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Respect Chat Or Lose It - Individually

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Anthony, Nicolette, and Mods,
Firstly ;
I just want to apologise to you all for having to even spend time on sorting chat out for people, you have a huge job as it is doing everything else on this site.

Secondly;
I would like to apologise for spending to much time on chat, since my fall I have been on chat lots and I hope I have not offended anyone by this, if I have in any way, shape of form I am so truly sorry, it has never been my intention to offend, hurt or make any person ever feel bad, by any of my actions to any person on here in any way, so I am very very sorry for doing anything wrong to any member on here.

Thank you for running such an amazing site.
 
Here's a thought.....

Yes, its true that forum people don't go into chat often and chat people tend to stay out of the forum.... So am I wrong in thinking that those who are violating these rules have NO idea that this thread has been posted? Maybe the "quote" above chat should say something along the lines of reading this admin thread?

I know that ignorance of the "law" is no excuse, but sometimes if someone is simply aware that their behavior is being called into question, that's enough to stop it. But, if they don't even go into the forums or on the main page (where this thread will drop off soon enough if it hasn't already....) then they will never know and continue the bad behavior.

ETA

I think chat should be FUN. Lately, since I've been looking, its been pretty heavy with heavy topics, so another member and I have just been chatting privately, elsewhere. If you're really down, why not start a thread? You'll get better feedback instead of talking circles with others who are in a depressed state, thereby dragging each other down. (This is just my observation.)
 
Long ago a forum member told me they prefer chat because it is instant. They also told me they don't like PM because it is slow like forum posting. I was speechless. Lately I haven't seen the forum member around forums. Later I thought how dangerous it is, the person must be resorting to quick help, that might be happening always and when that doesn't work out how they must be sorting their issues. I don't know. Going for quick help can make you desperate. That kind of attitude can flare up desperateness.

I wonder if they read this forum or not. There is lot of information on threads. I think balancing chat and forum posting can help you very much.

I think it depends a lot on how a forum member uses this forum. Different people use different ways, but use it in a way which helps you get better and also helping others along on the way.
 
Firstly, let me just say... there is not a single thing below that I can disagree with, because what you have said is all technically correct, and in a perfect world, people would read first, act second, but that is where the below turns south quickly. Experience dictates differently, in other words.
So am I wrong in thinking that those who are violating these rules have NO idea that this thread has been posted?
Here is the issue, which you outlined just below. If a member doesn't read announcements, then why would they read a long thread linked above the chat? I can tell you now from tracking the statistics of this website... people rarely read the rules or legal policy. Very few actually, have ever read either.

The facts are that members tend not to read such documents, and instead learn from either warnings or other members outlining to them that x is not acceptable here.

Maybe the "quote" above chat should say something along the lines of reading this admin thread?
I think I just answered that above...

I know that ignorance of the "law" is no excuse, but sometimes if someone is simply aware that their behavior is being called into question, that's enough to stop it. But, if they don't even go into the forums or on the main page (where this thread will drop off soon enough if it hasn't already....) then they will never know and continue the bad behaviour.
All very correct Solara, and exactly on the money for what is just another forum administrative issue.

In fact, this is exactly where you get a little carried away at times, with repetitiveness of issues. Staff see you and others get frustrated saying the same things to newer members, which is just another day in the life of staff. The very issues you raise, are also some of the streamlining coming over the following months. Trying to limit issues by having as much as possible in one place, however; people still won't read it unless directed, as a majority.

Very few read the rules and legal policy, and those who do, do so because they don't want any issues coming into a new community, so they're prepared and decide whether the rules and policies fit them, or not.

This all comes down to senior members directing new members to such relevant topics for them to read. See how many follow your advice, and other senior members, and feel the frustration that staff endure daily.

This isn't limited to this community, and it happens on every community across the web. People learn more on the job, as they post, instead of reading lots of information first.

We've tried rules, warnings, bans, you name it... linked content, stuck it in front of members making them accept it first, and they've all failed, usually detracting membership and hurting the community overall. There are ways to do it, and the best is to simplify things ongoing, as well as senior members, established members, directing newer members towards relevant information, hoping they may follow your direction for their benefit and read it.
 
Hi, I have been thinking about the post I wrote here, and yes I am guilty of spending lots of time on chat the last month and a half as I was grounded to the sofa after my fall, and it's very hard staring at four walls all day. But I have also been thinking about some of the post here. I know that some heavy stuff is often going on in chat therapy wise or trauma wise, but if we are on this site haven't we all been through heavy stuff ? Otherwise we wouldn't be on this site ... Would we ? Also were else can you chat to people about the heavy stuff ? You go to therapy once a week if lucky twice, or if money is an issue not at all. When I joined this site I clicked to a couple of people and we have become very close friends. I think everyone on this site has three or four very close friends that they have made through here, then there is everyone else some who you just chat to when they are on or you read their threads as you have talked to them once or twice on chat, or they write really interesting threads so you follow them and see what threads they are writing etc.It was also mentioned you can PM them if you are talking about the hard stuff, but I have tried that and it becomes very disjointed when replying one or two word answers and having to wait for a reply. It just doesn't flow very well. I just wonder if there is any way you could either have PM's that after so many replies to each other like the 500 reply star one (that I still haven't worked out what that means and feel to silly to ask as I have asked a couple and they don't know either ) it could become like a private chat room between the two of you or even private chat rooms that you can go to, I know that chat causes a lot of problems with people having different ideas etc and different mental health problems, but I think it is an amazing tool to be able to talk to very close friends that you have made and sort a lot of issues out that both people can work on together. Mostly because you don't feel that you are the only one if you are talking to someone that has been through similar stuff. I write threads and try to use the whole site, I have never been guilty of only using one or the other ... Chat / threads, but it would love to see somehow to someway to come up with some ideas to be able to do the above.

