done that and the police have told me several things in the several different times I sought help from them. "There isn't enough evidence", "He only likes little girls", or straight up "You're lying". So I had to handle this myself. I went and when it was going on I just went to my "safe place" in my mind. However, I know have a broken foot and more garbage to deal with.
I attempted suicide that night, obviously it didn't go as planned because I'm writing here. But my T knows that I made an attempt. I just got off the phone with her, told her what happened with the abuser. I'm not sure how to take our conversation though... She asked where do I want to go from here? She asked if I felt like she was even helping me... To me this is devastating, my greatest fear is being tossed aside right now when I feel like I've found a T who I can work with. I've also had a hard time up until this point talking to her about the abuse because I fear saying the wrong thing or sounding stupid. After our conversation on the phone I feel like I've done just that, that I've said the wrong thing and ruined this. She wants me to seriously think about whether or not I want to keep our next few appointments.
I don't know if I can face her after running out of her office. I don't know if I can face her after our latest conversation... I need someone's input. Please. Have any of you experienced this? What do I do? Do you think she is really trying to get rid of me, or am I completely taking this the wrong way? Have any of you ever run out of your T's office?
It wasn't my T's fault at all for this last therapy session going south, but nevertheless it went bad. I told my T about how I had been out of it (dissociating) all week, and it was going semi ok up until that point even though I was so anxious and scared. I went into that appointment feeling very suicidal knowing what decision I was about to make later that evening. Side note: I knew my abuser had taken photos/video a few weeks ago and I was very, very afraid of that. Reason being, in my job image is EVERYTHING. I couldn't risk letting these pictures/video get out. So my abuser told me that if I wanted to get rid of them and for him to leave me alone in the future I had to come see him the next two nights.
Back to where I was going with this. I went into my therapy session knowing that later that night I would most likely be sexually abused and beaten. I was terrified that my T would somehow see something was seriously wrong. During our session I asked if she could get me an ice pack (which helps to ground me) and when she left the room I literally ran out of her office. I was so afraid, I started getting emotional (which still feels unsafe for me to be in front of her right now), and I felt I had to escape. I ran and when she called me to find out what happened I ignored her calls, I didn't want to talk to her because I knew I would break down and tell her the situation I was about to put myself in.
I know most of you would tell me that I should have gone to the police with this and let them handle it, but I've done that and the police have told me several things in the several different times I sought help from them. "There isn't enough evidence", "He only likes little girls", or straight up "You're lying". So I had to handle this myself. I went and when it was going on I just went to my "safe place" in my mind. However, I know have a broken foot and more garbage to deal with.
I attempted suicide that night, obviously it didn't go as planned because I'm writing here. But my T knows that I made an attempt. I just got off the phone with her, told her what happened with the abuser. I'm not sure how to take our conversation though... She asked where do I want to go from here? She asked if I felt like she was even helping me... To me this is devastating, my greatest fear is being tossed aside right now when I feel like I've found a T who I can work with. I've also had a hard time up until this point talking to her about the abuse because I fear saying the wrong thing or sounding stupid. After our conversation on the phone I feel like I've done just that, that I've said the wrong thing and ruined this. She wants me to seriously think about whether or not I want to keep our next few appointments.
I don't know if I can face her after running out of her office. I don't know if I can face her after our latest conversation... I need someone's input. Please. Have any of you experienced this? What do I do? Do you think she is really trying to get rid of me, or am I completely taking this the wrong way? Have any of you ever run out of your T's office?
