Isolated

[Meadowsweet]

I'm feeling so isolated, like there is not a place i can go to and fit in or be accepted. I feel trapped by it, but I don't understand the feeling, because when I feel like crap, I isolate myself and don't want anyone near me.

It's like if I don't fit in that is somehow hurtful to other people, and that I should keep myself out of the way. I feel clumsy and worthless and beat myself up for not being good enough.

I'm just plummeting at the moment, and I know that the worse thing I can do is to isolate, so that's why I'm here talking.

Does anyone else get this. I feel like it's my childhood and identity issues again. But I can't get to where it comes from. Anyone recognise the feeling?

 

[Tinyflame]

Frequently, @Meadowsweet . No words of wisdom unfortunately though. :(

:hug:

 

[silkleaves]

I only feel like that from Fri-Wed...On Thursdays I tell myself that there are people out there who would love to hear from me and see me, then I spend a few hours pep talking myself into trying to send a text, make a call, try to make plans to spend time with someone, then the feeling goes away and I haven't done any of it.

Really though, I waver between wanting to be accepted and fit in, and feeling like why bother, it's useless.

I waver between wanting to just be able to spend time with others, at least talk to them or touch bases, and wanting nothing to do with anyone ever and wishing / hoping everyone will leave me alone.

Two good friends of mine have been calling me every day for over a week now...well, one of them since Mother's Day actually, I'm sure wondering if I got the package she sent me. I only just opened the package a few days ago. I want to talk to them, yet every time my phone rings I'm like seriously? Again? You just called me yesterday! Give me a break!

It's very frustrating.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not fit in anywhere. That is why I no longer bother with any support groups. I have a few people in my life that are good and decent people and try to stay as positive as I can.

I just figured out that I do not fit in last year and I feel so much better. No more exercises in futility. No head banging against the wall for me.

I tend to isolate and withdraw when I am really down. I just do not have anything to give.

But I am working on reaching out to safe others when I begin to feel lonely. I am doing so much better than a year ago.

It will not always be like this for you Meadowsweet. I really believe that.

One thing I find refreshing here on the forums is that the people are real about where they are at. So I am glad you are talking about where you are right now.

I can relate. I am always the odd one. I used to be so transparent with the wrong people and it caused so much damage to me and I am not saying that you are doing this at all.

I was really bad at isolating. But I am a people person and need people that are working on themselves.

Thank you for sharing. I wish the best possible outcome for you.

 

[Intrepid]

I've done really good at appearing to fit in. I've put up a really good façade. It gets me by.

Problem is, it always feels fake. I can get along, but only until the flashbacks return. That's when I isolate again.

Sometimes the feelings of fakeness are all that I need to get triggered.

Isolation is awful. Feelings that don't connect with the present are awful. I can relate.

 

[Go Hungry]

I've never felt like I fit in. Well, I fit in with other mentally ill people, but that's because we're all going through something similar. I only really feel safe to be myself around the mad. Isn't that bizarre?

Otherwise I can't stand to be anywhere around other people. I know that I come across as odd, and I hate it. So I avoid folks most of the time. It's especially bad at work, where over the years people have figured out that there's just something wrong about me. I don't know what to do about it.

 

[Hashi]

I fit in with other mentally ill people

I don't even feel this. My responses to trauma and approaches to healing seem to be mostly different from other people's. I feel like I fit and don't fit in both worlds (the worlds of people whose lives are greatly affected by mental illness, and those who aren't in that situation).

@Meadowsweet I'm wondering where you are with the possibility of going back to therapy. This seems like a difficult thing to work through on your own.

On the forum, hopefully there will be responses/discussion that can help. At the same time, I feel that for something that goes this deep it would be helpful to be guided and supported by someone in real life. I don't know how you would feel about that?

 

[Meadowsweet]

I was really bad at isolating. But I am a people person and need people that are working on themselves.

I don't know if I am a people person or not. I'm not a social person, in that I don't need people to keep me company on a daily basis, I don't connect to social media or that kind of relationships. But I think I do have a need for a deeper closeness to share with people.

Well, I fit in with other mentally ill people, but that's because we're all going through something similar. I only really feel safe to be myself around the mad. Isn't that bizarre?

I don't feel that I fit in with mentally ill people either. I feel safer with people who show willingness for working on themselves, because they are more likely to take responsibility for their actions rather than project or blame. All people have some issues to work on, without it being a mental illness, but perhaps people who have experienced therapy such as CBT are more likely to have the understanding of the mind, and be practising those skills in daily life.

