"letting Go" In Therapy

[bitterfight_]

I'm seeing a new therapist (scratch that, he's a social worker) for my PTSD and TRD. Today was my first meeting with him, and we spent most of the session talking about cutting, and I didn't think it was in a healthy way. I understand he's providing information on why people usually do this, but it was really triggering for me, and I dissociated for a bit and just let him talk. Then, we got to why I feel the way I do. Also, I have PTSD from being severely bullied.

I'm very bitter when anyone asks me "well why did they bully you?" and he said it again, same thing as last time, and it really irritated me. People bully because people bully. They bullied me because they wanted to, for whatever selfish or "messed up" reasons they had. He suggested it was appearance based, which made me feel even worse.

Then, after I was extremely worked up, defensive, and irritated, he asked what our focus would be in therapy, and he suggested self esteem (which, hello, is a direct side-effect of my trauma??) and I just shrugged. Then he suggested that we work on "letting go" of the trauma, and moving forward. This, to me, irritated me even more. He kept saying how I needed to let go of the "feelings" associated with it all, and move forward and take control. See, I realize it's controlling my life, but it's not just feelings. It's the physical and cognitive parts that hinder me the most. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the panic attacks. I'm not just overly sad that I was traumatized. I underwent an assessment that was sent to him, and I do have PTSD, so I don't understand why he wants to focus so much on the emotional aspect of this. I am overly emotional, and bitter, and angry, yes, but I'm feeling so frustrated that I'm being told to let go of the feelings when I can't because the PHYSICALLY COGNITIVE aspects of this disorder FORCE me to remember.

 

[Jane.l]

To be honest it sounds like he is clueless and doing more damage than good - I would seriously want to deck someone who told me I needed to let go of the trauma . A social worker doesn't seem to be the right person to help you. Can you ask to see a therapist ?

 

[Pencil]

Slap him first, and then fire him. The faster the better.

 

[City Slicker]

Seriously, 'why did they bully you?' - really???? I have known some awesome social workers, - this doesn't sound like one. Ditch the guy, you are worth so much more than what you just got from him - do you have any other options for seeing someone?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Flee. He is clueless. I am so pissed off you had to listen to that crap. Now in the meantime, what can I do to help you and support you? I have been cutting for years and I was bullied at home, well, I still am. And there is NOTHING we did to deserve it or should we find some reason that we brought it on to ourselves. What an a..hole.

I may be off the mark, but it sounds to me that your priority right now is safety and trust. You are safe here on the forums. Whatever you want to express, you won't be judged and you'll probably find solace and validation. By the way, two very important qualities in a good trauma therapist.

I'll be satisfied when I can tolerate my feelings never mind letting go of them. Hang in there. Maybe you could find a trauma therapist from NAMI

 

[Chava]

Ditto safety and trust. Are you able to try a different counselor who could help more specifically with trauma? If I could have just "let go" of my intense or numbed out feelings I wouldn't have needed therapy. I don't cut anymore, but for me cutting happened in a really maxed-out place...feelings I couldn't manage at all...and also usually a fairly dissociative place. Letting go of feelings was what I was trying to do but couldn't!! Entering a relationship with a new therapist is always akward for me...I don't know if you think you could talk to your new therapist about how not right this feels and any idea of what you might need...or consider someone else. The therapy work shouldn't be easy but it shouldn't make you feel less safe than befre you started.

 

[StellaBlue]

Slap him first, and then fire him. The faster the better.

***SNORT*** :)

 

[Sarah2732]

I spent most of the session talking about cutting, and I didn't think it was in a healthy way. I understand he's providing information on why people usually do this, but it was really triggering for me, and I dissociated for a bit and just let him talk.

He suggested it was appearance based, which made me feel even worse.

Then he suggested that we work on "letting go" of the trauma, and moving forward. This, to me, irritated me even more.

How "letting him go"!!??

Seriously! I do think starting with a new therapist when you have made some progress and have some self awareness is (extra) awkward and frustrating because they don't know what page you are on, but it sounds like this guy was not at all perceptive or sensitive or client focused. Sounds like the kind of T who could do more harm than good. :-(

 

[bitterfight_]

@Jane.l , trust me, I wanted to deck him. He noticed how angry I was because he was like "you seem very angry about what happened to you" and I was like "I am" and then he said "you seem to be very traumatised by the bullying" and all I could think was - no shit? I have PTSD. I know my GP wrote "Generalized Anxiety with Anger Outbursts" on my file when she sent it to him, but I have been medically diagnosed with PTSD by two other professionals (one was in a mental health assessment, the other was by a trauma therapist). Yeah, I was nervous because the qualifications of a social worker don't match that of a trauma therapist here in my province... I was seeing a trauma therapist for 5-ish months, but when I couldn't afford it anymore (she was a private psychologist) things turned sour with her and our *relationship basically blew up. I just feel really alone right now..

