Setting Safe Boundaries With People Who Forget?

[Sunset]

This is an ongoing struggle I've been having. I have a few people in my family who just forget everything I say, it seems. And it's made it almost impossible to set boundaries, because inevitably the response is "But you never said anything about that, you always were ok with me doing that and suddenly you're mad at me for crossing an invisible line?" But unless I scream it in their faces, they forget almost anything I say about boundaries. And then are confused and hurt when they're enforced, yet often forget again until I actually lose my temper.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I hear your frustration. Hugs if you accept.

Boundary building is generally regarded for oneself first and "other" focus next. Boundaries require much work through life as we can bust our own boundaries with ease or at times need to adapt new boundaries for new challenges. Others may or may not give regard to what someone wants and then we must have a X,Y and Z plan or conversation. This link is for marriage, however it works in most dynamics:
[DLMURL]http://ezinearticles.com/?Strategies-For-Communicating-Effectively-With-Your-Partner-%28Part-1%29&id=3201170[/DLMURL]

But unless I scream it in their faces, they forget almost anything I say about boundaries

There are many boundary books available to assist with methods that allow connectivity versus reactivity. Screaming although it may feel powerful, it is loss of control and considered by many as verbally abusive.

And then are confused and hurt when they're enforced, yet often forget again until I actually lose my temper

Loosing one's temper is not showing boundary enforcement or significance. It is teaching people you are reactive and that their walking on eggshells is necessary to maintain peace.

So although I can understand and empathize with your situation, perhaps consider that there are alternatives for instilling your needs and wants with those you are engaging among. Anger management techniques & boundaries are a pretty hot topic in therapy, literature, you tube and pop psychology. Consider adding to your options a way that you might want others to treat you as well...with respect and open dialog.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

You may have to get very literal with them and say "I am telling you right now that XYZ behavior is unacceptable to me. If you do it again, I will get upset. And after that, if you do not stop, then you WILL have less of a presence in my life." It may seem a little blunt, but they aren't getting it so yeah, you've gotta be up front and direct about it. If they do not stop their behavior, then you have to be willing to walk away. We tell people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them. If you aren't willing to walk away, that's an indication to them that their behavior isn't that bad.

The truth of the matter is that people oftentimes don't like it when we change. They go up in arms when we start standing up for ourselves. You've gotta stay strong and repeat yourself, and be willing to speak by walking away if it comes to that.

 

[Nam]

@Sunset Can you give us an example? I'm having trouble seeing where you can divert the attention so that there is no boundary breach.

 

[sun seeker]

Could you try writing down what you have told them, so they can't claim you never said it?

 

[Kefira]

Oh my goodness I understand this. One of my close supporters is this way. He's become less close because of this.

I have had to really stress the things I can't handle. Like, To the tune of "Here is what I'm saying, can you repeat back what you hear?.... I need you to understand that this is a trigger/boundary/hard limit, and that if this happens again, there will be serious consequences for our friendship. Do you understand?"

At that point, if it still happens, then at least I tried. I'm sympathetic to a certain amount of forgetfulness, but eventually it really just adds up to self-centered mentality and a lack of respect.

 

[Sighs]

I'm no expert but my understanding is that you can only ever set boundaries for yourself. Because you are the only person whose behaviour you can control.

Eg:

The boundary is not "If you hit me I will leave you."

The boundary is "if he hits me I must leave him."

By all means communicate your boundaries to others, but remember that they are your boundaries not theirs and that you are only responsible for your own actions.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Sighs ...very wise.

 

[Sunset]

I'm thinking more, I say, "I need you to not be criticizing XYZ about me. For right now I'm not going to listen to any more comments about XYZ."

They nod and say ok, that's fine, they'll do that.

Then the next day, they start in on criticizing XYZ, I say no this isn't ok and leave the conversation. Suddenly they're surprised because why am I walking out all of a sudden, I never said anything to them before and now I'm acting like it's this big huge thing and couldn't I have just talked to them? And they don't understand why they have to walk on eggshells all the time around me when I just walk off like that all of a sudden from something that's been perfectly ok before, without any warning.

Also, as a side note, I have never ever had the "I feel" statements work. Usually the response I've gotten has been pretty much confusion - why are you telling me about your problems? If you feel a certain way that's something you need to work on. And then the same forgetfulness.

I hate screaming and I hate myself for doing it. I don't do it often but I've noticed no matter how many different things I've tried yelling is the ONLY thing that seems to get certain people to remember that I said anythng, at least without causing a huge amount of drama or being labelled passive-aggressive. It seems like I have some people where I have to actually lose control before they'll take me seriously. Backwards, I know.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Sunset ...cool if that is what you believe, then you are being open and vulnerable with that choice of reaction. I hear that.

So...do you have children yet? Just asking as this pattern will be taught to them by your choices, you know? They will believe it is the only choice to be heard, really heard like you show them.
*That is when I started another serious bout of therapy...when I wanted to break the cycle for my son to have a better life, a better parent. I walked in the office and said to the shrink. "I verbally abuse people, help me stop."

Didn't matter to me, why I did it, if it was justified...just didn't want to keep the pattern going from my Dad and Mom. I wanted to be proactive. Where, when did your pattern start?

 

[Friday]

I keep it simple:

I say stop.

If they don't stop? I walk out.

I always place the burden of my boundaries on me. Other people are going to do as they like. Including be pissed at me for standing up in the middle of a family dinner, hugging everyone goodbye (including the person who wouldn't stop), taking my son, and driving away.

My family caught on very quickly, that when I say stop? I mean it. Do they try to give me shit over it :D Of course. No skin off my nose. I just grin & say "Yep!" when they start in on 'taking my ball & going home' or whatever. I don't go for passive aggressive bullshit. No one can pack my bags for a guilt trip, but me.

I have hard limits & soft limits. Hard limits / boundaries... I walk over.
Soft limits / preferences... I'm willing to argue about or debate.

Hard limits I tell. I may even give a warning.
Soft limits I ask or remind, and am willin to negotiate.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Hard limits I tell.
Soft limits I ask.

Awesome. I did the same thing insofar as leaving with my son (when he was little) during some boundary bunk at a family dinner. My Mom thought she could hit my son for correction. I put him in the car gently with nurturing and walked in back slowly...never raised my voice nor hand. Just presented the facts of my boundaries and the future impact of a repeated performance. My therapy had already taken some root and spared reactive retaliation. However, the message was clear.