Ptsd Husband Cancelled Invites To Thanksgiving. Help

[Trying best]

I'm sorry to hear that. Hope things get better. My husband and I get along just fine, it's only this dilemma of him changing his mind at the last min bugging me . I don't know how to make him realize that I understand his ptsd bathe has to compromise too when it is vital to family traditions.

 

[Leah123]

We all have issues, but PTSD is definitely not a hall pass. Your husband needs to cope if he wants to be part of a family, being in a family, especially with children, comes with obligations, and they're not all yours. I worry about you, sounds like you are working constantly to keep him happy? Is he doing the same for you?

Holiday traditions are definitely an important part of family life, not just for you but your kids. Does your husband not appreciate that?

I have PTSD too, but I also have a family and do many things that are uncomfortable for me to serve them, as they compromise for me too. Relationships require effort from both parties, no matter what the disorder or situation.

but I don't want my mom to think there is craziness going on

P.S. If you have a good relationship with your mom, then I suggest you absolutely let her see what's going on so she can support you. This is not a situation to deal with in isolation if at all possible. Dealing with a husband with such a severe case of PTSD requires support, not just for him, but for you.

 

[Trying best]

@Leah123 Your response was beautiful. My husband changing his mind last minute when I have already given word to others is not okay as it puts me in a awkward position all the time. Yes he does make me happy and we get along just fine but I think he fails to understand that dealing with ptsd as a spouse is not easy as well and he says "my condition is nothing compared to yours and that if I don't understand him then I should leave" this was all due to thanksgiving planning.

I don't know what else to say or how to express that I also do so much even though sometimes it's to much too handle and I blowup too as part of a human nature. I have to makes decision by today if I'm or if I'm not cancelling thanksgiving. When it is family traditions I don't care what triggers him he needs to suck it up, he has no sense of obligation as a married man in this matter and he says he can only think of himself right now as he is trying to get better, therefore everybody else is secondary??? Is that fair or am I unreasonable???

 

[Hashi]

There's a difference between asking him to agree to you inviting people over for Thanksgiving and asking him to be highly involved in the event. I'd just like to clarify this, because I'm not clear from what you've written.

I'm confused whether you mean that you said you would host it, or that you wanted you and him to jointly host it, or if you weren't specific on that.

I'm confused about whether you mean he agreed to you celebrating it, or whether he agreed to him celebrating it.

What did he specifically agree to?

 

[anthony]

This is called "enabling behaviour" and you are encouraging him to do it. You need to stop worrying about upsetting him, and enjoy ThanksGiving with your mother. Explain to her that he is being selfish... because that is exactly the behaviour he is demonstrating based on your words here. You have a choice as to what your mothers impression is, based on whether you tell her the truth, or further enable his poor behaviour by lying to her about his attitude.

 

[Trying best]

This is called "enabling behaviour" and you are encouraging him to do it. You need to stop worrying about upsetting him, and enjoy ThanksGiving with your mother.

You are right about the enabling behavior. I think I have allowed too many times and now that kind of behavior has become a norm. But how do I know if it is an enabling behavior or really his Ptsd kicking in. Are you suggesting I celebrate thanksgiving at my house? Or some place else? Thank you

 

[Lucycat]

I have to makes decision by today if I'm or if I'm not cancelling thanksgiving. When it is family traditions I don't care what triggers him he needs to suck it up, he has no sense of obligation as a married man in this matter and he says he can only think of himself right now as he is trying to get better, therefore everybody else is secondary??? Is that fair or am I unreasonable???

Life is not fair or reasonable. Here we do not have 'Thanksgiving' so maybe I am missing the point. However I think expecting somebody to overcome an illness for the sake of tradition is crazy!

I don't condone selfishness, and if he could have declined to be involved earlier then he should have. I do think he should help and support you, but simply because it 'is a family tradition' holds no bearing with me.

 

[anthony]

Are you suggesting I celebrate thanksgiving at my house? Or some place else? Thank you

I'm not suggesting anything outside of you need to stop the enabling behaviour, stop worrying about how your mother perceives his choices, and simply go on with your thanksgiving. Where you have it, is your choice. Enabling him doesn't help him, it just puts more pressures on your relationship, and reinforces to him that he can use PTSD as an excuse at any given time to get you to agree with / conform to his desires.

A relationship has two people, and both have to give and take constantly to appease the other. Any relationship that is one sided typically ends up toxic / destructive at some point because issues weren't corrected when they arose. Whether that be ongoing arguments, or dissolution, is unknown.

 

[arfie]

I might have been trying to say what Anthony said. Maybe. It is very hard stuff to put into words.

