Scout86 (hope it's ok to paraphrase
@scout86 !) said on another thread on what to expect in therapy for SI that her T said that he believes that everything we do (including suicidality) at some point is the option we choose (the best one we can find) to save our lives, it's adaptive.
It, & what you said, got me thinking. I wish I could break it down more logically but here goes. I know this much of myself:
1. Suicide doesn't seem life saving.
2. Suicide seems the highest form of self-hatred (i.e. self-murder).
3. Suicide, even if it's meant as escape from pain, seems to involve self-blame. For example, feeling like a burden also equates to feeling badly for being a burden.
4. I don't entertain thoughts of suicide to relieve pain (though they may coincide with self-hatred); I feel quite ambivalent about it.
5. I don't often feel angry, naturally I wonder if this is abnormal. With the caveat I realize we need to feel & be safe enough to do so, & have enough courage & faith +/or self-esteem & skills to express it, & also not to fear world-ending or relationship-ending consequences.
Additionally, I literally 'found' a book once, in the intro by Dr Bernie Siegel he said his suicidal clients were usually super kind/ sweet/ sensitive, & he said all (unanimously) of the clients opted for suicide rather than retribution on those who did them harm. When he asked one man "Why?" the man said "because he didn't want to become like them". I didn't understand what he meant, I thought maybe the man meant he worried he'd ('genetically' or otherwise become abusive too).
I'm wondering, maybe suicidality is not to save our life, but to save our integrity, or 'life' as we know it ? (Quality of life)? That 'becoming like them' is referred to feeling anger, or hate, etc- the very things others' actions have entailed? And for some of us, perhaps it's not just not expressing anger but sincerely not being inclined (or no longer inclined) to anger as a response?
I once read of a woman who recovered & became a T herself that said "I may not have to kill myself if you can understand why I feel I have to kill myself". (Which is hard to do when one can't understand themself!) But maybe the self-hatred comes from cognitive dissonance that results from feeling responses or engaging in thoughts or actions that result in guilt, pain & shame that are incongruent with being true to ourselves? Being in between a rock & a hard place: either become 'like them' or prevent that from happening, like Dr Siegel said. In a sense, putting an end to harm, not the harm of what others are doing but of who or how we may (fear?) we may become or think we are becoming if we feel those things, & what harm we would then cause (potentially) or feel we are causing to others? (Which naturally coincides with self-blame, self-disgust,self-hatred, & self-responsibility to stop it when we are familiar with it, & it's not the kind of person we want to be or can live with (ourselves) ).
What do you think?
