So Much Pain

[shimmerz]

I don't know what is worse. Feeling this all the time or being dropped in without any notice. Fully invested into something....I have an idea what but no idea what the cause. There is so much pain. I just keep crying, silent tears as always. I realized very young that I wasn't to make noise when I cried.

I know I need a therapist for this. I don't have that option right now. It started with talking about a suitcase. That is all. So.much.pain. I want to crawl out of my skin. Literally. I used to want to die. It is no wonder. I can't describe how this feels. It is like a cancer. I can't get this out of me. And the slightest of cues cranks me up so badly it is like night and day. CLICK. Switch. Self confidence to BAM - whatever this is. So much pain.

I get it. It has anything to do with moving. Even a subtle nuance. Figuring out where I will 'stay'. Just a slight indecision throws me close to psychotic. I can't express it. Is that what psychotic is? I need out of my skin. I literally need to crawl out of my skin. I have no idea what to do about this. This goes so deep.

 

[Mars]

are you posting this on behalf of yourself shimmerz? or is it from some other source? I am sorry I am about to leave and thinking for 5 minutes really doesn't ring anything. wish you get well soon. remember, each person is special.

 

[shimmerz]

are you posting this on behalf of yourself shimmerz?

Yes. This is about me. Thank you Mars for asking.

 

[Bookoffee]

I am sorry you are going through this. I don't have any answers except that I completely understand what you are going through. Sometimes when I feel like this I would read the DBT cards t I made and write more about the sentence I read that actually touched on how I was feeling and going through. That is if you like to write.

Here are some of the coping DBT cards I use:

• 
  
  This feeling isn’t comfortable or pleasant, but I can accept it
  
• I can be anxious and still deal with this situation
  
  
• I can handle these symptoms or sensations
  
  
• This isn’t an emergency. It is ok to think slowly about what I need to do
  
  
• This isn’t the worst thing that could happen
  
  
• I’m going to go with this and wait for my anxiety to decrease
  
  
• This is an opportunity for me to learn to cope with my fears
  
  
• I’ll just let my body do its thing. This will pass
  
  
• I’ll ride through this – I don’t need to let this get to me
  
  
• I deserve to feel ok right now
  
  
• I can take all the time I need in order to let go and relax
  • 
    
    There’s no need to push myself, I can take as small a step forward
    
  • I’ve survived this before and I’ll survive this time, too
    
    
  • I can do my coping strategies and allow this to pass
    
    
  • This anxiety won’t hurt me - even if it doesn’t feel good
    
    
  • This is just anxiety – I’m not going to let it get to me
    
    
  • Nothing serious is going to happen to me
    
    
  • Fighting and resisting this isn’t going to help – so I’ll just let it pass
    
    
  • These are just thoughts – not reality
    
    
  • I don’t need these thoughts – I can choose to think differently
    
  This isn’t dangerous

This is from three of my cards. I hope at least one will help you feel better.

• 
  
  I am now creating safe ways to express my anger
  
• If we don’t change our direction we are likely to end up where we are heading
  
  
• I love myself completely as I am and I’m getting better all the time
  
  
• I have no idea what the universe has in store for me, but it’s better than anything I could ever imagine
  
  
• Giving and receiving are the same thing
  
  
• I am choosing to direct myself to experience peace regardless of the events in my life
  
  
• Forgiveness is the way to true health and happiness
  
  
• I can let go of my past and my future. Now is the only time there is
  
  
• I have a wise and loving friend within me
  

 

[shimmerz]

I can let go of my past and my future. Now is the only time there is

Tough one, but I think this is the key. Thank you Bookoffee. I know you know about this and I am so sorry about that.

 

[jaccat]

http://www.pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

Reading this helps me when I'm overwhelmed. Hope it helps.

Take care of yourself.

 

[Go Hungry]

So you said it involves the idea of moving, even just the slightest implications of it. Were there bad moves in your past? Or are you more concerned with stability (even if you think you have none) and the fear that you might end up moving to a place where things are worse?

 

[shimmerz]

even just the slightest implications of it.

Yes. Tiniest of implications. It triggers something in me. This seems to be the last piece of reactivity in me and it is huge. Because I don't dissociate out of it anymore, the pain is unbearable. I feel like I am going mad with it. I have 2 ativans and a clonazepam in me right now. I am finally able to think. I don't want this to be my go to solution though.

Were there bad moves in your past?

Yes, 20 before the age of two. Terrible, immediate, violent moves. I don't think it is about where I end up. I think it is more about the 'feeling' of going somewhere different. The thing is, it can be as simple as going to a motel (as I did with a girlfriend when we went camping last week). I literally have someone make decisions for me, I get this horrendous feelings inside of me, like I am literally a 1 year old.

It is definitely back to my trauma roots during foster care. I don't know how to stop it or release it or do anything with it. It terrifies me. I was fine this morning. Then the issue of the suitcase came up. It has taken me at least 4 hours to get myself out of it. And I would be sinking deeper and deeper without the Ativan. They are becoming more and more frequent these days.

 

[Sandstone]

You came here and asked for help. You are capable of wise, adult decisions now. You aren't facing this alone.

