Mayday

[duff]

I just feel awful! Awful for her, awful for me, awful awful awful.

We've been dating for about three and a half months, and this is always - always - always - (pattern noted) the point in time which things get hard for me. It seems to correlate with the point in time the other person starts getting Serious, and they bring up meeting the family and friends and we begin working on establishing a routine of sex and things get more intimate, and etc. So, "normal" relationship stuff.

And then I flip out. Freak out, bolt.

And now, I know enough about my trauma and enough self awareness to see that I'm being triggered by all that stuff. And the only relationship I ever had that even had a chance of getting past the three month hump was a long distance relationship where there was little to no chance of us ever being accepted by her family (who ever thought that being gay and not accepted could feel like such a relief), and the day to day negotiations of time and space were off the table because of the distance. It felt perfect. I loved it. But she was the person, that time, who freaked out and bolted at the three month hump.

I'm just furious at my therapist right now for pointing out that I'm in a deep "trauma reaction," because it makes me feel like she is secretly thinking I should be fighting the urge to bolt. I just feel really judged by her (though when I think about the actual words she said, they were all of support and etc). But she pointed out that another option would be to stick it out and try to work through the triggers. She didn't even say I should consider it. She said, "I know you don't want to process this right now, and that is okay." But I don't believe her!

I feel like I'm SO deep in trigger land that I literally can't see up from down or black from white. All I can think is that my therapist thinks I'm supposed to stay in this relationship that I currently hate every ounce of. And when I talk to the girl later today, she will cry and be really hurt (she is in Deep Love, as she has put it), and it will make everything so much worse in my feelings world. The more she loves me, the angrier I get with her. The more she wants to be with me, the more repelled I feel. The nicer she is, the more I hate her.

The only thing I know how to do to regain my sanity is just to set myself free and hope there is something I can learn from this on the other side. I just feel so judged and misunderstood, and like everyone around me, including my therapist, is secretly thinking that now that I've seen the pattern and know that it's coming from trauma, I'm supposed to want to change it and then work to change it. But I feel so suffocated, and like I might really fly off my rocker entirely if I try to stay. Like, the thing I -need- is space, so I can find my sanity and figure out what just happened. I don't even feel like I can see around the seeing-red enough to even begin to sort out what, precisely, has set me off so totally.

This is a very winding rant. I don't know what I need, but I just needed to get this out somewhere.

 

[scout86]

like everyone around me, including my therapist, is secretly thinking that now that I've seen the pattern and know that it's coming from trauma, I'm supposed to want to change it and then work to change it.

Wouldn't it be nice if it was really that simple!

Even if you're working to change, that doesn't mean you're going to get it perfect the first time you try.

I suppose you have at least 3 options. 1) Run for the hills! 2) somehow try to tough it out and see what happens 3) explain to this woman what's going on and that you really aren't in a position to deal rationally with a relationship right now, would she consider putting things on hold until you get your act together better, or does she have any other ideas, or what ever that conversation brings. Maybe there are more than 3 options, but I'm out of ideas.

It's possible that this isn't the "right" relationship. It wouldn't make sense to get married just because you're at a point in therapy where you're working on relationship skills. On the other hand, maybe it IS the right relationship. Then it would be a shame to blow it just because you aren't THROUGH this phase of therapy.

DO you want, at some point, to be in a stable, long term relationship? If you do, you realize you have to work through this first, right? Not saying it's easy! Just that it's a process and you've actually already started by considering what's happening and why, and what your options are. (I agree, the whole "Deep Love" thing is scary! Who wants to be responsible for dealing with being on the receiving end of THAT? That's a huge responsibility! You might even have to learn to accept the idea that you're good enough to BE in a relationship like that!) :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Forgive me if you're not looking for advice, but this is my take on things...

I think that your therapist does care for you and is trying to help in a way that may not be exactly what you want or need to hear right now. I know that for myself, that when the words I hear aren't the words I WANT to hear, I try to look at the underlying meaning, that is, I ask myself if the person is trying to show care or concern, or if they're being malicious. This is often enough to help settle my mind so that I can think "hey, this person actually cares, even if the right words weren't said" Then I'm able to more rationally think through the situation without being overly emotionally involved. I mean in the case of your therapist, it seems that she does in fact care, and maybe if you can accept this part of it, then it won't feel so emotionally charged in whether or not to take her advice? That is, you could say to yourself "she means well, but I need to do what is best for me right now, even if that means I go against her advice" I know this is NOT easy when we're stuck in a highly stressed/triggered state, so I don't mean to imply that this is easy because I know it can be quite difficult. Rather, this is the process I've developed for myself over a loooong time, lol, and it really helps me when I'm in an emotionally charged state.

