Bad Therapy Session And Bad Last Few Days

[mytai]

If I drank I would @therapybankrupt . I didn't look at the pictures/video before I destroyed it. Would you have wanted to see photos if you had them? Is it weird that I didn't want to see what I was destroying?

 

[Footie freak]

Well done mytai..... You deserve a medal just for your sheer bravery and determination in getting the video/pictures..... Now, can you use that strength you have shown to continue with your therapist. The therapist will not give up on you.... You can only give up on the therapist (if that makes sense) - I can talk from experience here, as I have felt those similar feelings and thoughts, and yes I have almost run away, only to find myself cowering in a corner of the room behind a chair scared out of my wits. Keep to your appointments, tell the therapist what you want to talk about - its your session. Be open and totally honest, that way you will get the help and respect from your therapist and the relationship will be so much easier. Stay strong and safe.

 

[mytai]

I don't know if there was much bravery involved @Footie freak , more like stupidity.. fear... other emotions that I don't know how to identify.

The therapist will not give up on you.... You can only give up on the therapist

I've had therapists give up on me before, so that's why I'm afraid of that.

I'm scared of opening up to her a whole lot, not because of anything she is done, but because I'm scared of what I will do. I'm scared of being vulnerable in front of her, I'm scared of dissociating so badly that I don't come out of it before the end of our session, I'm absolutely terrified of having a flashback in front of her because sometimes I literally hide during them, I'm scared of breaking down and crying... Do any of you have fears like that? How do you deal with them?

 

[Footie freak]

Maybe, but if you we're not brave you would not have had the strength to think about what you were going to do, let alone do it. Right, if I said to you, that what you described is how I used to feel in my therapy sessions you probably would not believe me, so to explain, I was scared of opening up to my therapist, being vulnerable, having flashbacks and dissociating etc etc etc.

I told her, quite openly that I had issues with the above, because of my trauma, the guilt I felt, (and still do) and what I saw. She explained that I had built my very own wall around myself, in order to protect me, and it was time to remove it brick by brick. She made me draw a picture of myself surrounded by a brick wall, each brick with a feeling written on..... Session by session we attack those feelings/ bricks.

I am now able to show a little emotion during the sessions, still got a long way to go, and my biggest fear is to cry in front of her and not stop. She assures me that will not be the case. So if I can do it, you can to. As the saying goes, it's the strong ones that are affected, the weak just run away!!!

 

[Rumors]

I'm scared of opening up to her a whole lot, not because of anything she is done, but because I'm scared of what I will do. I'm scared of being vulnerable in front of her, I'm scared of dissociating so badly that I don't come out of it before the end of our session, I'm absolutely terrified of having a flashback in front of her because sometimes I literally hide during them, I'm scared of breaking down and crying... Do any of you have fears like that? How do you deal with them?

Yes! Lots of fears like that! Please consider sharing your posts here with your T. Then let her know you need help. Nothing wrong with that! You are incredibly brave! I can't imagine having to go thru that, however don't beat yourself up. You did what you knew how to do at the time. Let your T help you from here.
Best wishes!!!

 

[mytai]

@Footie freak I think I share one of your greatest fears, which is to cry in front of my T. I'm terrified to cry in front of her, I came close a few times but I just shut the world out so I didn't.

@Rumors I'm thinking about maybe writing a journal of sorts to get out the hard things so she knows what is going on in my head so we can talk about it. Right now I find it easy to answer questions if she knows a bit of the back story rather than speaking about it straight up.

I still haven't heard back from my T yet about the email I sent her. Not sure if she will answer at all, getting super anxious about it.

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster right now. One moment I have feelings (good and bad), then the next second I'm shutting down and shutting out everything because I feel suicidal. That's how I'm feeling at the moment. I don't think I will make an attempt again like the other night, but I'm still having very strong feelings.

I won't tell my T this next thing, because I don't want her to feel like I'm trying to manipulate her - that's not my intention at all, thus why I won't tell her this. But if she gives up on me, thinks I'm too much, and she's the only T I've had a connection with in 10 years... I don't think I can manage in this world. I would give up on myself. Is this completely ridiculous?

 

[Rumors]

I don't think it's ridiculous, however I think it is dangerous. I think it is, in fact, something you should tell your therapist.

There are times in life that I think you just have to depend on someone and tell them exactly what is going on and how you feel. This is one of them. If this T doesn't work out, there are others. The biggest thing is you can't give up! I don't think she will see it as a form of manipulation, but a gauge as to where you are and what you are thinking.

Hang in there!

 

[mytai]

@Rumors The reason I say that and feel that is because in 10 years of trying different T's she is the first one that I actually connect with. I don't know if that is something I could share with her, because to me personally that would feel like manipulation. I don't have a strong support system, or really one at all outside of her office. It's just me, this forum, and my T. I'm scared to do or say something to ruin it.

 

[Rumors]

I guess here is the thing, if you tell her that and it ruins it, she wasn't much to begin with. I promise. That is not any earth shattering revelation to them. They have heard it before. I have even said the same thing in so many words. They don't leave because of that. They help you find some strength to face the difficult stuff and help you learn how to be a stronger self through these times. I assure you that she has heard it before!! It isn't manipulation, it is simply the way you feel right now. It is ok for you to feel dependent on her. That, too, is normal.

Just my humble opinion! Hang in there! You are on the right track talking about it. ;)

 

[Britt.f7]

It blows my mind thinking that a therapist would drop you. I guess you are right, I've heard of that happening, but I really don't believe, or I will be very surprised, that she will drop you. I always think that the one person you have to be you with is your therapist, warts and all. How else do you get better?

 

[mytai]

It is ok for you to feel dependent on her.

This is a hard thing for me. To feel dependent on someone. I don't depend on anyone because it leads to hurt, and I have enough hurt in my life without allowing others the opportunity to cause more. So I guess for me to admit that there is a bit of dependency there is to give someone power to hurt me, and that is terrifying for me.

It blows my mind thinking that a therapist would drop you. I guess you are right, I've heard of that happening, but I really don't believe, or I will be very surprised, that she will drop you. I always think that the one person you have to be you with is your therapist, warts and all. How else do you get better?

@Britt.f7 it blew my mind too when it happened. After it happened I stopped going to therapy for years, I refused to go and find someone new because of the risk of it happening again. I agree with you that they should be the one person you are completely yourself with... but I don't know who that is with me. I don't know who I am completely. I've lived this exterior front for so long to make people believe that I'm "normal" and fine that I don't even really know who I am as a person. I know inside that I'm constantly scared and nervous, and so many other jumbled feelings that I can't separate them.

I'm scared of letting go in therapy sessions because of what I might say or do. When I say letting go I mean taking down the wall, letting myself be emotional, etc.

 

[Britt.f7]

That is how a therapy session should be, or you should feel that you can, even when you can't. I've been fortunate in my therapists over the years. Though I guess there was one who didn't take me back as a client, come to think of it. I had moved and then moved back. Just as well, now looking back.

You can do this. It just takes time and trust.