Trouble Expressing Wants And Needs?

[MCT91]

Well, everyone has something in common here. It's easier to be around people who are understanding of another's condition and people who are generally more kind because they been through stuff themselves. I say embrace it, as these events and pain help shape and mold us. I believe there's reasons for things that happen. May it be because one day someone will come along and need the same help you did and now you have the experience to guide them to a better path, or because that is what is needed to develop the qualities/build the person you are intended to be down the road, but when the midnight hours burn there's always a sunrise that follows

 

[Rumors]

Yes, and it sucks...

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks everyone for your comments. Some of the things that you have described seem similar to what my guy does. He is, very very slowly, getting better at asserting himself, but this is after months and months of me effectively taking a back seat and letting him 'drive', so to speak. I let him decide what he wants to do on most matters that involve both of us, because I usually don't really mind either way, and I don't want to 'take over' with regards to decision making in our relationship. I'm not certain if that's the right way to play it, but it seems to be working (I will add that if it's a matter that is important to me, I will make my wants/needs known). BTW, my guy's PTSD is not a result of any sort of childhood abuse. It's military in nature, but he's not a combat vet.

The times when this is the most evident - and the most confusing for me - is when it comes to intimacy - spending time together, sex, etc. He seems to have a very difficult time admitting that he enjoys these things - even though his behaviour indicates to me that he does. I try not to take it personally, although I must admit, it would be nice if he was able to tell me that he desires me and wants to be around me.

It bothers me a little that he doesn't seem to feel comfortable telling me what he wants. I'm not sure how best to encourage him, maybe I should just keep going the way I have been and in time he will slowly improve. I suspect that fear of commitment and fear of rejection are still major issues for him. In fact, he did tell me recently that he was still being 'cautious' regarding our relationship. I wish now that I'd asked him exactly what he meant by this, but from the context of that conversation, I assume he meant that he is protecting himself in case things don't work out between us. Admittedly, I'm still feeling a bit like this too - after all, it's still early days for us and we've both been badly hurt before.

 

[Friday]

Absolutely! & Not at all. ;) Clear as mud?

What I do know... I am very direct about. I don't hint. I don't say one thing and mean another. There is no agenda. Good or bad.

I tend to excell in fast paced, crisis based environments... I can see what needs to be done, and can either fill it myself or direct others to. ((I'm good at motivating other people, bad at manipulating them. I have no long game. It's all in the immediate or near future.)) There is a lot of clarity of purpose. Not all battlefield or emergency room type stuff, either. Give me a house full of 5 ADHD boys going full tilt bogey any day of the week over 2 quiet, plays nicely on their own / you won't even know they're here type kids. Ditto, sports involving a broken neck if you screw it up (surfing, snowboarding, rapelling), that require constant adaptation to changing circumstance? On it like white on rice.

Enter the problems...

My bar for needs & wants is set very low and slightly skewed. If there is an immediate need or want (as above) whether important or utterly trivial (life & death to pancakes shaped like planets) I'm rockin awesome at expressing it and/or carrying it out. Take away the immediacy? Pfft. Forgetabout it!!!

- Needs are air, water, shelter, and food waved in my general direction from time to time. Anything more is a "want", and my wants don't matter. I don't expect to get what I want, try to want as little as possible (because it hurts less that way)... And try to make the best of whatever I have.
- A whole bunch of other stuff, that I know is in large part irrational thinking & low self esteem. Which would just be depressing to list out.
- I honestly don't know. LOL. Meaning that answer you get? It's not lack of caring (at least when I say it), but an honest answer. I don't know what I want, in that moment, at that time. It's like the wait-hourglass on a loading page. And it's just spinning, and spinning, and spinning... But I can't find two brain cells to rub together and get a spark! I tend to become friends/lovers with some very bossy people... Because I loooooooove not having to make decisions all the time. It's a win/win. :D :D :D They get to do what they want, when, and how... And have me along, totally happy to be doing exactly what they want! Note: not abusive, narcissistic, in need of a codependent doormat to do their bidding whatever people. Bossy. Alpha personality. Like to be in the drivers seat but still really care for & about others. Its a good fit. I'm pretty beta (not submissive, but a follower, not a leader) in a lot of ways, and driven people are relaxing to be around.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm not sure it goes with PTSD - my husband drives me to distraction by doing this, but I'm the one with PTSD. Even when I say "I can't decide which TV programme to watch from these two" he will back off from expressing a preference.