I'm wondering where you are with the possibility of going back to therapy. This seems like a difficult thing to work through on your own.
On the forum, hopefully there will be responses/discussion that can help. At the same time, I feel that for something that goes this deep it would be helpful to be guided and supported by someone in real life. I don't know how you would feel about that?

At the moment I don't know Hashi, but thank you for putting the question out there for me to think about. In my mind I'm not relating to the idea of therapy in a very positive way. I feel like in therapy I'm being dependent, and my need to try and do it myself is because I so want to be independent.

This is part of the issue with isolating too maybe. Any amount of dependence or reliance on others makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, like I've given something precious to someone else to hold, and am having to trust them not to damage it. There's also fear about the commitment and of letting the therapist down if I don't respond as well to their therapy as they want me to, and if I went through the NHS, the fear of being labelled anymore than I already am on my medical records.

 

[Hashi]

If you prefer to address it without therapy, I think you need to structure an approach to it. Something that will gradually challenge your responses as well as your actions. This is something that therapy can provide and keep us focussed on, so without therapy I think it's about finding a way to stay with it and work on it alone. For example:

It's like if I don't fit in that is somehow hurtful to other people, and that I should keep myself out of the way. I feel clumsy and worthless and beat myself up for not being good enough.

As with anything, we need a lot of grounding and coping skills if we're going to sustain approaches. It's something I take a tough line on - I think we have to be really disciplined, consistent and effortful when it comes to skills. I'm not saying that you aren't, I have no idea. It's a general point. If our skills and resources are strong enough, I think it's possible to take other steps.

Without taking a structured and sustained approach, I'm wondering how anything could change. To me, there's something that feels very circular. Independence circling with isolation. Interaction circling with relationship and dependence issues. To be honest, I suspect that exploring why brings a risk of keeping you in the same loops.

I know that's true for me and anxiety - knowing where it comes from doesn't change it at all. I think it can actually reinforce feelings of how hard it is to change it. Going directly to working on changing it works better for me. And that is trial and error - or rather, trial and monitoring/reviewing/adjusting.

 

[Meadowsweet]

To be honest, I suspect that exploring why brings a risk of keeping you in the same loops.

Yes. I like the structured approach. But in the therapy I had, that structured approach wasn't there, it was up to me to talk, and I figure I can do that here. I don't always know the structured approach that I need to take, so if others share something (as you have done on the thread about identity) it is something that i use. If I could choose a therapist that worked better with a structured approach, I might consider it, but I don't have choice. The NHS was more structured, so maybe that is a consideration, but involves a really messed up system that I'm not sure I want to get into because of the labelling.

I find that knowing the source of anxiety helps me, because I have quite a strong logical side, and I use it to manage emotional overload. So it helps if my logical side has the understanding to talk me down when anxiety is reaching boiling point.

Saying that, I am trying to incorporate what I've learned into my life and deal as and when. But I've been isolated for a long time, so I don't have the friend that will invite me out or introduce me to others, and at my age, many people have long standing social circles and it's logistically difficult to get involved. I joined a class and am sociable at the class, but making the real friendships that could be triggering to me is naturally a slow process. It gets to me at times.

 

[The Albatross]

"I'm feeling so isolated, like there is not a place i can go to and fit in or be accepted. I feel trapped by it, but I don't understand the feeling, because when I feel like crap, I isolate myself and don't want anyone near me."

I think I would rewrite the messaging I am telling myself to something like: "I isolate myself and don't want anyone near me. I feel trapped by it because I don't like feeling this way. My isolation says, "There is not any place I can go to and fit in or be accepted". But what evidence do I have to support this belief. Is it fact or fiction?"

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think I would rewrite the messaging I am telling myself to something like: "I isolate myself and don't want anyone near me. I feel trapped by it because I don't like feeling this way. My isolation says, "There is not any place I can go to and fit in or be accepted". But what evidence do I have to support this belief. Is it fact or fiction?"

That works that way. I could change the thoughts associated with the feelings by saying "I'm feeling isolated. I don't fit in because I am a bit different, but I'm ok with that. In the past not fulfilling the expectations of others has led to violence and bullying. I have trapped myself with the fear of those incidents and trying to avoid it happening again. However, it has been 4 years since I isolated myself, and with the help of therapy, I have worked on addressing thinking styles and behaviours that create the vulnerability to abuse. It is dangerous and unrealistic to deny the fact that dangerous people exist, there is factual evidence to support that they do, and that they prey on vulnerable (messed up) people. But the challenge right now is trusting myself to have done enough work, and to continue to work through social issues as and when they arise."