Isolated

[Tinyflame]

I have been told that the feeling of not fitting in is actually low grade anxiety. But it's very difficult to determine what is actually 'so' (anxiety) from what my mind is trying to interpret or tells me is the cognitive reason. Then there is the isolation I need, for myself, but then the isolation that seems in others' best interests as well, and in my case usually is final. Then there is not knowing if the isolating or stopping contact feels 'right' because it reduces anxiety, or just is the right (better/ best) decision.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I have been told that the feeling of not fitting in is actually low grade anxiety. But it's very difficult to determine what is actually 'so' (anxiety) from what my mind is trying to interpret or tells me is the cognitive reason.

I think there is evidence to suggest that people with a mental health condition often don't fit in to 'normal'. But then anxiety of not fitting in makes the not fitting in more difficult, because being anxious can make people act a bit strange, which reaffirms that they don't fit in. So I would say a bit of both.

Then there is the isolation I need, for myself, but then the isolation that seems in others' best interests as well, and in my case usually is final.

If a person suffers with anger outbursts, I could imagine that isolation might be in the best interests of others. But that really is the only reason. For me, isolation on a day to day basis, is something I need sometimes. If I can't isolate fully, I find that I dissociate, which isolates me in a different way.

But my more problematic isolation has been permanent, ie, cutting people out of my life because I was triggered so often. The severity of my symptoms at that time would have put me in hospital, left me unable to care for my children, or killed me. So I don't regret that, I did what I had to do to become more stable momentarily, so I could carry on, and I followed it through by going to my GP and looking for more long term help. So in my case, I believe it was the best decision.

So now, I'm quite stable and in a better place with managing and understanding symptoms, and I'm trying to find my way out of isolating and having to look at the deeper social issues I have and the fears I've developed from getting it wrong.

 

[Tinyflame]

It's like if I don't fit in that is somehow hurtful to other people, and that I should keep myself out of the way. I feel clumsy and worthless and beat myself up for not being good enough.

Does anyone else get this. I feel like it's my childhood and identity issues again. But I can't get to where it comes from.

This is what I thought you meant by isolating for others' sakes @Meadowsweet , sorry.

I understand what you mean; that kind of isolation you described sounded necessary to accomplish the demands on you.

I think for me it goes much deeper than the surface feelings & reasons, the reason (motivation or feeling of necessity to remove myself) underlying is larger than the individual behaviours/ isolating.

:hug:

 

[Meadowsweet]

This is what I thought you meant by isolating for others' sakes @Meadowsweet , sorry.

Don't be sorry, i don't always explain myself very well. It was good to think about what isolation is in my life.

 

[xena21]

I relate every day. But I live in an isolated world. I don't know if that's the way you normally live. I am not married and don't have kids. I stay away from everyone and don't work or get together with anyone unless its well planned in advance. The only people I normally see are my therapists. Does that explain you?

If that's the case then I know the feeling. I live alone in my house with my cat and dog. I am terrified of people and would love to be able to work and get around to socialize, but my PTSD makes me so afraid of everyone that I just don't do anything in public. I do get my groceries as needed with my head down and fast pace mode. I hope to never run into anyone. I know its not the way to live, but I just am so ingrained in this lifestyle that I haven't escaped it yet.

I hope you can get out and about and start seeing other people. Its much more healthy. Good luck.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@xena21 , I think I isolate in a different way. I'm not generally afraid of people that I can interact with on a superficial level (ie work colleagues), I'm more specifically afraid of friendships, I don't let people in.

 

[Beeby]

I've never felt like I fit in. Well, I fit in with other mentally ill people, but that's because we're...

They can probably feel your anxiety and your uncomfortability. I have been like this my whole life.....kind of shaky, and unfortunately others can sense it. It sucks actually.....I spend all of my days at work and within my personal interactions worrying about what I say and do, if I will be like and approved of. Its safer indoors....Nobody asks personal questions when your on your own, you don't shake and stumble when your on your own. Of course people notice. Complex ptsd is the most debilitating illness! I have lived with it since I was ten. But, the only way to overcome it is to slowly integrate yourself back into the world again, and read. Read read read......fill yourself with knowledge about how to overcome this horrendous disorder. It took me fifteen years to invite a friend to my house. But slowly I am finally having small interactions with friends. Its killing me; but its the only way to overcome this horrific state of mind.....this crippling illness.