Thank you everyone for reading this.
Take care Sammy
 
I am guilty of spending lots of time on chat the last month and a half as I was grounded to the sofa after my fall, and it's very hard staring at four walls all day. But I have also been thinking about some of the post here. I know that some heavy stuff is often going on in chat therapy wise or trauma wise, but if we are on this site haven't we all been through heavy stuff ? Otherwise we wouldn't be on this site ... Would we ? Also were else can you chat to people about the heavy stuff ?...I know that chat causes a lot of problems with people having different ideas etc and different mental health problems, but I think it is an amazing tool to be able to talk to very close friends that you have made and sort a lot of issues out that both people can work on together.
@Sammyiam, I'm glad you brought this up. I've seen many productive conversations where members are talking about "the heavy stuff", as you smartly put it. I don't think anyone is meaning to say that's wrong; but it's really easy for that balance to tip, and instead of it being people helping each other, it becomes one person crying for help in a way that seems to almost reward the help-seeker; you get more attention in chat if you aren't doing well. And then other members try and be crisis support, and sometimes that turns out fine, but sometimes it doesn't...and then members say they feel bad, and like they've failed, and then it's just one big self-reinforcing negative-talk pool. Which I don't think the site is about at all.

I guess I'm trying to say, chatting about the heavy stuff always looks like it works when people can self-police and talk the way you would talk in group therapy; but when it turns into crisis intervention and stepping all over each other (and sometimes it really does turn into "who feels worst", which is so unhelpful), that's when it's just kind of gross.
 
I agree totally and I have seen that happen and I don't think that is helpful at all. And it happens quite a lot, but I have also been involved it some amazing chats with just two or three people and it's been great and no one had been * who feels worse* and we have learnt a lot of really good things, that's why I thought that if you could go somewhere with those two or three people and have just a really good talk about stuff it would be a great idea and very rewarding.
 
It was confusing to me when I found the site. Now that I know I can just add to my post i don't need chat so much. When a panic attack kicks I don't hesitate let everyone know. Now I see how my diary can be more useful. It was hard for me to figure out how the site worked
 
This forum has done all sorts of different chat options over the years, private chat, video chat, private rooms, public rooms, Facebook style chat, and on and on the list goes. The problem with those systems is that they're individual and integrated, so off to the side of the forum, so people don't hang around in those chat rooms, or they pop in, nobody home, pop out again... thus we paid extensive amounts of money for something that just didn't work due to how members, pop in, then pop out.

The way we have the chat now, is the only way that has effectively ever worked here, with members constantly using it because it is literally put under their noses on the forum home page, thus they can see anyone in there saying hello, time dated, and thus chats quickly happen. Again, this is the only option that has ever worked well here... thus the ideas of having private rooms, this that and the other, are great in theory, but they all failed overall. Sure, people used to go and have a private chat here and there, but then that left nobody in the chat room again, thus people pop in, see nothing, and leave.

In all the years I've tried around 7+ different chat methods, and this is the only one to work effectively to date... and that's spanning 9 years of running this forum.

Now, as to the subjects being discussed, nobody is saying what you should discuss, but only as @joeylittle outlined above so eloquently, is that a needy person who sucks the life out of everyone around them, is pretty much toxic. Abusive members quickly make chat toxic. There are others...

Nobody is telling anyone what to do, but simply to maybe have a little more respect for others who are trying to help them, instead of abusing them or just sucking the life out of them, with no regard for that help trying to be given freely by others who understand and are empathetic to the needs and issues of trauma.
 
It was hard for me to figure out how the site worked
Many communities are difficult to understand at first, no question about it... and this is part of the process currently being undertaken to try and simplify things, try and bring important aspect to the forefront for new members to get at quickly.

The problem is that human behaviour is unpredictable, at best. Only some go and introduce themselves, so sticky threads in there doesn't capture all members. Only some read rules or policies. Only some actually click on information put in front of them. The list goes on and on... it is hard to capture an effective way for all new members that they find and learn. Even sending welcome PC did nothing to curb this issue, because people ignored it, didn't read it, or didn't know how to read it.

It is an ongoing issue to try and find such methods to capture the largest audience possible to curb new member issues and help get members quickly accustomed to the community features and functions.
 
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