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Bad Therapy Session And Bad Last Few Days
- Post starter mytai
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DharmaGirl
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Well said, therapybankrupt. I am in my third year of therapy and learning to set boundaries. I don't compare myself to others since we are all different. Our trauma is different, when it happened is different, how many times it happened is different, how many times we were re-traumatized is different, and of course the age we found out we had it. This is not a race. A person with 1 single trauma can have PTSD, a person with a lifetime of trauma can have it too.
- Post starter
- #51
@Rumors I wrote that letter. It turned out to be 3 pages long. I wrote about why I have trouble communicating verbally with her, what I'm scared of in therapy (crying, having full-blown flashbacks, etc), why I function at work but not in my personal life, my fear of letting go and taking down my protective walls, why I ran away from my session with her on Wednesday, and what happened Wednesday and Thursday night with this family member. At least what I allowed myself to remember.
I'm terrified of watching her read it Wednesday. I am fearful of what will happen. I wrote a lot. I laid out a lot. Now for the waiting game.
I'm terrified of watching her read it Wednesday. I am fearful of what will happen. I wrote a lot. I laid out a lot. Now for the waiting game.
Perhaps you could ask her if you can sit in the waiting room while she reads it? Or, take your iPad, phone, whatever and play some games while she reads it. You could also take a book and read it. Anything that keeps you from sitting there watching her read! Been there, done that. I have to get up and walk around. I have actually thought about leaving myself so I completely understand the feeling! I made an agreement early on when I felt like I couldn't say anymore, I would just ask if we could be done for the day.
How proud of yourself are you right now? Gee whiz! That is quite an accomplishment! I can tell you that with every note I have written I have been met with complete compassion and understanding. I don't do verbal communication well AT ALL! It is the worst for me and when I feel like I can't talk about it the anxiety then makes me crazy. The anticipation of trying to figure out what my T's reaction will be and how I will respond. Will his questions or responses tip me over the edge? I can't do over the edge! Cry? Uh, hell no! The worst part of vulnerability is not knowing what will happen if you lay it all out there. The best part of vulnerability is when you finally have someone who honors that emotion and validates its importance.
In some ways, you have put it all out there before but just not with the right people. They didn't honor or respect you, therefore you are left feeling like no one will. This journey is as much about learning to make good choices in trusted friends as it is about learning coping skills. As you travel down this road, you begin to see the unhealthy relationships you have been in and understand why they are unhealthy. You begin to seek out healthier relationships which bring more stability in your circle. I never knew these things. No one ever taught me boundaries or healthy relationships. My parents were awesome, however they never had healthy relationships either! They loved me to the moon and back, but weren't really healthy themselves. So, now I embark on a journey to learn those boundaries and learn how to have healthy relationships so that, by some chance, I won't pass along to my son the bad things I have learned! Every therapy appointment I struggle thru, I keep in mind I am doing it for him so that I can be a better mom!
Once again, YOU HAVE GOT THIS! The hard part is done. You wrote it down. Stay busy and try and surround yourself with positive friends this week, not users. You won't have a lot of extra emotional energy to spend on a needy person! Take good care of yourself!
How proud of yourself are you right now? Gee whiz! That is quite an accomplishment! I can tell you that with every note I have written I have been met with complete compassion and understanding. I don't do verbal communication well AT ALL! It is the worst for me and when I feel like I can't talk about it the anxiety then makes me crazy. The anticipation of trying to figure out what my T's reaction will be and how I will respond. Will his questions or responses tip me over the edge? I can't do over the edge! Cry? Uh, hell no! The worst part of vulnerability is not knowing what will happen if you lay it all out there. The best part of vulnerability is when you finally have someone who honors that emotion and validates its importance.
In some ways, you have put it all out there before but just not with the right people. They didn't honor or respect you, therefore you are left feeling like no one will. This journey is as much about learning to make good choices in trusted friends as it is about learning coping skills. As you travel down this road, you begin to see the unhealthy relationships you have been in and understand why they are unhealthy. You begin to seek out healthier relationships which bring more stability in your circle. I never knew these things. No one ever taught me boundaries or healthy relationships. My parents were awesome, however they never had healthy relationships either! They loved me to the moon and back, but weren't really healthy themselves. So, now I embark on a journey to learn those boundaries and learn how to have healthy relationships so that, by some chance, I won't pass along to my son the bad things I have learned! Every therapy appointment I struggle thru, I keep in mind I am doing it for him so that I can be a better mom!
Once again, YOU HAVE GOT THIS! The hard part is done. You wrote it down. Stay busy and try and surround yourself with positive friends this week, not users. You won't have a lot of extra emotional energy to spend on a needy person! Take good care of yourself!
- Post starter
- #53
@Rumors There's no waiting room because she runs her private practice out of her house. But I will bring something to distract myself for sure... maybe my tangle. Have you seen one of those before? They are plastic pieces that snap together to make one continuous chain that twists. It is one of my grounding tools, but I forgot to bring it with me last week.
Thankfully I have a job that keeps me incredibly busy, no extra time really to think about things - but somehow I manage to squeeze anxiety into my busy schedule.
Thanks Rumors.
This, this is probably the BEST description of how I feel. I trouble identifying how I feel most of the time, and it's like you know exactly what is going on in my head this week.
Thankfully I have a job that keeps me incredibly busy, no extra time really to think about things - but somehow I manage to squeeze anxiety into my busy schedule.
Thanks Rumors.
HA! I am the same way! Somehow anxiety can creep into the busiest of days and I just wanted to take a baseball bat to its head!
