Have to stop hating myself

[Chava]

It doesn't seem as obvious as it did years ago. I eat pretty well and do basic things to take care of myself, so probably I haven't even recognized it really. But I have no problem burning the shit out of my arm. And now that I'm recognizing it, I realize how it's making everything else toxic. I feel like I hate my life, all the external stuff (I do in many ways, even knowing I got myself to where I am). But the bigger issue is hating myself, feeling like I'm not worth anyone's time, not really having much patience or compassion for the stuff I'm going through at all...but just letting it chip away at my self-confidence and any shreds of empowered feelings.

More issues with family....far away, not much contact. The one parent who seemed to care about me is pretty mentally ill and we never talk anymore and this parent actually finds ways to tell me not to visit when I want to, even for just an hour or so once a year. (the other parent broke a door and a chair against my back, left welts from hitting, and repeatedly told me I was disgusting)

I know I shouldn't take it personally (other people's mental illness and their shit), and I don't feel like I do, but over the years it probably just keeps feeding into the shithole inside me that doesn't trust any relationship....in hindsight it might even hurt worse to be just forgotten by someone who you believed cared, than to be physically hurt by someone else. I have a hard time with any relationship, have no close friends at the moment (have had maybe two in the last couple decades), and feel like I never really feel safe with therapy either because she is obligated to care, and once payment stops, she can stop caring. I don't have context for feeling genuine care from others. If I come close, I get freaked out anyway and vanish. Anyway, I go on hating myself for all of it. I don't care if that's illogical. I haven't been able to internalize love from others and figure out how to do it for myself. I DO understand how this works. I'm not a f*cking idiot. It's just a broken mechanism within myself that I hope can be fixed. How do you generate this internally, spontaneously?

I do keep doing good self-care things for the most part, I suppose in hopes of a slow and subtle way of healing these old messes. I want to do things like loving-kindness meditation but even that hurts, like painful clashing with what feels like my reality. So I just cry and feel like a fool...almost like someone will find out and rip away my little feelings of self love too. I can't have any of it. But I have to be careful with the hatred levels because everything spirals and I don't always see what's happening.

It's hard for me to rest or even allow myself comfort. How do you get unstuck from self-hatred without your actions, self care, or affirmations feeling like f*cking jokes?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I feel like I hate my life

I can relate to that. I don't have an answer. I made the decision in the fall that enough was enough and I was going to stop the self-harm and get help. The help, helped. I have major ups and downs still, but I have several posts on my mirror, reassuring myself and reminding myself of what I want to do to be healthy. I am also trying to allow myself to be happy when I am doing something I like or see something I like. I don't allow happiness much more than I allow crying at times. I think it's a matter of re-teaching myself to feel the happiness or comfort and maybe then I'll stop hating my life so much. Little by little it's working, but it is oh, such a long road!

 

[Chava]

I don't allow happiness much more than I allow crying at times

Me neither.

Glad you got help and that it felt helpful.

Thanks @JEKBreatheandBelieve

 

[PlainJane]

@Chava I'm so sorry your going through this. I want so badly to say something that will help or comfort you. I just don't have it. I feel terrible about it. I read your post about 15 min after you posted it and it triggered an onslaught of my own self loathing and I have nothing that comforts me. I feel like you need to know i read this and wanted to lend something but I just don't have it. :( please continue to self care and again I'm sorry

 

[darrenS]

Before we can find a friend , we must be that friend to ourselves, Yes its hard but frankly what choice do you have, you are the only one you have ! I have family thousands of miles away , i have no friends here , great business relationships and what friends i do have that are close are either in California or Australia. We cant give up ...let go of expectations ...let go of the misery of "should, could or would" or why me and instead start looking at you and everytime you go to beat yourself - remind yourself of the outcome...its never positive ..right. Your alive, your obviously capable and smart , and ive no doubts there are good things - theres just that one part that wants to tread the same path hoping for a different result - it wont happen

Sometimes we just keep making things far harder to solve than they need to be - we can wallow forever and what do we get in return ? we can say we don't feel things , but it wont change if we don't , and all change comes from a simple action and not one born and raised in our head, im not trying to be nasty or blunt , i don't like seeing you suffer and do believe you have a lot more to give than you allow yourself credit for - i hope things get better for you

 

[Ronin]

I'm not sure what to say as I suppose self loathing is so highly individual n' entangled with own's experience it's hard to properly target and remove. Tho, I deal/dealt with mine by pointing out in what I did, what were other options; often it was the most gentle/humane/kind thing I could do. That it wouldn't for some reason pass my standards is only good because the uncertainty led me to progress instead of regressing and staying comfortable at it.

What others did and I didn't react to it in ways I could have / should have / wished would have? There's working on taking the lesson for the future. There's working on prevention in other ways. There's working on letting go, with or without forgiving. And all in the meantime search for compassion. Compassion in little doses is just fine aim for the day.