 

[jaccat]

Yes absolutely. In my case it's because there's this little voice in my head telling me I don't have the right to have wants! It can be a right nightmare at times. Sometimes I annoy myself because I can't get out of my own way.

My best friends, while not having PTSD, didn't exactly have a great upbringing themselves (they're twins). The three of us together are terrible. I used to joke that we had thought about starting up an indecisive club but couldn't decide whether we should or not ;)

Imagine what we're like ordering food in restaurants....

 

[shimmerz]

Why on earth would I want to express my wants and needs when it was those very things that were used to control me? If I had a want and expressed it then my mother knew how to 'take away' from me. If I smiled or laughed, it was taken away from me. If a light shone in my eye over something, that something would strangely disappear. What reason would I ever have had then to show or acknowledge my joy of things?

Then it enters....the flat affect. Deciding that liking nothing was better than liking something and having it taken away by the very people who were meant to share in my joy.

My apologies. Rant over.

 

[Mandy12]

He sounds like my partner who also was in military, but ptsd wasn't combat related. He also always said " what ever you'd like darling"," I don't mind " and " you decide".

Very passive and neutral.

He also has had major issues with sex he refuses it but does enjoy it, won't allow me to initiate.
We haven't had any relations in over a year and before that it was also a year. He is porn addict but refuses to discus the matter.

Unfortunately things have gone so bad I have decided to move on as Ive realised he is very clever at lying and stonewalling and gaslighting.

He also at times have accused me of " never doing what he wants " which is completely untrue as I always am happy to do what he wants if he makes a decision. But it's rare and after pressing the matter and him telling me to decide, I take the lead.

I've realised his accusation of me being bossy is his way of gaslighting me and throwing me off, doubting myself.

 

[scout86]

Why on earth would I want to express my wants and needs when it was those very things that were used to control me?

For some reason, that's never occurred to me! I like to say, ":Anything you say can and will be used against you" when asked "Why didn't you SAY something?" You might have the reason, or part of it!

 

[Mandy12]

I have thought if withholding affection is passive aggressive way to punish me for something. Maybe it is I dont know, control thing. But it also has trained me to not to ask sex anymore and be careful not to touch in sexual way, as I know it's not going to happen. Whenever I would bring the issue up he would just silently sit there looking like I've just asked him to do the dishes or something and wont acknowledge this is hurting me.now I just don't ask anymore.

 

[Ellabella44]

Yes problem with wants and needs definately. especially if feeling symptoms alot. Even a major thing like did we want our cats ashes after she was put down last friday, I couldnt make a decision. Too emotional to make a do i or dont i so my husband decided for me.

As for intimacy issues, some things that feel good, feel bad. I have to take hugs from my children for instance because I dont want to disturb them because i am having a problem accepting hugs right now. With my husband , a hug has to be on my terms, because i feel ok enough to balance the guilt I have of him seeing me in pain with my need to be comforted. And my mother and father living with them made hugs unsafe. Comfort a thing to be given just to accept apology that things are ok now after an event, but they werent because they would happen again.

Sex is another issue entirely for me, need to feel some sort of control, feel safe that it is my husband not someone else if im anxious that day. But like the moving truck problem, I try to just move out of the way the head space that tells me its unsafe, to turn this into a need to connect to him , a way to say i love him and need him with me if i have trouble feeling it or expressing it any other way.

 

[Wastinglight]

He sounds like my partner who also was in military, but ptsd wasn't combat related. He also always said " what ever you'd like darling"," I don't mind " and " you decide".

I think with my guy it's more a case that he does actually know what he wants, but it's like he doesn't feel comfortable in being forthright about it. A lot of the time it feels like he's trying to keep me happy. Which is really nice and all, but I haven't managed to get across to him that it would actually make me happy if he would just tell me what he wants. He is slowly getting better at this....