Forgiveness -v- Acceptance

[Suzetig]

This week my therapist asked me if I had forgiven my parents for their treatment of me growing up. Not in a judging way, thinking that I should have but more out of interest. I said I hadn't and she asked if I more had a sense of acceptance and I replied that I did. Thinking about it though, I'm not sure what the difference is.

I don't hold anger towards them, I understand to some extent why they behaved the way they did and I have some sympathy for their situation. I don't think that lessens or negates the impact on me, I still need to deal with the consequences and I still maintain a fairly distant relationship with them, which is as much as I can manage or want. So, is that forgiveness or is there more to it?

In terms of acceptance, I accept that their behaviour was driven in some part by their inability to cope with everything life dealt them and in some ways they were traumatised themselves. I don't think they purposely set out to be cruel, but they were nonetheless and that's left me where I am now.

I plan to explore this with my therapist next week but thought it was worth tapping into the wisdom of the good people here too.

 

[risingsun]

Thinking about it though, I'm not sure what the difference is.

It sounds as though you have definately accepted why they acted as though they did. With acceptance, I think you have gained understanding and great wisdom. Not many people can look back and see why their parents (or anyone for that matter) acted as though they did.

As for forgiveness, I think that happens when it stops bothering your inner core. And I don't think you have to necessarily associate or be in the same proximity of someone to forgive them, especially if you feel it is not healthy to your being. And sometimes, when you reach a certain point in your healing, you can associate if you so choose. Forgiveness means laying it all down; everything they did and did not do. Forgiveness is more like setting yourself free from the memories, the hurt, the tears and the anger. It means moving foward knowing that the past will not pull you back any longer. It is a transformation into the woman you are meant to be; A woman who has learned about pain and suffering and has great great wisdom and strength. It sounds as though you are already on your way. Blessings to you, Rising Sun

 

[Mystery]

Suzetig, I have a problem with this too. I have forgiven my two adult life abusers, this only happened in recent years. The forgiveness came, for me, in realizing just how abusive their own childhood's were. It has also helped to watch them age and see how unhappy and unfullfilling their lives are turning out to be. On some level, I also feel more complicit in the trauma I endured at their hands because it was my choice to be partnered to them both.

However, I have a hard time with the concept, regarding my parents. Like you, I understand why and how all their problems came about, so I guess that's acceptance. The problem I have, is that they have never changed and that now that I'm a parent and Grandparent myself, I see how neglectful and abusive they were as each years goes by. I've tried feeling sorry for them, pity really. I've tried blocking them out (I don't have anything to do with either of my parents and their partners). The other problem is that I didn't ever get any type of genuine remorse from them. So no, I don't forgive them, I deserved better.

I have said goodbye to them in my own mind, they are dead to me. I've tried looking into their souls, in a visualization type of way. I've even tried looking at my natal astrology chart, in order to forgive them. None of it worked completely. I don't feel bitter and resentful either. I understand that they just have completely different values and priorities in life, as well as education and the generations and culture that they were brought up in. I get it that they both have personality disorders of some kind.

For me, maintaining my right to not accept or forgive what they did to me, is where I need to stay in order to maintain my understanding that what they did and didn't do for and to me was wrong. I just don't get all eaten up with this either. Why is there this big focus on forgiveness? Somewhere, something has been passed down in our culture that says if we don't forgive, it's unhealthy for us. Maybe it started in the Bible, I don't know. Do we forgive Hitler or OBL? I don't and I never will. I know that's an extreme example but for me it highlights the fact that we don't always have to forgive the big stuff. Childhood and families are the big stuff for me, anyway.

Some things should not be forgiven imho. They can be let go of, forgotten, dismissed, understood and all sorts of healthy things for the individual who was the victim/survivor. Also, we all understand the word forgiveness according to our own way of looking at things. In the end they are just all words. I think what matters is that, our abuse and neglect has been given a narrative and our way of looking at our parents, isn't eating us up every day. Understanding, humility, maturity, insight, spiritual love, letting go, rising above, being enlightened and gracious. These are the things that matter to me.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think getting well and healing and recovering is more important that the concept of forgiveness. I believe forgiveness is a process that does not mean what your abusers did was forgivable either.

I think hatred and bitterness is what forgiveness is for. To cut the chains to your abusers and you do not have to have anything more to do with them again if they are not sincerely sorry and change themselves around to be better people.

I think acceptance is a good thing. It makes you more than your abusers.

My own father told me that if he had it to do over, he would do the same things all over again. Thus I separated from him and he died two years ago and I felt nothing. Just the thought that he would never be able to hurt anyone ever again made me feel good.

I think there is a lot of bad information about forgiveness. A person cannot forgive a person who hurt another. It has no place.

It is a process like I said where you are not being buried alive by hatred and bitterness anymore. That you accept them as they are and you make the choice to have anything to do with them. Ever again.

I sure hope this made sense. In forgiveness, you are never to forget about what your abusers did to you because then they could go on abusing you. That is a lie, there is no such thing in my opinion of forgive and forget.

There are a lot of books on Forgiveness and I have some.

In one of the books it says you have to find one remnant of humanity in your abuser and I think that is a process that takes as long as it takes.

Forgiveness is more a gift you give to yourself in my opinion. Hugs.

 

[Mystery]

Great insight Gizmo:tup:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Mystery.

 

[Dana1010]

I think there is a lot of bad information about forgiveness. A person cannot forgive a person who hurt another. It has no place.

As I begin the healing journey in earnest (I think) I am thinking back on all the forgiveness work I did and realizing that it was counterproductive. Maybe it's a little easier for some people, but for me it was just thwarting the discharge of trauma and stuffing it down. There is an idea out there that you can't heal until you forgive, and I think that is perfectly backwards; you can't forgive until you heal. I repeat: You can't forgive until you heal.

You need to address your own wounds as they are today. Stop worrying about the manner in which they were inflicted, by whom, and what weapons were used. You have a wound that needs to be healed. That's all that matters now.

If I can stop ruminating on their injustices, the hate, bad memories and resentment, and start enjoying my life again, that's all the forgiveness I require.

 

[Mystery]

For me, forgiveness is always possible when someone apologizes and is truly and obviously sorry for what they did and didn't do, then go about making sure they demonstrate their contrition and repairing the relationship. Without that, it's pointless.

 

[Suzetig]

My goodness, thanks everyone for such thoughtful replies, there's lots for me to think about and I'll reply more fully when I have proper time.

There are a couple of things that stand out for me though. @gizmo The idea of finding the humanity in the person that's wronged you is important to me, because I know I can easily demonise people. @dana100 I do wonder how possible it is to forgive before I've healed because the healing process itself involves ruminating (in a healthy way) on what's happened and making sense of it.

@Mystery, I appreciate your honesty about your own situation - part of my wondering is whether its always possible or even desirable to forgive. I get the argument that says you set yourself free by forgiving but I don't see how I can be free while I'm still so impacted by their behaviour to me, which brings me back to whether its truly possible to forgive before you heal or whether forgiveness is necessary in order to heal. @rising sun, thank you for your thoughts, I can see forgiveness possibly following acceptance in the way you describe - maybe it just needs time and healing.