Relationship Ptsd, Control And Rules

[Wastinglight]

Just wondered if other supporters experience this. The longer I am with my guy, the more 'rules' he seems to implement concerning what behaviour is acceptable in his house/presence. I understand that this is an attempt to control his environment to avoid things that make him anxious. He's explained this, and I can kind-of relate, as I have acted a bit like that at times in the past, when my anxiety was very bad.

Some of them are reasonable rules (e.g. don't drive any closer to the car in front of you on the highway than 3 car lengths), others are inconsequential and pernickity (close the washing machine door like *this*), but lately there have been a few requests that I feel are impinging on who I am as a person. For example, he doesn't want me singing when I'm at his house. I love singing, and I sing when I'm happy. I'm really not that bad a singer, but more to the point I enjoy it. I only sing softly, and not very often. It's one of the ways I express myself. He doesn't like it though - he says it distracts him from his thoughts and irritates him.

I've told him how I feel, and his concession was that I could sing when I'm in the shower, but that's it. I'm not sure how I feel about this. It makes me a little sad that I can't sing when I feel like it. It feels a bit like he's rejecting part of who I am. Or perhaps I am just being too sensitive.

There are days where I feel like I am constantly being reprimanded (gently, but still), and I feel like I can't do a thing right. My anxiety goes up in these situations, because I have a 'people pleasing' type of personality. And of course, I don't want to be responsible for making him feel more anxious either. He has definitely been more irritable since he started these new meds, and I suspect this has something to do with his being a bit more controlling lately.

I don't think he likes this new tendency to be irritable and controlling either. After he implemented his 'no singing' rule the other day, he then said "This is one of the reasons why I have stayed single for so long, I'm a crap boyfriend." At other times, he has commented that he feels like he is becoming his parents, harping on about 'little' things' all the time. But still the 'rules' stay in place.

Does anyone else experience this in their relationship, and how do you deal with it? Currently we are trying to manage conflicting needs by both agreeing to make compromises (although even by his own admission, I have made more than my fair share of concessions). It's working fairly well so far.

Perhaps the main reason it bugs me is because it reminds me a bit of my last relationship, even though my current man is nothing like my ex. ie. he's helluva lot nicer (my ex did acquire PTSD in the last few years of the relationship, but he was a very controlling person the whole way through the relationship).

Thanks all :)

 

[Wastinglight]

I guess another reason why I feel a bit weird about his current guy's behaviour is because my ex was a narcissist. My ex's rules started off fairly reasonable, but over time became more and more UNreasonable (and there was more and more of them). This happened almost imperceptibly over time until one day I suddenly thought "What the hell am I doing? This is ridiculous, he has me running in circles trying to please him all the time!" I am still sometimes gripped with fear at the thought that I will let myself be controlled to that extent again. It terrifies me.

 

[Friday]

As a sufferer I have gone off the bloody deep end with "rules".

What finally pulled my head (most of the way?) out of my ass was having a child. You can't have 10,000 rules with children. They don't grok it. So I had to simplify like a motherf*cker. Low and behold? Life. Got. So. Much. Better. It really is true : The more laws, the less justice.

Come to find, by simplifying my rules enough so a 2yo can both understand and execute them? I went from 10,000 to maybe a dozen or two. And they're flexible, adaptable, easy to work with. A few examples:

House Rules

Compromise is when both people are happy. Not 1 person happy & 1 person sacrificing.

How that works... (Baseline rules, apply to all house rules. There are other baselines, these are just the ones that apply in this circumstance)

If you want something? Ask.
If you ask? No is always an okay answer.
If it's not a question, don't ask. Tell.
Everyone has the right to make their own decisions.
The person it bothers most "wins". They get to fix the problem. ;)

In this case... If I wanted to concentrate? I'd ask you to stop singing. You could say nope! I'm totally rockin out right now. Cause I asked. I didn't tell. So you have 2 choices. Keep singing if you want to, or stop if you decide to. If so? I'm going to go elsewhere to concentrate (or put in earphones, or whatever). No animus. I'd prefer to stay here (or not wear earphones, or whatever), which is why I asked... To give you the opportunity to decide, Instead of making that decision for you, and getting all resentful over it. Conversely, if I needed to stay here (or be able to hear, or whatever), instead of going someplace else to concentrate I wouldn't ask. I'd tell. Heya... I need silence right now. Which means you have the option to keep singing elsewhere, or stay here silent. Again, I'm not going to make that decision for you.

In both cases, asking and telling... The person it bothers has the option to go elsewhere, or do something that fixes the problem they're having, and that's fair. In both cases? No animus on the person with the problem fixing it. It's only fair that both people get to do what they want, and that both people get what they need. That's compromise.

By simplifying 2,174 rules down to 1 (what's a compromise, and how to apply it) it means that I can be pretty dynamic, and so can my child/partner/etc. It applies to dozens of day to day interactions. Like if my partner has a child free night out, and I'm jealous? I don't cancel their night out. I add one of my own. If it drives me insane the toilet paper is on "Wrong"? It's my problem. I get to fix it. Not lay it on anyone else's doorstep to fix for me. 2 happy people. Waaaaay better than 1 happy person!

Just to example out a couple more HouseRules v Baseline Rules ( (; cause rules are fun)

When is it okay to yell? When there is danger, or you're far away.
Absolutely any time, yelling is 100% okay when there is danger or you're far away. If you want to yell? Because you're grumpy, or the football game is coming on, or whatever? Baseline rule: Ask. The other person can smile & say sure... Can smile & say, then I'm gonna take myself elsewhere... Can smile & say no way Jose. Which means Shouty McYellerson can go shout out in the yard, or scream their balls off at the pub, or suck it up and decide not to yell.

Mistakes happen. Fix them.
In either case, a person might yell on accident or start singing when they decided to be quiet. Oops. Sorry about that. And stop. Or go elsewhere. Or ask if it's alright. Conversely, it's just rude to bawl someone out about a mistake. If they've fixed them? That's the whole point. Drop it. There's no need to be rude. Ditto, asking 10,000 times isn't asking. It's pestering. That's also rude.

When is it okay to attack someone? When you're defending yourself, somebody else, or learning how to fight. // Being rude is attacking somebody without touching them. Same rule applies.

The purpose of a rule is to keep people safe, & keep people happy. If it does neither, it's not a rule.

Shrug. These are just (some of) my rules. Not trying to say they're right or best for anyone but me. <grin> But, yeah. Even simplifying like a mofo... May as well be carved in stone and written over in blood. I don't know if all sufferers go to such rule-extremes. But I know I did, and do.

 

[still_i_rise]

The purpose of a rule is to keep people safe, & keep people happy. If it does neither, it's not a rule.

THAT!!! That is pure gold!!!

It's not your job to make him comfortable and happy. It's his responsibility. He needs to take back his responsibility for his own comfort and happiness. Then he can regain control over his environment. Sometimes that means putting on some earplugs or headphones. Otherwise, you're in control of his environment and that crappy for both of you. Yes, you can do what you can to not unduly add to his stress load but at the same time it sounds like you're being unduly stressed by his rules.

I like @FridayJones 'ask/tell' communication protocol. Might have to steal that :tup:

For me and my husband, there are some 'rules' that are maintained that are for both our safety. Most of those are related to not alarming him unnecessarily or surprising him because that may cause him react immediately and violently in an effort to protect himself.

 

[holdenmonty]

It's tough. I would love to have rules but have learned the hard way and through some therapy sessions that if I let the different things control what I do and don't do then it will just get worse

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just wondered if other supporters experience this.

Yes indeedy. We got a control-freak situation going on here as well.

how do you deal with it?

We're trying to find a balance here too. When it is not something significant we compromise a lot of the times.

Compromise is when both people are happy. Not 1 person happy & 1 person sacrificing.

^^ We definitely need to work on this more though, at least "not the same person sacrificing all the time." That's on me most of the time because I am a peacekeeper too (despite my b-word moments). I wonder how many supporters are the same way? If it is a personality type typical to people who can manage being in a PTSD relationship? I mean the peacekeeper part, not the b-word moments ;).

Like @still_i_rise, if it is one of his "PTSD things" I will make exceptions to normal behaviors in order not to exacerbate the situation. He has to tell me when he is not feeling well though, because I am not a mind reader. If I was, I'd be making a much better living by now. I have no way of knowing if his annoyance tolerance levels are low or not that day. A heads up that he is on edge makes a world of difference.

You know, sometimes when he is being an ass about it, I tell him he is being an ass. "I love you darling, but you're being an ass right now." Sometimes that makes him stop... other times, not so much. There are sometimes when he just needs to unclench because I'm over it.

PTSD aside, he was an officer, and he is used to telling people what to do and having them do it. Sometimes I think that control thing is just engrained in his personality and he would be a bit like this even if he didn't have PTSD.

 

[Neverthesame]

@FridayJones summed it up pretty damn well.

Ultimately it comes down to you and your guy. I hope you can find a compromise that works for you. I was wondering however, if it may be related to something else in his life? As the singing "rule" is a little much. I could see it if you finished your songs by banging on a pot with a wooden spoon behind his head.
Maybe he is having stress building up from somewhere else?

If it is his meds, he may need to get that looked at. I know that it feels like our doctors know what is best, but meds are supposed to make life easier to handle. I don't know all the specifics of course, but from the way you have described it. It does sound like his new meds are becoming more of a hindrance than a help.

I hope I am not coming off overly harsh towards your guy. It just sounds he's having a bit of a rough go with something.

 

[intothelight]

When my PTSD symptoms were at their worst, I was always looking externally for control as if it would make me feel better inside. It was only after I realized the only thing I could control was myself and I quit expending the energy on external situations and other ;people that it really did get better.

For example stress increases symptoms and I can spend time trying to control external stressors by creating rules, or I can change how I perceive and respond to certain stressors. I can normalize them, minimize them or walk away from them, but the choice is mine.

For example I can find noise especially stressful towards the end of the day. After having phones ring, out in traffic, interacting with multiple people, I can be worn down and need some quiet time to regroup and let the anxiety level subside. However, I am not the only person in this house and my husband and daughter live here. There are times they have things they do that are noisy, have other people over, or are just being themselves. If its too much, I go for a walk or put on headphones and listen to something soothing or remove myself from the activity. Again, I am not trying to exert control over others, but I am putting the control where it truly belongs.....on myself.

 

[Justmehere]

As much as you can, do not agree to or enable someones control-freak-ism over other people. I say this as a former PTSD fueled control freak. When someone is setting rules for others to follow to try and manage their own symptoms and anxiety, they will keep doing it more and more... and eventually, it will never ever be enough. There will always be something new to have a new rule about.

My only suggestion is to give him a limit on the number of rules. I set my own limit of 5 "rules" to ask others I was living with to follow. It kept me really focused on the most essential things. It also made me manage my symptoms better and massively improved my joy in life.

 

[Sighs]

Welcome to my world. I don't mind so much that he likes everything done a particular way. I'm pretty easy going and happy to adapt to his way. I object to being told that my way of doing things is weird, stupid, sloppy etc etc.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Welcome to my world. I don't mind so much that he likes everything done a particular way. I'm pretty easy going and happy to adapt to his way. I object to being told that my way of doing things is weird, stupid, sloppy etc etc.

Sometimes he tells me I am sloppy and dirty. Only sometimes.

You say that rules should only be in place if the serve the safety or the comofrt of the people involved. We both would agree but we have different opinions about what is safe.
My husband has a fear of germs and believe they live everywhere. When I clean he wants me to move the furniture to clean under the furniture and that is so much work... when he cleans he does it... but I clean far more often than him because I am a SAHM.
His fear males me a bit nervous and questioning my reasoning and thinking maybe he is right and germs are really a danger.

He might be triggered by dirt.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

He is a checklist freak and when he forgot it at home he freaked out. "Oh No! I forgot the list! I forgot the list! Oh no! What Am I going to do now?". He has a checklist of everything and while I see the value of that he *clings* to it and I don't think it is healthy.