When my family members have plans but I am sliding into my weirdities, it seriously complicates the whole mess when my family stops the show to kowtow to my disability. I am not very articulate when I am in episode, but the memory of ruining their lives is not helpful.

When they hold their ground and go on with their festivities, I sometimes even find the peace and courage to join them later on. Sometimes I am even able to make amends.

 

[Leah123]

When it is family traditions I don't care what triggers him he needs to suck it up, he has no sense of obligation as a married man in this matter and he says he can only think of himself right now as he is trying to get better, therefore everybody else is secondary??? Is that fair or am I unreasonable???

He can't only think of himself, he has children and a wife. Having those wondeful beings in our life requires thinking of them, prioritizing them when it matters. I agree 110% that what you are doing is not healthy for him or you. You are not treating yourself and your children and your mother as equals if all of you are subject to his decisions no matter how important the event, and no matter how he changes his mind after the fact. He's acting childish. I am sure he has a hard time, but.... if he has had PTSD a long time, and he still decided to have a family, I suggest he needs to work very hard on coping skills.

Being in a family is a commitment. Point blank. Not everyone is cut out for it, and those that chose it, need to take care of their family members too. You're not his nurse. You say you get along with him fine, but what you are describing is *not* getting along fine, it is acting confused and subservient, just based on what you've written here.

I've had to work on issues in my own marriage, so... I can relate a bit. I know I'm coming on strong, but children are very very important, and the stability and joy of holidays and traditions are important to them, and you. I hope that the rest of your lives are way more enjoyable and this is just a holiday spaz attack for him, but the way you describe him changing his mind so much and being dismissive of you is concerning.

Lucycat said: [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/goto/post?id=620538#post-620538"]↑[/DLMURL]
"Here we do not have 'Thanksgiving' so maybe I am missing the point. However I think expecting somebody to overcome an illness for the sake of tradition is crazy!"


I believe some of the issue here might be from not celebrating Thanksgiving there. To me, Thanksgiving is as essential as Christmas for children to enjoy. It is a very rich experience in American culture, one celebrated by the vast majority of us where we spend a mindful day feasting on traditional foods and family favorites, having a large, festive, often somewhat formal meal, and being appreciative of all the good in our lives, honoring those who came before us for enabling us to be safe, free, and nourished. We gather with family and simply enjoy each other's company as best we can while doing this. I firmly believe that having a sense of tradition is important to children. Now, that is not to say Thanksgiving has to be a part of that- many other people have different traditions- but a year without family holidays would be a very sad year indeed in my mind: children deserve this type of family, cultural, spiritual, pleasurable event to look forward to.

I'm not suggesting he can overcome his illness in terms of being healed, but that he needs to do what he can, honor his word, support his wife, prioritize his children. It should be more up to him to figure out how to cope than to drop that burden solely on the family during a holiday.

 

[Britt.f7]

Everything does not seem fine when you have to conform to his desires and accommodate him routinely. I have PTSD, there are things I have difficulty doing and my husband knows it. Do we have issues time to time, yes. Usually I know, though, I am being unreasonable. He still goes on and does what he has to do, visit with family, etc.. Granted, we don't or haven't entertained too often here because of me, but we have. I've had to make an exception my own feelings, go beyond, because I have a family that lives here too. I may have backed out of going places, but I have never cancelled anything that happened at my own house. If it becomes more then I can handle, I excuse myself and retreat to my bedroom. He is being unreasonable, regardless of the ptsd. He is still human.

 

[nursenurse]

Even within a PTSD relationship, or actually, within any relationship, period, you have to make a life for yourself. He is most welcome to be with you, but if he doesn't want to be, then get on with yours. It doesn't mean that all of a sudden you turn the tables and everything is all about you. But sometimes it has to be about you. It seems you have enabled him too long, and now you are reaching the end of your rope. By not setting boundaries and eternally keeping the peace, you have set yourself an enormously high bar that will fall at some point. He will keep on taking regardless because that its the norm the both of you have fallen into. Anthony says it quite beautifully in his posts. Have your thanksgiving. You don't have to rag on him, but you do need to be truthful to your Mom. Be matter of fact if he decides to stay away. And do your best to enjoy her company.

All relationships work on a continuum. We all have periods where we either give or take more than our partner. But there needs to be compromise and a genuine spirit of thankfulness for what is given and what is received. It should be uplifting for both. And be working towards the mutual satisfaction of each party. He may pout, but you will get through it. And as someone else said, he may surprise you. Just go ahead with your plans and don't second guess yourself or what you are doing for your family. One person should not control the happiness of everyone else. Good luck!