Finding Thoughts About Suicidal Ideation Comforting?

[Hashi]

I agree with Maddog. I think it's understandable that fantasising about it is comforting. Depression is characterised by feeling there's no end to it and nothing we can do. If we thought that we could recover from the depression in six months or a year, we'd be able to bear it better. I think it's similar - feeling that there's an option to stop it, means feeling able to keep going for a little longer.

For me, there's an added aspect that it's a relief to fantasise about what isn't and can't be. It's a temporary escape even though escape isn't actually possible. It gives me a short break. I've comforted myself in this way for as long as I can remember, fantasising about the situation being different, to the point where I can effectively change my reality for a while. Obviously, this has complications in terms of derealisation and dissociation, but the positive side is being able to find relief when there isn't any.

Like Barberian, I have too much dread of what would lie on the other side to ever be able to commit suicide. For me, the reasons are different. Not religious, but the effect is the same. No other reason could keep me here. I'm not bonded enough to anyone or anything to care, and other people's concern or support doesn't mean that much. I have no positive reason for staying. I'm just trapped. So my suicidal ideation is like a starving prisoner fantasising about food.

I'm confused by the Lullaby song in relation to this topic. From the lyrics WillyKat posted, it seems to be about someone else understanding, caring and supporting. I can see some people would find that comforting, but I think it's a different sort of comfort. I think the relief in ideation is from "following through" (but only in imagination).

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

personally I think it's quite normal and understandable that thoughts of suicide and/or death will hold comfort and reassurance at certain times. Death is, afterall, some form of cessation of pain and suffering, and for those of us who have endured extreme and often chronic pain and suffering, it is logical to think that any promise of that ending will, at times, seem like an attractive option.

Yours isn't controversial in my mind @maddog but spot on! That is perfectly what I meant and was afraid to say or start out with in the first post. I think I was hoping someone else would say it. :unsure:

It's what I call the "safety net" concept

Yes.

Obviously this is a fine line, and it is the intensity of the thoughts, their impact on your functioning and what you ultimately do about them that matters, and determines whether or not they are a recurrent mental symptom of suffering or an imminently dangerous threat.

I enjoy this quote a lot but need to think about it for a day or two.

fantasising about the situation being different, to the point where I can effectively change my reality for a while.

Really?! I do that too. Probably way to much to be honest. But it's an escape and one I have been using for about 10 years.

I can see some people would find that comforting, but I think it's a different sort of comfort.

Yeah it is. And you are right, the song is not completely on topic. It is a comforting song, not one about committing suicide but more about someone else worried about someone who may do it. There are much more...straight forward songs about someone committing suicide. 'Whiskey Lullaby' or 'Getting away with Murder' (in my mind) are examples, but I found that song helpful and I wanted to listen to it to when depressed and I thought a song that was a bit more positive and was a better alternative. That song is usually in my digging out of the depression phase rather then the falling into it point.

If any of that makes sense @Hashi please let me know. :sorry:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

The thoughts get worse late at night.

Today, the day is starting out okay. I am very much aware these past few weeks that each day I feel okay and functional is a gift.

I expect to crash at some point as statically I should. My mood isn't as stable as it is during the summer months and I know that sometimes my thoughts turn to the comfort of my more morbid thoughts. And those feel so familiar and normal.

I try to pull away from them and I try not to think of them but my mind goes there anyway. I just don't have so much energy to fight them so much. I don't have that much energy period. So I don't fight them and I have found that they will leave for long periods of time. Then, I will use my energy elsewhere with more happy things.

 

[gone]

Depression is characterised by feeling there's no end to it and nothing we can do.

I've had intense suicidal ideation since my diagnosis six months ago. And it is a great source of comfort to me. I think that's because at times it's the only thing that makes me feel even a tiny bit in control. Even when I'm pretty clear I don't want to do it, I feel more relaxed thinking obsessively about it (ah, paradox).

 

[Alic3]

Oh my god, that song made me burst in to tears after it said "you're far too young, the best is yet to come". Thank you for that song. It will be one of my new songs to listen to while driving for work.