Sexual Assault Did I Cheat On My Boyfriend Or Was I Sexually Assaulted?

[fly away home]

OK i have to put it out there. Anthony, your response is pretty f*cked. You have taken this woman's feelings as facts and we all know that feeling is not fact.

Fact is she said no. She had many feeling associated with the assault but fact is she said no. He chose to be aggressive. He chose to dominate someone, he chose to sexually assault them.

I also have to say the phlegmatic sheep who follow your opinion blindly are just beyond my comprehension.

I just cannot let this sit. Ban me if you so choose but I cannot believe that in this day and age I am defending somebodies right to say no. That 'no' must be said at a certain decebel for it to be taken as 'no'. WTF?!?!?

 

[The Albatross]

I actually don't think Anthony's response is pretty f'cked. I am seeing some personal responsibility on this one. Some decisions made that were poor. Did she deserve what happened? No maybe not... but putting yourself (like I did) in questionable situations is a personal choice... even under the influence of booze. I had to accept "my part" of some definitely f'cked up decisions... made most often under the influence. And guess what? I dealt with it.

I have personal responsibility. If I don't want bad shit to happen to me I take the actions necessary to make good decisions or have good judgment. Judgment was severely lacking here. Does it mean that she is at fault? No not necessarily... but putting yourself there, in my experience is part of the problem.

Did I Cheat On My Boyfriend Or Was I Sexually Assaulted? Only you can know for sure, but you unwittingly put yourself in a situation that had consequences you have to deal with now.

 

[billie]

I have no idea what the hell is going through people's heads when they question this victim. Recently the egos of some people are being projected here with major implications to members that are vulnerable. The passive aggressive replies of some make me sick.

 

[nursenurse]

The OP clearly behaved in a manner that opened up the possibility of something bad happening, but to even imply that she asked for it or deserved it just goes against any civility known to mankind.,

 

[Echo]

Many people come to this site and, having mustered all their courage despite hideous events and often great fear, they ASK FOR HELP OR ADVICE. It is testimony to this site's high profile and standing that they end up here. It is unconscionable to me that they should be met with antediluvian moralising or any moralising at all. None of us know the full facts from what a person posts in their distress.

I had really hoped that given the until recent existence of the MySexualAbuse sister site, that this site would be a safe place for people to share their distress and ask for help following rape, abuse or assault and that they would be met with civility and humanity, especially since so many of us UNDERSTAND, having been through similar experiences. Surely there is a need to be following best practice in handling such cases, not making things worse for people.

 

[cherryblossom]

I am seeing some personal responsibility on this one. Some decisions made that were poor.

Judgment was severely lacking here. Does it mean that she is at fault? No not necessarily... but putting yourself there, in my experience is part of the problem.

I just wonder where one draws the line, with this sort of thought of process? I personally think a perpetrator of a sexual assault is solely responsible for the act.

If the 'victim' (for want of a better word) says no, says stop, and the perpetrator continues, and uses force or coercion, then I really don't see how the 'victim' has any responsibility for being assaulted.

I think of my own situation, and also remember how 'guilty' I felt, and how much 'self-blame' I carried for years. How many thoughts I had along the lines of 'if only I'd done this differently', or 'I should have done this instead', and I just wonder where you draw the line.

I went out on my own to meet friends, and was raped at knife point. I put myself in that situation. Should I never go out alone? Or perhaps I should never walk to my car alone, or perhaps I should never walk to my car alone when it's getting dark? Or perhaps I should just never go out? Where do you draw the line as to how much of 'putting myself in that situation' makes me somewhat responsible for what happened?

Surely any man or woman should be able to enjoy the freedom that society allows, within the confines of the law without having someone else attack them, or do things to them without their consent?

I really don't understand how someone who says

I was telling him no. I asked him to please stop and I said no repeatedly, I physically tried to stave him off but he was very aggressive, holding me down and being dominant.

can be held in any way responsible for someone elses actions, someone elses choices.

 

[Justmehere]

@taylafilmista- It sounds like once he started to hurt you, that you made the best decisions you could to get through it with as much dignity as you could.

I was sexually assaulted by two a co-worker I had trusted as a good person. The assault by the co-worker affected me deeply... it was so betraying of what I thought had been an ok relationship. It left me really deeply confused as well. Keep talking and reaching out for help and support.

It's been proposed that invalidation is one of the biggest factors in developing PTSD. Something therapists have told me to do - as much as you can, try to validate your own experience, what you know is true, and focus on those who are supportive of you as you sort this out.

Feeling angry and hurt are very normal and natural reactions.

You are not bad, guilty, shameful, terrible, at fault, a cheater or in any other way deserving of what he did.

You have already been proactive by posting here your honest questions and confusion about what happened and how you feel now. I really do believe that by reaching out for support and continuing to work through what happened, you will feel better and heal from this in time.

