Communication Problems

[The Albatross]

On a core level though, I think it's a shift in preference? Something has changed and it is time to reassess this type of event for you, clearly.

 

[rightkindofme]

I have certainly reevaluated a lot of my bdsm activities. I no longer identify as a slave. I am not all that interested in a power imbalanced relationship. I've been around the scene long enough that I've seen that most of the "Masters" are losers.

My physical masochism changes in weird periods. I go a year without a spanking. I will glare at my husband and say, "Don't even think it. Bunny sex for you, my boy." (Bunny sex is my funny way of saying vanilla sex.)

But sometimes I still want to be beaten. The endorphins rock. There is a big difference between pain and trauma and intense sensation.

I like a lot of intense sensation still.

 

[The Albatross]

How did he see raping you as appropriate and not notice how it was really making you feel? Does he have zero sense of human emotions? Was that the Autism playing in effect? Couldn't tell when the woman he shares a life with is going through hell?!!!!!!!!???

With all due respect, we teach people how to treat us. It is a definite grey area but something for her has shifted.

 

[The Albatross]

So to me this reads like growing pains?

 

[Pencil]

growing pains

As I was reading the newer posts I kept thinking 'but this is progress!' And it does happen that one partner 'outgrows' the other, and it does happen that relationships reach their expiry date as a result of that. And yes, that would be sad if that is the case in your marriage. But I really am awe struck by your clarity and strength and a few other things ... and I don't often do mushy, but I'm doing it now. And just maybe it is time for you to move on to a higher level of relating all around, not just sexually. Perhaps you've outgrown this relationship, and it hurts like shoes that are a size too small.

 

[rightkindofme]

So... f*ck ups and all... this is someone who my therapist gushes week after week that she's never had a client with a partner who is so supportive.

I really like my husband. If there is something that needs to change he will be down. He will do whatever I want. I just have to figure out how to write the narrative. Right now the problem seems to be that my boundaries and needs are changing in ways I am not articulating.

I don't know what they are changing to and it is as frustrating to me as it is to everyone around me.

Part of the trouble with being mad at him for having such a crazy-ass-sex-drive is.... I uhm largely picked him for that. Out of all the people I slept with and was friends with, uhm, he's the only one who can keep up with me in a way that is positive to me. I've only found this high of a sex drive in really really broken people. N (my partner) is... he's broken too but it's much less global. Much less actively destructive. He's not an actual sex addict like many of my other sexually compatible partners. Sex isn't wrecking his life.

We want to grow up together. We know we will need to change things. He wooed me by telling me, "If you can't look back on yourself 18 months ago and say 'Wow... I was kinda a piece of shit' then you aren't trying hard enough."

I really believe he was asleep on Sunday. I really believe he thought he was given positive signals. He's really sad and upset. He feels like shit that I am so hurt.

I don't want to throw him away. I really don't. He listens to me. So after a huge f*ck up like this he will do hours of emotional processing for as many days, weeks, months as I need to. He will give me as much physical distance or proximity as I want.

He is trying. But he didn't ever see a good relationship growing up either. It is hard to figure out what "right" is.

He has f*cked up big in the past. When things felt like they were spiraling out of control I asked for major rule shifts and he has said yes every time.

I told him he had to stop going off and having sex with other people because that activity was causing him to treat me rudely. I said that chasing tail wasn't allowed to wreck our marriage and we need to close it for the duration of raising kids because neither of us have the bandwidth to chase sex and truly respect our family. We don't have enough support. It's not fair to either of us. And we've been monogamous for years now and really happy.

I no longer let people casually sexually degrade me, choke me (I was having pre-stroke like symptoms and friends begged me to stop), or a variety of other behaviors that were severely damaging but normal for me. He has accepted every new limitation with grace, good cheer and happiness that I want to make sure I am around to hang out with him in old age.

But I have to figure out how to say what I want.

He is one of the least mind-reading individuals I know. He doesn't naturally provide any kind of support or empathy. But if you program him like a computer, "When you see x you must y" then he will do it nearly like clockwork... forever... He likes rules. (He's a computer programmer for a living.) But if I can't say the rule he can't follow the rule.

I think I need to make up a new rule. Or a whole set of them.

So far we have just gotten as far as, "All sexual contact must be requested verbally and out loud and cannot commence until there is a verbal acceptance."

I've got control issues.

But he is shit at reading body signals. It isn't his fault. He can't do it with anyone. I knew that before I married him. You have to teach him to look at specific combinations of facial gestures plus body language plus tone of voice then he does great.

My friends who have autistic children tell me that I live my whole life acting like an ABA therapist for my whole family and it is fascinating to watch. I am told that they have never heard anyone explain so many things. I really like being a translator. I love home schooling my kids and I like helping my husband learn how to deal with me. He is the only person with the patience to sit through hundreds of hours of processing with me.

The talking with this man experience is worth a lot of mistakes. He is my favorite person to talk to in the whole wide world. He is the only person who makes me feel like it is really and truly ok that I am alive.

He's aware that if I keep feeling raped... I'm not going to be able to last forever. And he really wants to keep me. That is clear and obvious and demonstrable.

We will figure out how to change.

But growth hurts. As @The Albatross so gracefully suggests.

 

[The Albatross]

He is trying. But he didn't ever see a good relationship growing up either. It is hard to figure out what "right" is.

Good job because in the post above you got down to some real clear observations about why you partnered with him, acknowledge that he's good/willed or well intentioned, made a decision about the circumstances of the event with your mind rather than reactive/initial feelings... and you say the above (which we here can certainly relate to in our household) - It is hard for you both to figure out because good relationships to model after were not there for you both.

It initially looks like a detriment... and it can lead to some uncomfortable moments between my mister and I... particularly when things change for one or the other of us. Neither of us is strong in relational communication or being able to express our needs or that we need something to be different. All those that were expressed in his neglectful household and my abusive households led to more of the same and we both shut down. It can however, be a strong bonding... my mister and I liken it to being back to back with each other and taking on the slings and arrows of the world... I watch his back, he's got mine. It is a strong pair bond, and mutual love based on the fact that we are better together than alone and that we are dealing with our issues together better than any of our surviving family members.

Sometimes I fall back to the standpoint that... flaws, foibles, failings and all... he is my friend, my partner, my spouse and I in my heart can and do give him the benefit of a doubt and even when my needs and circumstances change... it takes a while to change the status quo and some uncomfortableness to have the communication and dialogue to get my partner out of his former role and onto the same page... endeavor to change together. Tough nut, but so far... it happens.

Good work on your thoughts and expressing them here gal.

 

[rightkindofme]

I took time off this weekend. My husband and I have been talking a lot for the whole last week.

He is rolling with the new restrictions. He's being supportive and sweet. He is very ok with the shift to sex being specifically verbally negotiated each time. He's ok with the idea that we don't do penetrative sex for a while unless he gets me off first because our sex life has become very one-sided and unfair and I'm not dealing with it well. I'm building up resentments and that is really toxic to everything about our relationship.

He quite fairly said that if I am going to severely limit how much sex I am having with him... I am going to have to work on my tone of voice. I often sound pretty nasty. He says it is easy for him to brush off when he is getting lots of sex and very upsetting when he isn't getting much. That is fair. We both get to have boundaries.

I feel good about the responses of our support network as well. I haven't broadcast it to everyone we know, but I have talked with a few friends who know both of us well. Folks have helped me calm down and see that the problem largely erupted from me having shifting boundaries I don't communicate well combined with him being very inconsiderate. I really appreciate that our friends are good at telling us, "Ok Krissy you need to work on _____ and N you need to work on _____. Nobody is perfect."

I really like my husband. Even though he messes up in big ways. I enjoy his company, his stupid jokes, his cooking, his encyclopedic knowledge of wacky subjects, his affection, his soft-gooey-center he tries very hard to hide from everyone but me and our daughters.

He can be pretty aggressive. But I picked him for that. Learning how to filter aggression is complicated and full of mis-steps. I don't want him to stop being aggressive. I really don't.

Crap. I don't want to have to get better at communicating. No fair! No fair! :P