Need Someone To Tell Me My Kids Will Be Ok.

[llv88]

I have had a plan for a long time, I have a couple dates. What I don't have is confirmation my kids will be OK. I fail them as a parent living, can't imagine it'll be worse if i'm gone. My therapist will just tell me I would do "irreparable harm" but won't tell me what that means. My kids are my world, they are growing up and are shutting me out as kids do, but I can't take it. I was going to wait until they were both 18, but feel so bad just want to go.

 

[digger]

They won't be okay. End of. It will tear them apart and they will carry it with them the rest of the lives.

 

[Fadeaway]

As the daughter of a woman who committed suicide, well you don't really get over it, ever. It has been 13 years. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have irreparable harm. Granted, it is only a piece of my ptsd and happened 2 months prior to the "main event" it made me more vulnerable setting me up for ptsd. And guess what, I was removed from her custody at the age of 5 and we didn't even have a real bond. I lost more than your could ever imagine with her death.

Do you want your kids to go through what you are going through now?

I fail them as a parent living, can't imagine it'll be worse if i'm gone.

That was my mothers line. yes she was a failure of a parent, but at least she was alive and I had hope before her suicide.

 

[joeylittle]

No, they won't be OK. I'm very sorry you're going through this kind of darkness. I'm not going to tell you it gets better. What I do know is that it can change. As long as there's possibility of change, your odds are better staying in the game rather than getting out.

Your kids will probably feel responsible. Guilt, pain, grief, anger, loss, depression, sadness. There is no letter you could ever leave that would mitigate that pain for them. Suicide grief is not like normal grief; it stays around. I'm sorry, but that's the way it is.

Can you get yourself somewhere safe for the next 24 hours? Or call your therapist?

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

This topic is really triggering for me so I'm going to make my response pretty clear and direct. I'm a divorced mother of 2 kids. I say "kids" but they're in their early 20's. A few years after my ex husband and I got divorced he committed suicide. My kids weren't even 10 years old. I've watched my kids for over a decade be tortured with the pain.

I recently read somewhere that suicide isn't pain relieved it's pain transferred. It's transferred to the people around you who whether you believe it or not love and care about you. My kids for more than a decade have been in so much pain from losing their father. I've said this before death is hard enough but suicide is something a little different. There is always the question "why?". And there is never enough of an answer.

Your kids won't be ok. You're not considering dropping them off with their grandparents for a month. You're considering completely removing yourself from their lives forever. And you are the biggest thing they need in this world. Nothing and no one can replace you. Nothing and no one can ease the kind of pain they'd experience.

I have held my kids while they cried. I've stood there and let them scream at me in anger. And year after year after year his birthday and the day he died go by and my kids sink into a depression. On those days they can sometimes become engulfed in a depth of pain that my reach can't extend far enough to pull them out of.

In fact I spent the last 3 days talking to my daughter about her father and his death. People around her brought it up and it was so painful for her she couldn't speak up for herself to lay down boundaries and ask them to stop. I sat with her just last night while she cried alone in her room. She talked about how every time she looks in the mirror she sees parts of his features on her face and it's a constant reminder of who and what she lost.

I know what it is to be depressed. I have MDD or Major Depressive Disorder and other things too. And I feel so much sympathy for the pain you're feeling. But I have to encourage you to call someone. Call an emergency line. Pull yourself up again even though you might feel like you can't anymore. The cost of what you're considering is beyond too expensive. The cost is your children and what they would have to live with for the rest of their lives.

You've withstood terrible things I'm sure. And you're still alive. That means you have the strength to get through terrible things. I'm speaking to you as a depressed person with PTSD and MDD and other things. I'm speaking to you as a mother of kids whose father took his own life. And I can tell you what my son said to me about it just yesterday. He said that the pain "can be excruciating".

You sound like you care about your kids. Please consider what you would be asking them to bear. Please get help and more help. As much as you need. You can do it. If I didn't believe it I wouldn't have bothered to comment on your post and get myself upset.

I don't mean to come across as angry. I mean to be direct and clear and sympathetic and understanding because I can relate. Please for your sake and for your kids sake talk to someone. Even right now. Get help. You don't have to suffer and feel this way forever. It might feel like it in this moment but like the other terrible moments you've had you can get through this. Please take care of yourself.

 

[Sammyiam]

I agree with the above posts, I had a very close friend come to visit me, we had a small argument and he went home and killed himself. I live with that every day, he left two beautiful daughters, and it has caused much pain. Six weeks after that my son took an overdose and then shoot himself, he survived but, the pain we went through was unbearable A large part of me died that day and that part will never return. I still live with it everyday of my life and the affects it had on our family was terrible. It was a major cause to my PTSD getting worse, I have lived with it my whole life but just never had a name for it until after that event when I had a complete breakdown, you have no idea how many people copy others that do it. We had no idea about my son and wether it had anything to do with my friend killing himself I will never know and you would never know how your kids would take it either. It would be terrible if they did what my son did and take there own lives after you took yours.

