So Much Pain

[joeylittle]

To me disastrous emotions and cognition do not combine in any way. By default cognition shuts down, when you are in trauma mode, so I really don't get it.

@Bookoffee spoke to this already, I just wanted to chime in - it's what DBT teaches you how to do. I would be dead, I'm pretty sure, without having learned some of these distress tolerance skills. It doesn't make everything all better, but it really can bridge you through the seriously chaotic, dangerous moments. The point of putting them on cards, or on lists around your house, or whatever (mine are post-it notes all over the walls) is so you really don't have to think - you just follow your instructions to yourself. Sometimes those instructions are to repeat a statement. Sometimes they are to do a task.

It's not for everyone, but I really always wish everyone would periodically give it a try.

@shimmerz - you said that therapy isn't an option right now - what about some form of online therapy? Or, I guess I just want to ask, have you thought through all your options? You're doing some very challenging processing all on your own right now, and doing it very well, but maybe there are external ways you can avail yourself of some help? (Or not - I'm not challenging, just asking)

 

[Chava]

I have 2 ativans and a clonazepam in me right now. I am finally able to think. I don't want this to be my go to solution though.

Good to be aware but try not to worry about the meds majorly. It does get really rough and scary sometimes when we start to feel stuff or our dissociation stops working the same. I was so afraid I was going to end up a painkiller or sedative addict during a tricky patch. I've been able to cut back though. But probably that fear pushed me to find coping skills I did not have and that's effing hard. Sorry you feel trapped with this energy.

Does it help to somewhat locate where you are in time or age? I know that sometimes helps me respond. Like <1 is NOT a flight energy release thing. A walk with my dog (if I can get up) reminds me that I am located in the present but it doesn't release that particular stuck stuff. But sometimes in the frozen places I have to be still but hold my knife or access sound somehow (which I've talked about and don't think sound is a thing for you)...but basically accessing any shred of regulation potential at the level I'm at...not at an adult level really...not normal "coping" skills. Can you tell if you need a feeling of protection, containment? Does wrapping parts of your body up help or hiding? What if you hold your bare feet to the earth?

I get it. It has anything to do with moving. Even a subtle nuance. Figuring out where I will 'stay'. Just a slight indecision throws me close to psychotic. I can't express it.

You are trying and I think that's really good. In tiny bits, that is helping release a little bit of the charge I hope. Putting images or words to the early stuff is really hard and before that, when it's just a dark and very gnarly abyss, I know it's scary.

Hugs @shimmerz , keep trying to express if that helps. Or whatever distraction. Or meds for now and call your prescribing doctor if you are worried about what you can handle with this.

 

[Bookoffee]

Does it help to somewhat locate where you are in time or age? I know that sometimes helps me respond. Like <1 is NOT a flight energy release thing. A walk with my dog (if I can get up) reminds me that I am located in the present but it doesn't release that particular stuck stuff. But sometimes in the frozen places I have to be still but hold my knife or access sound somehow (which I've talked about and don't think sound is a thing for you)...but basically accessing any shred of regulation potential at the level I'm at...not at an adult level really...not normal "coping" skills. Can you tell if you need a feeling of protection, containment? Does wrapping parts of your body up help or hiding? What if you hold your bare feet to the death?@shimmerz , keep trying to express if that helps. Or whatever distraction. Or meds for now and call your prescribing doctor if you are worried about what you can handle with this.

Warning: learning how to use a tablet for the first time. Weird--

@Chava i saw a therapist for 8 years and she never talked about coping skills with me. She saw me as her equal and was very flurtious. Anyone I dated while I was seeing her felt threaten. When my wife went to one of my appointments with me, she couldn't give my wife any helpful coping skills to help assists me through my moments. The only thing she said to her was to love me. Then she stopped talking. I didn't go back to her after that.

When I learned DBT I thought the answer to every thing.

I finally found a therapist that is showing the way through a better recovery. This is part of what he is showing me. I am actually starting to see it as empowering.

 

[Chava]

That's great @Bookoffee I'm not sure how it relates to the quote/post....unless it was my use of "coping skills". Those are important but the regular ones don't work when stuck right in the middle of trauma stuff, which is all I meant....frees me when really stuck to listen to my body and not do what I think I should do when stressed (holding a knife is not a good coping skill, but it grounds me). But it's probably just a matter of interpretation or language...I'm probably thinking more of grounding and organizing or re-orienting...getting safely through the new parts of memory or surviving the floods.

 

[Bookoffee]

That's great @Bookoffee I'm not sure how it relates to the quote/post....unless it was my use of "coping skills".

Forget the above. I can't figure out this tablet. I don't know how to quote and I put in the wrong quote.

I was relating to finally having a therapist that is showing that there is a deeper part of me. Some of the suggestions you gave are new to me. I am finding them refreshing.

I hope you understand.

 

[shimmerz]

Never actually felt anything like this before. It looks like pain (physical) is coming on line. A cruel joke after the fireworks event last night. Talk about taking me from high to low in an instant. It started with talk about my luggage in CA. I lost it. Then the pain. I can't take details in these posts in but can through enough that they are encouraging me. I am frightened. Very frightened. Panting. I feel like 1 year old or less. Inside of me I need 'out' and not sure how to do so. I guess that is because the dissociation used to let me out. I am trying to let the pain through me but I think it is triggering me back to days of being 4 days old to 2 months old. I can't describe this. No words. Thank you all for your help. Truly.

 

[Bookoffee]

@shimmerz can you look around you and describe what you see, can you touch it, smell it?

 

[Chava]

OH. I thought you mean psych pain alone (not that this is NOT that) because I knew you didn't feel physical pain. Can be horrid to have new sensations come online. If it helps, keep gently mobilized because that might help not get swallowed by it right now (the physical pain and everything with it). Music, whatever attaches to movement of present moment. ??? Call your doctor? Hugs.

 

[shimmerz]

can you touch it, smell it?

Senses seem to be offline. All consuming - it has taken over. I keep trying to focus on something else. Body keeps shuddering. I keep panting. I feel like a trapped animal. Trying to move. Sometimes successful.

Psychological pain first. The ativan helped with that but then this physical pain started. I think it is triggering me back to the operation. No idea what this has to do with a freaking suitcase.

Holiday here today. No doctor around.

 

[Bookoffee]

There are times I don't understand ,y triggers.

Maybe there is a connection to the lost of your personal belongings and not having control over having it with you is making you feel like you do now.

I wish there was something helpful I could suggest to get you back to the grown up you and make the child you feel safe.

 

[shimmerz]

You guys all are. Bit by bit. I thank you so much. One of the people here did me a massive good deed having to do with said luggage. I want to recognize her for that. I don't know if she has any idea what a gift she has given to me. Truly, you all are some of the nicest (no - not some of but THE nicest) people that I have ever had to privilege to hang with. I will attempt to overlay all of this kak with the feeling of her good deed. Then I will read these posts when I can actually think. So much love to you all. Thank you....

 

[Bookoffee]

Rest well