Running Out Of Places To Run

[Valer]

To anyone reading this, i am sorry. It's going to be long and droning and possibly triggering.
So... i've been dealing with my complex PTSD for nearly four years now, and it seems to be inescapable. Recently, i left home to begin my first year at college, hoping i would be able to create some distance. The thought that i could get away from him gave me just a little bit of hope. Now that I'm here i realize just how wishful my thinking was. Though there is still plenty of distance, he's following. And he won't give up.
As background, the "he" i'm referring to is the man who has been abusing me. For all intents and purposes, i am going to refer to him as Leo. i met Leo when i was 14- he was a senior in my high school at the time, and i was a freshman. Leo became my best and only friend and, would consistently take time to come see me. We would meet in a nearby park due to my family situation at home, my parents were abusive and did not allow me to have friends. Despite all the hoops and what not, he always found time to see me even if he was busy. When i met him he was still clean, due to the need to come up as drug free on the military entrance exams. Soon things started to go down hill. He raped me for the first time when i was 15, at the tail end of my freshman year. Fast forward 4 years later, he's back to doing drugs. He went to the Marines but, sure enough that slight reprieve was also temporary. He came back claiming he "wanted to be closer to me." Since then, i have been forced to see him when he requests, in fear that he'll come get me or start trouble with my family. i've lost track of the number of times he's raped me. Lately, he's taken to the disturbing habit of calling me "lover" or "darling" when i clearly am neither to him. i can't take it anymore.
In response to the ongoing abuse, i've attempted suicide on multiple occasions. Obviously, none of these attempts were successful, to my displeasure. Before, suicide seemed to be the only way out of this mess- and then i considered college. That possible chance for escape pulled me through the remainder of my junior and senior years of high school. Finally, a chance to be able to breathe. Sitting here now, on my dorm bed i can see that i was dead wrong. My inbox is full of new messages, asking when i don't have classes, why his phone number is blocked, what room am i in, etc. Apparently a "surprise visit" may be in order. During the day, it's difficult to function due to the flashbacks and the constant fear. Freedom was only a delusion. And again, i'm faced with the choice to do or die. Die seems to be the better of the two options.

 

[joeylittle]

That sounds like a rough situation.

First of all, don't hesitate to call a crisis line or go to the ER if you are going to attempt again. There's no point in ending your life over one sick individual.

Can you dump your email address altogether, or just don't check that email anymore? Get a new one?

Are there any friends who understand your situation and can come and sit with you? If not, is there a faculty member you trust?

 

[PoeticLady83]

Have you ever sought therapy? What about legal action? Even just a restraining order. There's places that help women and even go with you to your court dates. You need support. Whether this forum or eventually seeking counseling. To begin to heal he can't be in your life. He's just a painful reminder.

Although what you've been through won't be forgotten it can be ina sense lessened at the very least by you gaining some coping skills or possibly medication if that's what will help you. This is just my opinion as I'm not a medical professional. But someone very close to me suffered through something similar to what you've described.

 

[hailstorm]

@Valer you are really in a scary situation! Please take care to let someone know what is happening. You have a wonderful start to a fulfilling future, ie starting college, even with these horrible traumatic events in your life. You are trying to move forward and you are to be commended for doing so. It is difficult to let go of people that you are used to having around even if they are abusive. You said your family is abusive and that may well have made you a bit numb to it, but know this, abuse and rape are never acceptable. There are people at colleges that help with these types of situations, such as, professors that are in tune to the stresses of their students. There are also school medical staff and counselors that have special training for this. You can also make the school police aware of the situation. Give them a pic of him. By all means, rally the troops and let as many people as you can know about this guy. Even if you don't think so they will be able to protect you if he comes around you to harm you again. In order to do so they have to know about him first. Please seek out your supporters and stay safe.

 

[xena21]

He went to the Marines but, sure enough that slight reprieve was also temporary. He came back claiming he "wanted to be closer to me." Since then, i have been forced to see him when he requests, in fear that he'll come get me or start trouble with my family. i've lost track of the number of times he's raped me. Lately, he's taken to the disturbing habit of calling me "lover" or "darling" when i clearly am neither to him.

I'm assuming he was discharged from the Marines? I was a Marine so I know the consequences of different actions that are taken in different circumstances. If he was still in, then it would be easy to get him involved with his superiors for other "issues" if you know what I mean. Obviously I think he was washed out, so you are left holding his incapacitating load. Beyond military officials, there are other avenues you can go to for help in the civilian world. You are stronger than him. You have to believe that.

You don't need to die over someone like him. He is the worst of mankind. People like him are the scourge of the earth. I hope you can build up defenses against him. The way I handled my aggressors was to take self defense and learn to defend myself and find all ways to kick everyone elses ass if need be. I tried every self defense course that was out there. I'm not saying that's for you, but I gained confidence and I have no fear now. Just my 2 cents. I really wish you well.

 

[Ted Moen]

Complex PTSD is experienced as so personal, with so much guilt and hopelessness that suidide seems the only option. It is not the only option. The healthy option is to participate in therapy with a qualified support team, a clinical psychologist to guide you through cognitive therapy and help you with those terribly personal feelings you probably feel you could never share with anybody, a social worker to help you develop a safe environment, a psychiatrist to monitor od prescribe any medication you and the team agree is appropriate. There is a good chance you have access to the healthy option through the school counselors.

The hardest part of the healthy option is making the commitment to actively participate in therapy. I left home at 13, lived out my symptoms (with periodic suicide attempts) adding significantly to my collection of traumatic experiences for around 30 years before presenting myself for therapy. Then it took me another 10 years to make the decision to actively participate participate in my own therapy, sharing those very personal thoughts and feelings with appropriate people in a safe environment.