 

[Gadgie]

I was going to start a new thread, but I found that there was about grief already, but it was an old thread, 2009, so I thought I would ask my question here, if that's OK with you.......

How long does grieving last for, I only ask as it's been eleven months now since my wife passed, and some days I feel like I'm over it, yet other days it really hits me hard, and hurts.

I just wanted to know from someone else who has gone through this.

 

[Chava]

I'm just plummeting at the moment, and I know that the worse thing I can do is to isolate,

Do you think it's the worst thing you can do, or are you beating yourself for believing you shouldn't isolate when feeling down? I ask because my beliefs about how connected I should be have sometimes been worse than the fact of my isolation. For one, I'm very introverted. All trauma aside, I'm introverted, quirky, and don't fit in many places. But, I also fail to make consistent efforts...like I want relationships but am not compelled to make close ones, so miss steps that others maybe take or just disappear.

I think I isolate in a different way. I'm not generally afraid of people that I can interact with on a superficial level (ie work colleagues), I'm more specifically afraid of friendships, I don't let people in.

I relate to this very much. I also relate a lot to concepts like avoidant attachment style. It's a long-standing thing, though I have had a couple good friendships in the past. They are fleeting and in early adulthood I stopped making efforts at relationships.

I haven't read every single post above, but I hear you feeling the need to also be independent. But the way to work on connecting more beyond the surface level, might be considering therapy. If you don't feel like the PTSD symptoms are too unmanageable you could look into a finding a therapist who could help more specifically with relational stuff, like connection, attachment issues, avoidance, etc.

On some level, it helps a lot for me to accept who I am sort of by default (introverted and avoidant). It takes down a lot of anxiety and beating myself up. I don't do that too much anymore. But I do have to make really conscious and selective choices about getting more connected to others (like, for me, I can't join a ton of groups...I'll just be exhausted and quit them all). I commit to a 12-step meeting (alcoholic) and getting to know those people better. I'm also considering a meditation group or other religious community, but if the principles don't really jive with me I just stop showing up.

It's a weird battle sometimes...I know I do my isolation to myself, but it also hurts to feel like I'm not right or don't belong. But with growing personal acceptance and the support of a therapist, I am learning to sooth and comfort myself and feel less freaked out by isolation (so therapy can help your independence, really). But I think the awareness of my stuff and connection to a therapist is also helping me better understand who and how I want to connect. I use to burn a lot of energy being superficially connected to way too many people. It's seem isolative now, but I'm pulling out of that habit and trying to accept fewer but more meaningful connections (and here's where I am learning more about my deep avoidance).

 

[Changing4Best]

I have had my husband and my parents die, as well as all my unborn children who I miscarried. I have never completely gotten over all this, even though there are some days now that I don't think of any of them. When the deaths first took place, my grief was deep and raw. Over time, like a few years, their deaths have not effected me quite so much. I have good days, not so good days and bad days concerning all of their deaths. @Gadgie

 

[GG2488]

I spend days and days alone.
I really wanted to start this year with a positive step. I find myself in bed all day again..
I know only I can change my situation but I can't move. I lay in my bed with a heavy heart and anxiety..
All day back and forth in my mind.. I wish all this would end. Then I must get up early get out of bed and get on with my life. Then I don't want to be here anymore. I know not why I am here? I do not enjoy being alive. Would death be easier?
I have never heard or read anyone else describe how I feel like the first message in this thread.
I isolate when I am feeling really bad as I can't hide it from people. I feel so alone. I just don't fit in anywhere. I don't understand people.
I don't want to be alone.
I know this will pass and like a drowning person I will gasp for air whilst I can..
:(

 

[GG2488]

I'm feeling so isolated, like there is not a place i can go to and fit in or be accepted. I feel tra...

I have never met anyone who felt the same as me.. Reading your words felt like you were reading my thoughts. My heart goes out to you as I know how heavy this feels on your heart.
I hope you are having better days now..
G x