General Losing Patience And Lashing Out--managing Guilt And Frustration

[Bukowski25]

Hi all,

I am new to myPTSD and have never participated in a forum, so I am oddly nervous. Having read through multiple threads I felt an immediate relief at the "support" I felt just by reading about member's similar experiences and emotions.

I have been a relationship with my boyfriend for close to a year, he has PTSD that stems from severe childhood abuse. In our time together he has grown immensely and he is actively involved in therapy. He is very dedicated to our relationship, and his continued compassion and open dialogue has served to help me find the strength to push through rougher periods. I am finding though, that I need something more. I have started seeing a therapist, for my depression, but also as an outlet for venting. It has been helpful, but I find my self seeking more. This is broad, though I am interested in hearing how others deal with the following:

Snapping and residual guilt: This weekend my boyfriend had a day marred by explosive anger and shouting--in public as well as in our apartment. I try to be patient but I was not able to this weekend. A switch flipped and I was angry, I was so frustrated with his inability to control his anger (all stemming from small, insignificant things), his inability to make my feelings a priority, that I made no effort to control my anger. I took his behavior personally, which I know is a mistake. Throughout the day I did two things which I am incredible ashamed of, at one point I snapped and told him to shut up and called him a piece of shit. At another, we were arguing in our apartment and out of no where he screamed "shut up" at the top of his lungs, I acted instinctively out of fear and general surprise and slapped his arm. I am sure my anger fueled the response as well. I was in no way actively trying to invoke his past, they were products of pure spur of the moment anger. Both of these things hurt him incredibly as they linked to his childhood abuse. When we talked about this later, I broke down. I don't want to become THAT PERSON. This angry person. I don't want to degrade him or hurt him, I don't want to act (however slightly) like his mother (the abuser).

Part of me says I am only human, the other is racked with guilt that I reacted to him without control and touched upon the most wounded part of him. How could I let that happen?

It just feels so impossible sometimes, in particular when I am dealing with things in life and need his support-- it's so hard to detach myself from a situation and accept that his anger or his mood or actions are not related to me. It's so hard to be the bigger person, to make him the priority, to deal with feeling abandoned when he is triggered and I need him emotionally. I just fear getting so burned out and frustrated that I transform into an angry bitter person who responds to him with anger. I don't want to become an abuser in that sense...

 

[whserenitynluv]

Another set of allergies just set in. Must be that November rain. :hug: To you. It will be ok. You have no idea what I would give to be there emotionally for someone, it's the only thing that takes me out of my own head. Thank you for sharing such a powerful story.

 

[Bukowski25]

@whserenitynluv :happy: I am happy you were able to connect, I was very ashamed when I wrote this out. It makes me feel better knowing someone took something away from it.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

It just feels so impossible sometimes, in particular when I am dealing with things in life and need his support-- it's so hard to detach myself from a situation and accept that his anger or his mood or actions are not related to me. It's so hard to be the bigger person, to make him the priority, to deal with feeling abandoned when he is triggered and I need him emotionally. I just fear getting so burned out and frustrated that I transform into an angry bitter person who responds to him with anger. I don't want to become an abuser in that sense...

You are in good company around here, and very definitely not alone.

I love my husband dearly, but hate that our relationship is a balancing act. The very person I should share my worries with, is the actual person I usually have to keep them from.

 

[Bukowski25]

Thanks for reaching out @Purplemunchkin, there is an incredible amount of comfort in finding a community to relate to. I am still adjusting to finding that balance, I ideally want him to support me in all respects I would desire from any partner. The challenge is holding out until the appropriate time, rather than being able to come to him precisely when I need him I need to feel out his mood and energy. If I sense that my worries will be a stressor for him I need to have the patience to wait until the moment feels right. That has not been easy for me lately, particularly since he is dealing with triggers related to his EMDR treatments. I find myself being the rock most nights of the week every week.

Do you feel there are some things you ultimately need to turn to another support system (friend, family etc.) for, or that your partner can be that source of comfort and support if he is in a good emotional place? I suppose if the particular worries are directly related to a trigger that may mean the former.
(You don't have to answer if that is too personal btw!)

 

[Purplemunchkin]

He can be a source of comfort and support, but only within certain parameters and, as you say, only if he is in a good emotional place. On the whole we have a good system for communication and space.

However, he cannot cope with me being truly upset, and it is a big stressor for him. Unfortunately, sometimes you just can't hide it (for example when my cat was put to sleep, or when I was in a car accident).

Obviously I would ideally want a cuddle, but failing that I want to be left alone to work through it. He can't do either of those and will respond by ranting at me.

The rants are illogical and just upset me more, but he can't stop himself. And the irony in it all is that he shouts at me because he loves me and doesn't want me to be upset, and he hates the fact that he can't be there for me the way I need.

I don't feel that I can turn to anyone else as they would want to know why I wasn't being 'looked after' by hubby, and he would feel betrayed at me 'going behind his back'.

It's not easy. But knowing there are other people out there in a similar boat really does help!

 

[Bukowski25]

@Purplemunchkin Thank you for responding. I found my therapist because I needed someone I could talk to about his bad times and past history without invading his privacy. There have been times when I talk to friends about "bad" times but they don't really get it--so, somewhat similarly to the 'not looked after' judgement you described, I fear that they would think he was simply a bad guy. This community is a great help as you say. Thanks agian.

 

[Toria]

Just thinking aloud, but the only way you would "become the abuser" is if you purposefully slapped his arm to provoke a PTSD reaction. I personally think what you did was reach the end of your tether and snapped. Ok it wasn't the best thing you could have done, but providing it was done in all innocence at the time I don't think you should be beating yourself up as an abuser.

I too have reached the end of my tether - I have had an itchy palm. Thankfully I tend to burst in to tears before I get to that stage.

Do you have any kind of outside support? A Councillor? It sounds very much as if you need to get these feelings out in a proactive way so that you don't react to him in that way again.

Best of luck x

 

[Bukowski25]

@Toria Thank you for saying that, the intention wasn't there--I have forgiven myself as well as apologized for responding in that manner, but it feels very nice to have someone unbiased affirm that. I generally respond in tears when I am upset (angry, frustrated or sad), but in this instance we had a patch of bad days and continuous rough points that left me feeling hardened and I gave in in a terrible way.

I have recently started seeing a therapist, in addition to joining this site. Both have been spaces to let out frustration, and this site has provided me with some much needed common ground and understanding. We have both set in place firm rules about taking breaks, for both of our benefits whenever we feel something could be brewing. Both of us are allowed to call them, and we take at least 5 minutes to cool down in our own way--his in breathing exercises, generally mine in putting things into perspective and listening to music to settle my thoughts.