Lack Of Emotion...numbness

[xena21]

I have known I was always a very stoic person, but my Mother is like that too. The thing is, it is disturbing to me that I can't connect to many things that have happened in the past or present day. I just disconnect or go numb.

My dog just had to be euthanized a little more than a week ago, and I have hardly cried for her. I live alone, and she was my companion for 15 years. SHe was the one thing on earth that kept me stable every day, and I don't have the ability to cry for her? It seems pathetic.

My therapist wants me to talk about things and I can't even imagine discussing things because I have no connection to anything. I live in a different world. I am so disconnected to the past that I can't connect to emotions at all. The only emotion I feel is complete anger. When I get triggered I feel enraged, and my blood pressure goes up, my heart rate goes up, and I get tunnel vision. It lasts all day after that. The rest of the day is ruined and a lot of the time I end up hurting myself to distract.

How do others deal with this lack of emotion or disconnect when they deal with PTSD? Have they had this problem at all?

 

[AlignUpABQ]

Yes, I definitely have. For me, I was in a freeze state. You're probably in shock right now with your dog being gone. What would feel good right now?

 

[franciemarnie]

It took me 25 years for my grandmother's death to hit me. And boy did it hit me like a tsunami.

The sadness is there. It is buried I believe. Your body will hold it until it knows it is safe to cry.

At least this has been my experience.

As you release more trauma energy over time, the range of your emotions will become greater. There will be pain and sadness but also the ability to feel joy too.

Somatic therapy worked for me to let go what my body held in for decades, unbeknownst to me.

I am sorry for your loss, and the damn PTSD.

 

[shell]

I had been numb I suspect for probably nearly ten years and perhaps longer, that's what happens when your overwhelmed emotionally.

Journalling with the non-dominate hand helped me, writing back and forth and answering the questions with the non-dominate hand.

Using your non-dominate side of your brain apparently stimulates the emotional side of your brain. I thought it was a load of crap when I started but after several months I started feeling again, also really helps being grounded and in your body.

My T had me feeling the water on my body, concentrating on my breath and working on being mindful, when I hyperventilate I get tunnel vision. Breathing slowly from your stomach helps to fix that. Breath holding, breathing shallowly stuffs down emotions, I wasn't aware I was doing it. I notice it now, because in therapy I will suddenly gasp for breath because my body takes over, it's a good way of me recognizing I am overwhelmed.

Several years later and now I can't turn the waterworks off, the words of a song are enough to make me cry. It's either all or nothing in my case, I can still numb out if I am not present in my body, and I start breathing shallowly.

I am sorry you lost your dog.

 

[GWhizz]

I feel the same way. All I feel is angry. Though I read on another post here recently that anger is in a fact a secondary emotion. Basically I feel my anger masks my true emotions. I also think disconnection is a protective mechanism. But at this point in time when the trauma is no longer actively occurring, we need to unlock our emotions to deal with the past traumas, so we don't self harm etc in order to 'help us feel'. Please try to take care of yourself. I'm sorry to hear about your dog

 

[KwanYingirl]

Numb is my middle name. I go to therapy and my T has a box of Kleenex and two stuffed animals next to where I sit. It pisses me off! I just want to open the window and throw them out. I get wicked flashbacks and anxiety but cannot cry. Reiki is waking my body up. It is sort of nerve wracking because I know I have a lot of repressed memories. I am terrified to meet them head on.

 

[risingsun]

My dog just had to be euthanized a little more than a week ago

I am so sorry about your dog. Ours had to be euthanized couple of months ago after 16 years. I have felt numb to it since it happened as well. I cried when they put her down, but since I walked out of that vet's office, I've felt utterly numb about it. Slowly, though, I'm starting to really really feel it and its hitting me.

I think it is only natural that we feel numb to it. It is too painful and too surreal since they were our 'everyday.' I keep going over to her bed that is no longer there to walk her or hug her, yet she's not there. They bring such joy and yet their lifespan is so short? I have felt disconnected since she's left us. But I see it like we were so connected to them that 'disconnection' is the right kind of emotion because we have been disconnected from them, at least physially. At least until we meet them again.

Everyday has felt so different. I feel like I am just going through the motions. I am so sorry to you. I can empathize and relate. Rising Sun.

 

[xena21]

I have felt disconnected since she's left us.

Yes! Disconnected...that's what I have felt. Sorry I have been away. I have been in the hospital for a few days. I am sorry you feel the same way though. Its such a horrible thing to lose a wonderful part of your life!!

I keep seeing her around me, and saying out loud to her and then realizing she isn't there. It's so miserable, but then my iron shield comes up in an instant and I feel nothing!. I never feel anything. I am so numb. It's such a horrible thing to be so numb about one of your closest treasures yet you know you can't face it or that will be the end.

I want to feel her again, but I'm so afraid.

 

[xena21]

You're probably in shock right now with your dog being gone. What would feel good right now?

Thanks for your response. I was in the hospital for a few days. Things had been building. My dog dying had put things over the edge. Right now I am trying to build things up into a schedule that is doable. I want to wake up and feel like I can make it thru the day. I want to feel like I have a purpose in life you know?

I only really had a purpose in taking care of my dog Abby. She was so pure and lovable. I would hide my self harm from her because she didn't like it. I am on disability so I don't work right now. I feel like a piece of of %#$@. I hate myself. So there isn't much in life anymore. I just try and find different goals to achieve each day. Then at the end of the day I'm done for that day.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Xena I am sorry to hear you needed hospital. I hope you feel a little better. You are right about dogs. Their love is pure and unwavering. I have loved all my dogs I don't have a favorite I love them all. Losing a dog is the saddest I get. I've known many people that have died but when it's my dog I am as sad as can be. Time lessens the pain so it's tolerable. Cry. What more can you give but the cry of love?

 

[AlignUpABQ]

Xena, sending a hug!

 

[xena21]

I also think disconnection is a protective mechanism. But at this point in time when the trauma is no longer actively occurring, we need to unlock our emotions to deal with the past traumas

You are right. I just talked to my therapist yesterday about being disconnected all the time. She pretty much said the same thing. She had talked about doing a little bit at a time. I guess I can see that as a goal. The thing is, my anger is so intense it covers every other emotion.

I try to do an exercise for my therapist in feeling something and as soon as some kind of emotion like sadness comes to the surface, anger erases everything. I disconnect immediately from the sadness and then the anger takes hold because of my ineptness as a human for not being able to connect to anyone or anything. I feel so freakish for being so numb all time.

I talked to a lady the other day about her losing her bunny a few years ago , and she had tears in her eyes. She asked me about losing my dog (which was less than 2 weeks ago) and I talked about it like it referred to a shopping list. I was like a robot. No connection at all...for my dog I just lost! I felt so angry at myself. What a loser I am. That's what always happens.