Feeling Like I Don't Deserve To Get Better

[littlelostchild]

I've been in therapy for 2 years now and this has been a real stumbling block. The belief that I don't deserve to get better, that I am such a horrible person. I still see the world through the lense of 'bad things happened to me, I should have done something about it, I went to his bed, I had pleasure, I am bad'.

When I put someone else in my position, I would never think that of a child in the same situation, but I can't seem to remove the double standard.

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so, how did you get past it?

 

[Tinyflame]

Self-responsibility & reflective of my character, inability for self-empathy & double standard, yes sure @littlelostchild . But not sure of the directions to change it.

:hug: for you.

 

[BlueOrange]

Been working on this specific issue for a while, and am going through a crisis on this point right now. I've brought myself to this turning point by paying attention to positive feedback and good news, building up the idea that I'm good, without doing anything to challenge the notion that I'm bad. Now the bit that believes I'm bad is feeling extremely threatened, and is counter-attacking hard.

What I'm doing to resolve the counter-attack is to try to understand the part that thinks I'm bad. It's like a feral animal in some ways, attacking everything because it feels trapped, not able to perceive kind intent. I envy people who seem more domesticated, but there seems to be a barrier that stops me from joining them. A fear that if I become tame, I will lose something valuable and important.

Reading what I just wrote, it seems very black-and-white. I suspect that it doesn't actually have to be a choice between extremes.

Perhaps I can feel good about myself without becoming complacent. Perhaps I can feel safe without becoming defenseless. Those things weren't possible in abusive environments and relationships, but I'm not in an abusive environment or an abusive relationship.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

I identify with that so much! I could have written your post. I've been in therapy for 3 years and my T, instead of suggesting being nice to myself (after many failed attempts), just encourages me to try to hate myself a little bit less. I can't say that I'm to that point yet. I beat myself up mentally. I feel repulsive and worthless.

I hope someone has an answer on how to get past it.

 

[Notsowild]

That's a tough one. I feel the same way. Sometimes you just give in. You're tired of the fight. You know you'll be physically battered if you don't give in. I feel a lot of guilt and shame. Plus a lot self hatred.,I have a hard time when my T says but you were a child. I still feel at fault for the abuse. Sorry no great answer. Hopefully long therapy will decrease some of the guilt. Just know your not alone in this :hug:

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I, as my core self, can't speak to that in terms of what you are talking about. But my little can. She always says that she was bad and it was her fault. She does not believe my therapist when she says that she is good. However, she will believe that the man was bad.

I don't know how you get past the "I wouldn't blame another child, but I will blame myself even though I was a child". I blame myself for my car accident (and it was in no reality my fault), but I still do. It's quite different from your example, but I think it's part of the PTSD process in that a lot of people struggle with that guilt and blame.

I wish I knew the answer, but I don't. I can only say that you are not alone in this struggle.

 

[Sammyiam]

Little,
I feel so much for you, I pushed like on your thread because I could have written it myself, we have talked often on this subject. I then changed my mind and unlinked it as it just didn't sound right pushing the like button on such pain, we all live with this internal pain form our pasts that's slowly destroys our inner souls to the core.

Like so many have said we can see it so clearly when we hear others stories and say with our heart it's not your fault, you weren't the bad person, you were little, he/she was the bad one, you could have done nothing as you were to small, there is 100 more I could write, so why is it that we can say it to others, but just can't believe it about our selves.

There is a double standard going on but how o how do we change it ?

That is the question

 

[Sandstone]

Now the bit that believes I'm bad is feeling extremely threatened, and is counter-attacking hard.
What I'm doing to resolve the counter-attack is to try to understand the part that thinks I'm bad. It's like a feral animal in some ways, attacking everything because it feels trapped,

Such a good description. The bit that believes I'm bad absolutely believes that it essential for my survival that nothing should change. The idea of thinking that I could recover is wholly dangerous. Yet I'm aware that more and more of my life feels wholly dangerous anyway, so staying as I am isn't an option either. I don't have any answers but will watch the thread with interest.

 

[BlueOrange]

I think my therapist is helping, although it's hard to say exactly why.

This forum helps, in that I can see other people reporting experiences similar to mine, and my heart goes out to them. And then I reflect on it, and say "If I can see the wonder and beauty in that person, perhaps it applies to me, too?"

There are some bits of fiction that have helped in similar ways. The current edition of Doctor Who very frequently visits questions about grief and loss, and yesterday's episode about 'The nameless frightening thing under the bed' had a real impact on me.

True Blood featured a character with PTSD who was extremely sympathetic, while I thought the portrayal was realistic.

Pacific Rim is a recent movie that features a sympathetic character who has problems with flashbacks, and they're presented better than most portrayals of that sort.

I've been prescribed movies by my therapist, and I begin to see that he's been working on this issue with me since the very beginning:
Napoleon Dynamite
Lars and the Real Girl
Juno

Got an appointment in four hours. Will see if I can find something else to report.

 

[Friday]

I argue with myself. These are my own arguments & response. If any line up with yours, I'm not telling you how to respond, or what I think of anyone else. This is just how I shake myself out of

My stuff isn't a big deal... So? What's your point? Deal with it, then.
I've already dealt with this once... Then you have an advantage
It was a long time ago... So it's not affecting you?
It's not affecting me. I'm fine...So are you working, sleeping, loving, eating, etc.?
It's my fault... Sweet! So you can really fix it, then.
It's not my fault... Noted. Your point?
It's outside of my control... Then what's inside your control?
I'm tired... Take a nap
I don't wanna... HTFU. Who wants to? No one.
Whine whine whine... Bitch bitch bitch. See above.
Im scared... Be brave
I hate myself... Perfect! Then let's use that.
I like myself... Awesome, let's keep that bit, then.
It hurts... Pain is weakness leaving the body. Or warning. Which is it?
If I do this, that will happen... Good catch. Let's plan for that and how to work around.
Bite me... Finally. Some spine. Can we get to work now?

 

[BlueOrange]

@FridayJones , if I use that kind of strategy with myself, it tends to produce action, but it also tends to reinforce my self-hatred. Is there a trick to it that I might be missing?

I guess that the words in your post remind me of a drill sargeant, while I have a doctor and a shrink who are both trying to get me to be gentler to myself.

Perhaps you interpret those words differently?

 

[ghotiff]

I struggle with prioritizing my therapy appointments

I feel guilty taking the time, time I should devote to my job, or kids, or housework.

I feel guilty spending the money. Money that could be "better" spent.

Each appointment I fight with myself to believe I am worth this time and money. I try to remind myself that my husband does not begrudge me this time or money at all, so I shouldn't...but it's hard.

Obviously I don't have the solution yet but I'm keen to learn what they might be.