I live well these days, with healthy relationships and activities and able to feel joy in participating in life, able to handle those challenges life seems to throw at us, grateful every day all the suicide attempts either failed or passed without completion.

There are controlling, abusive people in the world. That is a fact. They don't have to be part of your world, even though that probably seems impossible and hopeless at this moment. Therapy is not easy, but it is the process that will lead to the life you deserve to enjoy.

I apologize for the lecture, but I have intense feelings related to choosing suicide over appropriate therapeutic support :)

 

[Valer]

Thank you so much for your support and feedback. i have been really struggling. Over the years i did end up going to therapy for my issues- several partial care programs and transfer to a therapeutic school. Therapy did help, but only to an extent. i want to get a restraining order, and go through with court. However, i don't believe it is a viable option. "Leo" is and always has been a very unstable individual with little or no regard to society and authority. Consequently, any court order to stay away would prove to be worthless, he simply would disregard it as though it were just another piece of paper. Being as unstable and as invested as he has become, a fear that this attempt to get any attention from the authorities would just piss him off and cause him to go off. It would not be above Leo to kill me, as he has already threatened to do so backhandedly. He has guns and training and just as little ambition as myself to live, so he has not much to lose in killing me. Over and over i have considered suicide as a means of escape, with intent to leave a note and evidence behind to put the final nail in his coffin. He can't murder me if i am already dead, and would most likely commit suicide to avoid incarceration. Never again would he be able to hurt anyone else.

 

[joeylittle]

Consequently, any court order to stay away would prove to be worthless, he simply would disregard it as though it were just another piece of paper.

This could be true - however, it means that if/when he disregards it, you can get a much more effective response (generally) from the police - because a law is being broken when he shows up, instead of there just being the potential for a law to be broken.

I'd really suggest you get back into therapy - or maybe find a group. Your post reads like you are isolating while you try and figure out how to survive this, and that is actually just going to make things more emotionally difficult.

Suicide is not an escape, because there is nothing on the other side of the door. Change is escape, help is escape, but not death. Death is just an ending.

Never again would he be able to hurt anyone else.

You aren't supposed to be the martyr in this situation. You have the right to live your life in pursuit of the things you want. You've got a very, very hard situation right now, and there's no "but" to that statement. It's really really hard. Don't be afraid to reach out and start asking for help, from the law and from the therapeutic community.

 

[xena21]

He can't murder me if i am already dead, and would most likely commit suicide to avoid incarceration. Never again would he be able to hurt anyone else.

Listen to yourself. You are stronger than him. I know I hear it. He may have some training because he was in the Marines, but that doesn't mean you can't overcome that. I was in the Marines too, but if I knew someone was as serious as you might be, I would back off. You need to be confident in yourself. He is confident in himself, but only because you are scared. You already are thinking of death, why not stand up to this bastard? He won't understand that. They prey on scared people. They like to make people more scared than they already are. It makes them feel more powerful.

Please trust yourself. You are stronger than him.

 

[Ted Moen]

Major depression involves chemical imbalances in our brains that alter our perceptions so that everything seems to feed the intense feeling of hopelessness, spiraling us deeper and deeper into the mood. The mood is not about the other person or the perceived hopeless situation. If the other person were removed, the altered perceptions would just shift to focusing on some other perceived hopeless aspect of the situation. Major depression is about the chemical imbalance in our systems and learning to manage our perceptions. For me, a small dose of an SSRI and a lot of training and therapeutic support with learning affect management resulted in my being able to experience sadness and the perception of unfortunate circumstances in life without it spiraling down into major depression.

 

[desiderata310]

All of this sounds far too familiar. I've been down a somewhat similar road, moved across country, was still being contacted by my soon to be ex and worried about my safety and considered suicide for similar reasons. It was so bad that the day of my trial, I had already decided that if I lost, I would commit suicide and had everything ready.

Look: talk to a crisis councilor, talk to a therapist. In my case, I had been talking to my therapist for about 6 months and my therapist blamed a great deal of my PTSD on him and testified in court to that. Actually, since he represented himself, my therapist was able to directly accuse him.

In the end, what do you have to lose? That was my feeling on the matter. I had nothing to lose. If I won, I gained some freedom and some way to get the police to listen to me. If I lost, I had proof that life was not worth living and could move forward with my decision before he did it for me. Now, please understand, in saying what I just said, I am not suggesting that you do the same. I am simply describing my state of mind. It was scary and dark.

The thing is, even if you have little to no proof, the judge is going to err on the side of caution. You have tons of emails. Turn them over to the authorities. If you told any of the therapy outlets, those are proof as well.

I'm standing 4 months the other side of this mess. There's healing still to be done. A lot of healing. But it's better and I don't freak out the same way I used to. Without the constant fear of getting emails, texts and visits I have been able to calm down. (once the restraining order is in place he can't even have a friend of a friend contact you for him). I still take certain precautions for my own safety but things are better.

 

[xena21]

I just don't want you to kill yourself over this bastard. Whatever you think he has over you thats fine. I won't try and force my self defense explanation on you since I know that's not what you are looking at right now. I want you to focus on what you can live for and what he can't take away from you. You are a strong individual. You have been through so much sh&t. I can relate. At this point in my life I had planned to kill myself many times too. It's all I could think of to get out of my situation. I see you are going this way. He is not worth it though.

I had talked my way out of suicide. I was brought up in a very religious household so I focused on that. I got myself to plan for a way to step on my abusers and to tell them to fu*& themselves. I didn't care about them anymore after that. It was like I wasn't afraid. Whatever happened that was it, because if I did something it was the same as if he hurt me. Killing me was the same if I killed myself...what's the difference? I was in control, not him. Do you understand? So, I felt more powerful that I could hold the reigns now just because I knew the fate of my life belonged to me.

I hope you know you can hold the reigns too.