If It's Not One Thing, It's A Mother

[Moonshadow]

My mother was very neglectful.
She was never there when I needed her.

She invited dangerous and harmful people into my life, then would either blame me or not believe me, when I would tell her of the bad things those people did to me.

She did nothing to protect me from the constant mental abuse I received from my drunken bastard stepfather.

She often reminded me that I was inept and incapable.

When I got the hell out of there (at the age of 16), and got a job at the stock exchange, she would boast of how proud she was, that she raised such an independent and successful daughter.

I haven't spoken to my mother in 17 years. I consider that to be a triumph.

I have heard many people tell me that I won't truly heal, until I forgive her. Again, it's all about her. What the frak about me?

Why shouldn't I hold her answerable for her intolerable behavior?

I have nothing to say to the woman, that she wouldn't blame and rationalize away.
Therefore, I have nothing to say to the woman.

 

[Marlene]

I have heard many people tell me that I won't truly heal, until I forgive her.

I've heard many people tell me the same codswallop about forgiving the man who sexually assaulted me. I'm healing and I haven't forgiven him one bit for what he did to me and caused to happen in my life for the past 30 years.

I've never understood why people want to make it a requirement that we forgive those that hurt us the most.

Lisa

 

[hodge]

This really speaks to my situation, Moonshadow. My mother was different in some ways from yours and abusive in some other ways. I don't know what to say about the forgiveness issue. I do know that I am increasingly finding it necessary to my own sanity and recovery to hold her accountable for her behavior and words with me and am having trouble with any kind of acceptance of her outrageous behavior. I don't think that is necessarily incompatible with forgiveness, but I really can't address that, since I'm currently dealing with a whole new round of anger toward her. In general, I try to hate the sin, not the sinner. Still, I have not been able to speak to her for several months and find answering an email from her to be a very difficult ordeal.

Have to say, though, your last bit is my mother exactly - she blames me and others and rationalizes anything she doesn't like to hear. Oh, that, and the bragging-to-others-about-how-successful-and-independent-her-daughter-was part. In the privacy of home, though, she'd accuse me of thinking I was too good for my family, berating me for "being different."

In a nutshell, my mother has a way of putting the people closest to her into utter and complete no-win situations.

 

[Deleted member 541]

My mother too was abusive, and is part of the reason for my PTSD. There came a time that I knew I had to forgive her. Sadly she refused (even on her death bed) to accept, acknowledge, or discuss the issues with me. I forgave her, and left.

Looking back on her life and what I knew about her, I believe that she did the best that she could. I forgave her, but I have never condone her actions.

I wonder if all of you could forgive if your abusers had taken responsibility for their actions, and shown remorse????

 

[hodge]

I wonder if all of you could forgive if your abusers had taken responsibility for their actions, and shown remorse????

I thought I had forgiven her, even though she's never shown remorse or taken responsibility for her actions. The forgiving was more for my sake than hers, though. It helped me let go of some bad stuff inside me. Now I'm uncovering more bad stuff inside me because of her, so I have no idea at this point about future forgiveness. I'm not sure this last bit even makes sense. I'm rather discombobulated on the whole subject at the moment. Sigh.

 

[judyandsus]

Moonshadow I understand exactley what you are saying. In my case though it was my father not my mother. I could never forgive him for for all the scars not just on the body that he put on the whole family. No one can tell you what you "need" to do to heal. I believe you know deep down in your own heart if it would do any good. Someone else's story is not yours. I wish you nothing but peace and wellness in your life!
Judy

 

[Vapor]

here are the defenitions of forgiveness i found...

• compassionate feelings that support a willingness to forgive
• the act of excusing a mistake or offense
  I dont know which psychobabble crazy idiot came up with the idea to heal you have to forgive ... which has seemed to get so popular..but I dont believe it .. Id like to see hard evidence of this being true.
  
  So, Im not willing to feel compassionate towards my offenders, and Im not going to excuse what they did.. so i guess that means.. i wont forgive.
  
