How Do You Find The Words For Difficult Topics?

[Tinyflame]

Dear @Tanishq thank you. :hug: Well it would probably be a better thing if 'being myself' included being more or different than I am, lol. But I can't be someone else.

Actually it seems wrong to me to reveal their 'faults' if it's my side of the story (only), being human nature what it is.

Oh well.

Hugs for you. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

I think unless something changes I am going to let her come here if she wants. There are 2 of us here, the 3 of us all don't argue & are ok together, it would cost her a flight but of course no accommodation or food costs etc & a car here she could use at any time I am sure. If she wants. Or doesn't.

I hope that's an "ok" choice on my part? I feel selfish, but I guess I have to accept my limitations & that also I am a nervous wreck.

I wish I could find a way to address or squash this stuff ('myself') for once & for all. I find it hard to 'persevere' just because I'm 'supposed' to. Although that is what I've basically always done. I tend to think of the only option otherwise as 'not existing' or not being around. But maybe there's another way I just don't know how to achieve or I haven't experienced.

Thank you @Tanishq . :hug:

 

[rainy_daze]

But the 'not feeling'- sometimes outright numbness- is that not my own selfishness & does that not make ME an a**hole?

No, I don't think that's selfishness or being an ass. I think that's part of PTSD, IMHO. Or maybe it's part of relationships when people have treated or hurt you badly, or sent hate letters.

I think it's understandable you don't have close relationships with the sisters who have done things to upset you, tell lies and have said:

I was always told it was my fault, & I was am a freak/ unlovable/ to blame/ 'all my fault'/ I will fail.

Also, making sure you minimise how stressful it is to see one of them by having her visit with you and your sister, that's just you looking after yourself Junebug. It's also kind that you've considered that you have transport for her, offering your home and food. Again, I don't think that's being selfish. Everyone needs to look after themselves. If you've tried relationships with siblings and they haven't worked out or can't be close, well you did your best. I mean that. I think your friend had a point when he said about the loving from a distance, especially if anger and resentment is mostly what gets thrown your way.

You're being very hard on yourself, and I wonder if that's from being repeatedly told that things are your fault. You clearly feel and think about things a great deal, it's evident in this thread. I'm not picking up any "feeling-less monster" vibes from you either. I don't know what it's like to be you, but I do know what it's like to feel numbness, emptiness and disconnected from people I care about. I rarely feel this now, but I used to a lot.

I hope the next while goes fine for you, and you can enjoy some time with your sister (if she visits). I hope you can switch off the inner critic that verbally bashes you down and silence any self-blame you are carrying around. I don't think it will achieve anything. If I had ideas on how to help with that I would give you them. All I can think is to remember that everyone makes mistakes or regrets things, but if we think about them too much then we forget to live in the present.

This is the part of your thread I hope you remember when things are hard:

Plus I have realized within myself more what I need to heal, or what's important to me, more than I realized I knew.

maybe that will help counteract:

I wish I could find a way to address or squash this stuff ('myself') for once & for all

You know what's important to you and what you need to heal, now there will be some ways to get there. One day at a time, maybe?

Do you think you're any further forward on finding the words you need for difficult topics Junebug? :hug:s for you Junebug, because I think you deserve one. You're dealing with lots in the stress cup, so take care of you.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @rainy_daze , I am not very 'eloquent' this morning but I thank you from my heart. Your words are very kind, very wise, & I actually think despite my inner critic or self-blame likely spot on. I have a hard time 'believing' it in my heart, but not trying to be difficult just actually 'believe' it, if that makes sense. Somehow 'believe' I'm not just telling myself some lie.

But you are very right I think.

Even as per visiting, 'last' I heard sister would have to see her Dr every week. But neither I nor my sister here were going to go for more than a few days. Considering we can less afford not working (she is retired), & perhaps could even pay her flight here (versus us paying for 2), that would be more realistic. Even not paying her flight, as it appears they could afford it when we really can't, although one never really knows the truth with them, but neither one of us has or ever had a history of expecting (ourselves) to be put up for free or 'entertained'. So this way it also leaves it to what she wants.