*I hope relationship is the right word???

@Pencil, lmao. Good advice, but I'm not that type of a person, although I wish I was sometimes!!

@City Slicker, yeah. That's exactly why I said "seriously?" and "really?" to him and explained to him that a bully will bully because of their choice. We can blame it on a bad life, or mental health issues, or poor self esteem, or whatever shit excuse we want to, but we're not putting the blame on the fact that it was THEIR ACTION. THEIR CHOICE. Sorry haha I'm just fuming right now. It's really not helping my insomnia at all. I don't know what to do though, because I'm stuck with him right now. I'm in a clinical study for depression over at the hospital across town, but he's just the psychiatrist. He asked me to contact him if I needed anything, but I don't know if I should bring this up with him, or bring it up with the mental health outpatient clinic that I'm seeing the social worker at.. I don't know what to do! Or if I should email the local CHMA/CMHA or whatever they're called and see if someone can find me a trauma therapist through them. The only issue is that I need to be at the outpatient clinic to still be in the clinical study.. AGH. Other than that bs, I could still go back to my former trauma therapist, and I'm sure she would accept me, but I'm still not over how our *relationship blew up.

*I hope relationship is the right word???

@KwanYingirl, I want to, I really do. I just need someone to tell me, given my options, what to do next. Yeah, I can't believe I had to listen to it either, but thank god that since I've been diagnosed with PTSD I don't listen to that kind of BS anymore. I just don't have the time for that crap. I used to wallow in it, but no way. I need to get better, not worse. Thank you so much, even just the support is comforting. Even just some guidance on what my options like what I should do is good. I'm sorry to hear you have been cutting for years (I have too.. unfortunately), and have been (and continue to be) bullied at home. I know what that's like, except I got more of it from my junior high. Exactly!! That's what angered me is that he actually said, word for word, "what did they bully you about?" because what does it matter? I changed myself into a completely different person and it still didn't stop the bullying! Blaming the victim is NEVER right. Ugh I'm so angry I can't even think straight. Yes, I usually come to the forums when I feel so lost like this. You are all so comforting and it's nice to know I'm not alone in these feelings. PTSD is such a horrible disorder. I hate it. Yes, well I found validation from my old trauma therapist, but I found myself very judged. Unfortunately, I live in Canada, so we don't have NAMI. We have CHMA/CMHA, and the outpatient clinics, and private psychologists that costs money. Yes I will be satisfied when I can tolerate my feelings too, let alone "move on"/"let go" of them.

@Chava, I had a trauma therapist, but our relationship deteriorated very quickly and pretty badly when I told her I was moving on to see another T because I couldn't afford spending 100 every single time I saw her. She was really great though and REALLY helpful and we made good progress given that my PTSD was late to be diagnosed (7 years later). Woah. That. Right there. I still cut, occasionally, but I definitely cut when the (literally! as you said!) maxed out feelings come into play. I described it to him today as wanting to break myself.. Like, being a vase and wanting to smash myself to pieces. I have a lot of inward/intense rage, and I don't know how to control it, or I'd be totally dissociated/anxious and needed a way to get out of that, so I'd cut. I can manage the anxiety and dissociation now with different techniques, so no more cutting for that, but the anger/rage/sadness parts, basically mood regulation, I need help with. The therapy isn't easy, I was doing it with my old T, but it was working. This whole "letting go" process is making me extremely irritable. I'd let it go, if I could!! I want to just shout this into the void haha.

@Sarah2732, he actually said "letting go" not "letting him go" but it's sort of the same thing given my trauma and situations. Yeah, I don't know.. It's not the starting on a new page, and not knowing what page I'm on, but it's as if he doesn't want to admit that I have PTSD or something. I recognize that it doesn't say it on ONE letter (from my idiotic GP), but there are multiple other assessments that I've undergone, and all of those ones state that I do indeed have PTSD. This guy just seems really against treating that and I feel like he's dancing around the issues. I'm so angry right now.. I just feel so invalidated.

