Relationship Is It Unreasonable Of Me To Expect To Know What's Going On In Our Relationship?

[Kefira]

I am starting to suspect that whether he is comfortable discussing this stuff or not has everything to do with how he's travelling at that point in time, and not much at all to do with me.

For what it's worth, since you mentioned it's hard to know what's going on with him: I know it's really hard for ME to know where I'm at, let along a partner to parse that. I'll forget all the little things that added up to me being upset by evening and then get stuck in a cycle of invalidation and self hatred. Or I'll be in a really good mood despite all indicators pointing to the fact that I should be completely stressed out, because I stumbled upon something I'd lost or a friend texted me to say hi. It's not your fault if you can't read how to approach him all the time.

it seems to me that, a lot of the time he is so tied up in his own stuff that he isn't really thinking about our relationship at all. But, he told me recently that he wouldn't be in this relationship if he felt that it was detrimental to his recovery

This resonated with me. I'm reasonably affectionate most of the time, but verbal validation is something I have to actively remember to provide for my partners. It's not that I'm not THINKING how great/wonderful/amazing they are, or that I'm not really thankful that they're around. I'll remember for the big things (taking care of me when I'm sick, being really attentive when I'm having a bad day) but day to day I just sort of figure my continued presence is more indication than anything else I can give them that I'm committed to and thankful for the relationship. I had to learn that other people didn't necessarily translate it that way. Not sure if that's helpful and he could be processing completely differently, but I thought I'd share.

 

[Sighs]

Can't remember where this quote came from but:

If your veteran is there with you and trying to make your relationship work, he loves you more than words will ever be able to express. Let that action speak when your hero cannot.

 

[Wastinglight]

I just sort of figure my continued presence is more indication than anything else I can give them that I'm committed to and thankful for the relationship. I had to learn that other people didn't necessarily translate it that way. Not sure if that's helpful and he could be processing completely differently, but I thought I'd share.

Thanks so much for this - I think he totally does this. For instance, I make dinner most nights, and he always thanks me, but sometimes it's quite belated. We'll eat and chat then we'll go off and do other stuff. And then he'll suddenly go "Oh! Thanks for dinner sweetie!" Hehe. I often get the impression that he simply forgets the little niceties and acknowledgements, but he knows that I appreciate them so I can see he tries to make an effort.... when he remembers!

 

[Wastinglight]

If your veteran is there with you and trying to make your relationship work, he loves you more than words will ever be able to express. Let that action speak when your hero cannot.

Thank you. That really helps.

I now remember that I caught myself the other day having a big internal grumble about him not having done something-or-other, and I was feeling a bit upset about it. I reminded myself that, just because he doesn't do all the nice things that I would like him to, that doesn't mean he isn't trying and he isn't showing his love and appreciation in other ways. This is where the 5 love languages thing comes in I guess. He is very much an Acts of Service kind of guy. When I was still on crutches, he didn't really say much sympathetic stuff to me, but he came out and walked down the (quite long) driveway and opened the gates for me every morning when I went to work, and every night when I came home, to save me the bother and discomfort of having to get out and open it myself, even when it was cold and raining.