I also know we get along fine together but even apart from 'protecting myself' if we/ I were there with the other sister it would be short haste before she was going ballistic.

Actually, you reminded me of something @rainy_daze . In 2007/ by 2008 I was really feeling & doing so much better. I felt so much stronger. But I really was taking baby steps and doing small & sane/ healing things consistently that were important to me. I've often wondered how I could get back to that stability/ more peace/ joy but I guess that's the way.

I guess too it does make finding some words less difficult. Also I don't feel very brave but just so tired or worn-out & under-the-weather it sort of makes it easier to just 'say it'. Some of it is just not as inclined to 'hide it', I think. Just try to say (ALL) the truth. The Ugly Truth as it were but more 'complete'.Try at least.

Also, I never feel very 'engaged' in life when someone is ill, & there almost always seems to be someone ill. Like some guy complimented me walking home this morning, I thought "are you crazy?" I mean beyond how I feel & zero interest I feel like I look like a total wreck, which makes work difficult as well. Especially since too I have new clients, in an area with such focus/ high expectation. There's not much wiggle-room for looking or being exhausted or frazzled or devastated, & I feel like look & feel like both. It's getting harder to 'fake it'.

Thank you so much Dear RD I will re-read, & gentle hugs back for you as well. :hug: :hug: :hug: :inlove:

 

[Tanishq]

I tend to think of the only option otherwise as 'not existing' or not being around. But maybe there's another way I just don't know how to achieve or I haven't experienced.

Dear @Junebug Did you see this? I am happy to see this.

You just searched out gentle thoughts and accepted where you are at the moment to find other options. Your mind thinks there are options and you just need to find them out. So now you don't need to push yourself either. You don't need to beat up for not able to find them.

You didn't beat up after saying that quote I am pointing at the moment.

This is what I wanted to tell you. You can find gentle thoughts and work them out.

Well, but let's see if my response makes sense to you or not. It is still early to prove gentle thoughts point, isn't it? We will work it out.

Kind hugs to you :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Sweet @Tanishq thank you, I see a bit. Yes am not quite there but I said that to try to think 'healthier'. I don't feel very hopeful. But, you are right, I am mostly gentle but not to myself, then I can be potentially very violent to myself in terms of words & deeds.

I did think, I am going to say 2 phrases to myself, one I relied on years ago & one that was 'newer'. I think the first I need.

It also came to me one thing that might help but it is going to be difficult for me to do. But difficult or not it's necessary I suspect.

I must run to work, ohoh!! Gentle:hug: :hug: :hug: 's for you. :inlove:

 

[Tinyflame]

I managed to find some words! :wideeyed: :notworthy:

I think it's very helpful to tell the truth & say the worst things/ thoughts/ fears. To actually 'say' them (out loud).. PTSD/ trauma/ my thoughts confuse me left to myself.

I am very grateful.

 

[Tinyflame]

I learned so much today:

Apparently despite my fears, the reason I haven't been able to offer more to my sister away is because really this is all I can 'healthily' do. Not because of just 'me' but all of the realities. But it's 'good'/ 'the best'/ ok. What a relief!

And it's not as 'detestable' (or I am not) as I'm just 'myself'. When I think about it, my presence or lack of hasn't seemed to change how others' feel- they too are 'themselves'.

I have also taken to heart equally everyone's words, whether they were toxic or not.

I am very thankful for being able to say the truth, & feel grateful & peaceful.

I am not sure if I should post this, it seems oddly ironic with such a wonderful day, & perhaps it's silly to say. I've had an odd but possibly serious physical symptom lately- well equally it may be nothing, though my mom had it when she was ill, though it was actually a 'good' sign with her cancer. But I can't help to notice. I don't think I let myself think of it- well for one thing my sister is ill & the sister here has really high blood pressure, & I worry about her & her lifestyle/ dangers. I don't have a Dr, but a clinic could likely figure it out. If I go & it's nothing of course I'd feel foolish & wasting their time. If it's positive however I would be pressured to potentially follow what they said, & I'd have to tell my sister. It would not be a good time.

