Hmmm. Like you
@cupfish my traumas started very early in child development... sadly though mine continued through my adult years for a good while.
My own take about "recovering memories" is just an opinion I formed for myself... because it was my experience, personally that several of my child memories and impressions were quite wrong based on the evidence and input from extended family members who were trustworthy. I understood, fairly quickly as a result in recovery not to accept every remembrance as fact or true. The situations that were processed in therapy were the "biggies"... the ones I did remember mostly. During the process, when new ones would seem to surface (often for me during sleep rather than in flashback though I flash back occasionally too), I would seek out independent perspectives with my extended family members where possible to "test" it against the memories, recollections and perceptions of people who were at or near adulthood at that time.
As I am now in my mid 50's that window has pretty much closed... those that remain (family members) have their own dysfunctions. So I switched tactics several years ago... and choose not to negate OR accept the truth of a memory. I chalk it up to "unknowable" or "unverifiable" and leave it at that. I tend to manage the mental/emotional stuff better than I used to... it used to be a ruminative or compulsive thinking pattern for me. When something new would surface, I'd latch on to it for days and maybe weeks seemingly unable to let it go. It was hard to break that pattern.
Like you share, " I would rather have my past be blank". But unlike "than re-live what my mind found so damaging it blocked the event from my consciousness", for me in the longer term it was more beneficial to frame it without defensive or fear based thinking so it ended up being something like (sorry don't remember exactly): "I would rather have blank spots in my past than accept a potentially false child impression as true and correct unless it can be verified and established independently." Now that has turned into "The family members I trusted and who were assisting me to rectify my past are gone/deceased. I have direct evidence that not all memories I had as a child were correct and accurate. Therefore, without evidence I choose to manage "new" memories without judgment about their correctness and truth."
Don't know if I wrote this at all well... or if it will make sense to anybody but it does to me. I'd written about it before here somewhere but not recently. Basically the two things that gave me some insight on this had nothing much to do with traumas at all. One was saying "my fraternal grandfather was 6'4" (he died when I was 15 and going through some of the worst of the domestic violence situations in our home - 11 to 15.) Talking to an aunt 10 years my senior I said that and she said, "6'4"? Charlie wasn't 6'4" he was 5' 11" (or 10?)" She was interested in how I got this and accepted it as truth so she stayed on the phone and chased it down the rabbit hole with me.
Basically, my "memory" was quite wrong but it was an approximation of a valid child's impression (she and I decided). He was significantly taller than my grandmother who was 4'10". He was thin and lanky in appearance. He had a preference for long cardigans over a dress shirt and with his trousers. She pulled some photos and when these were added up... yes he did look quite tall but the truth was he was not 6'4".
The other one was about my fraternal grandmother who died of complications of colon cancer when I was 9. In the 1960's it was not often the habit of adults to discuss illnesses, acute or otherwise... and my family did not directly discuss death or her various hospitalizations. As my father was diagnosed with kidney cancer and his sister dealing with sigmoid carcinoma (the one who assisted me above)... we were on the phone and dad was talking about his fears and preferences. I said a number of things but then said, "I'm pretty much okay with treatment options, things are a lot better than they used to be as long as I don't go piece by piece like grandmother did."
Again (rare for him) I was queried and we processed what I remembered and why it was not true. Because It was my father, I also called the aunt who was 19 at that time and she validated what my father told me. Same flawed memory based on a child's interpretation of events in the absence of being given facts. This time basically I was aware that she was ill. I was aware of surgery and hyper aware of concerns about cutting (surgery) and that it was dire and she might die (all true). But my "observations" during these events and hospitalizations was where apparently I already had developed the behavior of trusting my own observations and not (because it wasn't safe) asking.
All my grandmother's clothing had to be shortened unless they were home made. Due to her illness and the progression, she was no longer able to do this. My wrong interpretation was that she endured multiple amputations (toes, foot, below the knee). Her complications were gangrene and these options were discussed but not true or correct. However when combined with what I observed... not being able to see her toes, feet or legs... my child mind accepted totally wrong conclusion and I accepted it as being true for 3 decades.
Long winded but, with respect to "memories from my childhood" - especially from earlier childhood and during the times where I was experiencing repeat traumas or new traumas... I try to stick with and process those things I know and have validated to be true and correct. The rest I throw in the "unlikely to be resolved/unknowable box". For those I try to use my management tools.
P.S. My shrink was the quiet type... but in therapy as I related the experiences, problem solved, and arrived at the conclusion I shared actually was grinning like a Cheshire cat and nodding rather vigorously... which to me seemed like two thumbs up, applause and a "Bravo!"