 

[Ronin]

You talk about wanting to get out of your skin - my first thoughts were, do you have a form of claustrophobia and/or body dysphoria / feeling trapped in your own body? If so, can you find some safety in some mental / spiritual / emotional state that isn't fully connected with the body, yet not really going far off to the dissociation land? Sort of like an observer from a safe distance while still maintaining a connection, but distancing both from the pain and from the pressure of the reactions themselves.

 

[Intrepid]

I hate having to leave. It's so triggering that I have stayed in jobs, houses, and relationships way past when I should have left. I moved upstate a few weeks ago. I spent 3 months researching my options, and that really helped. Very time consuming, like an obsession, but when I moved I was okay. I also remembered that I was getting distance from the person who set my PTSD in motion. That helped too.

I still don't know what exactly gets triggered by leaving.

It is definitely back to my trauma roots during foster care.

I wouldn't be surprised. For me it's about a mother who lost her commitment to her family, and an absentee father, among other things. At least I still had my brothers.

One more thing. This stuff really messes with my concentration too. I don't take Ativan any more, but it sure helped when I did.

 

[Valentino]

This seems to be the last piece of reactivity in me and it is huge. Because I don't dissociate out of it anymore, the pain is unbearable.

This can be seen as amazing progress, the evidence that you're not dissociating can mean that your bigger Self feels that you are now strong enough to start facing past emotional wounds. Unfortunately the process of catharsis for revisiting and reliving past unresolved pain, can be incredibly intense in order to both recognize & honor the repressed pain & past stories, so as to process, integrate, renew, restore, and heal.

I'm reminded of Tara Brach's fairy story that came from one of her past clients:

She nodded: “She’s telling her she can do something to help. She can do something that will let her forget for a while about the horrible things going on, so she can grow up and handle it when she’s stronger.

I paused for a bit and then speaking softly asked how the fairy was going to do that. Rosalie’s tone was calm and deliberate: “She says she is going to touch different parts of her body with her magic wand and they will change and be able to hold all the terrible feelings for her.” She paused, listening inwardly, and then continued, “The good fairy is saying that even though it’s hard to be so bound up, it will be her way to survive, to be quiet and control what’s happening inside her.”

After a long silence, I asked Rosalie what had happened. “Well, the fairy put the little girl’s rage and fear into her belly, and then she bound it up so it could stay there. And then she put a magic lock on her pelvis and vagina so her sexual feelings couldn’t get her in any more trouble.” Rosalie took a few shaky breaths, and I gently asked, “What else?”

Tears began rolling down her cheeks as she said, “She told her she’d have to let her rib cage tighten so she wouldn’t feel the pain of her heart breaking.” Rosalie was quiet and then she went on, her voice a little stronger. “She said her neck would be a fortress with very thick round walls so that she wouldn’t cry out for help or scream out in anger.” Rosalie fell quiet and I just sat with her in silence.

“You’re doing beautifully,” I told her, and then added gently, “Is there anything else the fairy wants you to know?” Rosalie nodded. “She says some day the little girl will no longer be able to hold all this in, and her body will start unwinding its secrets. She will let go of everything she has been holding for so long…and she will do this because most deeply, she wants to be whole and real.” Rosalie was softly weeping, her shoulders shaking. “She just told the little girl not to worry. She would find people who cared and would hold her as she finds herself again.”

Rosalie sank back in her chair, and I asked what was happening now. “The good fairy is putting her arms around the little girl and taking her to bed.” After a few moments she continued, whispering, “She’s telling her that when she wakes up, she will forget what happened, but she will remember when she’s ready.” Rosalie was quiet and when she continued her voice was tender: “The good fairy just told her, ‘Until then, and for always, I love you.’”
---- Tara Brach describing a client's inner journey, full blog post link: http://www.tarabrach.com/articles/trauma.html

another excerpt from the same article:

Dissociation, while protective, creates suffering. When we leave our bodies, we leave home. By rejecting pain and pulling away from the ground of our being, we experience the dis-ease of separation—loneliness, anxiety and shame. Author and psychotherapist Alice Miller lets us know that there is no way to avoid what’s in the body. We either pay attention to it, or we suffer the consequences:

The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body, and although we can repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated, and conceptions confused, and our body tricked with medication. But someday our body will present its bill, for it is as incorruptible as a child, who, still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses, and it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth.

or Adyashanti (spiritual teacher) puts it another way:

Even though our stories about what happened may seem very justified, the important thing to remember is that they actually cause us to go unconscious and lock suffering into our bodies. Instead, what we need to do is to find the capacity to feel what we feel without creating more thoughts about it. When you start to experience a difficult feeling, you see that it's often associated with a memory. As you replay that memory in your mind, if you allow it to be there without a story or conclusion, you start to feel the emotion releasing itself from your system. It may not do this immediately; in fact for a time the experience of suffering may even intensify. But this is only because you're now experiencing it in a conscious way, not a numbed or a disassociated way. You are becoming very intimate with the moment-to-moment experience of your suffering.

--- excerpts from "Falling into Grace Insights on the End of Suffering" - by Adyashanti