Relationship Help, Just Help!!

[scaredsilly]

This is my first post on this forum. I am here because I am scared to death for a friend, and she is shutting me out completely.

Something traumatic has happened, and I don't know what. Because she won't talk to me. Every time I come near her she acts like I am going to attack her or something. She can't get out of my presence fast enough. Yesterday and today it was almost like the old friend was coming back, but she again is clamming up around me (sometimes in a matter of hours it's flip flop on whether she will talk to me or shut me out). In the past 24 hours she has shared only the bare minimum with me, but at least that's better than nothing. But later today, clam up again. Every time she sees me online she gets off. She has said "I just need space and time." Ok, I get that.

But why is it that you seem to have no problem talking to someone else? Because she has. I think of this woman as my dearest friend and even family. The traumatic event is very recent. I do not believe it is domestic violence, but I believe a horrible tragedy has occurred or is occurring in her life and I have no idea why she would want to shut me out. We have shared so much, why now? Believe me, I've heard much that would curl people's hair from this woman about things that have occurred to her since childhood. Why is she shutting me out now? I am scared for her, and for our friendship. What is it about me she suddenly does not trust? Because it feels that way.

I understand the psychology of PTSD, and that sometimes sufferers do this, but it is very hard not to take this personally, especially when you love the person more than life itself. There is nothing I wouldn't do to help her, and I have told her repeatedly that I will be there forever, no matter what. I won't leave.

Why isn't it getting through? What the hell is going on??!!! How do I reach her?

Thank you for listening. I am in despair myself. I went into a chapel tonight and couldn't even sit quietly for 20 minutes. I was so upset I was nauseated and had to leave. I can't eat and am having trouble sleeping. I think her PTSD is now infecting me. When you can't even sit quietly in the presence of God, what do you do??

If there is any hope for our friendship I will stick it out, no matter what it takes. But I don't know how to help and I am scared to death to put a foot wrong and drive her further away. HELP!!!

 

[Mystery]

Oh Scaredsilly, if only every trauma survivor had a great friend like you. All I can suggest is maybe sending her a card or a note to say that you understand she needs her space, that still love her and be there for her when she is ready. For some reason she doesn't want the face to face interaction. It may not be anything you have done at all. I know that sometimes when I'm feeling intense emotions, I don't want to face the people I love the most because they are the ones who I can't hide it from, so I withdraw from them.

It's ok to let her know that you are human, confused and hurting too. If you be really reassuring that no matter what she has to say, even if that is something you have or haven't done, that you will handle it, maybe she will feel safe in the right time to let you in on what is going on for her.

The other thing that came to mind for me is that often after I have revealed myself to someone, I get a horrible feeling of fear of judgement. I don't reveal myself or my story to hardly anyone, except here on this forum and my therapist. Occasionally I meet a new friend and end up telling them something, which feels good at the time and then afterwards I do a panic and do my own head in.

Also when you say you feel like you have been 'infected' with her trauma, I think of the fact that even therapists have their own therapists, so that they can handle hearing all the pain and trauma they deal with day in day out. Long term interaction with a trauma survivor is a hard thing, even for a qualified person. Just hearing the stories can be almost traumatizing for a person who is really empathetic and caring. The sensory images and feelings get placed in your brain too and although you are not necessarily suffering ptsd, you can be feeling traumatized by them all the same.

I have had friends have overwhelming feelings upon hearing some of my stories. You sound like a great person and by reaching out here you've done a good thing for both yourself and your friend. You need to take care of yourself too. Caring takes lots of energy. You can only give so much, I've had to learn this the hard way myself. Best wishes.:hug:

 

[Friday]

I'm a little confused...

Does she have PTSD .... or you think that in the past couple of days something traumatic has happened to her / she's in acute trauma? Or you know something has happened? But she's fine with everyone else except for you?

 

[scaredsilly]

Friday, I think she has PTSD because of other traumas she has experienced in her life, and she has told me in the past about some of them. But I also know that something very bad, related to the previous trauma, has happened recently, within the last week or so. And since that time, she has been withdrawn from me. She has opened up gradually to one other person, but to me, just in the last 24 hours or so. But I still know very little, and I am scared for her. I don't know what to do.

 

[scaredsilly]

Oh Scaredsilly, if only every trauma survivor had a great friend like you. All I can suggest is maybe sending her a card or a note to say that you understand she needs her space, that still love her and be there for her when she is ready. For some reason she doesn't want the face to face interaction. It may not be anything you have done at all. I know that sometimes when I'm feeling intense emotions, I don't want to face the people I love the most because they are the ones who I can't hide it from, so I withdraw from them.

Mystery, I would never judge her and I would hope she knows that. I love her no matter what. I've told her that I will be there as long as it takes. And it's hard now, but I will do it. I can't show any weakness or I think she will try to "spare me," not realizing that I can take anything except being shut out. I can handle rage, tears, screaming, throwing things, but I don't understand and am heartbroken by silence and emotional distance. I have to keep encouraging her to trust me, somehow. I am so tired. And since this new event is relatively fresh, there is no telling how long it will take. She has told me it may take months. But what caused "it" I still have no clue. Maybe if I knew I could understand more. I hate this. And I hate seeing her hurt.

 

[Justmehere]

You sound so heartbroken and so deeply concerned and afraid - hang in there. :hug:

It takes time to talk about trauma. Sometimes, it can take a lot of time. This is common for PTSD and for people without PTSD. Her not telling you may not have anything to do with trusting you or not.

I'm not quite sure why you are so driven to know what happened. People can be close to each other without knowing every intimate detail of their worst moments and horrors in life. You have not lost her. Sounds like she simply isn't ready.

