General Is It True If He Says He Does Not Mind? Question For Vets And Spouses

[moonbeam]

Hmm that's a good question Lemontree. I think its just been since the breakdown and diagnosis of PTSD that I have felt this fear. I used to be more capable of doing things but then I was trying to burying everything and eventually crashed myself into a wall.

I think the places I have the biggest issue with are just large open crowded areas. Huge crowds are horrible.

And something about grocery stores but only in the UK, American ones are fine. No idea. Occasionally certain social engagements.

But I think is still the same that we would rather our spouses have fun without us than be miserable with us. I don't think anyone really minds their loved ones doing things. The only thing I might mind is if its something I feel like I should be able to do but can't and even then its not usually the thing and more the desire to be with my partner while he is getting the enjoyment. I think if he came back from something I couldn't go to and lied and said it was bad, or didn't tell me than I would be more upset.

I think it also says a lot that he trusts you to be able to say he can't do something than trying to tough it out and make things worse for everyone. Being able to say that he isn't capable of something is huge in itself.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@Lemontree I wouldn't feel bad about going someplace without him especially if you know that it could/does trigger him. For instance my family went to the old part of town where they still have small shops and stuff when it was nice outside and we went into a chocolate shop and the chocolate shop got crowded very quickly and I told my wife that I would be outside with the boys and that she could look around and she said are you sure and I was very excited to be able to escape the crowded chocolate store and I was truly happy that she was able to look around at the stuff in the chocolate story.

If she had said "I don't even want to go to this chocolate shop. Let's just do something else" - would that have been better or worse?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Hmm that's a good question Lemontree. I think its just been since the breakdown and diagnosis of PTSD that I have felt this fear. I used to be more capable of doing things but then I was trying to burying everything and eventually crashed myself into a wall.

Most unfortunately he does not trust me at all. Don't know what I did to deserve this or if this stuff is just something he does not like to talk about... I really knew next to nothing about him when I married him and am not sure if I know so much about him now.

Just to give an example... my husband has a nickname. His buddies called him by this name, never by his real name. I did not learn until we married. All his buddies knew but I didn't and when they first mentioned his nickname I said "who is that?"... my husband is very different when with other men... sometimes I think I have no idea. I have no idea about his military experience or the military at all. I don't know much about his current civvy job and whenever I ask him he tells me a lot of things that make no sense to me because I am not from his line of work (and unfortunately not as smart as him). Guess he thinks I am dull. I only understand half of the words he is using. Add to that that he is not talkative. He does not talk about what triggers him or his trauma.
BTW I noticed that @Santa_Laurie always stop at one point when talking about his life. Just like this.

I am n ot even sure if my husband does think that womenfolk can be trusted. He is a traditionalist/like some men trditionally are in my country when it come to this.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

The caveat on this one is being willing to follow through with whatever their answer is.

More often than not he says he wants to be left alone when he is upset.:O_o::nailbiting::wtf: Difficult to deal with that and I don't know if he REALLY wants to be left alone.
See... I sometimes say I want to be left alone only to wait if the person cares enough about me to not leave me alone.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Whenever I try to talk with him about our lack of communication he feels nagged :(

 

[holdenmonty]

If she had said "I don't even want to go to this chocolate shop. Let's just do something else" - would that have been better or worse?

I would have felt bad because I know that she loves chocolate, and I know that I would have been the reason that she said that she didn't even want to go to the chocolate shop. Even though I'm sure we still would have had a great time I would have felt bad that she didn't get to go into a shop that I know she would enjoy.

 

[holdenmonty]

Most unfortunately he does not trust me at all. Don't know what I did to deserve this or if this stuff is just something he does not like to talk about

For me before I first started getting help the first time I didn't trust my wife at all. After the stuff from my deployment and the place I was living in was broken into twice in the same week and the police and landlord were zero help my brain jumped to not trusting anybody, and had to do a lot of work in my therapy sessions and work on my own to get the the point where I can trust some people but trust is still a big issue for me.

Add to that that he is not talkative. He does not talk about what triggers him or his trauma.