  However I WILL overcome and I will heal.

 

[2quilt]

My mother was the same, and I will not listen to people who tell me to forgive her. What she did is not forgivable in my eyes. A parent's responsibility is to protect their children from predators, not give them access to the vulnerable children, then tell the child that it never happened or that the child let it happen, wanted it to happen or deserved it.
My mother denied that she abused me. I will not forgive someone who refuses to take responsibility for her actions! It is not okay!
I will heal in spite of her!

 

[linasmom]

My mother was my abuser and I will not forgive her.

She has never and will never admit, let alone take responsibility for what she did to me for years upon years.

I do not believe that I have to "forgive" in order to heal. If there's a Hell, I hope my mother rots in it.

I don't sound angry do I?

 

[Nicolette]

Forgiveness Is For Your Own Healing

With all the discussions here forgiveness seems to be a strong topic. Here is something to think about..............


Nine Steps to Forgiveness

Frederic Luskin, Ph.D.

forgiveness
confidence
health
peace

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes - or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.


The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love.

 

[FightingLily]

My mother was and continues to be emotionally absent, chronically selfish, and neglectful.

During my teen years, she was never there for me, publicly announced any wrong doing, and accused me of sleeping with my stepfather (which did not happen). It seemed she put me down every chance she got, and she thought I was a slut, and an obvious threat to her relationship.

In an effort to have some normalcy and to escape her madness, I hastily married a man who would eventually abuse me for 4 years and nearly kill me. She knew he was abusing me, and whenever I tried to leave him, she offered no support. It wasn't until AFTER he tried to kill me that she allowed me and my children to move in with her... but even that was short lived. I ended up moving to another state with my sister. When I failed to comply with a "request" she threatened to disclose my location to my ex..... can you imagine what that did to my mental state? She would betray me and allow a dangerous man to potentially end my life because I wouldn't comply???

Currently, I have worked on forgiving her but I just can't.... I fake the pleasantries during the holidays but that is about it. I've accepted the fact that she won't change, as she is still belligerent, hostile, and too chaotic for me. My invited visits feel like a silent and cold war, one I always retreat from within an hour for the sake of my sanity. It takes me weeks to recover as she always finds a way to insult me by bring up my trauma in front of other people in an open discussion. It is my business to tell, I went through it, not her...yet she feels the need to make me as uncomfortable as possible...
so I've made a decision to not allow her toxicity into my life, which means no contact. I don't even visit for holidays now and I am better for it.

 

[catjudo]

About 10 years ago I completely cut off all contact with my mother and father. They didn't know how to get in touch with me. (Well, they could have sent a message through another family member but we didn't do things that way). It lasted for about 2 years until somehow my mom was able to track me down and gradually wear down the defenses I had built up until I welcomed her and my dad back into my life. There have been times over the past eight years when I have thought that was the biggest mistake I've ever made. There are other times when I am glad that they are a part of my life. (twisted, I know) I grew up in a rather large family that isn't so large anymore and it makes me incredibly sad to think about all of the loved ones that I've lost. Sometimes I think I'm settling because some family (my mom & dad) seems like a better option to me than no family.

I do have boundaries with my parents but lately I've been thinking that they're not enough and that I need to redraw my boundaries either eliminating contact with them again or significantly reducing (holidays only or something equally infrequent). I just don't know how to go about it. How do I explain it or justify it (should I even have to)? It's not like they've done anything new in particular that is upsetting to me, I just can't get past knowing what things they've done to me and my sisters; the kind of people they are; that they don't think they've done anything wrong; and I'm letting my daughter grow up knowing them. At the same time, my daughter adores them so it's hard to imagine not letting her see them anymore.

I'm so conflicted by it all. I think the key is perhaps finding some new boundaries somewhere between what we have and cutting them off completely. I just don't know where to draw that line and how to go about implementing it without starting WWIII and creating a whole new set of difficulties for myself.