Please get the help you deserve please do it for your children, please don't let them go through life without a mother. Your mother should be the most important part of your life, and you would be taking that away from them. When they get married, have children, mile stones through their whole life they would wish you were there to see it.

Please get help for them as much as yourself

 

[Ronin]

What people above said. You can't be blamed for feeling how you are, and it's completely understandable it's eating at you. But your kids wouldn't be 'okay' in any sense. They'd probably go looking for answers that won't be there, answers that won't be there and don't make anything make bloody *sense* whole life long. It sucks to never 'know' what on earth went wrong, what kind of mess did the kid 'do wrong' to lose a parent like that.

When you take care of yourself, when you stick around to be there for them, you *are* doing your best at parenting you can at the moment. This isn't about goddamn gold stars. Your depression is maybe in the way in showing just how good parent you are, but can't change that you *are* good parent. Hell, if you by chance aren't you can at least fix it when things get better. There's no working at it when one's dead.

 

[fly away home]

Ok so I shouldn't have read this because it's extremely triggering but I can't just leave it. They simply won't be anywhere near ok with you taking your life and leaving them with a lifetime of grief. Suicide takes so much more than the one life. My life is not a full one and never will be because I lost my partner to suicide. The pain that has left me with is bigger than any words I could use. It is all encompassing.

I understand your desire to escape this torment. I am a mother and I also go through the feeling that I am a bad mother so I may as well go and give my child a chance at a better life without me but there are two main things which always stop me.

First is the fact that we have no proof that death is any better than life. Could even be that death is worse. We just don't know so I try to err on the side of caution and know that life at least has the opportunity of improving but death takes any slight glimmer at hope away.

Second is knowing the truth of suicide. I learnt this truth. Your children will learn this truth too if you go.... Death is not dignified. It is painful. It is ugly. Suicide will always be treated differently to any other death. There is always going to be the stigma. They will be made to feel ashamed about you. They will be shown empathy then have that empathy quickly pulled away. They will notice an abrupt stop to any more discussions about you because suicide is different. Society will do this no matter what you try to explain to them now. They will be shunned for grieving yet they will never stop grieving. They will feel abandoned and that won't fade with time. They will be told that you couldn't possibly have loved them. If you loved them then you wouldn't have hurt them this way. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but the truth of suicide is harsh. These are all things I have had said/done to me and after sixteen years they still happen and they still hurt like hell.

So please just hold on and do everything in your power to get help. Do it for them if you can't do it for yourself right now. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts so I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm saying this from my heart. They love their mother. They don't want to lose you. They don't think your a bad mother. They know you are their mother and you love them. They know you and your love for them cannot be replaced. This is your children's truth. All you need to do is ask them.

 

[RussH]

Life is a gift that has been given to us, and while it is ours, and we can do what we want with it; it really is a gift that is best used by giving it to others.
So, instead of taking your life; make the decision to live it for others, for you kids, and then your grandkids.
You are obviously still in the raising your kids stage, and even at the teenage time where they ignore you. However that is just a stage, they do come back, and the relationship you have with your adult kids is wonderful.
And then the grandkids. You said that your kids are your world; just wait until you have grandkids. Itis amazing. You get to see, all over again, the things that make you smile, laugh and cry as they learn, discover and grow.

I know that for you life is hard, and you want out, but before taking that step; don't just ask if your kids will be ok, ask what enriching of their lives, and the lives of their children will be missed by your death.
So, instead of taking your life, make the determination to invest it into the lives of others.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

They won't be okay without you. I have a friend whose mother committed suicide and he has carried that with him for all of his life. It affected how he performed in school and it continues to affect how he deals with life in general.

I had a friend who died under suspicious circumstances, but most likely it was suicide. It was 16 years ago and I carry with me a burden that there was something I could have done. In reality, I don't know if there was. But I carry the guilt with me every day. And that was a friend not a parent. The loss of a parent has a huge impact on children.

 

[nursenurse]

I work in places where suicide rates are high, and have worked where the suicide rate per capita was the highest in the world. There is nothing more devastating to a child of any age than the willful taking of the life of a parent by suicide. You have had some very good advice given by previous posters and your T. If you presented to me, you would be in hospital by now getting help.

You have the thoughts, you have the plan. Now get to ER and get the kind of help you need before you do something that will destroy the lives of you kids and impact everyone around them. No one gets over the suicide of a loved one. No one, and the guilt becomes a burden that could possibly spiral their lives out of control. Just get help in whatever form it takes.

There will be no one here who will tell you that your kids will be okay. You will not garner anyone's permission to off yourself, if you are looking for approval.

 

[llv88]

Thank you for your very honest responses. That finally helps me I hope to see the ways it affects children. I have an appointment with my therapist this morning. I do love my kids. They are my world, and sometimes the pain outweighs anything good. I'm sorry if I triggered any of you, that was never my intention.