There were 2 things that were very different though. From the first time we had sex until today we always used some form of lubrication. After reading through the forums this apparently isn't uncommon among rape victims. I googled it and it is common. About 40% of the female population uses some form of lube. The largest members of the group are post menopausal women and victims of sexual abuse. If 1 in 5 women are raped they could make up a large portion of the 40%. I never tied the possibility of needing lubrication to the rape.
Did you know that some women use lube because it just makes sex better? Not less painful - just...more stimulating.
This article has good stats:
http://www.issm.info/news/sex-health-headlines/womens-use-and-perceptions-of-lubricants
Did you know that talking about female sexual issues has improved leaps and bounds since you started dating - even so, many women can feel that using lubricant is a sign that something is 'wrong' with them.
I never tied the possibility of needing lubrication to the rape.
There's something strange about saying rape can make you "need" lubrication. Remember: there is also "want" lube.
She takes benadryl almost every night to sleep. I read somewhere that benadryl may not be helping matters as well as the fact that it can decrease libido and wrote it off to that. Now I'm thinking it could totally be a result of the rape and taking benadryl to sleep is a side effect of the rape.
It's great that after 14 years of marriage, during which you have known about her rape, you have gotten around to considering that she may take a sleep aid because of trauma. But your initial interest in the benadryl is libido?
Secondly she is not into receiving oral sex at all. My experience is limited but I have never run across that until reading a forum here today where a victim said she was not into receiving at all either.
Therefore all victims don't like oral - because you have never run across it with your other sex partners who may have been lying.
Did you know that in a recent study, fewer than 1 in 4 couples feel that they have been able to be consistently honest with their partner about their sex life together? Only 38% of individuals in those partnerships reported being satisfied with their sex lives.
http://www.ashasexualhealth.org/new-national-sexual-health-survey/
I can't help but thinking the rape has something to do with one or both of these differences. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
No. No. No. No. No.
Stop thinking.
Talk to your wife. Learn to talk to your wife as your partner in intimacy, not as a rape survivor who needs lubricant, doesn't like oral, and has a low libido.
Now, to the questions:
I have a tilted cervix. Had it before I was raped. Probably. Hadn't been to a gyno yet. But because of it, some angles of entry are barely possible for me physically, or I tear. I have nerve damage. I don't feel much. I'm allergic to most spermacides, so condoms with those on them are not for me; sex with a dry condom is tougher without lube. In condom-less sex, the longer I go, the more I'm exposed to air, the more I start to dry out. I've only really enjoyed oral sex once, because that guy was really, really good at it.
How many of those things were about my rape?
My point is: many, many women have complicated relationships to their bodies, to sex, to intimacy. Yeah, rape changes your relationship to your
self - and body is part of that. But there's so much more. I hope that you can re-direct this energy into talking to her as your partner. She's been your partner this whole time. She hasn't changed. But your perception of her has changed, for the time being. Don't let rape be the only lens you use.