Its possible that you're not ready for a committed relationship at this time. Do all of your relationships fall into this same pattern? I mean in terms of getting to know each other, then settling down at 3 months? (Well, other than the long distance one.) Why do you feel the need to always have this type of relationship? Who says that things need to be serious and/or committed? Just because the OTHER person wants this at 3 months? If there's anything I've learned, its that every relationship is different, and you don't need to fit into a certain pattern just to have a relationship. Why become committed when you aren't ready for it? If you need your space, stand up and say dammit, this isn't what *I* want! Relationships seem to run the gamut from "we met and haven't spent more than 5 minutes apart, EVER" to "we meet up when we want to have a good time, no strings attached", with every conceivable notion in between. I think its important for you to decide what YOU want and need in a relationship, and don't feel pressured by the other person. If the other person really loves you, then they will be willing to give you the time and space that you need if you say "hey, I am just not ready for this level of commitment yet" If the other person pressures you or tries to guilt you into more, then perhaps this isn't the right person for you at this time.

I think that it is important to push ourselves forward and work on relationship issues, but not at the expense of our own needs. If you're really to the point of being angry and hating your partner, then it's time to take a step back. I'm not saying that you should end things, rather that perhaps you should take time apart so that you can let the emotions calm down and think more rationally about the situation. You could then think about whether or not you want to continue in any sort of relationship with this person, and if so, on what level? But, whatever you do, please don't feel like you need to be committed to the other person on a certain level just because that's what THEY need. Your needs are just as important!

Sorry if I'm waaay off base here, as I don't want to upset you even more!

 

[Changing4Best]

This is a very winding rant. I don't know what I need, but I just needed to get this out somewhere.

It is good to have shared this with us, and you took as long as you needed to let us know the whole picture.

I think one thing that you said is very true about yourself, that you need to step back and work on yourself and your situation. This is very true, and maybe it would be best for you to stay out of any further relationships until you have been able to deal with this better.

About your therapist, if anger is what you feel, tell it. Let it out. They are trained to be able to handle that from us. It is part of the healing process!

Hang in there.

 

[duff]

Thank you so much for these responses! They are actually already helping me feel more calm and rational. It helps to hear from you because you don't know me and therefore can't possibly have a secret agenda that you are trying to coerce me into following (lol isn't that, by itself, QUITE telling??).

It's helpful, especially, to remember that I actually do have a choice, and it doesn't have to be her way or the highway. I think the choice thing - perceived or actual, whether I have one or not - is the biggest trigger of them all, for me. So thank you for the reminder and all the scenarios/options you've pointed out.

I've just spent some time making a list of things that feel really difficult for me right now, and maybe will use them as a jumping off point to share with her. And then see where the conversation goes from there. Thank you so much again.

 

[nursenurse]

No one says you have to meet family and get "serious" after only three months. Give yourselves a break, quit the horizontal mambo for now, and take your time to sort yourselves out. If it is meant to be, it will stand the test of time. Frankly, it is way too early in the relationship to be taking "serious". Have fun, learn to enjoy each other's company, and learn about each other before becoming committed in your hearts and your heads.

 

[bell]

@duff, I, too, am a bolter. Big time. Lately what's (beginning) to help me is to see that I have a choice. And that by having a choice I am in control. And if I am in control then I can choose to do what I want, not either: a) do what I think they want or b) bolt because I'm scared. I can *choose* to stay in the grey area (like @Solara referred to) and let things be slow. And if they stay, rad. If they go, well, they're not the person for me.

For me, this realization of being "in control" has been nothing short of life changing, because in my past experience I have never been in control, either I was trying to gain someone's affections and running after them desperately or bolting before I gave anyone a chance or being emotionally/physically/sexually hurt and control wasn't even in the same stratosphere! So, to switch things up and see myself as finally in control, my anxiety is beginning (just beginning!!!) to let up, but it is letting up, because if I am in control, then no one can take advantage of me.

Additionally, be gentle with yourself. Relationships are difficult for everyone, especially those of us with PTSD. Personally, I'm making sure I'm getting lots of extra sleep and exercise in order to take care of myself and I've found that those two things really help.

 

[duff]

Hello beautiful people - I just wanted to send you a bit of an update!

So, I talked to her on Friday. But before that, in the middle of the day, my frustrations with my therapist hit a boiling point and I ended up calling her to touch base and try to get a reality check. And in the middle of THAT I realized I had messed something up at work really badly, and have never made such an obvious mistake before. It was a recipe for a total and complete meltdown, which is exactly what happened.

On the heels of the meltdown was when my girlfriend and I were supposed to hang out and "re-connect" because we had barely talked all week. That was the point at which I was going to break up with her. But then, when push came to shove and I finally got there I was so overwhelmed and exhausted from the rest of my day and from the process of sorting my own stuff re: her out, that I sat down and felt like "I don't have the stomach to force this to be done," so I ended up just sharing with her point by point by point my list of "This is too much," and "That thing isn't working," and a LOT of feelings and crying and just being there together.

It was really astonishing to me how none of it seemed to phase her and she responded very graciously and with a general attitude of, "Okay, we can adjust to manage that," in each situation. I feel a bit in shock by it, but also really glad about it. I'm even extra glad to not have to deal with the dynamics of a break up right now, and comforted by the thought that we could still break up later if need be, at some point. I suppose my positive feelings in the aftermath are really telling.

This is definitely the first time I've hit that kind of patch of feelings and NOT bolted. I hardly even recognize myself!