 

[Dana1010]

How do you get unstuck from self-hatred without your actions, self care, or affirmations feeling like f*cking jokes?

Tell me about it. Affirmations and self talk and visualizations have always felt like a joke to me. My therapist used to tell me to take all my stuff and put it in a container. What? If it were that easy, I wouldn't be sitting here. The only thing that's ever worked for me is mindfulness--not let it go (as if), but let it be. Simply notice the thoughts, don't grapple with them, and just feel the feelings without talking over them--that's the really hard part, like standing still in front of a mack truck coming towards you and simply noticing as it runs you over. Only thing that gives me any relief, though.

Same with self hatred. Telling myself--in a million ways with a million words--to stop hating myself never works. In order to stop hating myself, I have to forget myself. So I would suggest you stop trying to stop hating yourself, because it's just keeping you entangled in self obsession. Notice your thoughts and feelings and flashbacks, and you will begin to see that they are not really you, but just experiences that you are having. For example, what do you think is you, yourself? For me, it's how I think I look to other people. Observe that or whatever you think is you, yourself. You'll start to see that it's something apart from you, then separate and drift apart from it, and it won't be so important anymore whether you like it or hate it, whatever "it" is.

 

[Recovery4Me]

For me, it was a conscious choice that I still offer myself everyday for empowerment. Surrendering outmoded habits of black and white thinking during rumination was a nice place to start. I used softer words that transitioned the wide gap. I replaced 'hate' and 'self loathing' with angry at myself. In time I replaced angry with holding a grudge then dislike. I stepped it down.

It took time until my compassionate affirmations held recognizable value words/thoughts/feelings for authentic self esteem. When my inner critic tries to take over, I reframe the words and just begin again more positive. No judgement, no self-flogging just an awareness that changes the positioning of the next thought.

 

[Chava]

Thanks everyone. Sick + pain = extra meltdown (and nobody gives a shit, but I will disappoint more people by canceling more stuff because I'm sick...on antibiotics but they aren't helping very fast). I can't feel like I care much about myself, but sometimes helpful to hold the idea that I won't give up on myself.

I appreciate all of your sharing and suggestions.

 

[Go Hungry]

It's hard for me to rest or even allow myself comfort. How do you get unstuck from self-hatred without your actions, self care, or affirmations feeling like f*cking jokes?

Do them anyway. It felt utterly ridiculous to me for a long time, but they do sort of work, after a while. Like, a loooong while in my case. I think the biggest thing that helped was understanding that all those feelings of hatred and the impetus to do self-harm were actually symptoms of a disease that I happen to have. They aren't ME. They certainly feel 'real' and speak with my voice, but... they aren't the real me. There is a difference. Learning to recognize that as it's happening, (cause they certainly haven't gone away completely) has significantly de-powered them. Sometimes they are strong, sometimes weak, but always phantoms. They aren't the real me at all. Not my subconscious, not my "true self-image" not anything but the symptoms of a physical disease... So I don't disdain myself, instead I disdain my symptoms. I discount the false image of myself that they assert as true. That's not the real me at all.

And yours aren't the real you. :)

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I came to a point in my life where I was sick and tired of being sick and tiered.

I practice cutting off the negative self talk more than I ever have before.

I had help with therapy and began to practice self love, because for so many years of my life, Shame, self hatred and self loathing ruled my life.

I realized that I was just like my abusers abusing myself in their place. It had to stop and I had to work very hard.

I still have to battle negative thinking in my mind. I now practice catching myself when I begin to do this and replace it with the truth instead of believing the lies I had been brainwashed to believe.

It takes time and work and effort but it works. I do not hate myself anymore. I handed it all back to my abusers. I wish you the best in this because you are worth so much.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think we're all different. But, I think there may be common threads in how we fight self hatred.

Where do those "voices" in your head come from? WHO is it that is telling you you're worthless, no good, bad, horrible, etc? If you have self hatred, and you're an abuse survivor, I can pretty much guarantee you that this "voice" is not your own!

I am an abuse survivor. It took me awhile to figure out that all those negative things in my head were from my mother. I kicked her out of my life and things dramatically improved. So maybe your abuser is gone from your life, but the negative messages remain? I think it really is a matter of fighting back against those voices, knowing/believing that those are seeds of "hate" planted in your head by someone else, and that you never wanted those seeds to grow.

In short, put the blame on the guilty party. Throw those negative thoughts back on the party to whom they belong. For me, it was a matter of saying OK mom, I'm not good enough for YOU, but I am damn well spectacular to ME! I happen to like myself, even though I'm far from perfect. I have a lot going for me, and I'm just now starting to see that.

In my case, its taken a LOT of outside "reality checking" to be able to finally SEE that I am a great person. No, I don't have an overly inflated ego or anything like that, but I do know I have a lot going for me. And those things which aren't the best? I'll keep working on them!

It takes time and energy and it gets to be exhausting. Do I feel great all the time? No. Those voices do indeed keep on creeping back in. But, I fight them off every time.