I am very similar it takes a lot of work on my part and usually several alcoholic beverages for me to talk about what triggers me or my trauma. I think that is partially why I did the video because I want people to be able to get help from my story but I don't want to tell it a whole bunch of times. I have a big fear of needles and the sight of my own blood to the point that I usually get light headed and almost pass out when I have to get blood drawn and I think I would rather donate blood then tell my story over and over if I don't feel comfortable in the setting or people that I'm telling.

 

[moonbeam]

Okay. A. If you don't want to be alone, don't tell people to leave you alone. If you want to work on communication try this too. Not criticising or judging at all. Its just that sometimes when people leave you alone it is because they care and are respecting your wishes. If they stay when you don't want them to that isn't really love. Some people do want to be left alone. I prefer to walk it out when things are troubling me. Stick on my headphones and just go on a walk. So if you told me you wanted to be alone I would leave you out of respect. As I would expect to be left alone when I asked. Get what I mean?

B. Just because he doesn't share doesn't mean he doesn't trust you. I don't share with my husband. Its not a lack of trust. Its just its difficult, its emotionally charged. Its vulnerable and that's difficult. Its not that I don't trust him to be vulnerable its just not somewhere I want to be. Some people prefer to work on it with Ts more than spouses. Spouses should be spouses. Ts should be Ts.
Is that fair to our partners? Yes and no. Yes because Ts are trained to deal with it and the relationship is solely for this purpose. Whereas spouses aren't trained to and the relationship is more and its more complicated. One is a therapist-patient one sided relationship of care (not that you can't care for or like your T but the purpose is one sided). The other is a partnership that should be more equal in care. So in that aspect its fair. But at the same time it can be unfair to partners that they are dealing with their spouses issues with limited knowledge.

I think I'm rambling now. Anyway :hug: if you accept them. I hope this has helped.

 

[holdenmonty]

@moonbeam I really like and agree with what you said about not sharing with your husband because I don't really share much with my wife for pretty much the exact same reason. You weren't rampling it was very good information. I'm also the same way I like black and white if somebody asks me to leave them alone or to give them some space I will let them know that I'm here when they are ready and give leave them alone or give them some space. Saying one thing and meaning something else drives me a little nuts just because my wife use to do it so much before she decided that she wanted to understand me more. I think the majority of our arguements are when she thinks that I will do something but because she didn't ask me to I didn't do it because I didn't know she wanted me to do it or she said one thing but really meant another.

 

[StarChild]

Saying one thing and meaning something else drives me a little nuts

Very understandable.

I think the majority of our arguements are when she thinks that I will do something but because she didn't ask me to I didn't do it because I didn't know she wanted me to do it or she said one thing but really meant another.

Such contradictory behaviour as you describe above, is a typical female thing. But not really a helpful one though... (Although, there are also men who practice this. But that's quite the exception of the rule.) Women need to learn, that men don't "function" this way, and, they also need to learn, that such behaviour is kind of manipulating and will backfire sooner or later.

In my marriage, it was exactly the other way round. My ex-husband did this a lot. Such behaviour makes me very angry. I always told my ex-husband, that "I mean what I say, and I say what I mean". And that I would expect this attitude from others as well. By the way, I'm the one with PTSD...

See... I sometimes say I want to be left alone only to wait if the person cares enough about me to not leave me alone.

Why playing such "games"? No wonder you doubt the words of your husband, when your own statements isn't as honest as it should be, in a relationship... Again mean what you say, and say what you mean. No games. They won't lead you nowhere but into frustration, doubts and fights. Do you know the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Gray? It's a very recommendable read.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

For me before I first started getting help the first time I didn't trust my wife at all.

But you now do trust your wife, don't you?

I am quite the opposite. I don't trust the world. I am always expecting doom and gloom and honestly surprised if it does not happen but I do have a great trust in the people I like.

@holdenmonty: Why don't you like to talk about triggers without talking about your story?

 

[Deleted member 28812]

@TreeHugger: If that's true my vet must be female. He never discussed his triggers with me and I asked him "Is this a trigger for you"... Noooo... but then he had a PTSD attack... and finally I can be sure crowds do trigger him... but it's okay. I am happy I do understand him now.

So most unfortunately he always pretends to go along with my plans - even if it is not doable for him...

I do ask him how he thinks about something... "Oh, excellent idea". Is he sure he can do this? "Yes, sure" :(