Vulnerability is really a scary place for me because if I feel an inkling of rejection, it must mean I am not worthy. I automatically go back to, "why would anyone waste their time on helping me?" "I shouldn't be so weak." "I should just get over it!" "I must be narcissistic for spending time thinking about myself and nobody likes someone who makes it all about them." Well, let me just say that therapy is one place where it IS about you. It's not a very comfortable feeling for those of us who try and stay 'under the radar' so to speak. I don't want anyone to put a spotlight on me for fear they will see how extremely unlovable I really am. Going to therapy is all about breaking those cycles of thinking and finding that happy medium where you can be YOU and not feel shame or guilt for it. This, for you, is step one in your journey. You are really going to make that effort to take down that wall and let someone see you for the first time. It is scary as hell and you will have moment of terror combined with this feeling like you have just chunked an elephant off your chest. You are doing it in an appropriate scenario and should not feel any guilt for sharing your stories. It may be hard, but brick by brick, you will find the strength.
Keep sharing. I think we live somewhat parallel lives in emotions. It is nice to have someone to bounce stuff off of who you feel understands the journey. Thanks for listening and sharing!
Vulnerability is really a scary place for me because if I feel an inkling of rejection, it must mean I am not worthy. I automatically go back to, "why would anyone waste their time on helping me?" "I shouldn't be so weak." "I should just get over it!" "I must be narcissistic for spending time thinking about myself and nobody likes someone who makes it all about them." Well, let me just say that therapy is one place where it IS about you. It's not a very comfortable feeling for those of us who try and stay 'under the radar' so to speak. I don't want anyone to put a spotlight on me for fear they will see how extremely unlovable I really am. Going to therapy is all about breaking those cycles of thinking and finding that happy medium where you can be YOU and not feel shame or guilt for it. This, for you, is step one in your journey. You are really going to make that effort to take down that wall and let someone see you for the first time. It is scary as hell and you will have moment of terror combined with this feeling like you have just chunked an elephant off your chest. You are doing it in an appropriate scenario and should not feel any guilt for sharing your stories. It may be hard, but brick by brick, you will find the strength.
Keep sharing. I think we live somewhat parallel lives in emotions. It is nice to have someone to bounce stuff off of who you feel understands the journey. Thanks for listening and sharing!
- Post starter
- #55
@Rumors Yes it can. Even today it managed to creep in. I worked a 13 hour day and still managed to have time to be anxious about Wednesday. I have a 14 hour work day tomorrow, but I'm sure anxiety will weasel its way in.
I feel the same way with being vulnerable. It is a very easy state for trust and progress to be destroyed with me.
I feel the same way with being vulnerable. It is a very easy state for trust and progress to be destroyed with me.
It is very nice to have that. I agree, it feels like you know exactly what I'm going through because you are dealing with it to. Thanks for being supportive, hope I can do the same for you.
digger
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Sending you strength for tomorrow.
- Post starter
- #57
@digger1 Thank you, I really need it. Emotionally feeling exhausted all ready, physically too. Running off of little sleep right now. But I have the letter, I just have to give it to my T to read, and stay inside her office. Those are my two goals for tomorrow: hand her the letter, and stay in her office (physically)... whether or not I will be able to stay present in my mind is going to be a challenge. We will see how well I utilize my grounding techniques.
- Post starter
- #59
@Rumors I did it, I went to the appointment with my T. I didn't die, although I felt like I was. My anxiety was through the roof, I felt like my chest was going to explode, and I couldn't keep my hands from shaking. My T started by going over the email I sent her and trying to get me to talk, that failed miserably - I couldn't say a word, I was too scared to hand her my letter. We sat in silence for a bit, then my T asked me another question which is when I finally put the letter on the table for her. She read the letter, during that time I started "floating away" (which is how my T puts it).
My T broke down each section of my letter and covered it. She addressed my fears of being tossed aside, asked me about how I was burned by other T's. Reassured me that she will be capable of dealing with my stuff - that she was trained at one of the best trauma schools in the states. Basically she provided me with a lot of confidence that she won't be in a situation with me that she can't handle. So that helps reduce some anxiety. She addressed my inability to find my voice during difficult topics, told about how another one of her clients handles that (using an iPad). Then she addressed my fear of crying and being vulnerable in front of her. She told me the first step to knowing I'm safe and that I can trust her is by making eye contact with her, to look up. That almost made me cry, not sure why. My T told me how she has one client who needs to sit on the mat across from the T and they just look at each other, another one needs to hold the T's hand.
My T asked if I do the same "preservation" technique I use during abuse in her office, which I don't. Making eye contact seems so unobtainable, sometimes just making eye contact causes me to cry. I'm usually willing to try everything at least once, but this is scary for me. I don't know how to over come that.
I'm glad that I went today, it helped a lot of fears I had, and helped with my confidence in my T. I just don't know what to do next, I'm afraid.
My T broke down each section of my letter and covered it. She addressed my fears of being tossed aside, asked me about how I was burned by other T's. Reassured me that she will be capable of dealing with my stuff - that she was trained at one of the best trauma schools in the states. Basically she provided me with a lot of confidence that she won't be in a situation with me that she can't handle. So that helps reduce some anxiety. She addressed my inability to find my voice during difficult topics, told about how another one of her clients handles that (using an iPad). Then she addressed my fear of crying and being vulnerable in front of her. She told me the first step to knowing I'm safe and that I can trust her is by making eye contact with her, to look up. That almost made me cry, not sure why. My T told me how she has one client who needs to sit on the mat across from the T and they just look at each other, another one needs to hold the T's hand.
My T asked if I do the same "preservation" technique I use during abuse in her office, which I don't. Making eye contact seems so unobtainable, sometimes just making eye contact causes me to cry. I'm usually willing to try everything at least once, but this is scary for me. I don't know how to over come that.
I'm glad that I went today, it helped a lot of fears I had, and helped with my confidence in my T. I just don't know what to do next, I'm afraid.
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- #60
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