But the strange thing is, for the first time after dealing all this time with the suicidal ideation, I would feel sad to 'go'. How ironic, & yet in it's own way how wonderful to feel that! I'm not sure what to say. I know I've ignored my body & treated it fairly poorly, but I feel so happy & fortunate today, so much I've learned I didn't know. Or can accept, maybe?

Probably just silly ramblings! Anyway, I ate properly today & hope to quit smoking within a day or so, & that will help. And I felt actually 'human'/ happy. I put up my hair & was out in the beautiful sunshine! :)

I feel that all of it together will help me be more thankful & more at peace each day.

 

[rainy_daze]

Please go to the clinic as soon as you can. You will not be wasting time and it does not make you foolish, even though I know it's easy to think like that sometimes.

That post is a huge breakthrough I think Junebug :hug:. None of it is silly.

And I felt actually 'human'/ happy. I put up my hair & was out in the beautiful sunshine!

What a fantastic day :happy: you deserve days like that, as many as possible [on grey days here, I miss the sunshine, it's such a wonderful thing]. Yay for you. Also you ate properly :tup: and you're getting ready for quitting smoking. It's so good to read these things, I'm glad you found your words.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you so much @rainy_daze , well 'given' the words really, & tried the best I could. It's the feedback that helps, & starting again. I can't do it on my own. And if they were unkind or such I couldn't I'd clam up. If they were angry they didn't let on so, at all.

Come to think of it, I am afraid when speaking of myself of an angry response, in general.

Yes it's hard to explain this in 'words' but it's a big shift in understanding. I recognize how ptsd contributes but there really 'are' choices, I couldn't imagine that before. I'm not one who finds it easy to not see things as only my own responsibility to 'fix', it's hard to 'say things' when I feel toxic to others, or I feel have failed them or caused harm, or am 'defective' & 'contagious', or ask for help, or go to a Dr. (But a couple of times I've had awful physical problems & they went away. :tup: ).

I wish for you these days too RD. :hug: Amazingly I think I could appreciate things more, it's a real relief.

I was thinking too, the past doesn't really matter (to me). It's done so if I can recognize when I'm sinking just to stop there or be selective/ discriminating in looking for guidance out of it. That's why I say don't take angry words to heart. They would be angry with or without you there, whether or not you have ptsd or not too. :hug:

(PS, I hope you got your chocolate. :) :hug: I actually went & bought milk- first time (for myself) in about 25 years! :eek: Should have bought chocolate milk :p )

 

[Mystery]

Junebug, when I have to do this, I fill my heart with unconditional love for both myself and the person I am going to speak to. I imagine that I am talking to a precious child and that I am a loving parent. Even if what I'm saying is about myself, I try to maintain my heartspace and let my words flow freely without censoring them. I just focus on keeping the love in my heart.

When the person talks I put my tongue on the roof of my mouth to remind myself to listen until it is my turn. When there is a silence I allow space for the other person to fill it, so that they feel heard. If they say something that I disagree with I say 'I'm hearing you and I feel....such and such..' When they are talking I give them plenty of non-verbal feedback so that they know I'm actually listening and taking in what they are saying. I make sure I am facing them and there are no other distractions like tv or people around.

If I go blank, I say 'sorry I'm having a mental blank', so that they don't get paranoid, which helps me not to feel anxious. I keep my tone low and non threatening. I smile if I can. If they cause me to feel afraid by their non verbal cues or actual words I say 'I don't feel safe to answer that question/keep discussing at the moment'. If they are a safe person they will usually try to be kinder and more caring and If they are an unsafe person, they may react with hostility, in which case, I write them a letter from a heartspace of love.

 

[Tinyflame]

That is very wise @Mystery , thank you!

I do try to do that at work (though I usually can't sit, but they realize), though I must admit I don't think of 'love for myself'.

But that is really good advice for personally as well, because I could see that reducing fear & helping to be more relaxed & present. Sometimes I try to think something similar when I am gripped by feelings of mistrust or reserve or fear, or I can't recall in the moment good memories or reasons to trust.

I tried to not censor- rather find- words myself yesterday. I'm not sure I could have done that without trust. It helped a lot.

Thank you! :hug: