General What Are You Getting Out Of This?

[Wastinglight]

Does anyone else ask themself this sometimes?

Its late. I'm sitting on his couch, trying to read my novel. He went to bed early, after discreetly avoiding me all evening. As he has been for at least a week now. After I came home from work and brought groceries and cooked him dinner and washed up the dishes afterwards. I'm doing my best to be helpful. That's what he asked me to do, after all. I hopped into bed a short time ago and snuggled up against him as I usually do, only to be loudly rebuffed for having cold hands and feet. So no snuggles then. I got up again.

I feel lonely. I feel neglected and spurned. I feel like he just wants me to go away. I feel upset enough to consider packing up my stuff and going home right now. But then i scold myself for being childish and petty. I know he's going through a rough patch at the moment. I know I'm being too sensitive.

I hate it so much when he isolates. It makes me wonder if he still wants to be with me. And it makes me wonder - what do I get out of this? What keeps me here when he pushes away? Sure, we love each other. We care deeply for each other. But a relationship is based on more than that alone.

My question is a rhetorical one. I know why I don't leave, even when he's cold and distant. But days like this, I can't help but ponder it anyway - why have I chosen such a rocky path for myself?

Heh. Probably shouldn't be posting on the forum when it's late and I'm tired and sad and lonely. ...

 

[illusionist]

Regarding the cold hands and feet......My partner is not a sufferer but if I go to bed with cold feet and hands..do I hear him! It's a natural reaction when you are all cosy, warm, and sleepy/ sleeping.

I know it's hard being a supporter, can be very hard. I imagine it's perfectly natural to question why you stay....you know the answer. Look after yourself.

 

[Deleted member 28812]

:hug:my sister. Mine does the same complaining about cold feet thing.

:hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks @richter scale and @Lemontree. He got up this morning without a word and I got sad all over again (normally we have a cuddle before he gets up), but then he came back into the bedroom - twice, and we had a long cuddle both times. I asked him how he was feeling, and he said he felt drained and weary and sore still. I remarked that he gets a night off tonight (my girlfriends are taking me out for an early birthday dinner tonight) and he said it doesn't make much difference whether I'm here or not, as to how he's feeling. I'm not sure how I should take that!

My birthday is in a couple of days' time. I have arranged to spend it with him, but I know he doesn't have anything planned, he's been pretty up-front about that. It would be silly of me to hope that he has a surprise planned - he's not that kind of person. I'm now wondering if I should have arranged to spend my birthday with my friends instead. Because if he spends the whole day out in the yard or office, avoiding me, I know I am going to be pretty upset. Perhaps I should discuss it with my friends tonight and come up with a 'back-up plan' if they are available to catch-up, and then have a chat with him tomorrow about it and try to gauge whether he really wants to spend my birthday with me or not.

I'm worried this is going to backfire though - he might get upset if I suggest that we spend my birthday apart. I found out only a few weeks ago that he was upset that I didn't spend Christmas with him (I went home to my parent's place and spent it with my family). This surprised me, because when I brought the issue of Christmas up last year, he told me he wasn't fussed either way, because Christmas doesn't mean much to him. Now I hear that he was hurt that he had to spend it 'alone' (although he wasn't actually alone, he spent it with his family).

I feel like I'm negotiating a minefield, but at the same time, I don't want to spend my birthday feeling lonely and upset, if he continues to be distant like this....

Oh, and on the cold feet thing - I totally get that it's not nice to be made cold after you've gotten warm and snuggly in bed. But I always have cold feet, and he doesn't usually seem to mind that I snuggle in to him. I warm up pretty quickly. But last night he seemed angry about it. It took me by surprise. He's not normally like that.

 

[Justmehere]

Happy soon-to-be Birthday!

Good questions you are asking and wrestling with. I have no advice or input - just wanted to say I hope you have a grand birthday and that my heart goes out to you. :hug:

 

[Wastinglight]

That's very kind of you, thanks @Justmehere!!!

It's tricky because I think my guy and I don't share the same view on things like birthdays. For him it's 'just another day'. Now, I don't expect the world when it's my birthday, but I DO expect people to pay attention to me! I know my friends will make a fuss of me tonight, bless 'em. But I want him to make a little bit of fuss on my birthday too - not a big fuss, just a bit of fuss. But then I feel guilty for wanting that, because I suspect he is not in the right headspace to do that right now. I am desperately trying to change my mindset on this, because I know from past experience that for me, disappointment eventually leads to resentment, and then the whole thing starts to slowly unravel. Am I being too selfish here?

 

[Larksong]

First, happy birthday @Wastinglight ! You deserve for it to be wonderful, and I hope it will be!

I don't think you're being selfish at all, I'm the same way as you are about birthdays, and my "sufferer" also couldn't care less about dates on a calendar. I'd say to just stay realistic, if he can't give you what you need that day, he just can't, as you know it says nothing about you and more about his stress levels rising. If he feels you're expecting something and he can't give it, that could make things worse for him. I would definitely ask your friends when you're out tonight if they'll help you create a backup plan for your actual birthday, maybe a simple casual thing where you can tell him they've invited you and him both to go with them, but tell him you really want to spend the evening with him and you'll go with them if he wants to come or do whatever else he suggests, whatever works for him. Maybe that would take some of the pressure off him? B-day hugs! :)

 

[Wastinglight]

If he feels you're expecting something and he can't give it, that could make things worse for him.

Sage advice, as always @Larksong. Sounds like a good plan, I will give it a go and just remember to be calm and kind, no matter what. When I read back on some of my posts here, I feel like some of the stuff I get worked up about is inconsequential. But all those little things eventually add up to one big problem if the issues underlying them are not resolved, so it's great to have a place to work this stuff out and find the most productive way to deal with it.

I am so grateful for the support of my friends - both here on the forum and IRL! I hope you are travelling well at present @Larksong, thanks again :hug:

 

[Deleted member 28812]

Happy soon to be birthday @Wastinglight .
If I were you I would spend the day with your friends. He was offended to have to spend Christmas alone because that day it was Christmas for both of you. Now it is going to be your birthday and not his. He does not have to spend his birthday alone.

I have been asking a related question: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/is-i...not-mind-question-for-vets-and-spouses.51253/

I think the answer show that many sufferers are happy if their spouse is having fun and I decided that my husband condition won't stop me from going the places I like and enjoying it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Happy early birthday @Wastinglight! :)

Maybe you can make plans for the two of you on your birthday and then offer it up as a suggestion also. Maybe something low-key but special... like a night in a nice hotel with room service. Maybe if you tell him "I would love to do "x" with you on my birthday, but if your not up to it I'll have a night out with the girls. Either way works for me." Maybe it will take some of the pressure off. Either way, you are guaranteed not to sit at home alone on your birthday.

It kind of sucks to have to plan your own birthday, but let's face it, a lot of healthy men aren't too great at planning celebrations either. :O_o:

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks everyone for your well wishes. I had a lovely birthday, my guy was sweet and attentive and wonderful and we spent today doing both our favourite activity (arranged at the very last minute but matters not!). He always steps up when it matters :joyful:. And best of all, my anxiety was pretty under control (well mostly).

 

[still_i_rise]

Glad you had a lovely birthday!!