 

[Chava]

Invalidation from a therapist is the worst. I think a lot of my trauma is blended in with invalidation...leads to the horrible non-self, non-existence feelings. And the whole payment/insurance thing sure sucks. Probably you can't see your old therapist on a less-frequent schedule? Any social workers with some more trauma expertise? I knew one who did EMDR (though I've never tried that).

 

[Laura 2]

@bitterfight_ That specimen is a totally clueless moron. Do not go back at any cost. He will just do more damage whilst patting himself on the back for having tried to help.

Couple of weeks ago, I was asked by a psychiatrist why the tw@t who is stalking me is stalking me.... I couldn't believe it either. Initially I tried yet again to reach into the mind of an obsessive sociopath to see if I could discern why. It's a seriously crazy-making exercise. I told the psych this and said that I just do not know and asked her why she thought I would know.

It's just wrong to target others and abuse them, it causes terror and injury. That is all there is to it. As a target or victim, I definitely don't have to explore and explain my persecutor's deranged mindset or criminal intent. (Still less do I have to sit and work out what part my innocent, normal activities or behaviour has played in the persistent criminal activity - aka CBT to some degree or other).

To her (minimal) credit, the psych soon got the total irrationality of her question.

This type of ineptitude though is one reason I ALWAYS voice record appts, discussions etc with professionals (and make notes about how I felt in response to [whatever] ). They are just people and, essentially, as irrational and misguided as the rest of us. However, they do have the power to misrepresent the conversation according to their self-defensive notes which, in a contentious situation, are always believed whilst our reports are not.

if I should bring this up with him, or bring it up with the mental health outpatient clinic that I'm seeing the social worker at..

But, yes, do get in touch with your psych asap and try that route to get a trauma-qualified therapist (not a social worker). Ask specifically about their qualifications and experience.

Cutting is another sx none of them understand. Yet they're all so full of theories.

And don't get me started about this 'letting go' b/s. It's the first and last refuge of a 'professional' who hasn't the first idea of how to treat trauma victims and of people who just want you to put-up-and-shut-up. It has been suggested over and over to me in the last decade.

So I formulated a technique to deal with that if they really persist. It involves what I explicitly invite them to participate in and clearly describe as a 60 second thought experiment. In my best, super-calm, professional, rational voice, I explicitly pretend that I'm a stalker and tell them how [repeating some of my experiences as a target] I am going to stalk them and no one will do anything about it because no one cares about stalking and it will go on for years and years, your life will be destroyed and you will be in constant terror. It literally does take only a minute or so. And then I explicitly say something like, "That's 60 seconds over. The thought experiment is finished. How do you feel?"

Really, it's a gestalt technique - being immersed in the whole situation of another. The results are most often amazing. They get it. They get why 'letting go' is not even in the ball park. I remember that one clueless dork of a know-it-all social worker was in tears after only 30 seconds or so, another tosser therapist was clutching her throat and couldn't breathe...
(But it is vital that you flag up very clearly that this is a thought experiment and voice record the appt. in case they want to spin the experiment as you threatening them, which has never happened when I've done it).

It's worth bearing in mind though that my cleverness hasn't changed a thing for me (but I hope these dorks will be more compassionate towards other abuse targets in the future). Now, I simply don't bother to work with people like your social worker and waste my time on them. I move on. What I've discovered is that a) most people don't understand what abuse does to a person or b) if they do then they bury their own experiences in a welter of 'professional' and administrative self-defence which renders them ineffective in practice - and c) there are a precious few psychs/therapists who do get it: you have to keep looking for them.

 

[Pencil]

I'm trying to teach my 8 yo daughter to counter stupid questions with questions - and the interesting thing is that it is generally hard to handle stupid questions, so progress is slow.
E.g.: "Why do have so many teddies?"
Answer:
Why do you want to know?
Why shouldn't I?
Do you think there is a limit to the number of teddies a child can have?
Why do you ask so many questions?
Why do you ask so many stupid questions?
Do you always ask so many questions?
Why should I answer that?

We are thrown by stupid questions - and so is the originator of the stupid question when we counter with a question.

Q: "Why did they bully you?"

A: "Why did they bully YOU? Oh, you were not bullied? Why not?"

Q: "Why is he stalking you?"

A: _________________ [fill in the blank]

Start practicing - if you can't slap them physically slap them with their own stupidity.