 

[cherryblossom]

There is, "oh no... no, please stop... ok... that feels good... no, no, I'm not sure I should be doing this" and then there is "NO, STOP, NOOOOOOOOO, STOPPPPPPPPPPPP" which is screaming from being forced. You were in a house with others, surely someone would have heard you if forceful.

I've kind of held off responding to this, because I was slightly concerned that my thoughts were too emotional.

I'm sorry, but this sounds like after the fact you're trying to feel better about your actions versus sexual assault.

but seriously . . . . there is so much assumption in your post, which in my opinion is totally unnecessary.

What I didn't expect was for him to be naked and to grab ahold of me before I could even begin talking. He took my clothes off very quickly as I was telling him no. I asked him to please stop and I said no repeatedly, I physically tried to stave him off but he was very aggressive, holding me down and being dominant

Did you miss this part? She has said that she said no repeatedly. Don't you believe her? She never said that she encouraged him in any way with . . .

ok... that feels good... no, no, I'm not sure I should be doing this

You are the first person to say don't jump to conclusions, if in doubt ask for clarification, yet here you are making assumptions.

Talking about any sexual acts is incredibly difficult for a lot of people. Joining a forum, and and talking about it is also really hard. Talking about sexual abuse, asking if 'this' is sexual abuse is tough. Please don't make assumptions and drive people away. Please ask for clarification before jumping to conclusions.

I'm not one for sugar-coating things, but I just think it's really harsh to make such assumptions, in response to a new member who has shared such a difficult experience.

I have responded to a thread which was raised as a result of this thread, so don't want to repeat myself here, but you can read my response here


We're not talking about PTSD here, we're talking about potential sexual assault, and I don't think that assumptions are helpful or beneficial to the OP.

As a survivor of sexual abuse /assault I know how difficult it is to share that experience, and ask for help. If I shared my experience and was essentially disbelieved, or assumptions were made, without being asked for clarification, I would feel completely crushed.

I also have to say the phlegmatic sheep who follow your opinion blindly are just beyond my comprehension.

I couldn't agree more.

 

[anthony]

OK i have to put it out there. Anthony, your response is pretty f*cked. You have taken this woman's feelings as facts and we all know that feeling is not fact.

I honestly don't know why you're trying to defend anything... it is my opinion, nothing more. 99.5% of the time I will side with a persons words describing a sexual assault, however; there is a minority I won't, and I'm not sorry for my opinion. Things don't sit right with me in relation to this one, putting it into the 0.5% of cases I think are shaky / full of shit. I also don't ask anyone to follow anything I do, and I'm pretty sure any adult opinions that a similar to mine are just that, adult opinions of their own making.

You have your opinion, I have mine... I'm unsure why you can't accept opinions. I haven't bashed anyone in here for their opinion, because it is their opinion and I can't argue with that. Unsure why you think you should a. be arguing mine, and b. trying to defend another. Pretty sure the person can stick up for themselves, and they have responded since quite intelligently with further details.

Sorry, but I've been doing this a long time now, and this one doesn't sit right with me based on my experience and thus is my opinion.

 

[anthony]

I personally think a perpetrator of a sexual assault is solely responsible for the act.

That logic has both factual, and unfactual, aspects to it. A person who assaults another is more often than not 100% responsible for that assault, however; there are other factors leading to events that must also be factored.

If you're walking along what is a fairly well lit road, in what is considered a safe neighbourhood, and someone jumps you, rapes you and bashes you, then you have near zero ownership from a risk assessment view as you where extremely low risk. If you added a second person walking with you, male or female, you would have likely nearly removed all risk.

Now change factors and risk begins to increase. You own the risk you place within a situation to that event happening.

Single female, intoxicated, late at night / early morning hours, dressed to impress and be as sexy as possible, walking in a high crime neighbourhood... guess what? You just took ownership for a whole lot of increasing your risk of being assaulted, sexual or otherwise. You now have ownership in the event. The perpetrator owns their part, you own your part.

As I said above... 99.5% of the time I can quickly differentiate risk and relative ownership... and 0.5% of the time things don't gel right from the get go. This is one of those times for me.

 

[billie]

@ Anthony, hey but what if you are wrong on this? This could be creating more damage to the person posting.

 

[anthony]

It could be wrong billie, but the member can discard what I say... I'm not shoving anything down their throat. You post here, on any forum, you get diverse opinions. You take those you want, you discard the rest. It has always worked that way. The only thing that annoys me is when people defend their opinion and argue it. Sure, you can question away other opinions, but some above have now started insulting others who don't agree with their view. That to me is pretty wrong. If you wanted a specific opinion, everyone to agree with you... then online communities is the wrong place IMHO... possibly life itself, because people still give diverse opinions.

I'm not claiming to be right, or wrong... I am stating my opinion based on my experience. My opinion can change, or remain, with further information. My posting history reflects this where applicable.