How Do You Find The Words For Difficult Topics?

[Recovery4Me]

I really don't think I'm capable.

You do beautiful expression at the forum!
Freezing is a defense mechanism, (as you know so), it's all good! Be gentle & kind to you. (hugs) Have you considered writing it out and sharing it with the other party through E-mail? Conscious flow is less threatening and allows you time to place your words in a manner that you have confidence in.

Sometimes reading my pieces over (because I do conscious flow at home on a word doc) allows me identification with key concepts or emotions as well. This comes in handy at times when I do try to use my words during some conflict resolutions with my SO. If I start to get upset at his response, I say I am taking a time out..and will table the conversation on a agreed upon time (so I do not panic and jumble everything out wrong).

But with full humility, I am human, get flustered + blow it once in a while and stammer out my Navy Base responses. :oops: *So *%&$^# is equally effective for expressing myself if he is being an egghead.*:mad: AHEM-(Yet,I do not recommend this practice for constructive resolution).:giggle:

 

[Tinyflame]

I know what it is, I'm tired of being unable or incompetent or needing accommodations for what other people find simple. I sometimes try to explain why it's not simple, but it never seems to get understood, but it all remains difficult, the things people find 'easy'. I don't know if my whole lifetime of perspective and relationships have been skewed, and to what end it's my fault and will continue to be. I'm tired of being a disappointment all around. I cannot even begin to grasp no end in sight to this until I die, and I can't see how I will not continue to be 'at fault' or deficient if I can't manage to change my own self.[DOUBLEPOST=1402946647,1402946353][/DOUBLEPOST]Oh, hee @Recovery4Me , I double posted. Yes I can find all too many expletives at times too. :wideeyed:

Well, I was only trying to do what I am 'supposed' to & thought would be a 'healthy' way to deal with unhealthy thoughts & behaviours. And because I can't understand & need guidance. They don't want e-mail, they never answer. It can't be done that way.

Thanks though. :hug:[DOUBLEPOST=1402946741][/DOUBLEPOST]Yes I guess it is freezing/ fear (aka F-E-A-R). :(

 

[Recovery4Me]

I'm tired of being a disappointment all around.

You need a big ((((hug))))!!!!!!!
I validate that your feeling may feel real at the moment ....ahem but YOU have NOT disappointed me. So perhaps a wee-bit more positivity could be mustered. ;)
Such as:
You do express nicely on the board.
You are a comfort to some people.
And you are perfectly imperfect...as we all are.
What would you tell a friend that said that to you? Could you consider telling yourself something loving? If not...there are quite a few people here to chime in nice stuff until you are ready. :)

 

[Recovery4Me]

Sending more hugs and light your way Junebug.:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Recovery4Me :notworthy: .

I guess that's it R4M, I haven't disappointed you because you have no expectation. If anything you are reaching out in selfless kindness. I do disappoint others & myself though. I have tried thinking of it as the 'friend' thing, the trouble is with me being honest, I wouldn't feel that way about a friend but in this case I 'do' feel this way about myself, were I a 'friend' coming to 'me'. Notwithstanding there is no real point in a toxic inner voice, conversely though cutting myself slack seems a cop out & denial of often-proven facts. I think if I wasn't trying hard I could say that, but when I have tried I can't. It remains (factually) what it is.


If anything, my ability or energy to articulate or be supportive has deteriorated. :( I do provide minimal comfort, or work, but it's not enough for me though, does that make sense? I don't feel like it's a purpose, & I don't have any feelings about it.

Sending more hugs and light ..

That is very kind! Back to you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[Tanishq]

probably too kind for what I deserve! :notworthy:

Oh junebug please don't talk like this, you are here. You are talking here and you deserve kindness. You are worthy of it, just like good people are worthy of it. :)

"I just feel this way because of ptsd & therefore keep trying". It feels defeating & demoralizing. If anything, I'd rather 'disappear'!

I hear you. I understand that people around us should be lenient towards everyone rather than judging.

I thought I 'feared' it but I think it wasn't 'fear' just recognition (accurate).

Ok. I am listening to you.

I wish you rest & peace.

Thank you Junebug. My rest is going well.

More kind hugs to you. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Tanishq , :hug: 's for you.

"It's just the ptsd & keep trying" is what I've told myself. But what if it's not all the ptsd & I shouldn't keep trying? I should just accept when it's so.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Hey ((Junebug))!

I saw a movie yesterday concerning a woman whom had been isolated & raised to believe that unconditional love had to be earned by meeting her psychotic mother’s unrealistic expectations.
Therefore, in self-reflection I am revisiting my inner critic’s list today, and doing a little pruning.


I will lend you my garden tools, if you wish to fertilize your dreams and uproot the toxicity. Because for me, it is not a choice of negating recovery due to the smell of the dung, but how to take the crap life serves and rearrange it. I choose to use it to properly seed my roses. Smell the roses with me, lady.;)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Junebug, my heart goes out to you. You sound so ambilvilent about what you are capable of. I used to freeze and sometimes still freeze. But I keep on practicing on being assertive. Changes in oneself takes so much time and work. So many issues to work through and sort out.

I am now learning how to be confronting in a mature assertive way. It is still hard to teach myself the better way. I am not the most patient of people and I still tend to overreact at times but it is not as bad as it used to be.

Coming from our backgrounds, we had no healthy role models in healthy conversations with other.

You are a very tender, kind, and merciful person.

Fear of change is a huge one for me. But I take baby steps and am learning how to be silent sometimes because to say anything would be an exercise in futility.

But how is your self esteem right now? You seem very appropriate in your posts. I think you are doing better than you think you are and not as bad as you think you are.

I wish you some successes in becoming unstuck and unfrozen. Bit huge deals. Hugs for you sweetie.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Recovery4Me & @gizmo .

R4M, oh my, that's some movie! :tdown: Better a comedy? Eiy. I am not sure what dreams are, am not there yet. :inlove: (Roses) for you. :hug:

Giz, thanks as always for your kind words. :hug: Yes that's true.

I guess it's all a bit overwhelming at the moment. It doesn't matter, & by that I mean the only things I can choose & work on are my attitude, whether I make a deal about it, & my choices.

Thank you for your kindnesses. :hug:

 

[Tanishq]

I should just accept when it's so.

When I read this, I felt like you are finding a way to resolve the things you face. :)

Proud of you junebug. :hug: keep up the good work please. :)[DOUBLEPOST=1403086025,1403085860][/DOUBLEPOST]

You are a very tender, kind, and merciful person.

You seem very appropriate in your posts.

Excuse me gizmo, just want to say. I second this all and it's true about junebug. :)

 

[Tinyflame]

Aw @Tanishq , you are so kind. You all are. Thank you. :hug: :hug:

I feel more like soft-hearted & soft-headed. :( I get so mad at myself because I can't accomplish what I need to, even if the not-accomplishing makes it worse. It's so difficult to keep trying when the failing seems to make it worse. I feel like an arseh*le, anything but kind of heart.

I wish I could get my 'marbles' (mind) together. On one hand it's ok, on another my behaviours are getting worse, OTC over-medicating, (over everything, really). I went to the store late last night & ended up walking around. It's stupid, I know why to a certain degree -my mind, but I still end up doing it. I feel sick in & out.

I made up my mind to try again, yet maybe it's impossible. :(

(PS, @Recovery4Me , I heard what you said, & understand, re: not wallowing. I agree, am not sure if it's wallowing or best described as no energy (in a large way, the literal feeling like I imagine if you gave blood twice in a row), & also being all over the map/ hard to ground. But maybe that is wallowing/self/self-pity/fear?, I really don't know.)