It is often hardest for me to tell the people I am closest to about trauma, and much easier to tell people I'm more distant from. I would not see this as a sign of distrust or lack of close friendship or as anything personal. Sometimes talking about trauma makes things much worse so she could be doing exactly what is best for her to heal right now. Just talking can make things worse.

I think the best thing you can do right now is get some support for how tough this is to see someone be in pain, especially someone you have typically felt so close to. I wonder if her not sharing details might be stirring up things for you like fears of abandonment or fears of failing that you might have from past losses or other painful past experiences that you have been through.

Either way, try to slow down and give this time and work on how anxious you feel. When you not only act like you are not scared, but really don't feel so very scared, I think things will go easier for both of you. Learning about deep breathing techniques or all kinds of ways of managing fears (including very legit fears) would be a way you can not only gain skills that help with anxiety in general, but might be skills you can share with her much later on down the road. The skills PTSD suffers have to learn to manage and reduce anxiety and fear are very useful for all kinds of fears and anxiety, including very legit and real fears. It's probably the best way you can support her right now - learn how to support fear and anxiety in general by starting with your own fears about her.

Instead of loving her more than life, I think you should focus on loving her enough to let go of your desire to know what happened. I know this is so hard to do. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Friday]

There is nothing I wouldn't do to help her, and I have told her repeatedly that I will be there forever, no matter what. I won't leave.

Why isn't it getting through? What the hell is going on??!!! How do I reach her?

You say there is nothing you wouldn't do... But does that include giving her the space and time that she's asked for?

Maybe it did "get through", and she's trusting you to do as she's asked?

 

[digger]

The thing I felt when reading your post was how emotionally charged it was. It felt almost panicky. Obviously, I don't know your friend, and can't speak for her, but I do know that when I've been in crisis, the friends that I absolutely have to pull back from are the ones that show a lot of emotion, I just can't handle it. I also tend to back off from people who are trying to push me into doing things their way. Your friend is telling you she needs time and space, but your needs seem to be taking priority, in that you need to know what's going on with her, you need to know what's happened, you need to help her (but in your way) - if you want to help her, listen to what she is saying she needs from you right now. If you keep pushing, she may just feel smothered by it and overwhelmed and need to push you away completely.

To be blunt, the last thing I would need after trauma is someone being so obviously effected by me - your despair and anguish about how she is choosing to deal with things is coming through so loudly in your post, and I understand you wanting to be there for her, but maybe she is picking up on some of that and can't handle it.

Let her choose who she turns to at this time. Respect that that might not be you.

 

[Mystery]

Scaredsilly, am I right in interpreting what you said as that, you are keeping your fears and anxieties hidden from your friend and 'not showing weakness' and that you are reaching out here for support so that you can not stress her?

 

[digger]

I'm not saying that @scaredsilly is showing this level of anxiety about the situation directly to her friend. I'm just thinking that her friend might be picking up on it, or be aware of it, and it may be something the friend finds hard to handle. Some of the loveliest people I know are too emotional for me to turn to for support in a crisis.

It might just be that the friend is more comfortable at the moment sharing with someone else, as it sounds like she is doing. I understand that might feel like rejection and that's difficult, but if she is in crisis, then she needs to be focussing on her own needs at the moment.

 

[scaredsilly]

Scaredsilly, am I right in interpreting what you said as that, you are keeping your fears and anxieties hidden from your friend and 'not showing weakness' and that you are reaching out here for support so that you can not stress her?

Yes.

You sound so heartbroken and so deeply concerned and afraid - hang in there. :hug:

Justmehere:

Much of what you said does resonate with me.

First, the reason I want to know is I want to help. I care. Second, it does indeed feel as though she can't trust me and that is why she is shutting me out. Maybe that is not the case, but I am human too and cannot help but feel that. It is true that in the past others have abandoned me and I may be afraid that is happening here. The reason I have come to this forum is because I want to do this right, and not do something to drive her away further. Because I love her and deeply value her friendship and presence in my life.

When I have talked to her in the last 24 hrs I consciously decided that I would approach her with no fear. I think she picked up on that and maybe that is why she has started to open up. I am so tired. I have to hide that, too. I almost think she is trying to protect me, because she has practically begged me not to worry about her. Which only makes me worry about her more.

I am already worn out. But I want to help her bear whatever burden she is facing, when (if?) she will let me. Isn't that what people who love you are supposed to do?

Thank you for your advice and insight. I am seeking some pastoral counseling at another friend's church and have spoken with a trauma counselor. I hear the messages, but right now my sadness and fears for my friend are overwhelming. I will keep at it, and I will not give up. She is worth it.

 

[scaredsilly]

Mystery, to add one thing: I don't want to stress her and that is why I am trying to keep things hidden. However, I have communicated that I am concerned and told her that she needs to not ask me not to be concerned, because I care, and I have reiterated how important she is to me.

The sad thing is, we have a mutual friend, and this person is basically telling me that I need to accept and move on. I think this friend is even angry with me now. I will have very little to do with that person from here on. Now I wonder if she won't even try to sabotage whatever progress I've already made with my traumatized friend. I would seriously hope she's not turning this into a one upmanship game. Because that will not be good for my traumatized friend either.

Maybe I am wrong here, but I think friends and family should be on the same page that the most important thing has to be the well being of the sufferer. That much I am learning in my crash course in how to handle victims of trauma. I'm now mad at mutual friend, but I will keep that to myself. I will wear a mask with her as well.

My ultimate concern has to be for my traumatized friend. I am trying to do things right. It is so damn hard.