Feeling Like I Don't Deserve To Get Better

[Friday]

@BlueOrange I've got a warm fuzzy place in my heart for Drill Instructors, their job is to give you the tools to keep you alive despite your best efforts to the contrary. I hadn't thought of my own inner monologue running that line, but I guess it fits. Improvise, adapt, & overcome.

 

[xena21]

I can relate too. I feel so weak. I hate myself for that weakness and not saying no to the people that hurt me. Now I take it out on myself. I hurt myself on a regular basis as if to show myself how guilty I am for not defending myself when I had that chance. I live with that every day. Knowing now that I should have yelled no, instead of just staying silent for so long. It haunts me. I no if I had just said no, it could have changed people's lives.

 

[Friday]

You're lucky, then @xena. I've found fighting back usually makes things much worse for much longer. When I went with my gut, though? Well, I'm still here. Survival mode usually means our brains are taking in zillions of bits of info our minds aren't aware of, and acting accordingly. Saying 'no' to the wrong person in the wrong moment is usually lethal.

 

[xena21]

You're lucky, then @xena

I don't see how hurting myself makes me lucky...

 

[Sammyiam]

@ghotiff .... I could have written that post I feel the same

 

[mrsps]

I feel guilty taking the time, time I should devote to my job, or kids, or housework.
I feel guilty spending the money. Money that could be "better" spent

Don't feel guilty! You are spending time and money on therapy so you can be a better, happier you. In return for this you will be able to become a better wife and mother (and I am not saying you are not good at these already) You are doing this for a better future for all of you, oh and housework can wait lol :)

 

[littlelostchild]

Thank you everyone for your responses. I've had a really hard time coming back to this thread. Normally, I am rushing back to eagerly read the feedback, but this topic is such a raw one that even finding out how to move forward with it seems wrong, you know. But that's what makes it so important.

It seems that we all struggle or have struggled with this topic. I so appreciate your feedback and words of community.

Little

 

[shell]

The belief that I don't deserve to get better, that I am such a horrible person. I still see the world through the lense of 'bad things happened to me, I should have done something about it,'.

When I put someone else in my position, I would never think that of a child in the same situation, but I can't seem to remove the double standard.

Has anyone else been in this situation and if so, how did you get past it?

What benefit do you get from taking responsibility for his actions? Sometimes that could be clue to why you hold yourself responsible.

Holding myself to blame, hating myself and taking responsibility was my form of denial, avoidance of terrible feelings, avoiding recognizing how abandoned I was and just how awful I really felt all the time growing up. It helped me get past the blame and self hatred, when I just sat with how crappy it really felt to be treated that badly, not that it was easy.

It was a slow process to change life long beliefs but one well worth it. I believe there is always a reason for clinging for disfunctional beliefs, in my case it has always been some form of self protection.

 

[littlelostchild]

@shell you make me really think! I have been in denial or avoidant for so long, but I thought I was 'over' that. Maybe not as I continue to hang onto this thought. Hmmm.